ALEXANDER PAW
MY LIFE I AM DOING IT MY WAY
ALEXANDER PAW
MY LIFE WISHY - WASHY
This book is a work of fiction. The events and characters described herein are imaginary and are not intended to refer to specific places or living persons.
MY LIFE ~WISHY – WASHY
All Rights Reserved.
Copyright @ Alexander Paw 2013
Copyright @ Alexander paw 2016
PRAISE FOR ALEXANDER PAW and MY LIFE WISHY - WASHY
“My favorite kind of novel.” Chalisa
“A great, grab – you by - the – seat – opening. -Dan Hunt
“Paw bend’s the rules, but that’s okay!” -The Kosa Group
“A cracking good story, with fascinating characters that will make you think twice about your family . . .” -Paul Zunckel
Other Books by Alexander Paw
The Maze (published in 2010 as Love, Murder and Betrayal) a new ending . . . plus a few new twists and turns.
One shoe in Thailand
Black Jesus
Osideo E. Hoffmaster novels
The Maze
Devil’s Advocate
Boxcar Derby
Dance with the Devil trilogy
Book 1 Human Killers
Book 2 Ladyman
Book 3 Isabella
Policewoman
Hope and Courage
Invasion
My Life Wishy - Washy
For all the ones I have hurt in my lifetime and continue to hurt I am so sorry . . . please forgive me
Acknowledgments
The more I research, the more I realized that however mysterious my life has become is because of me, me and me. There is no other to blame. Is it good or bad? I ask this because I cannot tell the difference anymore. How tear jerking.
To recount some one’s personal history is nothing short of a terrible curse or a blessing.
You decide.
To those I cannot and will not name for reasons we all understand-my heart goes out to you.
To my fifth wife and friends living in Northeast Asia (The Kosa Group) who were my readers who put up with my inadequacies . . . thank you very much.
Now saving the best for last my readers, without you none of this would be possible. Thank you all.
FACT:
They never leave me. I see figures of the ones I have killed. I see reflections, likeness of Gods – Icons to me I guess to enjoy making me what I am, too become.
The voices come when I sleep, ri-iiight! more like now, I lay me down to die. I have kept that wish alive for so long and prayed to every god I have known and to ones I do not know to kill me but nothing happens and I always end up at the same place the beginning – thinking about it.
I believe the Devil and his Demon Gods have something else for me to finish in this mortal life that I have excavated from the spirit realm. I do not know what!
When you dream the same dreams over and over again, see and talk to dead people and end up at the same place – You begin to wonder if god will ever forgive your sins. I quit wondering. I know he will never forgive mine. The reason I say this is because; everyone in my family is dead. My mother and father brother and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins if I have any alive – I do not know have not seen them in over 50 years I know one died 30 years ago from a blood tumor. One went up in flames in the back seat of her car . . . I think smoking while you are tired is not a good thing to do. The others I’m not sure. I have tried to search for them on the web but to no avail. I do not even remember their names, first or last how sad for me.
I presume you can call me stupid. I know you do and it is okay with me. Sometimes I think I am crazy and losing my mind.
My mother always told me that stupid is as stupid does. Yeaaah, I think I am-
Getting back to my family, I am sure they are all deceased. If one passed me on the street I would not recognize him or her.
Charlie
ONCE UPON A TIME
“Let’s get outside Debbie, the snow is falling like cats and dogs come on let’s go … the last one out is a rotten egg.”
My left eye looks like a rotten egg. My little sister Debbie threw my hard ball to me last night and you see I caught it with my eye; I never was good at baseball come to think I was never good at anything. Except double-dealing, killing people and shoplifting. The story of my life!
I have lived a much fucked up life. What I mean by fucked up is some days were okay no that is a very strong word. I think amusing is better. The others well let us say they were days in my life that made me wish you were dead …You.
Death where is your sting?
To tell you the story that you are about to read I should start from the beginning but! Where does the beginning start? For the boy it started I think when he became a mortal human living on this earth. I am not sure. A cold chilling voice told me that he came from Hell! The more I think about this boy – the more I am becoming a believer.
I am being bothered by a voice now as I sit down and write about him … They touch me and when I write I no longer feel that I am in complete control of my writing - it feels to me that the demons within all of us wants to make sure that I tell the truth. Yeah. That sounds legit. Tell the truth. The most dangerous enemy is one that people do not realize exists.
Most people the boy has talked to believe in God and believe the Bible is a letter to humankind to help us enjoy a good life. Who is God? Who is man?
These questions have flabbergasted the boy’s thoughts for so long he is not sure anymore he deliberation that the God who calls himself Satan the Devil was the true God, the architect of good and bad.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD
The snowball pitch from his sister brought him back to the present along with the pain in his eye once again. The boy I have been talking about is me. I have allowed myself to wear so many hats in my lifetime and names I go by have born witness to the life I have chosen. I answer to all … some more than others. My name is Charlie Browne, people call me Charlie, and you can call me Chuck. Yeah, I’ve heard the cliché … it rhymes with fuck.
Chapter 1
TEN YEARS LATER
This morning when I awoke well before 5 a.m. the eerie dream conversation had left me feeling solemn distended somewhat. Not myself.
The Devil, like a serpent from the forgotten depths of history, has risen and wrapped himself around my body. No demands only give and take. Retribution demonically simple squeezing revenge 999 years in the making it seemed after centuries of living in heaven, God has bitten back.
I stood by the foot of my bed, staring vacantly at the clock. The voice was the first to break the silence. “Charlie Browne” it said, using my last name and sounding more like a true friend. But friendship is like a knife – it can kill you. Tonight that is what I will do – kill.
I blink my eyes it was dim but the darkness was vanishing. “You and I serve God in different ways, but service always brings value.”
“By killing … I can imagine how … tonight and forever you are mine …” The Devil’s face looked overwhelmed and he was enjoyed it. “You realize you have no choice but to obey me. To receive riches you must and will do as I say.” “There was nothing spoken about obeying.” I said back. “The decision has always been mine.” “Yeah,” the Devil snapped back. “You will kill them both tonight without them showing mercy.” “Satan?” “Why not both? Like father like son, a manhunt for hot young pussy. First, you must enter the unseen place and do an act of obedience to me. The sanctity of your life weighs above all. You’re a natural born killer always have been and will never stop.” “Do I have a choice?” “Do you want the gift? That’s what you’re asking for then the decision is made alr
eady.”
I sighed and turned to the window, my eyes drifting out onto my mother’s courtyard below. My mother once told me that that when a person dies quickly by another human being his person is torn between two worlds … HERE or AFTER. She mentions God would never forgive the killer and by no means, in no way survive to enjoy a good life.
Here we go again. A good life!
Her words of wisdom sounded suddenly wise for its years. “The time to act is tonight. I would be worthless to ignore you. Killing and death cannot overshadow reason.” Satan nodded, looking impressed. “I have underestimated you, my son.” I did not seem to hear his words of loathing. My gaze was distant on the courtyard. “I will speak openly, my son. This world is my world. I throw myself into its evilness everyday such that others are imaginative to seek something else from life. I will say this just once. It is your destiny. Your instincts, your desires, though worthy of death could be catastrophic.”
The Devil turned. I sighed once again. “Yes I will do as you command me to do my master, my father – I will kill the both of them and pour their blood on the ground and enjoy it to the full.” The Devil did not look displeased, only at a loss. “This is how it will go down.”
I bow my head in obedience. “Say nothing to anyone. Let the air out of their tires. It will give you time to scrutinize their actions.” I was uneasy. “Are you suggesting killing them in their car?”
***
“Yes, my son. That way it’s just another hit and run by a drunk driver.” I shook my head. “I don’t do drive by’s. “Okay, okay just follow them home. It will buy you time to try another opportunity.”
“Fire, Satan. I could wait outside until they drop off to sleep, and burn their house down.” “Brilliant.”
“Take notes my son.” Satan spoke now with the well-organized rattle of a snake. “Cover all the bases seal the windows. Make sure they stay in house.”
“You aren’t staying with me?” I asked with a surprised look on my face. A crackle echoed from my voice. “Stay with? What is this? I must kill alone?” I whimpered like a child at a candy store wanting more. How dishonorable. Like a pathetic little boy.
I cried as if knocked backward by my own words. Satan reached for me, but I regained my balance and fixed my black eyes on him. “I swear on my life, before this night is over they will die.” My voice sharpened like a two edged sword. “I will obey.” Satan laughed coarsely. “I know you will. I have no doubts. Perhaps before the night is over, you will enjoy killing and look for other prey. And when you do …” Satan’s words hung like a blade. Then he was gone.
Chapter 2
I stood at the front of my closet door. The lights in my room still burned bright, even though they are burning out slowly, the smoke mixing with the smell of burning flesh and stale air hits me in my face. Silence encircled me. My closet door locked; I do not remember having a lock installed. Now I waited, trusting. It was time. The voice said, someone on the inside would open the door. I marveled at the events that were about to be played out. I would have waited all night at that door to carry out my curse, but I knew it would not be necessary. I was working for the man himself.
Minutes later, right on time, I could hear voices and movement from inside. Fingers scraped on wood as multiple screams engaged in song. Squeal by howls, the old wood from the door began to creak as if it had not been used in centuries. Finally, it opens.
Then there was coldness, and silence. I waited uncomplainingly, three minutes, four then six. Next, I entered. The door closed behind me all by itself.
Chapter 3
“Satan, I will not do it.” I said, my breath was strenuous and getting worse when more demons arrive. I wanted to lock them out. I craved Yahweh on the wooden door something unfamiliar in the closet that no longer felt like home. If I knew anything, I was sure it was not to be. Right now, I had to swallow the Ectoplasm from demons. In addition, find a bottle of mouthwash.
Satan the Devil was beside me, silent as usual. I have given up wondering who was God … who was man. An evil wicked God that’s all Satan is, but I didn’t say that to his face – I am not entirely stupid at least not yet.
The demons wanted my body again. I realized that now I have a responsibility to be used, badly treated injured, whenever they please. I looked away as if that would help.
It didn’t.
“As far as killing goes,” Satan said, “death is exactly what this is about. You know the problematical of good and bad has enormous implications for life and death on this earth. IF I SAY THEY DIE and you refuse, everybody loses, including you. Humanity’s future is in the hands of you my son, worship of God will not stop death, will not stop you, and the writing of God’s true name on the door won’t stop us from going into the unseen place. Madness of men, working to solve tomorrow’s problems.”
I have heard Satan’s Madness-of-men Ghost story before, and I never believed it. Satan of all creatures caused half the problems of humankind, God created the other half.
Satan was amazed that I was not afraid to carry on a conversation with him. Satan’s intellect was way beyond mine but that would not stop me. Death also written upon my heart I to was divorce from my inner spirit of love for humans.
I score points. I am the one who will do your killing, you are my father and master. This is my way of life now.
When my closet door opened, I was still talking to myself. I raced out of the dark sub-zero closet reached out for my bottle of mouthwash laying on my bed it was empty. Damn! I threw it on the floor. I headed out of the room.
“Charlie, Charlie Browne, stop, stop!” Satan yelled now, as he pulled me back inside the abyss of hell. “There’s one more death that you must complete tonight.” I closed my eyes and tried my best not to listen . . . but that was futile. There are many ways to make one listen and Satan knows them all.
“Charlie Browne, I haven’t been totally honest with you.” Now where have I heard that before? “I don’t know what I was thinking,” Satan said. Another lie I was sure. “I will allow you some more time before you kill you uncle.”
I opened my eyes and bore holes into his skin. “I want to be the one who choose my – our death kills.” I waited for a response. Satan stared at me. “Charlie, don’t you want revenge over the man who raped your sister?”
“You know who killed my sister?” Now that was an answer. “Of course you would,” slapping the palm of my hand atop my forehead.
I looked at Satan his demons were standing around me in the closet. Everything began falling into place. That explains my birth in hell. I was dazed it had not occurred to me earlier. Satan was a loving God after all a God of love. Now it seemed the right thing to do was to obey and give my undivided worship to my God: My maker.
Satan looked enchanting. “My son my beloved,” he said. I felt as if I was doused with ice water. Family.
I let the words echo in my mind, but I was unable to course out a map of action. The voices were cold and heartless. “Kill your uncle, Show no mercy. Pour out his blood on the earth and let the howl of darkness enjoy it – if they please.” I felt befuddled. “What’s the big idea Blood? It’s nothing more.”
“Charrrlie,” Satan butted in, he doesn’t say my name that way unless he truly has something important to say and had I better listen if I know what’s good for me. I should tell you now sometimes I do and sometimes I do not, I think this is one of the dos. He kept on talking as if he was reading from a grocery list, Blood is the life force of humans, to drink it will lengthen your life span but by pouring it out on the ground stops that family’s life. “But Satan I say, I’m part of their family.” “Not any more. Now you’re with me.”
I suffer suddenly all alone. I turned to go, but Satan said there was one more thing I must do. Here we go again.
Satan reached for something it came from nowhere, everywhere. It was red hot and glowing. I swayed in horror as my eyes looked at this horrified. They branded me, emblazoned my ass cheeks with t
he numbers 666 on the left - 999 on the right.
I knew now whether I wanted to admit it or not. I belonged to the Devil and his Demon Gods!
Chapter 4
In a lavish Penthouse uptown, a middle aged man sat staring at hundreds of nude pictures of young girls. He watched as images flashed before him – reminiscences of the girls – women that he raped and killed. The girls went by in an endless pageant. Brown-haired women, blonde-haired girls plus his favorite the Redhead Charlie Browne’s big sister.
As the memoirs went by, the middle aged man fought off a daydream. He understood he was dying from malignant cells within his heart, and yet he was still watchful. One more he said to himself. Service was an honor one less whore to feed and shelter. As his thoughts drifted toward his family, an image before him triggered alarm. Jumpy with a speed that would have made Superman be in awe of him.
The picture in his mind froze. Could it be? Seemed to be.
His heart started to beat faster and louder, palpitating rapidly he rubbed the bottom on his chest. The image he saw was no recollection of past events, but of the future. The image before him was of his nephew killing him.
Chapter 5