“I would find you sitting on the bottom steps of the basement and I had to physically carry you back to bed. I would find you crying in the bathroom, and I had to coax you back to bed. I would find you all over the house crying, and I would have to kiss you until you stopped sobbing. You even once told me my kisses were magic for you, which under the insane circumstances I suddenly found us in almost overnight, was such an innocent, sweet thing to say to me, it made me keep fighting for you to get well. Those simple words made me try to love you more so you would get better again.”
Looking at Alex crying in front of me, I'm heartbroken. I hate him feeling sad, and I hate him crying.
“Your kisses have always been magic to me...” I whisper against his mouth, as he leans his forehead against mine.
Breathing in Alex's scent I'm reminded of all our years together. Not even a decade together that feels like 2 lifetimes. He has been so good to me over and over again. He has been such strength for me for years, I'm sure I never would have survived my life without him.
“You're so strong all the time, Alex. Don't you ever get tired?”
“All the time. But I don't think I'm as strong as you think. I think sometimes it's almost a weakness that keeps me with you...” He admits sadly.
And he's probably right. What kind of person stays with someone like me for years? What kind of man waits on such a weak woman for years? Why would he wait around when I have given him so little in return?
“Sadie, I need you to think hard about what happened. I need you to try to remember. Do you remember the septic tank? Do you remember the smell in the basement?”
“What did you do?”
“A week after we decided to sell, Chris had left our house after helping with the roof, but I was still in the basement looking for a dead rat, or something else to explain the smell. But that’s when I found Him in the tank,” Alex says as he gags. Pulling away from me, he sits back on his heels and looks like he's fighting either crying or gagging again, or maybe both. “I found Him and I ran upstairs but you were sleeping on the couch with Jamie, so I ran to our room and found your journal under your sweaters in our closet. I tried to find out if you wrote about it, and that's when I found the 2 pages at the back of the book which really didn't tell me much. So I panicked,” Alex says painfully.
Staring at me, he seems to be waiting for me to say something, or remember something, or do something. He's waiting for me but I'm clueless.
“What did you do?” I ask gently, as he shakes his head again.
When the house phone suddenly rings, we both seem to jump together. Standing quickly, Alex orders 'stay here' and I do. Then again, lighting another smoke seems to be about the full extent of my physical capabilities right now.
Waiting seems to be the theme of my life.
When Alex returns, he looks exhausted. He looks like shit, and though he doesn't say anything, I know the smoky garage is bothering him.
“Are you ready to go inside now?” He asks gently as I shake my head no again.
“Who was it? Jamie?”
“Yes, and he's fine. He had a great night at my parents' house and he doesn't want to go back to school. He says he loves you and he can't wait to see you at 3:00.”
And then I'm done. “Oh god, I miss him. He should be home with me. He should be here. What if he needs me today, or misses me, or feels abandoned or something? What if something bad happens to him and I'm not there?!” I cry.
“Sadie, please. Please baby, stay focused. Jamie is fine and it's already 8:30, so we'll pick him up in 6 1/2 hours. He's absolutely fine. And I called the office and said I wouldn’t be in today, so we have all day to figure this out, but I need you to focus.”
“I am, but I don't remember anything. I really don't. I remember the meltdown on your mother, and talking about the house, and deciding to sell, but that's it. I don't remember what happened other than that. What happened, Alexander?”
Exhaling, Alexander straightens his spine and continues. “2 weeks later, I found him and then I covered him up with concrete in the septic tank. I drove to Home Depot and picked up bags and bags of concrete mixture, and when you were sleeping, I unplugged the tank, and then I filled it in. I filled it and filled it but it took forever and it wouldn't harden or fill in completely, no matter how many bags I poured. And I felt like I was losing my mind. Then I remembered there was that weird drain thing by the side of the house, so I ran outside, and I almost cried when I saw concrete coming out of it. So I found that thick silicone spray stuff Chris used in the attic and I filled the bottom of that drain, then I had to wash away all the extra concrete mixture which was all over the place outside. But by then it was 3 something in the morning, so I had to wait until the morning and I drove back to Home Depot to buy more bags of concrete and a small plastic tarp to wrap around the drain spout and then I waited until you went to bed again and I continued filling it in. I continued the second night and finally, the septic tank started filling. I think the concrete in the pipe hardened in the day, so the concrete stayed in the tank. Maybe even the bottom of the tank hardened. I don't know. But it started filling up, and eventually, after close to thirty bags of concrete, the tank was filled with wet, dark grey concrete.”
Alex sits down on the garage floor in front of me as he exhales the stress of his story. Looking at him, I feel awful. I wish I knew what happened but I honestly don't.
“Then what happened?” I beg.
“I showered, my back and arms were killing me and I made my way to bed. But you were in the throes of another fucking nightmare and I was so tired, I felt like I wanted to just leave you. I really felt like leaving you in that moment because I didn't know why you did it, or what exactly you'd done, but there you were freaking out again, and I was just so tired, and I wanted to leave you. For the first time since we had been together, which was only like 3 years at that point, I wanted to leave you. And I would've left that night I think. But as I thought about what I would do, and if I took Jamie with me, and where I went, and who I told, you screamed for me to help you. You actually screamed out 'Alex, PLEASE!! Help me!' And once again I found myself drawn to your side.
“I actually found myself unable to move or breathe as you struggled in our bed. I watched you with a sick fascination for a minute or two, and then you begged me again to help you, and you begged me to run with Jamie. You screamed for me to save you, and you were acting like you were being raped and hurt, and that's when I snapped. I grabbed you from your sleep, waking you almost violently. I woke you aggressively, and after a few seconds of fighting me, you calmed instantly and wrapped yourself all around me and then you asked me to make Him go away. And I didn't know what I could say or do to help you, so I whispered, 'I buried Him, Sadie,' and you relaxed in my arms at once. You calmed in my arms instantly and you thanked me for taking care of you again, and then you moved out of my arms, turned to your side, and slept. And I just sat there on the bed beside you; emotionally numb, physically exhausted and so tired of all the crap that came with you, I didn't know what to do anymore. But I looked at you as you slept soundly and even though you were covered in sweat, and your hair was a tangled mess, I realized I didn't want to leave you. I didn't want to not be with you, and I didn't want to not love you. I realized that no matter how crazy your past was, and how crazy you could be, I loved you anyway, and I never wanted to leave you. And I haven't.”
“Alex, I-”
“And you were better after that. The very next night you slept like the dead, and the night after that, I finally slept like the dead. You even joked that I snored so loudly you had to sleep in Jamie's room on the floor. And you were normal again, relatively speaking,” he grins. And I can't help but laugh a little as the tension starts to drain from my body.
“I don't remember Alex, and I don't know what to say. Does anyone else know? Do we call the Police?”
“No. We do nothing. Nobody knows, and I wouldn't testify against you anyway, not that I'd have to
as your husband. And once I had convinced my brother I was just a home improvement idiot for sealing up the septic tank, he helped me build that smaller one at the back of the garage using other outflow pipes he found.”
“But what about... Him. What- did no one look for Him?” I ask totally shocked again by my reality. How are we even having this conversation? Why are we so calmly discussing a death? I just can't get my brain around anything, and maybe that's why I’m so calm. I don't know anything, but everything is so strange and so surreal in this moment with Alex.
“Sadie? Don't you remember? About 4 months later, we were questioned as were your parents. You were asked if you had seen or heard from Him in months, and you told the truth- You hadn't. And the Police didn't push because they had spoken to your parents first, and your parents had told them you hadn't seen Him since you were a child. Your dad lied, then called me without asking any questions and told me what was said. We were warned that the Police had some questions, but that we were in no trouble. And from your dad's tone of voice I think he did assume something had happened, but he seemed to be protecting you anyway. I don't know. But the Police came and asked us less than 5 questions and then they left. And that's it. I think that’s why you received all the inheritance because as far as I know He's still listed as a missing person.”
“But I should-”
“It's over Sadie. You can't remember what happened and I don't know what happened. All I have are these 2 pages that tell me nothing. And until you remember, there is nothing we can do. It's over, baby, and I need you to leave it alone.”
“But it feels wrong or something.”
“Do you know what happened?”
“No.”
“Then how do you know it was wrong? For all we know He killed himself because you pushed Him away or something. I don't know. I like to think that's what happened. I don't know though and I've spent 4 years dealing with this alone, and if Patrick hadn't sent that fucking letter, you'd still be fine, and we'd be fine, and none of this would be upsetting you. Right?”
“I guess. It's just weird to think He died in our home and we covered it up. Literally,” I say without humor.
“Sadie. Think hard. Do you remember what happened? Any of it?”
“No. I don't remember anything about that time except the freak out on your mom.”
“So please stop all this. Just stop. We're fine, and we're going to be fine. We don't know what happened and you might never remember, so I'm begging you to let this go. Please?”
And looking at the desperation on Alex's face, I want to let it go for him. For Alex's peace of mind, I want to bury all this crazy shit. I need to give him a little peace for a change.
I still have this little doubt about all this. There is this tiny nagging suspicion in the back of my brain wondering if Alexander knows more than he's telling me, but I mostly trust him. I trust him almost totally.
“Is that it, Alexander? Is there anything else you know? Is there anything else you've always known that I didn't know you knew?”
“No,” he says firmly while looking directly into my eyes.
Nodding, I try to accept his answer. And as I think about it, I wonder does it matter if he did anything, or knows more than he's saying? Does it really matter at this point? He’s gone whether by my doing totally, or with Alexander's help, and nothing really changes either way. I'm free of Him, and Alex has kept me safe. He has covered up and protected me and Jamie. So even if he does know more, or even if he does know what happened exactly, in the end it doesn't really matter. I'm safe from Him. And I'm safe from being haunted by His visits.
“Okay, I'll try to let this all go. And I'm really sorry for all this. This weekend has been brutal for me, but I'll try to get better. I'll try very hard, Alex.”
“Thank you. I need you back. You have scared me and tortured me, and put me through hell this weekend. But I need it to be over. Please?”
“Okay,” I nod.
And I will try to forget any suspicion and any doubt I may have because in the end I think I've decided it really doesn't matter anymore. All that matters to me now is Alex and Jamie, and all of our safety.
CHAPTER 37
A half an hour later, Alex and I have finished our toast with the sweet sticky syrup I love, and we're crawling into bed for a nap.
Setting the alarm for 2:00 in the afternoon feels weird, but we're both afraid of sleeping past picking up Jamie from school. We're both exhausted and we both just want a little calm between us. I need Alex's warmth, and I think he needs me needing his warmth, too.
So closing my eyes, I feel the pull to sleep immediately. I feel the need to sleep in Alex's arms. I feel the need to sleep away the horrible reality I can't remember.
And I did.
3 hours later at 2:00, Alex jumps up and offers to pick up Jamie for me after a quick shower. Alex offers, but I insist on going with him.
And sitting on our bed waiting for Alex to shower quickly I realize I'm not afraid anymore. I realized when I woke from our nap I didn't feel afraid for the first time in 16 years. For the very first time since I was sixteen I wasn't anxious about sleep. I didn't perform my cleansing ritual, and I didn't sleep with the overwhelming sense of anticipation followed by disappointment which was all I had known as a younger girl. But I also didn't sleep with fear of His return followed by relief when He hadn't come for me. I just slept. I slept in Alexander's arms in the middle of the day and I felt free.
Picking up Jamie at 3:00 is amazing for me. I feel like I've been without my baby for years. I feel like I haven't heard his sweet voice in years. I feel like I haven't hugged him in years. But everything fades inside me when I see him walk out of the school while looking right at the safe pole we always meet at. Jamie sees me and walks quickly right to our safe pole to be in my arms.
And I'm happy. I am truly happy with my life, especially in this moment. Alexander is standing beside me with his hand on my back, and Jamie is letting me smooch his whole face as I hug him. Jamie is giggling and talking a mile a minute about everything he did over the weekend even as I keep kissing him. Jamie is in my arms and I'm happy.
When I'm through attacking my son with kisses, Alex offers to take us all out for an early dinner and we agree. In the car Jamie talks the whole way to the restaurant, in the restaurant, and then in the car after the restaurant, and it's good for me. I need Jamie's sweetness and innocence to wash away all the darkness from our lives.
In the restaurant I heard noise everywhere but I didn't start shaking or let the irritation of sound distract me from my boys. I heard all the noise, and I didn't like it still, but I wasn't overwhelmed by it like I would've been even yesterday.
And after we left the restaurant, I asked Alex to stop at the coffee shop I love, and he did. Quickly hopping out before I could, Alex returned with a coffee for himself and a large cup of my absolute favorite coffee for me because he knew. He remembered what a complicated coffee I liked, and he pleased me again with such a little thoughtful gesture.
When we three return home, I see Cheryl in her driveway wave at us, and I have a moment of absolute panic until Alex takes my hand. Jamie jumps out immediately, and I collect myself enough to grab my coffee and purse as I slowly get out of the car. Waving back at Cheryl, she walks over to my side of the car as I pause half in and half out. Pausing, I’m embarrassed and scared, and...
“How are you, Sadie?”
“Good. I'm good,” I reply automatically.
“That's good. I was going to see if everything was okay with you after I settled in.”
“It is. I'm fine. I'm sorry for yesterday,” I hear myself pleading.
“No need to be sorry, and nothing happened yesterday,” she says loudly enough to convince me of her loyalty. “Just remember- punching bag. It'll do wonders for stress and pressure. Okay?” And as I nod, she leans in and smells my coffee, which shocks me a little. “And when I come over for coffee, none of this flavored crap, okay? I need good s
olid black tar, preferably Columbia, because I've been living off it for years at the hospital. Okay?” And again I nod wordlessly. Hugging me suddenly, Cheryl whispers, “Anytime you need a friend, call me or just knock on my door, Sadie. I'm either at the hospital or at home. So anytime...” she says kindly.
And that's it. Choking up, I hug her back and thank her for her kindness, as we pull apart.
“See ya kiddo. I miss my flower surprises,” she says to Jamie as she walks back to her home.
And I'm okay. I'm still a little embarrassed thinking of Cheryl seeing me physically AND emotionally naked in my garage, but she didn't seem to mind, so I'm going to try to forget it too.
After a few tense seconds Alex wraps his arm around my shoulder and whispers, “you're doing really well, Sade,” and I exhale. Finally able to move, I walk to Jamie on the porch who is patiently waiting to get into our home, while still talking endlessly about his trip.
2 hours later, Jamie is bathed and in bed. And after a quick story, he passed out immediately, even as I drag myself to my own bedroom to pass out immediately.
After a quick shower, I brush my teeth and crawl into my bed. I'm done, without even the energy to walk downstairs to say goodnight to Alex, but I should've known he would come to me as he always does.
Crawling in next to me, he picks me up and over his chest as he hugs me tightly. Bathing in his warmth, I exhale and feel myself falling.
“Are you okay?” He asks quietly, and I nod because I am okay.
And I'm free.
After years and years of anxiety, depression, insanity and fear, I am totally free. I can breathe. And I can live, finally.
I have Alexander who has proven himself a hundred times over, and I have Jamie who loves me unconditionally. I have a husband I love and a child I live for.