He made a sarcastic noise. “And you are one tough Yank. I thought I was going to have to pick you up and throw you in my car that night.”
“It’s fortunate you didn’t or this nice shag we’ve just enjoyed? Never would’ve happened.” I shook my head slowly with a smile.
He tickled me at the ribs and made me squeal. “So it was just a nice shag for you, huh?”
“Ethan!” I batted his hands away and scrambled to the edge of the bed.
He dragged me back and pinned me beneath him, a huge grin on his face. “Brynne,” he drawled.
And then he kissed me. Just slow and soft and gentle, but it felt intimate and special. Ethan settled me against his side and adjusted our bodies under the sheets, his heavy arm draped over and securing me. I felt myself grow sleepy in the warm bed with him. I knew it was a bad idea. Rules are rules and I was breaking them.
“I shouldn’t stay the night, Ethan; I really need to go…”
“No, no, no, I want you here with me,” he insisted, speaking into my hair.
“But I shouldn’t—”
“Shhhhhhh,” he interrupted me like he had many times before and kissed my words away. He stroked over my head, trailing his fingers through my hair. I couldn’t fight him. Not after tonight. The security felt too wonderful, my body too drained from all the orgasms, his hard strength too comfortable for me to battle him on the issue. So I slept.
…The terrors are real. They come in the night when I sleep. I try to fight them but they nearly always win. Everything is dark because my eyes are closed. But I hear the sounds. Cruel words about someone, disgusting words and names. And terrifying laughter… They think it’s funny to degrade this person. My body feels heavy and weak. Still I hear them laughing and replaying all of the evil they have done…
I woke up screaming and alone in Ethan’s bed. I figured out where I was when he came crashing into the bedroom, eyeballs wide. I started crying the minute I saw him. The sobs just got louder when he sat on the bed and grabbed me.
“It’s okay—I’ve got you.” He rocked me against his chest. Ethan was dressed and I was still naked. “You just had a bad dream, that’s all.”
“Where did you go?” I managed to ask in between gasps.
“I was just in my office—these fucking Olympics—I work at night lately...” He pressed his lips to my head. “I was right here the whole time until you fell asleep.”
“You should have taken me home! I told you I wouldn’t stay the night!” I struggled to get out of his arms.
“Christ, Brynne, what is the problem? It’s two a.m. in the bloody morning. You are exhausted. Can’t you just—why won’t you sleep here?”
“I don’t want it. It’s too much! I can’t do it, Ethan!” I pushed against his chest.
“Jesus Christ! You let me bring you to my house and fuck you wildly but you won’t sleep in my bed for a few hours?” He brought his face down to mine. “Talk. Why are you scared here with me?”
He looked hurt and sounded more than a little offended. And I felt like a cruel bitch on top of being an emotional, fucked-up mess. He also looked beautiful in his faded jeans and soft grey t-shirt. His hair was all mussed and he needed a shave around his goatee, but he looked as devastatingly gorgeous as usual, even more so because I was seeing the intimate Ethan, the one he did not show in public.
I started crying again and telling him I was sorry. I really meant it too. I was sorry that parts of me were damaged and broken but it didn’t change the facts either.
“I’m not scared with you. It’s so complicated, Ethan. I’m—I am sorry!” I scrubbed at my face.
“Shhhhhhh…there’s nothing to be sorry for. You just had a bad dream.” Ethan reached for a box of tissue beside the bed and handed it to me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No,” I managed to sputter through three tissues.
“That’s fine, Brynne. When you feel comfortable you can if you want to.” His hand rubbing circles on my back felt wonderful, I just didn’t want to close my eyes again in case I fell back to sleep. He pulled me down on the mattress with him. “Let me hold you for a while?”
I nodded.
“I’ll be right here until you fall asleep and if you wake and you don’t see me, I’m just across the main room in my office. The light will be on. I would never leave you alone in my house. You’re totally safe here with me. Security guy, remember?”
I grabbed more tissues and blew my nose; utterly wreaked and mortified at the situation. I did my best to bluff my way out of it though, and I knew what I was going to do. I gave a soft laugh at his joke and let him tuck me back into his bed. I faced his chest and breathed in the scent I absolutely loved and tried to remember how beautiful it was. I focused on the feel of Ethan holding me safe, and the warmth of his big body. I tried to capture it all in my head, because I would not get this experience again.
I pretended to fall sleep.
I evened my breathing and faked it. And after a while I felt him slide off the bed and slip out of the room. I even heard the sound of his bare feet padding across the wooden floor. I watched the clock and gave it another five minutes before I got up.
I walked out into Ethan’s living room buck-ass naked and scooped up my clothes. I removed his deep purple tie from the pile and smoothed it before draping it over the arm of his sofa, folded in half. I wished I could take it with me as a remembrance.
I got myself dressed quickly in front of the huge glass window and held my shoes in my hand rather than put them on my feet. I picked up my duffel and headed for the door. I could feel his semen wet between my legs, draining out, and the thought made me want to weep. Everything felt wrong now. I had ruined it.
Once I was out the front door, I ran for the elevator and pushed the call button. I shoved my shoes on my feet and dug around in my bag for a brush. I dragged that brush through my I’ve-just-been-fucking hair in brutal sweeps. The poor tangled mess didn’t stand a chance but it was better than nothing. The lift arrived and I hopped on, stowing my brush and checking my wallet for cab fare as I descended.
When I emerged into the lobby the doorman greeted me. “May I assist you, madam?”
“Err…yes, Claude? I need to get home. Can you help me hire a cab?” I sounded desperate even to my ears. No telling what Claude might be thinking.
He did not show the slightest reaction though as he picked up a phone. “Ahhh, there we have one coming in now.” Setting down the phone, Claude came around from behind his desk and held the lobby door open for me. He helped me to the cab and shut me in. I thanked him, gave the driver my address and looked out the window.
The view into the elegant lobby was clear at night so I could see when Ethan burst out of the elevators and spoke to Claude. He ran outside but my cab was already in motion. He threw up his arms in frustration and rolled his head back. I could see his feet were still bare. I could see the look of confusion and utter despair on his face when our eyes met—me inside the car and him on the street. I could see Ethan. And it was probably the last time I ever would.
6
The glorious smell of coffee woke me up. I looked at my alarm clock and knew there would be no Waterloo Bridge run this morning. I came out to the kitchen with my arm over my eyes.
“Just how you like it, Bree, sweet and creamy.” My sometime roommate and dear friend Gabrielle slid the mug in my direction, the expression on her face clearly readable. Start spilling the dish, sister, and I won’t hurt you.
I love Gaby but this thing with Ethan had so derailed me I just wanted to bury the knowledge of its existence and pretend he’d never happened.
I reached for the steaming mug and inhaled the delicious scent. It reminded me of him for some reason and I felt the bubble of emotion rise up strong. I sat down at the kitchen bar and crowded around my coffee mug like a mother hen protecting her chick. As I lowered onto the stool, the tenderness between my legs just served as another reminder. A reminder of Ethan and his hot body
and model looks and the fabulous sex…and how I’d woken up in his bed hysterical. I gave up the joke of trying to be brave and let the tears come.
It took some time, two cups of coffee, and a move to the couch to get the story out of me. But Gaby is pretty good that way. She’s relentless.
“I silenced your phone two hours ago. That duffel bag was making so much damn noise I wanted to kick it.” Gabrielle stroked my head resting on her shoulder. “You’ve got voicemails and text messages up the wazoo. I think the poor thing was about to blow, so I saved it a cataclysmic death and shut the fucker off.”
“Thank you, Gab. I’m so glad you’re here this morning.” And I meant that. She was like me in a lot of ways. A California native in London, studying conservancy and running from shit back home that haunted her. The only difference was that her father actually lived in London so she was not totally on her own here in the UK. We’d found each other during that first week of classes nearly four years ago and never really let go. She knew my dark secrets and I knew hers.
“Me too.” She patted me on the knee. “And you’re going to make an appointment with Dr. Roswell, and make plans to go clubbing with Benny and me, and a stop into Charbonnel et Walker so we can gorge ourselves on sinfully rich chocolate.” She tilted her head. “Sound good to you?”
“It sounds divine.” I forced a smile and tried to pull myself together.
“And maybe you should give this guy a chance, Bree. He’s good in the sack and he wants you bad.”
I turned my fake smile into an authentic frown. “You’ve been gossiping with Ben.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “Or at least call him back.” Gaby lowered her voice to a whisper. “He doesn’t know anything about your past...”
“I know.” And Gaby was right. Ethan didn’t know about me.
Gaby rubbed my arm.
“I wasn’t really mad or offended by him last night. I just had to get out of there. I woke up screaming in his bed and I—”
The urge to cry right now was just as strong as before. I tried to force the impulse down.
“But it sounds like he wanted to comfort you. He wasn’t trying to push you away, Bree.”
“But you should have seen his face when he burst into his bedroom with me howling like a lunatic. The way he looked at me…” I rubbed my temples. “He’s just so intense. I can’t explain him properly to you, Gab. Ethan is like nothing I have ever encountered and I don’t know if I could survive him. If last night is any indication then I sincerely doubt it.”
Gaby looked at me, her beautiful green eyes smiling with confidence. “You are much stronger than you think you are. I know this.” She nodded firmly. “You are going to go get ready for work and then after a productive day in service to the great masterworks of the University of London, you’re coming home to get ready for our night of decadent pleasures. Benny’s already on board.” She poked me in the shoulder with her finger. “Now move it, sister.”
“I knew it. Ben outted me the instant he could.” I smiled at her, the first genuine one I’d felt in twelve hours and heaved my ass off the sofa. “I’m on it, Gab,” I said, rubbing where she’d poked me, “I surrender.”
~*~
I’d been at work for a few hours when Rory came through the back with a vase of the most gorgeous deep purple dahlias I had ever seen. He marched up to me with a beaming smile on his face. “A delivery for you, Miss Brynne. You have an admirer it seems.”
Oh shit! I did a double take. The bow on the vase was not really a bow. It was his silk purple tie from last night. Ethan had given his tie to me after all.
“Thank you for delivering them back here to me, Rory. They are gorgeous.” My hand shook as I reached for the card on the plastic holder. I dropped it twice before I was able to read what he’d written.
Brynne, Last night was a gift.
Please forgive me for not
hearing what you were trying
to tell me. I am so sorry.
Yours,
E
I read his note a few dozen times and wondered what to do.
How did he manage to confuse me so readily? One moment I felt sure I needed to flee Ethan and the next I wanted to be with him again. I looked at my purple flowers once more and knew I most definitely needed to acknowledge his gift and that handwritten apology though. To ignore it would be cruel.
Text or call? That was a hard decision. Part of me wanted to hear Ethan’s voice, and another part was scared to hear mine when I tried to answer his questions. In the end, I went with a text and felt like a total wimp. I had to power up my phone first and the barrage of missed calls and message alerts that flashed when it turned on made me ill without even listening or reading. It was too much for me at the moment so I ignored everything and fired up a blank text screen.
Brynne Bennett: Ethan, the flowers r beautiful. Ty. I ♥ purple. –Brynne
As soon as I pressed send I contemplated turning my phone off but of course I didn’t. Curiosity killed the cat or in my case made me do stupid things.
I went over to the vase of my flowers instead and removed his tie from the arrangement. I put it up to my nose and inhaled. It had the smell. The sexy Ethan smell I adored. I was never giving this tie back to him. No matter what happened or what did not happen, the tie belonged to me now.
My phone lit up and started buzzing. My first instinct was to turn it off, but I’d known he’d call. And the selfish part of me wanted to hear him again. I put the phone up to my ear.
“Hi.”
“Do you really love purple?” The question made me smile.
“Very much so. The flowers are beautiful and I’m not returning your tie.”
“I fucked up badly didn’t I?” His voice was soft and I could hear a rustling and then a breath exhaled.
“Are you smoking, Ethan?”
“Today more than usual.”
“A vice…you have one.” I traced over the tie spread out on my desktop.
“I have several I am afraid.” There was a moment of quiet and I wondered if he considered me one of his vices, but then he spoke, “I wanted to come to your flat last night. I nearly did.”
“It’s good you didn’t, Ethan. I needed to think and that’s very hard for me to do when you’re close. And it’s not anything you did last night. Not your fault. I—I needed some space after we were…together like that. It’s just—it’s just the reality of me. I am the one that’s fucked up.”
“Don’t say that, Brynne. I know I didn’t listen to you last night. You told me what you needed and I ignored you. I pushed too hard, too fast. I broke your trust and that’s what I regret the most. I’m deeply sorry—you have no idea how much. And if it ruins my chances of being with you then I deserve it.”
“No you don’t.” My voice was just a whisper and there was so much I wanted to say but did not have the expressible words to phrase it. “You don’t want to be with me, Ethan.”
“I know I do, beautiful Brynne.” I could hear him exhaling from his cigarette. “And now the only question is will you? Will you be with me again, Brynne Bennett?”
I couldn’t help it. His words made me tear up. My only saving grace was Ethan couldn’t actually see me crying through the phone but I was pretty sure he could hear me.
“And now I’ve made you cry. Is that good or bad, baby? Tell me please, because I don’t know.” The yearning in his voice broke my resistance down.
“It’s good...” I laughed awkwardly. “And I don’t know when. I have plans tonight with Benny and Gaby.”
“I understand,” he said.
Was I agreeing to see him again? We both knew the answer to his question. The thing is Ethan drew me in. From the first night since we’d met he’d held me captivated. Yes we had moved fast into sex. Yes he had pushed me a little, but it had brought me to a place that felt wonderful when I could forget about my past. Ethan made me feel very, very safe in a way that surprised me and
forced me to consider the reasons for it. I didn’t have a ton of faith that we might work out, but it sure as hell would be an affair to remember.
“Can we take it slow, Ethan Blackstone?”
“I’m taking that as a yes. And of course we can.” I heard the soft brush of an exhale again. A pause as if he was gathering his courage. “Brynne?”
“Yes?”
“I am smiling so wide right now.”
“I am too, Ethan.”
7
The club scene in London is pretty damn awesome. We didn’t do it often but a good club crawl was just what I needed. My poor psyche was on maximum overload in a conflict of emotions, fears, and guilt. I needed to dance and drink and laugh but most of all I needed to forget about all the shit. Life was too short to dwell on the dark parts, or at least that’s what my therapist said. I had an appointment with Dr. Roswell tomorrow at four o’clock and a dinner date with Ethan after. Our first step in the take-it-slow agreement we’d made on the phone. He’d told me he wanted to lay the cards out on the table and I have to admit I liked that. The truth works best for me. I really don’t have anything to hide; it was more being careful about what I wanted to share. And I didn’t know how much I could share with Ethan either. There was no guide map to help me. I had to ride the wave and hope I didn’t crash into the reef and drown.
“Try this. It’s magnificent.” Benny handed me a tall orangey-red drink in a hurricane glass. “They’re calling it an Olympic Flame.”
I took a sip. “Nice.” We both watched Gaby banging it out on the dance floor with some guy who would definitely not get lucky tonight. We’d hit three clubs so far and my feet were starting to put up a protest. My dark purple boots looked great with my one shouldered floral dress, but three clubs in and I was ready for some fluffy socks. “My cowboy boot fetish is coming back to haunt me I think.” I smirked at Benny and lifted a boot.
“You own like ten pairs of them.” He shrugged. “I think they look hot. You know,” Ben said thoughtfully, “nude in boots would make some delicious portraits.” He nodded quickly. “Your body and your boots. Am I right? I want to do it. I can light it very dark and cast the boots in color. You have so many different shades—yellow, pink, green, blue, red. They’ll look brilliant. Just art, nothing overt.” He looked at me. “Will you do it, Bree?”