Yet this move was different. I had lived in my new apartment for nearly 4 months and He still hadn’t come to me. I spent every single night torn up in knots of anxiety based on the fear of His absence. I spent 4 months with the same hygiene ritual, waiting for the night He came to me. I waited each night for my stranger to come back to me.
Until finally He did come to me.
*****
My Dear Stranger VII
As always desired, my dear stranger came to me last night with opened arms and a beautiful smile. Waking from a light rest, I was delighted to find Him in my room waiting for me, as I often wait for Him.
This visit I so desperately needed, because my heart ached, and my body craved my stranger’s touch. I had felt like He hadn’t touched me in years. And though it had only been a few months since He had last came to me, I was unsure and frightened that my stranger no longer knew where I lived. Upon my quick departure from my house I was unable to tell Him of my move because of the suddenness with which I had left. However, with no reason to doubt, He had known where I now stay and He had come to me once again.
Moments were given to only gazing at each other, as our eyes filled with tears of joy. For me, my stranger is so unbelievably beautiful, I find I often have no words to describe His strength and love for me. And I have tried. I have tried to describe this great man in this book, but I have yet to find words which can describe with worthiness all that He is to me.
Jumping from my bed in a desperate attempt to feel Him, I ran into His opened arms as He held me so tightly. When our lips kissed passionately time stood still for us.
Slowly my stranger lifted my gown and stared contentedly at my naked body. Touching and caressing, His hands roamed my body as only His hands could- As only His hands I would allow.
He cupped my breasts gently as His eyes held my own. Gently, He held my back and laid me onto our bed. And in that moment I felt so anxious, my body trembled and my breath became short and hard. God I loved Him, every part of Him.
He began touching my skin slowly like a gentle interlude as to the pleasure that was to come for us. He kissed me slowly down my nape, around my breasts, teasing my erect nipples with His tongue. Moving slowly, my stranger made His way between my legs. And frightened, I held still. I trust Him completely, and I trusted Him then, but I was nervous by this intimacy. Silently, I held my breath as He opened me up with His fingers.
When I felt His warm tongue move around my body as His fingers plunged inside me I found myself moaning and crying out for His love. Never could I have imagined this feeling. Never could I have imagined this pleasure. There was something so brutal in its beauty for me. That moment between us was something I couldn't understand, but I didn't care. I didn't care because love and trust plays such a powerful role in this amazing passion we share.
After a time, with my body heightened and sensitized beyond my ability, I begged my stranger to love me. I begged Him to make love to me.
And as the intensity of that moment had nearly given me over to climax, His lips devoured my body and His tongue left only a trail of eroticism in its wake. Eventually, my heart raced and my soul screamed out for Him, as my orgasm flowed freely for Him. Hours escaped from the world and they stayed only between us.
Weakened, my heart beckoned for my dear stranger as my lips covered His entire body. I felt manic and intense as I grabbed and kissed Him everywhere, but no love making occurred.
Staring once more into my eyes, my stranger smiled as one beautiful tear fell for me. And I knew how He felt. Sometimes our love just couldn't contain itself. Often my own heart felt like it would explode, or simply stop from the intensity of our love.
Eventually I realized I had been repeating over and over, continuously in a gently whisper, 'I love you, I love you, I love you...' until He lay down beneath me, wrapping His arms so tightly around me.
Finally, after minutes of silence I heard His beautiful voice speak to me as he whispered, “I love you as well.”
His words. God, those five words echoed in my mind, creating a hallucinatory effect on me. Suddenly crying within my happiness, He held His arms tighter around me, and feeling such tranquility within His embrace, I found sleep was inevitable.
When I awoke this morning to a bright warm sun, my smile gleamed like that of a small child, but my heart ached too. I could still feel my stranger's arms holding me tight, safely protecting and loving me, even in His absence.
God, He is so beautiful to me, words could never describe, and I love Him more than my own life.
Rising from our bed, I will hold His memory close as I wait for my dear stranger's return.
January 1999
18 years old
Oh, I remember that night. I remember Him loving me like that. I remember my shock at the act and my shock at my reaction. Before that night I didn’t know what oral sex felt like and I didn’t know how amazing it could be. But I remember learning all my firsts with Him.
And it really was amazing. Even my memory is as clear as it was then and I can still feel it. I remember the desperation, and the building, and the fear, and panic, and then the insane, ultimate release. I remember screaming and crying and pulling Him to me. I remember it today as it was then.
And I know I have never had a feeling quite like that since Him. Of course I have felt, and I have experienced pleasure, but not like that. I have never had that kind of intensity with another. I don’t even know how to. I’m much too reserved in my adult life to release like that, and I’m much too adult to submit to a pleasure as carnal and physical as that release was for me.
Remembering that night I’m suddenly aware of myself and my surroundings. I’m stunned to find myself on the edge of orgasm, with my hand in my leggings and my knees wide on the arms of the lounger and I’m almost there. Thinking back, I remember the intensity of His eyes as He watched me come undone. Watching, He waited until I was barely coherent before pushing me over the edge. I remember the feeling… Oh god…
I can’t believe I’ve just orgasmed and released in my garage in a lounge chair. Laughing, I’m a little stunned at my behavior. I hope I was quiet. Oh god, if my neighbors heard me I think I’ll have to move. My husband wouldn’t even believe me if I told him what I’ve just done and why we have to move. Actually, he wouldn’t believe any of this at all. Nothing. None of this.
God, I need another smoke. A total cliché I know, but the truth nonetheless. Horribly embarrassed, I have to use the little sink in the garage to wash my hands of my release, and drying them on my huge sweater, I shake while lighting another cigarette.
Pausing, with a cigarette in hand I just can’t seem to stop myself. I need another hit of Him.
My Dear Stranger VIII
Last night my dear stranger came to visit me. It had seemed like an eternity since we last touched and I feared He had lost my love far away, but finally He had returned to me.
Quietly, He crept into our bedroom, as I awoke slowly to His gentle kisses on my thighs while His head lie nestled between my legs. Slightly startled I stared at Him as I settled. Moments faded between us until finally He looked into my eyes in return. And oh, my stranger's eyes were wide and clear and no sadness came with Him, only His love was present in His eyes.
Kissing my thighs, His mouth made its way up my body. Slowly, tenderly I shuddered with sheer excitement. How long had it been since His kisses? How long since His warm embrace held me tightly?
Moving slowly toward my lips, my stranger lifted my silken nightdress off my shoulders as our lips met. Crawling until He towered over me, He kissed my lips and eyelids, while my heart pounded under His touch.
The cool night air brushed against my skin hardening my nipples, while sending a shiver up my spine. And I watched Him smile at my anticipation.
Pulling me upward gently, straightening His legs around my waist, my stranger met my smiles with His sweet kisses. Stripping my stranger of His clothing, I touched His chest with my anxious fingers as we
stared at one another, until suddenly my dearest lit a lone candle next to us.
And though the light was dim, I felt something new. Something of panic. Something I had never felt before with my dear stranger.
Tightening my grip on His waist I lowered my head as I tried desperately to hide my breasts and stomach, and my face. I was desperate to hide all of myself.
Confused and looking a little saddened by my sudden insecurity, my stranger gently raised my chin as He stared deep into my eyes. Moving my arms to my sides, He smiled a beautiful reassuring smile, as He touched my breasts and kissed my lips once again.
Gradually looking down at my naked body, my stranger helped me feel beautiful in His eyes again.
Leaning backward, I rested my head upon my pillows as I watched my stranger touch and love my entire body.
My stranger's firm yet delicate hands held my neck still as He slowly eased downward. Across my breasts He teased my nipples. Resting His head upon my stomach He kissed my navel until His tongue eased lower and His hands roamed. Suddenly, my body thrust uncontrollably with near climax against Him as His fingers entered me quickly.
My stranger then pulled me upward, watching my face carefully until I sat in front of His sculpted body- a body which had come to please me, as no other could.
Sliding His hands under my body, He gripped me firmly, lifting me gently, while lowering me onto His body. With eased penetration, I moaned and grasped for His body as He held my gaze so intensely.
And the ecstasy I felt was amazing. Every part of my body, every sense, every muscle felt Him within me. Stretching and burning, I felt Him engulf me. I couldn't remove the smile from my lips even as we kissed.
Our eyes were wide, looking for one another's soul. Our hearts were pounding in sensual rhythm. But all I felt was His body deep inside me.
My dear stranger was gentle and loving. He touched my body softly as I rocked against Him and cried out in pleasure. Tears began trickling down my stranger's face as we grabbed and held each other so close.
Eventually, I lied backwards as He moved His strong legs back so He once again towered over me.
Bracing His arms and kissing my lips, we danced to each other’s desire with thrusts and sweet sighs.
And no pain was felt. No laughter was cruel. No insecurity resurfaced. Just beautiful love-making occurred as hours were spent together.
With His hands so gentle on my body, I screamed my climax as I kissed my stranger and groped at His flesh. Nothing could have been more perfect last night.
Sometime later, holding me tightly against His chest my stranger leaned on His side and carried a flower up the back of my thighs, across my backside, as He gently caressed my bare skin. Placing the flower against my lips, I turned and kissed Him with such passion, I felt my heart actually swell within my chest.
After long soothing kisses, I felt my body growing weak as my eyes grew heavy. And after receiving one last sweet kiss from my stranger, I fell quickly asleep in His arms.
When I awoke this morning I felt the same momentary loneliness and confusion following all His visits. As always my heart ached for His delicate touch and soft kisses. Confused, I panicked for a moment wondering if He had come to me at all, or had the memories been merely another dream of Him in the night.
However, when I picked up my folded nightdress, a sweet smelling flower fell from the silk and I knew my dear stranger had come for me, as He would again soon.
February 1999
18 years old
And those were our times together. Countless. Endless. I was only 18 years old but I made love like an adult. I never suffered the backseat shame my friends did. I never lived through the drunken debacles of my peers. I was a teenage woman who made love with her adult lover.
And no one knew. I was the pretty, popular, smart, fun girl who got drunk at college parties but kept her legs tightly closed. I was a challenge to some and a mystery to others. I was Sadie who didn’t put out, but had fun regardless.
I lived in a strange world where everyone thought I was a prude and a certified virgin for life, but I knew the truth. I was loved and adored. I was a woman who understood passion with a man, and making love with a soul mate.
And then my world ended.
CHAPTER 6
After the Attack
After the attack he walked away with a clean conscience and dirty hands,
While I crawled painfully in dirt.
I begged, he laughed.
He taunted, I screamed.
I fought, he won.
He was victorious, I died.
After the attack he was left with satisfaction and hate filled denial.
While I was left with a desperate reality to deny.
I pleaded, he punched.
He hit, I hurt.
I struggled, he oppressed.
He was victorious, I died.
After the attack he stood and walked easily away with a grin,
While I was left to walk without ease covered in his sin.
I detested, he loved.
He adored, I hated.
I begged, he deafened.
He was victorious, I died.
After the attack few words were spoken but horrendous thoughts threatened,
While I lay in silence and neighbors listened.
I tired, he strengthened.
He overpowered, I cried.
I decayed, he replenished.
He was victorious, I died.
After the attack he began a new loveless challenge,
While I contemplated my new loveless existence.
After the attack, he was victorious... as I died.
And now I am no more than a small broken i.
August 1999
19 years old
If only my sad words had been able to adequately express how I had really felt that day. If only those sad words on the tear-stained page could have adequately expressed the absolute anguish I had felt. If only I could’ve told people what that day had really been like for me. But I didn’t have the words for the people. And I didn’t have the words to write on paper. There were no words I could write to adequately express that day. And there were no words I could speak to give voice to the horror of that day.
People tried though. People tried to help me.
My parents stepped up and offered help. The police offered help. The Doctors offered help. The therapists offered help. Everyone offered assistance but I couldn’t be helped.
I was gone.
*****
Looking around my garage I’m disgusted with myself. I stink and I’m dirty and I should really stop this. This doesn’t change anything. Opening another pack of cigarettes doesn’t change anything. Reading another page doesn’t change anything. Nothing changes anything. I know I should stop, but I just can’t.
Walking back into my home, I use the little washroom near the front door and scrub my filthy hands, but I refuse to look in the mirror. I don’t want to see this sad Sadie. I am married, and wonderful, and smart, and an excellent mother. I am not that young Sadie anymore.
Microwaving another coffee, I flick on the outside light and stare at my yard. The pool is closed up for the winter and the backyard looks lonely without all the furniture on the deck. My backyard looks lifeless. Funny, my back yard looks a little like I feel right now.
I’m missing something.
When the buzzer sounds, I grab my favorite coffee and slowly make my way back to my garage.
Stopping I decide to make sure. Checking all the locks on all the windows on the main floor feels good. I’m being secure. I’m taking care. I’m being smart. Running downstairs, I double check all the bars are in place and all the windows are locked by unlocking and locking them again just to hear them engage. Looking at the closest of 8 main panels in my house, I see all 42 lights are red. Everything is armed except the door into the garage from my home. Everything is as it should be.
Now, I can proceed to my lounge chair.
r /> Opening my smoky garage I decide to open the side door, just a crack. I know I can’t be seen unless someone walks way down the side of my garage, just inside the fence gate. I know that, but I’m still nervous someone might.
I cannot have someone see me smoking in my garage. I can’t have anyone see me like this. I know I don’t look the same right now, and that’s okay. It’s okay to not look the same when doing this. I know I don’t really feel the same while I’m doing this either. I know that, and I’m okay with that. I think I’m rational enough to know that anyone under these circumstances would look and feel a little off. Anyone would feel tired and gross when finishing this. I rationally know it’s okay that I probably don’t look very good and I’m okay with that right now, but I still don’t actually want to be seen looking tired and gross. That is not okay for me.
My Dear Stranger IX
Last night my dear stranger came to my bedside once again.
Waking from a light rest, my attention was drawn to His eyes- eyes so lovely and filled with hope, instantly my own eyes wept. Instantly, i reached out for Him, as His arms drew me tightly into His embrace.
As time passed, my stranger did nothing but hold my weeping body. A body so recently damaged and brutalized, i had thought i could never recover. But then He came for me.
But my mind began a whirl-wind of questions. Questions i didn't speak but mentally obsessed over. i wondered if He knew what had happened, and if so, i wondered how much, or how little He actually knew. i wondered what He had felt when it happened to me, or what He felt when He had found out.