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CLUB CHAMPIONSHIP
Terence emerged from the bedroom and entered the lounge; arched his back, pushed his elbows high, and stretched. After a loud yawn, he scratched his belly for a few seconds.
“That belly’s got quite a bit bigger since your retirement, Darling,” said Mary, his wife of 40 years. “You need to do some exercise. At least I get some with my lawn bowling. You really should come. They’re nice people at the club.”
“You’re up early,” he said. “Looks like you’re dressed for bowls again.”
“Yes. An important day today. It’s the last round of the inter-club competition. If we win, we are the regional champions for the women’s senior class.”
“Good for you.” Terence stretched and yawned again.
“Anyway, you slept in,” she said. “It’s nearly 9:00 am. Hurry up and get dressed, Mabel will probably arrive early to take me to bowls, she always likes to talk. You know what she’s like. And, I don’t want her to see you standing around in your old underpants and singlet with your dressing gown open. Why you can’t wear nice pyjamas like other men, I’ll never know.”
“Firstly, forty years ago you never liked me wearing anything in bed. Secondly, how do you know what other men wear in bed?”
“In reply to your questions, firstly, you had more hair on your head then, not growing out your ears and nose. Secondly, none of your business. But please hurry up and dress. She’s not due for half-an-hour, but you never know.”
“Go on. Let me have some fun. Just a quick flash for old Mabel, it might make her day. The poor thing’s put two husbands in their graves. She’ll never get a third.”
“One look at you and she’ll never want one. Get moving. At worst you’ll give her a heart attack; at best you’ll put her off her bowls.”
“Yes, yes, Darling.”
“While you get dressed, I’ll pick a few lemons and other fruit off the trees for her. She loves cooking and making things, and appreciates fresh fruit. Keep an ear on the door.”
“What happens if she comes while I’m in the shower?”
“Ask her in to scrub your back. Don’t worry; she’ll know to come around the back if there’s no reply. She knows I’m often in the garden.”
“Yeah, yeah. If I’m not dressed and she catches me in my dressing gown, the gossiping old bag will tell everyone I indecently exposed myself.”
“You haven’t got anything decent to expose.”
Mary exited the back door, closing it behind her. Terence eyed the jug thinking about a cup of tea before showering, then thought it would be better not to as Mabel’s famous ability at gossiping would creat something nasty.
Terence had barely made two steps toward the bathroom when he heard a knock on the door.
“Damn,” he mumbled under his breath.
As he walked toward the front door, he closed and tied up his dressing gown, checked he had his slippers on the proper feet, and ran his fingers through his considerably thinner locks of hair.
Expecting to see Mabel, he called out “Hello, you’re looking gorgeous today,” and swung the door back quickly. Instead, it was two people, semi-formally, but soberly dressed, standing on the other side of the fly-screen/security door. Immediately realizing his mistake he stumbled out, “Hello, yes it looks gorgeous today isn’t it?”
The woman was the closer of the two.
“Yes,” she responded, “especially with all the troubles we are having in the world today, the earthquakes, wars, tsunamis and millions dying of hunger.”
The speaker, with jet-black hair, was an attractive woman, maybe in her early thirties. Terence’s eyes quickly scanned her partner standing a metre or so behind her. His gaunt pale face with thick glasses sitting on a very long thin nose, slim body, and slightly hunched back, immediately made Terence think of a vulture sitting around waiting for the last gasps of life from a dying animal.
“What can I do for you?” asked Terence politely, still wondering if he had cleverly covered up his previous faux-pas.
“We, through our book, and the guidance of our Lord, are trying to show people the right path before the end of the world, and save as many souls as we can. We are trying to right the wrongs and put things back in balance before Judgement Day arrives. But is seems we are already too late. Have you seen our book?” She held up a book. Terence, without his glasses, could not even make out the bold print on the front cover.
“I’ve seen it before, and read it several times,” he lied.
“That’s good then, you might already be one of us that might be saved. We are willing to leave the newest edition for you to read, and only ask for a small donation to defray the expenses.”
“But I already know the book.”
“Do you really? I don’t think any of us do. This book will answer many of the questions you might have.”
“I mean, I know the ending in the book. The end of the world. Famine, floods, wars, disease, blocked toilets, cold showers, no T.V., no sports’ channel We know it’s just a question of when, isn’t it?”
“It could be anytime soon.”
“We’ve got our emergency kit ready, torches, water, whisky, gin for the wife, toilet paper, canned food, jelly beans, and all that stuff.”
“There will be no protection or escape for non-believers. What about your soul and the exercising of your brain to encompass a wider plain of knowledge?”
“Gee that reminds me, I’d better pack a pen and a book of crosswords. Maybe even a thesaurus.”
“It could happen today you know.”
“Oh Hell, I hope not. Mary would be so upset. You see it’s her bowls club championship today, and she’d really be miffed if she missed that. And what should I tell her friend Mabel? I suppose if it happens in the next few minutes after she arrives, we’d have to take Mabel with us wouldn’t we? I’ll need to get extra supplies for Mabel. Heaven forbid. What do I do about the sleeping arrangements with Mabel. And, I haven’t even had my shower yet.”
“What about the book?”
“Obviously I won’t have time to read it with the world ending so soon. So please excuse me, I’ve got to warn my wife, she’s going to be so upset. It will really ruin her day. Then I must have a shower. Then phone the children. Maybe I should phone them before I shower. It might give them more time to prepare. They’ve all got small children too. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to my grandchildren.”
“But, sir.”
“Please excuse me, I have to go and get ready for the holocaust; there’s just no time to waste.” Terence closed the door.
He began walking to the shower as his wife came through the back door.
“I heard you talking to someone. Was that Mabel? And you, still in your night stuff.”
“No, not Mabel.”
“Who was it?”
“Just some very nice people looking for the right directions, and trying to help me find myself. They thought the bowls might have to be cancelled though.”
Mary screwed up her nose, gave an expression of curiosity as she looked at him, but said nothing.
“No time to waste and Mabel’s not here yet, so you’ll have to scrub my back if you want to be saved. Then, make a potta tea please. Quick, the world might end today. Shower, here I come,” said Terence.
He turned and marched into the bathroom singing, “Glory, glory, Alleluia.”
“I’ve gotta get you to a doctor for a mental check.”