Sometimes I think much faster than I write, therefore … Hey, is therefore one word or two? I think it should be two even if it’s one word because it is actually two words joined together—it’s certainly long enough to be counted as two words. Anyway, sometimes I’ve misspelled words because I can’t write as fast as I think, and I have worried that my publisher will think I am stupid—although spelling should not represent the level of intelligence of a human being.
I prefer to use the term human being not because it is two words, but because I like it better than person—that is just my personal taste. I do use the word person as well, but I just sometimes prefer human being. What does that mean, anyway? I understand saying he is a human—but a human being? I also enjoy using the words homo sapiens, from time to time. It’s funny how many words there are for people (see, there’s another one right there). People is a term or word used for more than one person. But still we say. There were a whole bunch of people.” Why? You know what I’m saying: if people is already plural, why do we need to say a whole bunch? I’m not saying you, the reader, do that. But surely some people do. I know I have used the phrase before many times.
I just glanced out the window—what a beautiful day it is today. It’s so clear I can see the mountains. I live in the Hollywood Hills, and sometimes Los Angeles is so smoggy that I can’t see the mountains. But today it’s so clear I can see them.
I’m sitting at my desk with my computer next to me—almost mocking me. I do have a computer to store all of my writing on disk. I just type so slowly that I can’t write this book on it. I rarely sit at my desk and write. I have written most of this book on airplanes, in hotel rooms, in coffeehouses, in bed, in the kitchen—everywhere but at my desk. Sitting at a desk reminds me too much of school. I hated school. I’m so glad to be out. But when I look back on it, I wish I had paid attention more, studied, learned a lot more. So if you’re reading this and you’re still in school, don’t do what I did. You go ahead and enjoy this time in your life; it only happens once. Knowledge is power and you need power in this world. You need as many advantages as you can get.
There are two little birds outside my window—I’m not sure what kind they are—and to be perfectly honest (and I have been all throughout my book, so why stop now), I don’t really care. I believe them to be blue jays—they are “talking” to each other. One will skwawk or squawk or however you spell it, then his pal will respond. It’s quite obnoxious and makes it hard for me to concentrate on my poignant writing.
I do wonder what the commotion is all about. What on earth could they be arguing about? Is it possible that they are lovers and in a lovers’ quarrel? Did one bird flirt with another bird and the other bird found out? I’m sure that must happen—don’t you think so? If you care to respond send all letters to Bantam. Because if it weren’t for this 60,000-word clause, I would have been finished and I would not have gone this far and I wouldn’t have been sitting here being disturbed by these loud birds. So, it’s all their fault, really.
Well, I think I am just about to reach my quota, so thank you for hanging in there with me. (If some of you stopped on the last chapter, it’s okay because that is really where my book ended—this is just for the lawyers.) But if people stopped reading it—then who am I writing to? No one will ever know that I am telling them it’s okay to have stopped there.
I am sitting here writing to myself and to the lawyers. Maybe I should say something to them because I know they are reading. “Hello, lawyers. How are you?” Hey, maybe they aren’t reading, they’re just counting the words. In that case, I don’t even have to form sentences. I can make up total nonsense. Nothing has to mean anything; I can just look around and write down everything I’m looking at or thinking about and no one will ever know. Fireplace, firewood, candles, pictures, lamp, vase, tulips, clock, television, rug, bed, computer, printer, dog, telephone, monitor, books, globe, chair, hats, shoes.
THE END
Phew!
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Acknowledgments
A Note from the Author
Thanks for No Memory
A Letter to My Friend or A Frog in a Sombrero Does Not a Party Make
Daily Affirmations or A Cup of Pudding a Day Is the Way to Stay O.K .
Ellen DeGeneres: Road Warrior or Sometimes You Need a Map , Sometimes You Need a Globe , Sometimes You Need a Map and a Globe — but Not Very Often
The Plane Truth or Dem Ain’t Goobers, Dem’s Peanuts!
Ellen’s New Hobby
Ellenvision
I Went to a Psychic or Baloney Is Just Salami with an Inferiority Complex
How to Explain Sex to a Child or Where There’s a Corn Chip , There’s Bound to Be Hot Sauce
In the Kitchen with Ellen or As Tasty as Poison and Just as Deadlye
Things That Sound Like a Good Idea at First, but Really Aren’t
Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man! or Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man!
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
The Scariest Thing
The Time Ellen DeGeneres Had an Emergency!
One Step Closer to God or One Step Back , You Do the Hokey-Pokey and You Turn Yourself Around
The Ellie-Gellie
Things to Do If You’re Stuck in an Elevator to Help You Pass the Time
Ellen’s Wild Kingdom or You Can Put High Heels on a Poodle, but That Won’t Make It a Hooker
Ask Ellen or It Might Look Like Honey, It Might Taste Like Honey, and Bless My Corns, It Might Even Be Honey
Crazy Superstitions That Really Work!
The Benefits of Being a Celebrity by Ellen DeGeneres, Big Enormous Star
Your Own Fantasy Conversation with Ellen DeGeneres
Experiments in Human Behavior
Ellen’s Sure-Fire Cures for the Things That Ail Ye
The Last Chapter
Ellen DeGeneres, My Point... And I Do Have One
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