“Duke is old now, and sometimes this happens. Really, unless you’re willing to spend a lot of money on tests and surgeries, I don’t know what else you can do. Because of his age, I don’t even recommend any surgeries. He probably wouldn’t survive it.”
I hold back the tears until I reach home. Once Dad puts Duke on his bed, I request to lie down with him. Dad places me next to Duke, and I hug him tight.
When Mom rushes home from work, she lies down with us as well, right there on the floor. “I’m so sorry, Lily.” Hearing Mom’s shaky voice and seeing her red eyes, I know she’s been crying as well.
The rest of the evening, I refuse to do anything else but stay with Duke. Finally, as the night progresses, Dad carries both of us to my bed.
As I continue to cuddle with Duke all night, I think of all of our happy moments. I wonder if he can sense thoughts because once in a while he kisses my face or my hand.
Duke, you are my everything. I wish you would stay with me. Besides Layna, you’ve been the only one who has understood me. What am I going to do without you?
Duke once again kisses me.
I hope you’re not in any pain. God, please don’t let him hurt. If he’s coming to you, please help him find Layna.
Through the tears, the thought of Layna and Duke being together gives me some sense of peace.
As Duke’s breathing becomes shallower, I can’t seem to stop my sobbing. Mom and Dad must have heard me because they run into my room. They both kneel around the bed, knowing the end is near.
Duke, I love you and always will. Thank you for being my best friend.
Somehow, Duke manages to open his eyes. He looks straight at me and kisses my tears. Just as quickly, his eyes close, and I can barely hear him breathing. Desperately, I try to give him one more message.
Duke, look for Layna. She will be waiting for you. Please tell her I’ll see her soon.
He is gone.
And “soon” doesn’t come soon enough for me.
My depression goes from bad to worse. I continue to attend college, but I stay to myself. My parents can’t help me. The medicines can’t help me. And, my psychiatrist can’t help me.
I have no idea of the purpose of my existence anymore. I question what it is in this world that is still keeping me alive.
If nothing else, at least my parents seem to have picked up the pieces and have found one another again. It gives me a sense of peace to see them happy. I know that Layna would have been ecstatic to see them together like this.
As I watch their interaction during dinner, I wonder about human nature. It has taken Layna’s death for them to realize their love for one another. I sigh. People take so much for granted. If they only realize how lucky they are before it’s too late. I guess losing something so precious has opened my parents’ eyes to what’s been right in front of them all along.
Letting Go
Living Again
Chapter Eight
I’m alive. I’m breathing, eating, using the bathroom, attending the college courses to get my degree, and I’m functioning day by day. Yes, I’m alive. But, am I living?
As I wait anxiously for Dad to pick me up from college, I watch the storm worsening. I can’t help but worry about my dad driving on the slippery roads. Every time it rains or snows, my heart instantly beats faster as my anxiety increases.
Dad is later than usual. Squinting my eyes, I try to see through the large snowflakes. It looks like a blizzard outside. Because it’s the last day before winter break begins, I’ve purposely made the effort to make it to classes, not wanting to miss anything. Watching the storm, I already regret my decision.
Dad always pulls the van right by the curb. Since I wait for him in the cafeteria with large glass windows that face the parking lot, I have a perfect view when he pulls up. Normally, he likes to come into the building to bring me to the van.
From my calculation, he’s running about half an hour late. I suppose I shouldn’t worry. With the bad roads, this is to be expected. I try to take some deep breaths to calm my nerves.
Please let him be okay. Please let him be okay. Please let him be okay.
“Hi, do you need help?”
I swing my head toward the voice and notice hazel eyes staring at me. Instantly, I take in the stranger’s good looks. He appears to be in his mid-twenties with wavy, brown hair, almost down to his shoulders. He seems carefree and even a bit wild, as I notice the disheveled hair and tiny hoops on both ears. As a slight smile plays on his lips, I’m suddenly embarrassed for staring at him. Remembering that he’s still waiting for my answer, I shake my head no. As his intense eyes continue to bore into me, I quickly look away. Why is he here? Nobody talks to me. Ever.
“Are you sure?” he insists.
“I’m fine,” I answer with my device.
“Huh, okay. Well, you don’t mind if I hang out with you for a while, do you? You know, just until your ride gets here.” Without waiting for an answer, he pulls a chair up next to me.
Feeling annoyed, I just want him to leave me alone so I can focus on my dad. I turn my attention to stare out of the window, trying very hard to ignore him.
“Lily, right? Your name is Lily?”
What the hell? How does he know that? Maybe if I continue to disregard him, he’ll think I don’t understand him and leave. I’ve learned this trick through the years, and it always works.
“I’m Chance.” Apparently, the trick doesn’t work with him.
Not turning to acknowledge him, my attention stays on what’s happening outside, praying I would see the headlights of the van soon.
“I’ve seen you around. You know, driving around here. I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while now, but just didn’t have the guts to do it. When I saw you still waiting for your ride, I jumped at the opportunity.” Chance chuckles under his breath.
I am more confused than ever. Why is he talking to me? What does he want? Should I be worried? There’s really nobody else around, except for the people who occasionally walk out of the door. Is this guy some kind of a creep who can hurt me? He doesn’t look like a creep, though. Actually, he’s absolutely gorgeous. He’s tall, muscular build, with hazel eyes surrounded by thick, dark eyelashes, and a smile that can melt one’s heart. But, I don’t dare look his way.
“Are you going to continue ignoring me?” he asks, leaning closer to me.
Wow! He really doesn’t know how to take the hint. Finally, I turn to him and with my device, I say, “What do you want?”
As his smile widens, Chance’s eyes tease me. “I was wondering when I was going to get on your nerves.”
“What do you want?” I repeat.
“Just wanna talk.”
Without responding, I stare out the window again.
“Okay, guess you don’t want to talk. That’s cool. I’m still not leaving until your ride gets here. I don’t really feel like driving in that mess right now anyway.”
I decide that maybe he’s worried about me sitting here by myself. He probably feels sorry for me.
“So what’s your story?” he asks.
I glance toward him, and my heart instantly skips a beat when I notice his arched eyebrows and his lopsided grin.
“What?” I ask, not sure what he means.
“I mean, I’ve been noticing this beautiful girl with long, dark hair and those killer green eyes for a while now. But, I’ve never seen her gorgeous eyes smile. I can’t help but wonder what her story is. You got any ideas?” His voice softens.
Caught off guard, my eyes fill with unshed tears. Damn it! I don’t want to fall apart in front of this complete stranger. I quickly turn my head away, attempting to hide my distress.
“Hey, I’m sorry, Lily. I didn’t mean to upset you. Man, I suck with first impressions.” Chance reaches to touch my hand.
Startled, I snatch mine away.
“Lily, Lily! Sorry I’m so late.” I recognize Dad’s voice. As he rushes toward me, he glares at Chance suspici
ously. Placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder, he asks, “You okay?”
I nod.
“Hello, sir. I was just keeping Lily company until her ride arrived.” Chance stands up and extends his hand.
Shaking his hand, Dad says, “Oh, I see. Thank you. I appreciate that. I’m Bill Cooper, Lily’s father. And you are?”
“Chance. Chance Ryker. I’m taking some classes here.”
“I see. Okay, well, nice to meet you, Chance. We have to head out now. Roads are bad out there so drive carefully.” Dad nods his head at Chance. He turns to me and says, “You ready, Lily? Sorry I didn’t text you, but I didn’t want to do that while I was driving.”
I nod my head and start driving my wheelchair toward the door.
“It was nice talking to you, Lily. Oh, and Merry Christmas,” Chance yells behind me.
Ignoring him, I drive away from this stranger who somehow has gotten under my skin.
When I return to school after the break, thoughts of Chance linger in my mind. No matter how hard I have tried to not think about him, I have failed miserably.
As I drive to my classes, I review my new schedule in my mind. I’m in my second semester of my junior year already, so I’ve become very familiar with this college. So far, I’ve done very well in my classes because I have buried myself in my schoolwork since college started.
My thoughts drift back to Chance. I wonder why he took the time to talk to me that day. The idea of him communicating with me because he felt sorry for me makes me cringe.
I purposefully push him out of my mind. I need to focus on my new schedule since I have three classes back to back today. The good news is that I should be done by twelve, so I’ll be home all afternoon. I plan on using that time to become familiar with the new material from my classes.
After finishing the first two classes, I release a sigh of relief. The teachers are nice, and although I notice some curious looks thrown at me, it’s nothing unusual for me. Just one more class to go and my day will be done. It should be fairly easy since it’s the Ethics class.
I arrive before class starts. This is my normal practice since I like to get there before other students and find an inconspicuous spot in the corner. This one is mostly a lecture, so it’s held in the auditorium.
Realizing that I am the first one there, I quickly position myself in the far corner of the room, away from the door. Now, most people shouldn’t notice me unless they’re seated by me. I prepare my communication device to record the lecture. This particular feature on the device has been a lifesaver for me.
Soon, the class fills and the professor enters.
“Good morning, class. I’m Professor Locklear. This is a fast-moving class so be ready. We will mostly have lectures in here. However, there will occasionally be some discussions. I have a Teacher’s Assistant, who will be helping me out during these discussions. Please welcome Chance Ryker.”
My head flings up at the mention of his name. To my utter shock, Chance’s tall, lean frame walks in, and he takes his place in the front while Professor Locklear begins his lecture.
What the hell! I nearly choke on my saliva. Not wanting to start coughing, I swallow hard and try to calm down. He teaches here? I thought he said he was taking classes at this college. Confused, I try to sink further into my wheelchair. I don’t want him to notice me.
As my nervousness increases, so does my inability to control my muscles. I have to use all of my energy to calm my muscles down. I try to focus on what the professor is saying, but it’s useless. All I see is Chance from my peripheral vision.
Instead of paying attention to the lecture, I weigh my options on how I can leave undetected. My best bet may be to try to leave in the middle of the crowd. Normally, I wait until the entire class leaves before exiting. This time, though, I’m going to just speed out of here as soon as I can when everybody else exits. Hopefully, I can hide among the rest of the students.
Unfortunately, I know that if he doesn’t notice me today, he will on another day. Why wouldn’t he? After all, I’m the only person in here in a wheelchair who can’t talk on my own.
With my heartbeat completely out of control, I decide that my best option is to drop this class. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll just take it next year.
What the hell is wrong with me? I’m going to allow some guy I don’t even know chase me out of this class? He probably doesn’t even remember me. Trying to understand why I’m acting so irrationally, I close my eyes and count to ten.
I finally figure it out. I don’t like the way he makes me feel. He is a complete stranger, and yet, he has been on my mind day and night since I’ve met him. Okay, I need to get a grip here. I need the rational Lily back.
As soon as the class is over, I drive my wheelchair right in the middle of the crowd and race out of there. I don’t dare look anywhere but my driving path. Hopefully, he doesn’t notice me. I must have been holding my breath because as soon as I’m down the hall, I release a long sigh of relief.
Just when I think that I’m home free, I hear the familiar voice behind me—the voice that has haunted my dreams at night for the last couple of weeks.
“Lily, wait up!”
Damn, damn, damn! I keep driving, hoping he’ll think I didn’t hear him. My efforts are to no avail, though, because he soon catches up with me.
“Hey, Lily!” he exclaims as he keeps his pace with my wheelchair. “It’s Chance. We met right before the break. I wasn’t sure if you remembered me.”
What? Who the hell would forget such a beautiful man? I barely acknowledge him and keep driving my wheelchair.
“Well, the way you’re ignoring me, I guess you do remember me. I want to talk to you for a minute. Where are you going right now? Do you have a break?” Apparently, Chance doesn’t give up easily.
I’m done with my day, so I continue driving toward the cafeteria. Dad should be picking me up from there during his lunch break. Chance must really want to say something because he follows me to the cafeteria. Once I find my place in my usual spot, he pulls the chair next to me.
I sigh. Okay, I can continue to ignore him or just find out what he wants. He obviously is not planning on leaving anytime soon.
“What do you want?” I ask with my device.
“Just wanna catch up. How was your Christmas?”
How was my Christmas? It sucked! Every holiday has sucked since Layna’s death. I purposefully don’t answer him.
“Okay, fine, we don’t want to small talk. I’ll be straight up with you. I want to get to know you better, Lily. You seem like a cool girl and well…maybe we can try to be friends?”
I finally face him. Still suspicious, I use my device. “Why?”
“Why not?” Chance raises one eyebrow as a tiny smirk plays at the corner of his mouth.
I sigh. This is useless. “You’re a teacher here, not a student. Why did you say you were a student?”
“I am taking classes here. I’m also a teacher’s assistant for a couple of the classes. I only attend school part time here. Actually, I work full time as a nurse, but want to get more classes under my belt before applying to medical schools. So, that’s what I’m doing here.”
He’s a nurse? And he wants to be a physician. Well, now it all makes sense. No wonder he’s drawn to me. He probably sees me as one of his patients.
“Look, don’t treat me like one of your patients, okay?” I blurt out. Luckily, I’ve gotten pretty fast at using my communication device, so there’s not too much of a delay when I respond.
At first his eyes widen in surprise. Then, he laughs—an outright, full-blown laughter. He must have laughed for full fifteen seconds. This may not seem long, but as I sit there staring at him in disbelief, those fifteen seconds seem like an eternity.
When he finally is able to contain himself, he says, “Trust me, Lily. I definitely do not see you as one of my patients since I work in a nursing home, and the average age is over eighty.”
“Do you have
a hero complex or something?”
Chance laughs again. “What? Isn’t that like somebody who deliberately does bad things like setting fires and then tries to act like the hero?”
I roll my eyes.
“Do I need to have a specific reason to talk to a pretty girl?” he asks.
I narrow my eyes at him, still suspicious of his intent. “Are you trying to flirt?”
“I’m not trying to flirt. I am flirting.” Chance throws me his lopsided grin.
“You’re my teacher. Teachers are not supposed to flirt with their students. Aren’t there rules against that?” In those short moments, he has put me at ease, and my feisty personality surfaces.
“Well, technically I’m not your teacher. I’m just a teacher’s assistant. I’m sure that’s different.”
“You’re sure, huh?”
“Yep, pretty sure. Are you done for the day?”
“Yes. My dad will be here soon to get me.”
“I see. I’m back again on Wednesday for that class. Can we meet after class? Maybe we can do lunch together.”
Lunch? Does he not realize I can’t feed myself? I quickly look away.
Immediately sensing his mistake, Chance says, “Err, okay, I screwed that one up. We can just talk after class here until your ride comes. I don’t mind that.”
“Why? What do you want to talk about?”
“We’re back to the same question again? I told you, you’ve caught my attention. To be honest, I’ve been watching you for a while now. I think they call people like me stalkers. Don’t say I never warned you.”
That makes me laugh.
“Finally! You need to do that more often,” Chance says, his hazel eyes turning darker.
I look at him in confusion.
“Laugh. I love hearing you laugh. Remember to laugh more.”