JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST
I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it'sShakespeare--or, if not, it's some equally brainy lad--who says thatit's always just when a chappie is feeling particularly top-hole, andmore than usually braced with things in general that Fate sneaks upbehind him with a bit of lead piping. There's no doubt the man's right.It's absolutely that way with me. Take, for instance, the fairly rummymatter of Lady Malvern and her son Wilmot. A moment before they turnedup, I was just thinking how thoroughly all right everything was.
It was one of those topping mornings, and I had just climbed out fromunder the cold shower, feeling like a two-year-old. As a matter offact, I was especially bucked just then because the day before I hadasserted myself with Jeeves--absolutely asserted myself, don't youknow. You see, the way things had been going on I was rapidly becominga dashed serf. The man had jolly well oppressed me. I didn't so muchmind when he made me give up one of my new suits, because, Jeeves'sjudgment about suits is sound. But I as near as a toucher rebelled whenhe wouldn't let me wear a pair of cloth-topped boots which I loved likea couple of brothers. And when he tried to tread on me like a worm inthe matter of a hat, I jolly well put my foot down and showed him whowas who. It's a long story, and I haven't time to tell you now, butthe point is that he wanted me to wear the Longacre--as worn by JohnDrew--when I had set my heart on the Country Gentleman--as worn byanother famous actor chappie--and the end of the matter was that, aftera rather painful scene, I bought the Country Gentleman. So that's howthings stood on this particular morning, and I was feeling kind ofmanly and independent.
Well, I was in the bathroom, wondering what there was going to be forbreakfast while I massaged the good old spine with a rough towel andsang slightly, when there was a tap at the door. I stopped singing andopened the door an inch.
"What ho without there!"
"Lady Malvern wishes to see you, sir," said Jeeves.
"Eh?"
"Lady Malvern, sir. She is waiting in the sitting-room."
"Pull yourself together, Jeeves, my man," I said, rather severely, forI bar practical jokes before breakfast. "You know perfectly wellthere's no one waiting for me in the sitting-room. How could there bewhen it's barely ten o'clock yet?"
"I gathered from her ladyship, sir, that she had landed from an oceanliner at an early hour this morning."
This made the thing a bit more plausible. I remembered that when I hadarrived in America about a year before, the proceedings had begun atsome ghastly hour like six, and that I had been shot out on to aforeign shore considerably before eight.
"Who the deuce is Lady Malvern, Jeeves?"
"Her ladyship did not confide in me, sir."
"Is she alone?"
"Her ladyship is accompanied by a Lord Pershore, sir. I fancy that hislordship would be her ladyship's son."
"Oh, well, put out rich raiment of sorts, and I'll be dressing."
"Our heather-mixture lounge is in readiness, sir."
"Then lead me to it."
While I was dressing I kept trying to think who on earth Lady Malverncould be. It wasn't till I had climbed through the top of my shirt andwas reaching out for the studs that I remembered.
"I've placed her, Jeeves. She's a pal of my Aunt Agatha."
"Indeed, sir?"
"Yes. I met her at lunch one Sunday before I leftLondon. A very vicious specimen. Writes books. She wrote a book onsocial conditions in India when she came back from the Durbar."
"Yes, sir? Pardon me, sir, but not that tie!"
"Eh?"
"Not that tie with the heather-mixture lounge, sir!"
It was a shock to me. I thought I had quelled the fellow. It was rathera solemn moment. What I mean is, if I weakened now, all my good workthe night before would be thrown away. I braced myself.
"What's wrong with this tie? I've seen you give it a nasty look before.Speak out like a man! What's the matter with it?"
"Too ornate, sir."
"Nonsense! A cheerful pink. Nothing more."
"Unsuitable, sir."
"Jeeves, this is the tie I wear!"
"Very good, sir."
Dashed unpleasant. I could see that the man was wounded. But I wasfirm. I tied the tie, got into the coat and waistcoat, and went intothe sitting-room.
"Halloa! Halloa! Halloa!" I said. "What?"
"Ah! How do you do, Mr. Wooster? You have never met my son, Wilmot, Ithink? Motty, darling, this is Mr. Wooster."
Lady Malvern was a hearty, happy, healthy, overpowering sort of dashedfemale, not so very tall but making up for it by measuring about six feetfrom the O.P. to the Prompt Side. She fitted into my biggest arm-chair asif it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearingarm-chairs tight about the hips that season. She had bright, bulgingeyes and a lot of yellow hair, and when she spoke she showed aboutfifty-seven front teeth. She was one of those women who kind of numba fellow's faculties. She made me feel as if I were ten years old andhad been brought into the drawing-room in my Sunday clothes to sayhow-d'you-do. Altogether by no means the sort of thing a chappie wouldwish to find in his sitting-room before breakfast.
Motty, the son, was about twenty-three, tall and thin and meek-looking.He had the same yellow hair as his mother, but he wore it plastereddown and parted in the middle. His eyes bulged, too, but they weren'tbright. They were a dull grey with pink rims. His chin gave up thestruggle about half-way down, and he didn't appear to have anyeyelashes. A mild, furtive, sheepish sort of blighter, in short.
"Awfully glad to see you," I said. "So you've popped over, eh? Making along stay in America?"
"About a month. Your aunt gave me your address and told me to be sureand call on you."
I was glad to hear this, as it showed that Aunt Agatha was beginning tocome round a bit. There had been some unpleasantness a year before,when she had sent me over to New York to disentangle my Cousin Gussiefrom the clutches of a girl on the music-hall stage. When I tell youthat by the time I had finished my operations, Gussie had not onlymarried the girl but had gone on the stage himself, and was doing well,you'll understand that Aunt Agatha was upset to no small extent. Isimply hadn't dared go back and face her, and it was a relief to findthat time had healed the wound and all that sort of thing enough tomake her tell her pals to look me up. What I mean is, much as I likedAmerica, I didn't want to have England barred to me for the rest of mynatural; and, believe me, England is a jolly sight too small for anyoneto live in with Aunt Agatha, if she's really on the warpath. So Ibraced on hearing these kind words and smiled genially on theassemblage.
"Your aunt said that you would do anything that was in your power to beof assistance to us."
"Rather? Oh, rather! Absolutely!"
"Thank you so much. I want you to put dear Motty up for a littlewhile."
I didn't get this for a moment.
"Put him up? For my clubs?"
"No, no! Darling Motty is essentially a home bird. Aren't you, Mottydarling?"
Motty, who was sucking the knob of his stick, uncorked himself.
"Yes, mother," he said, and corked himself up again.
"I should not like him to belong to clubs. I mean put him up here. Havehim to live with you while I am away."
These frightful words trickled out of her like honey. The woman simplydidn't seem to understand the ghastly nature of her proposal. I gaveMotty the swift east-to-west. He was sitting with his mouth nuzzlingthe stick, blinking at the wall. The thought of having this planted onme for an indefinite period appalled me. Absolutely appalled me, don'tyou know. I was just starting to say that the shot wasn't on the boardat any price, and that the first sign Motty gave of trying to nestleinto my little home I would yell for the police, when she went on,rolling placidly over me, as it were.
There was something about this woman that sapped a chappie's will-power.
"I am leaving New York by the midday train, as I have to pay a visit toSing-Sing prison. I am extremely interested in prison condition
s inAmerica. After that I work my way gradually across to the coast,visiting the points of interest on the journey. You see, Mr. Wooster, Iam in America principally on business. No doubt you read my book,_India and the Indians_? My publishers are anxious for me to writea companion volume on the United States. I shall not be able to spendmore than a month in the country, as I have to get back for the season,but a month should be ample. I was less than a month in India, and mydear friend Sir Roger Cremorne wrote his _America from Within_after a stay of only two weeks. I should love to take dear Motty withme, but the poor boy gets so sick when he travels by train. I shallhave to pick him up on my return."
From where I sat I could see Jeeves in the dining-room, laying thebreakfast-table. I wished I could have had a minute with him alone. Ifelt certain that he would have been able to think of some way ofputting a stop to this woman.
"It will be such a relief to know that Motty is safe with you, Mr.Wooster. I know what the temptations of a great city are. Hitherto dearMotty has been sheltered from them. He has lived quietly with me in thecountry. I know that you will look after him carefully, Mr. Wooster. Hewill give very little trouble." She talked about the poor blighter asif he wasn't there. Not that Motty seemed to mind. He had stoppedchewing his walking-stick and was sitting there with his mouth open."He is a vegetarian and a teetotaller and is devoted to reading. Givehim a nice book and he will be quite contented." She got up. "Thank youso much, Mr. Wooster! I don't know what I should have done without yourhelp. Come, Motty! We have just time to see a few of the sights beforemy train goes. But I shall have to rely on you for most of myinformation about New York, darling. Be sure to keep your eyes open andtake notes of your impressions! It will be such a help. Good-bye, Mr.Wooster. I will send Motty back early in the afternoon."
They went out, and I howled for Jeeves.
"Jeeves! What about it?"
"Sir?"
"What's to be done? You heard it all, didn't you? You were in thedining-room most of the time. That pill is coming to stay here."
"Pill, sir?"
"The excrescence."
"I beg your pardon, sir?"
I looked at Jeeves sharply. This sort of thing wasn't like him. It wasas if he were deliberately trying to give me the pip. Then Iunderstood. The man was really upset about that tie. He was trying toget his own back.
"Lord Pershore will be staying here from to-night, Jeeves," I saidcoldly.
"Very good, sir. Breakfast is ready, sir."
I could have sobbed into the bacon and eggs. That there wasn't anysympathy to be got out of Jeeves was what put the lid on it. For amoment I almost weakened and told him to destroy the hat and tie if hedidn't like them, but I pulled myself together again. I was dashed if Iwas going to let Jeeves treat me like a bally one-man chain-gang!
But, what with brooding on Jeeves and brooding on Motty, I was in apretty reduced sort of state. The more I examined the situation, themore blighted it became. There was nothing I could do. If I slung Mottyout, he would report to his mother, and she would pass it on to AuntAgatha, and I didn't like to think what would happen then. Sooner orlater, I should be wanting to go back to England, and I didn't want toget there and find Aunt Agatha waiting on the quay for me with astuffed eelskin. There was absolutely nothing for it but to put thefellow up and make the best of it.
About midday Motty's luggage arrived, and soon afterward a large parcelof what I took to be nice books. I brightened up a little when I sawit. It was one of those massive parcels and looked as if it had enoughin it to keep the chappie busy for a year. I felt a trifle morecheerful, and I got my Country Gentleman hat and stuck it on my head,and gave the pink tie a twist, and reeled out to take a bite of lunchwith one or two of the lads at a neighbouring hostelry; and what withexcellent browsing and sluicing and cheery conversation and what-not,the afternoon passed quite happily. By dinner-time I had almostforgotten blighted Motty's existence.
I dined at the club and looked in at a show afterward, and it wasn'ttill fairly late that I got back to the flat. There were no signs ofMotty, and I took it that he had gone to bed.
It seemed rummy to me, though, that the parcel of nice books was stillthere with the string and paper on it. It looked as if Motty, afterseeing mother off at the station, had decided to call it a day.
Jeeves came in with the nightly whisky-and-soda. I could tell by thechappie's manner that he was still upset.
"Lord Pershore gone to bed, Jeeves?" I asked, with reserved hauteur andwhat-not.
"No, sir. His lordship has not yet returned."
"Not returned? What do you mean?"
"His lordship came in shortly after six-thirty, and, having dressed,went out again."
At this moment there was a noise outside the front door, a sort ofscrabbling noise, as if somebody were trying to paw his way through thewoodwork. Then a sort of thud.
"Better go and see what that is, Jeeves."
"Very good, sir."
He went out and came back again.
"If you would not mind stepping this way, sir, I think we might be ableto carry him in."
"Carry him in?"
"His lordship is lying on the mat, sir."
I went to the front door. The man was right. There was Motty huddled upoutside on the floor. He was moaning a bit.
"He's had some sort of dashed fit," I said. I took another look."Jeeves! Someone's been feeding him meat!"
"Sir?"
"He's a vegetarian, you know. He must have been digging into a steak orsomething. Call up a doctor!"
"I hardly think it will be necessary, sir. If you would take hislordship's legs, while I----"
"Great Scot, Jeeves! You don't think--he can't be----"
"I am inclined to think so, sir."
And, by Jove, he was right! Once on the right track, you couldn'tmistake it. Motty was under the surface.
It was the deuce of a shock.
"You never can tell, Jeeves!"
"Very seldom, sir."
"Remove the eye of authority and where are you?"
"Precisely, sir."
"Where is my wandering boy to-night and all that sort of thing, what?"
"It would seem so, sir."
"Well, we had better bring him in, eh?"
"Yes, sir."
So we lugged him in, and Jeeves put him to bed, and I lit a cigaretteand sat down to think the thing over. I had a kind of foreboding. Itseemed to me that I had let myself in for something pretty rocky.
Next morning, after I had sucked down a thoughtful cup of tea, I wentinto Motty's room to investigate. I expected to find the fellow awreck, but there he was, sitting up in bed, quite chirpy, readingGingery stories.
"What ho!" I said.
"What ho!" said Motty.
"What ho! What ho!"
"What ho! What ho! What ho!"
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
"How are you feeling this morning?" I asked.
"Topping!" replied Motty, blithely and with abandon. "I say, you know,that fellow of yours--Jeeves, you know--is a corker. I had a mostfrightful headache when I woke up, and he brought me a sort of rummydark drink, and it put me right again at once. Said it was his owninvention. I must see more of that lad. He seems to me distinctly oneof the ones!"
I couldn't believe that this was the same blighter who had sat andsucked his stick the day before.
"You ate something that disagreed with you last night, didn't you?" Isaid, by way of giving him a chance to slide out of it if he wanted to.But he wouldn't have it, at any price.
"No!" he replied firmly. "I didn't do anything of the kind. I drank toomuch! Much too much. Lots and lots too much! And, what's more, I'mgoing to do it again! I'm going to do it every night. If ever you seeme sober, old top," he said, with a kind of holy exaltation, "tap me onthe shoulder and say, 'Tut! Tut!' and I'll apologize and remedy thedefect."
"But I say, you know, what about me?"
"What about you?"
&nb
sp; "Well, I'm so to speak, as it were, kind of responsible for you. What Imean to say is, if you go doing this sort of thing I'm apt to get inthe soup somewhat."
"I can't help your troubles," said Motty firmly. "Listen to me, oldthing: this is the first time in my life that I've had a real chance toyield to the temptations of a great city. What's the use of a greatcity having temptations if fellows don't yield to them? Makes it sobally discouraging for a great city. Besides, mother told me to keep myeyes open and collect impressions."
I sat on the edge of the bed. I felt dizzy.
"I know just how you feel, old dear," said Motty consolingly. "And, ifmy principles would permit it, I would simmer down for your sake. Butduty first! This is the first time I've been let out alone, and I meanto make the most of it. We're only young once. Why interfere withlife's morning? Young man, rejoice in thy youth! Tra-la! What ho!"
Put like that, it did seem reasonable.
"All my bally life, dear boy," Motty went on, "I've been cooped up inthe ancestral home at Much Middlefold, in Shropshire, and till you'vebeen cooped up in Much Middlefold you don't know what cooping is! Theonly time we get any excitement is when one of the choir-boys is caughtsucking chocolate during the sermon. When that happens, we talk aboutit for days. I've got about a month of New York, and I mean to store upa few happy memories for the long winter evenings. This is my onlychance to collect a past, and I'm going to do it. Now tell me, oldsport, as man to man, how does one get in touch with that very decentchappie Jeeves? Does one ring a bell or shout a bit? I should like todiscuss the subject of a good stiff b.-and-s. with him!"
* * * * *
I had had a sort of vague idea, don't you know, that if I stuck closeto Motty and went about the place with him, I might act as a bit of adamper on the gaiety. What I mean is, I thought that if, when he wasbeing the life and soul of the party, he were to catch my reproving eyehe might ease up a trifle on the revelry. So the next night I took himalong to supper with me. It was the last time. I'm a quiet, peacefulsort of chappie who has lived all his life in London, and I can't standthe pace these swift sportsmen from the rural districts set. What Imean to say is this, I'm all for rational enjoyment and so forth, but Ithink a chappie makes himself conspicuous when he throws soft-boiledeggs at the electric fan. And decent mirth and all that sort of thingare all right, but I do bar dancing on tables and having to dash allover the place dodging waiters, managers, and chuckers-out, just whenyou want to sit still and digest.
Directly I managed to tear myself away that night and get home, I madeup my mind that this was jolly well the last time that I went aboutwith Motty. The only time I met him late at night after that was oncewhen I passed the door of a fairly low-down sort of restaurant and hadto step aside to dodge him as he sailed through the air _en route_for the opposite pavement, with a muscular sort of looking chappiepeering out after him with a kind of gloomy satisfaction.
In a way, I couldn't help sympathizing with the fellow. He had aboutfour weeks to have the good time that ought to have been spread overabout ten years, and I didn't wonder at his wanting to be pretty busy.I should have been just the same in his place. Still, there was nodenying that it was a bit thick. If it hadn't been for the thought ofLady Malvern and Aunt Agatha in the background, I should have regardedMotty's rapid work with an indulgent smile. But I couldn't get rid ofthe feeling that, sooner or later, I was the lad who was scheduled toget it behind the ear. And what with brooding on this prospect, andsitting up in the old flat waiting for the familiar footstep, andputting it to bed when it got there, and stealing into the sick-chambernext morning to contemplate the wreckage, I was beginning to loseweight. Absolutely becoming the good old shadow, I give you my honestword. Starting at sudden noises and what-not.
And no sympathy from Jeeves. That was what cut me to the quick. The manwas still thoroughly pipped about the hat and tie, and simply wouldn'trally round. One morning I wanted comforting so much that I sank thepride of the Woosters and appealed to the fellow direct.
"Jeeves," I said, "this is getting a bit thick!"
"Sir?" Business and cold respectfulness.
"You know what I mean. This lad seems to have chucked all theprinciples of a well-spent boyhood. He has got it up his nose!"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, I shall get blamed, don't you know. You know what my Aunt Agathais!"
"Yes, sir."
"Very well, then."
I waited a moment, but he wouldn't unbend.
"Jeeves," I said, "haven't you any scheme up your sleeve for copingwith this blighter?"
"No, sir."
And he shimmered off to his lair. Obstinate devil! So dashed absurd,don't you know. It wasn't as if there was anything wrong with thatCountry Gentleman hat. It was a remarkably priceless effort, and muchadmired by the lads. But, just because he preferred the Longacre, heleft me flat.
It was shortly after this that young Motty got the idea of bringingpals back in the small hours to continue the gay revels in the home.This was where I began to crack under the strain. You see, the part oftown where I was living wasn't the right place for that sort of thing.I knew lots of chappies down Washington Square way who started theevening at about 2 a.m.--artists and writers and what-not, whofrolicked considerably till checked by the arrival of the morning milk.That was all right. They like that sort of thing down there. Theneighbours can't get to sleep unless there's someone dancing Hawaiiandances over their heads. But on Fifty-seventh Street the atmospherewasn't right, and when Motty turned up at three in the morning with acollection of hearty lads, who only stopped singing their college songwhen they started singing "The Old Oaken Bucket," there was a markedpeevishness among the old settlers in the flats. The management wasextremely terse over the telephone at breakfast-time, and took a lot ofsoothing.
The next night I came home early, after a lonely dinner at a placewhich I'd chosen because there didn't seem any chance of meeting Mottythere. The sitting-room was quite dark, and I was just moving to switchon the light, when there was a sort of explosion and something collaredhold of my trouser-leg. Living with Motty had reduced me to such anextent that I was simply unable to cope with this thing. I jumpedbackward with a loud yell of anguish, and tumbled out into the halljust as Jeeves came out of his den to see what the matter was.
"Did you call, sir?"
"Jeeves! There's something in there that grabs you by the leg!"
"That would be Rollo, sir."
"Eh?"
"I would have warned you of his presence, but I did not hear you comein. His temper is a little uncertain at present, as he has not yetsettled down."
"Who the deuce is Rollo?"
"His lordship's bull-terrier, sir. His lordship won him in a raffle,and tied him to the leg of the table. If you will allow me, sir, I willgo in and switch on the light."
There really is nobody like Jeeves. He walked straight into thesitting-room, the biggest feat since Daniel and the lions' den, withouta quiver. What's more, his magnetism or whatever they call it was suchthat the dashed animal, instead of pinning him by the leg, calmed downas if he had had a bromide, and rolled over on his back with all hispaws in the air. If Jeeves had been his rich uncle he couldn't havebeen more chummy. Yet directly he caught sight of me again, he got allworked up and seemed to have only one idea in life--to start chewing mewhere he had left off.
"Rollo is not used to you yet, sir," said Jeeves, regarding the ballyquadruped in an admiring sort of way. "He is an excellent watchdog."
"I don't want a watchdog to keep me out of my rooms."
"No, sir."
"Well, what am I to do?"
"No doubt in time the animal will learn to discriminate, sir. He willlearn to distinguish your peculiar scent."
"What do you mean--my peculiar scent? Correct the impression that Iintend to hang about in the hall while life slips by, in the hope thatone of these days that dashed animal will decide that I smell allright." I thought for a bit. "Jeeves!"
"Sir?"
"I'm going away--to-morrow morning by the first train. I shall go andstop with Mr. Todd in the country."
"Do you wish me to accompany you, sir?"
"No."
"Very good, sir."
"I don't know when I shall be back. Forward my letters."
"Yes, sir."
* * * * *
As a matter of fact, I was back within the week. Rocky Todd, the pal Iwent to stay with, is a rummy sort of a chap who lives all alone in thewilds of Long Island, and likes it; but a little of that sort of thinggoes a long way with me. Dear old Rocky is one of the best, but after afew days in his cottage in the woods, miles away from anywhere, NewYork, even with Motty on the premises, began to look pretty good to me.The days down on Long Island have forty-eight hours in them; you can'tget to sleep at night because of the bellowing of the crickets; and youhave to walk two miles for a drink and six for an evening paper. Ithanked Rocky for his kind hospitality, and caught the only train theyhave down in those parts. It landed me in New York about dinner-time. Iwent straight to the old flat. Jeeves came out of his lair. I lookedround cautiously for Rollo.
"Where's that dog, Jeeves? Have you got him tied up?"
"The animal is no longer here, sir. His lordship gave him to theporter, who sold him. His lordship took a prejudice against the animalon account of being bitten by him in the calf of the leg."
I don't think I've ever been so bucked by a bit of news. I felt I hadmisjudged Rollo. Evidently, when you got to know him better, he had alot of intelligence in him.
"Ripping!" I said. "Is Lord Pershore in, Jeeves?"
"No, sir."
"Do you expect him back to dinner?"
"No, sir."
"Where is he?"
"In prison, sir."
Have you ever trodden on a rake and had the handle jump up and hit you?That's how I felt then.
"In prison!"
"Yes, sir."
"You don't mean--in prison?"
"Yes, sir."
I lowered myself into a chair.
"Why?" I said.
"He assaulted a constable, sir."
"Lord Pershore assaulted a constable!"
"Yes, sir."
I digested this.
"But, Jeeves, I say! This is frightful!"
"Sir?"
"What will Lady Malvern say when she finds out?"
"I do not fancy that her ladyship will find out, sir."
"But she'll come back and want to know where he is."
"I rather fancy, sir, that his lordship's bit of time will have run outby then."
"But supposing it hasn't?"
"In that event, sir, it may be judicious to prevaricate a little."
"How?"
"If I might make the suggestion, sir, I should inform her ladyship thathis lordship has left for a short visit to Boston."
"Why Boston?"
"Very interesting and respectable centre, sir."
"Jeeves, I believe you've hit it."
"I fancy so, sir."
"Why, this is really the best thing that could have happened. If thishadn't turned up to prevent him, young Motty would have been in asanatorium by the time Lady Malvern got back."
"Exactly, sir."
The more I looked at it in that way, the sounder this prison wheezeseemed to me. There was no doubt in the world that prison was just whatthe doctor ordered for Motty. It was the only thing that could havepulled him up. I was sorry for the poor blighter, but, after all, Ireflected, a chappie who had lived all his life with Lady Malvern, in asmall village in the interior of Shropshire, wouldn't have much to kickat in a prison. Altogether, I began to feel absolutely braced again.Life became like what the poet Johnnie says--one grand, sweet song.Things went on so comfortably and peacefully for a couple of weeks thatI give you my word that I'd almost forgotten such a person as Mottyexisted. The only flaw in the scheme of things was that Jeeves wasstill pained and distant. It wasn't anything he said or did, mind you,but there was a rummy something about him all the time. Once when I wastying the pink tie I caught sight of him in the looking-glass. Therewas a kind of grieved look in his eye.
And then Lady Malvern came back, a good bit ahead of schedule. I hadn'tbeen expecting her for days. I'd forgotten how time had been slippingalong. She turned up one morning while I was still in bed sipping teaand thinking of this and that. Jeeves flowed in with the announcementthat he had just loosed her into the sitting-room. I draped a fewgarments round me and went in.
There she was, sitting in the same arm-chair, looking as massive asever. The only difference was that she didn't uncover the teeth, as shehad done the first time.
"Good morning," I said. "So you've got back, what?"
"I have got back."
There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she hadswallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that sheprobably hadn't breakfasted. It's only after a bit of breakfast thatI'm able to regard the world with that sunny cheeriness which makes afellow the universal favourite. I'm never much of a lad till I'veengulfed an egg or two and a beaker of coffee.
"I suppose you haven't breakfasted?"
"I have not yet breakfasted."
"Won't you have an egg or something? Or a sausage or something? Orsomething?"
"No, thank you."
She spoke as if she belonged to an anti-sausage society or a league forthe suppression of eggs. There was a bit of a silence.
"I called on you last night," she said, "but you were out."
"Awfully sorry! Had a pleasant trip?"
"Extremely, thank you."
"See everything? Niag'ra Falls, Yellowstone Park, and the jolly oldGrand Canyon, and what-not?"
"I saw a great deal."
There was another slightly _frappe_ silence. Jeeves floatedsilently into the dining-room and began to lay the breakfast-table.
"I hope Wilmot was not in your way, Mr. Wooster?"
I had been wondering when she was going to mention Motty.
"Rather not! Great pals! Hit it off splendidly."
"You were his constant companion, then?"
"Absolutely! We were always together. Saw all the sights, don't youknow. We'd take in the Museum of Art in the morning, and have a bit oflunch at some good vegetarian place, and then toddle along to a sacredconcert in the afternoon, and home to an early dinner. We usuallyplayed dominoes after dinner. And then the early bed and the refreshingsleep. We had a great time. I was awfully sorry when he went away toBoston."
"Oh! Wilmot is in Boston?"
"Yes. I ought to have let you know, but of course we didn't know whereyou were. You were dodging all over the place like a snipe--I mean,don't you know, dodging all over the place, and we couldn't get at you.Yes, Motty went off to Boston."
"You're sure he went to Boston?"
"Oh, absolutely." I called out to Jeeves, who was now messing about inthe next room with forks and so forth: "Jeeves, Lord Pershore didn'tchange his mind about going to Boston, did he?"
"No, sir."
"I thought I was right. Yes, Motty went to Boston."
"Then how do you account, Mr. Wooster, for the fact that when I wentyesterday afternoon to Blackwell's Island prison, to secure materialfor my book, I saw poor, dear Wilmot there, dressed in a striped suit,seated beside a pile of stones with a hammer in his hands?"
I tried to think of something to say, but nothing came. A chappie hasto be a lot broader about the forehead than I am to handle a jolt likethis. I strained the old bean till it creaked, but between the collarand the hair parting nothing stirred. I was dumb. Which was lucky,because I wouldn't have had a chance to get any persiflage out of mysystem. Lady Malvern collared the conversation. She had been bottlingit up, and now it came out with a rush:
"So this is how you have looked after my poor, dear boy, Mr. Wooster!So this is how you have abused my trust! I left him in your charge,thinking that I could rely on you to shield him fro
m evil. He came toyou innocent, unversed in the ways of the world, confiding, unused tothe temptations of a large city, and you led him astray!"
I hadn't any remarks to make. All I could think of was the picture ofAunt Agatha drinking all this in and reaching out to sharpen thehatchet against my return.
"You deliberately----"
Far away in the misty distance a soft voice spoke:
"If I might explain, your ladyship."
Jeeves had projected himself in from the dining-room and materializedon the rug. Lady Malvern tried to freeze him with a look, but you can'tdo that sort of thing to Jeeves. He is look-proof.
"I fancy, your ladyship, that you have misunderstood Mr. Wooster, andthat he may have given you the impression that he was in New York whenhis lordship--was removed. When Mr. Wooster informed your ladyship thathis lordship had gone to Boston, he was relying on the version I hadgiven him of his lordship's movements. Mr. Wooster was away, visiting afriend in the country, at the time, and knew nothing of the matter tillyour ladyship informed him."
Lady Malvern gave a kind of grunt. It didn't rattle Jeeves.
"I feared Mr. Wooster might be disturbed if he knew the truth, as he isso attached to his lordship and has taken such pains to look after him,so I took the liberty of telling him that his lordship had gone awayfor a visit. It might have been hard for Mr. Wooster to believe thathis lordship had gone to prison voluntarily and from the best motives,but your ladyship, knowing him better, will readily understand."
"What!" Lady Malvern goggled at him. "Did you say that Lord Pershorewent to prison voluntarily?"
"If I might explain, your ladyship. I think that your ladyship'sparting words made a deep impression on his lordship. I have frequentlyheard him speak to Mr. Wooster of his desire to do something to followyour ladyship's instructions and collect material for your ladyship'sbook on America. Mr. Wooster will bear me out when I say that hislordship was frequently extremely depressed at the thought that he wasdoing so little to help."
"Absolutely, by Jove! Quite pipped about it!" I said.
"The idea of making a personal examination into the prison system ofthe country--from within--occurred to his lordship very suddenly onenight. He embraced it eagerly. There was no restraining him."
Lady Malvern looked at Jeeves, then at me, then at Jeeves again. Icould see her struggling with the thing.
"Surely, your ladyship," said Jeeves, "it is more reasonable to supposethat a gentleman of his lordship's character went to prison of his ownvolition than that he committed some breach of the law whichnecessitated his arrest?"
Lady Malvern blinked. Then she got up.
"Mr. Wooster," she said, "I apologize. I have done you an injustice. Ishould have known Wilmot better. I should have had more faith in hispure, fine spirit."
"Absolutely!" I said.
"Your breakfast is ready, sir," said Jeeves.
I sat down and dallied in a dazed sort of way with a poached egg.
"Jeeves," I said, "you are certainly a life-saver!"
"Thank you, sir."
"Nothing would have convinced my Aunt Agatha that I hadn't lured thatblighter into riotous living."
"I fancy you are right, sir."
I champed my egg for a bit. I was most awfully moved, don't you know,by the way Jeeves had rallied round. Something seemed to tell me thatthis was an occasion that called for rich rewards. For a moment Ihesitated. Then I made up my mind.
"Jeeves!"
"Sir?"
"That pink tie!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Burn it!"
"Thank you, sir."
"And, Jeeves!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Take a taxi and get me that Longacre hat, as worn by John Drew!"
"Thank you very much, sir."
I felt most awfully braced. I felt as if the clouds had rolled away andall was as it used to be. I felt like one of those chappies in thenovels who calls off the fight with his wife in the last chapter anddecides to forget and forgive. I felt I wanted to do all sorts of otherthings to show Jeeves that I appreciated him.
"Jeeves," I said, "it isn't enough. Is there anything else you wouldlike?"
"Yes, sir. If I may make the suggestion--fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars?"
"It will enable me to pay a debt of honour, sir. I owe it to hislordship."
"You owe Lord Pershore fifty dollars?"
"Yes, sir. I happened to meet him in the street the night his lordshipwas arrested. I had been thinking a good deal about the most suitablemethod of inducing him to abandon his mode of living, sir. His lordshipwas a little over-excited at the time and I fancy that he mistook mefor a friend of his. At any rate when I took the liberty of wageringhim fifty dollars that he would not punch a passing policeman in theeye, he accepted the bet very cordially and won it."
I produced my pocket-book and counted out a hundred.
"Take this, Jeeves," I said; "fifty isn't enough. Do you know, Jeeves,you're--well, you absolutely stand alone!"
"I endeavour to give satisfaction, sir," said Jeeves.