College
The ‘boys only’ college was uneventful except for the fact that the whole college community was vertically divided in three sects. Two sects belonged to different regional groups, with their never-ending disputes mostly being settled with swords and lathis (bamboo sticks). The third group, which did not have any regional bearings, was the one that suited Justin. Built on a sprawling campus, the college had big playing fields all around. However, the main activity for the students on those playing fields was the training given by the National Cadet Corps known as ‘NCC’. The NCC imparted two training courses for the students—the infantry division and the armored division—and Justin joined the latter. War with China in 1962 and then with Pakistan in 1965 had greatly aroused patriotic feelings in Justin; plus, he always wanted to join the ‘Indian Air Force’ to become a fighter pilot.
Sand dunes on the outskirts surrounded the city of Jaipur in Rajasthan. Many a times, during the summers, the evening sky would suddenly turn red and sandstorms would lash the city.
Justin took college very seriously and did better in his first year than what he had ever accomplished in his entire history in school. Many a times, when there was no class for a long stretch, he would quickly cycle down to the house and sit to study. Everyone in the heptagon family was impressed with the serious attitude Justin had towards his studies because they themselves lacked it completely.
Shelly, who by now had completed her apprenticeship training and had joined the firm as a full-time receptionist, was usually home by the time Justin came back from college. After a busy day, Justin liked to relax a bit, and talking with Shelly was his way of relaxation. They would just talk about the food cooked for the evening or current movies or Shelly would share about her day at work. They would sit down and just enjoy the time they spent together. On one such occasion, Justin noticed Shelly glancing repeatedly in his direction in a way that made him squirm, feel awkward, and in fact, he sort of felt as if he was naked. Being his senior by at least 4 to 5 years, Shelly never had any reservations while talking to or dealing with Justin. In the days to come, this game picked up in momentum. Whenever the two of them were alone, Justin would feel Shelly’s piercing eyes scanning the area of the seams of his pants, so much so that his right hand would repeatedly reach the zipper of his pants to ensure it was fastened properly.
In the beginning, Justin had no illusions because it was customary in India to give every relationship a decent name. If the girl was older, even by a few years, it was customary to call her Didi, and if the boy was older, one was supposed to call him Bhaiya. Anyone much older was patented as Aunty or Uncle. The culture of calling someone boyfriend or girlfriend was simply not prevalent. Every relationship outside the blood relation started this way, and anything outside this periphery of defined kinship that was carried on the sly culminated in an unacceptable alliance with stigma attached to it by the society. In that part of India, during the late sixties, there did not exist any relations termed ‘friends’. At Justin’s age, friends were the people who studied together in the same class and were supposed to be people of same gender; mixing freely with the other gender was not the norm of the day.
The ‘illusion’ ultimately started to dissipate and things slowly started becoming more evident. The gaze was rather obvious; it gave Justin a very strange feeling of excitement. However, he could never gather courage to talk openly with Shelly.
College studies were progressing at a brisk pace and Justin kept up with them as a routine. One evening after a long day at college, Justin returned home and stretched out on the carpet in the living room. On that hot summer evening, everyone else was having the late afternoon siesta. Shelly had just come back from work and went straight into the kitchen to prepare the evening meal for the family. Justin, resting on his side with his right arm supporting his head as a pillow dozed off but his mind was awake, as he could still make out every squeak that emanated from the ceiling fan. With eyes closed, he was still able to perceive the brightness of the hazy sun that permeated the room through the nearby window, when he felt a shadow falling across. Lazily, he opened his eyes to find Shelly standing next to him. They exchanged half-smiles and Shelly sat down on the carpet next to him, too close for comfort. Justin felt adrenaline run through his veins but quickly closed his eyes to clear his mind of any deplorable thoughts.
After a few minutes, he slowly opened his eyes and found Shelly also lying down on the carpet facing him. She was wiping off the perspiration from her face with her chunni.
‘Tired?’ he asked.
‘Yes, it was very hot in the kitchen’, she said, softly dabbing her face all the while.
With the chunni doing the job of a handkerchief and not what it was supposed to do, her chest was left open to the gaze of Justin. He could see her bra clearly outlined through the upper shirt, which had become damp by her sweat. As if that was not enough of a temptation for Justin, Shelly unwittingly propped up herself on her arm, which made her breasts push forward, exposing the well-formed mounds and the deep valley in-between. Small beads of sweat trickled down from the mound into the valley and from there onto the other mound. Justin quickly took his eyes off the sight as if caught stealing, but Shelly, with her eyes closed, was unmindful of it. Sleep was now miles away from his eyes. With her eyes closed, it became difficult for Justin to understand if Shelly had dozed off or was just resting.
Justin had a strong desire to, once again, look at Shelly but … his conscience was pricking him. The tug between desire and conscience was at its peak when Shelly’s hand lightly touched his fingers. Justin slowly opened his eyes and observed that Shelly with her eyes still closed was breathing heavily. Every time she inhaled, her breasts pushed forward a little more, the sight of which increased Justin’s palpitation. He felt a lump in his throat, his whole body started to shiver, and his mind started to conjure up wild images that were not proper for him to entertain. He was scared to do what he should not do, but was tempted to play Adam. At last, against his better judgment and taking care not to disturb Shelly, he very slowly and gently started closing the gap between his fingers and her cleavage. While travelling the distance near her face, his hand could feel the warmth of her breath. He hesitated for a moment, but then gathering courage that he never possessed before, he very slowly kept up the journey of his hand towards the most desirable assets of Shelly.
The moment he cautiously slipped his fingers under her clothes, he felt the heat that had the potential of scorching the lines on the palm of his hand and change his fate forever. Very slowly, he rested the tips of his left hand fingers, on the skin of her breasts, which were moist with the sweat. She stirred slightly and her clothes made way to a deeper glance of appreciation for Justin. Her areola—the brown skin around her nipples—was now partially exposed. While her hot breath was fanning the skin of the back of his hand, the insides of his palm was feeling the heat that radiated from her body. Then, as if by an unknown force, he let his hand slide furthermore and very lightly cupped the moist-warm flesh of her breasts. Without so much as a warning, Shelly opened her eyes and, with her right hand, held Justin by the wrist. ‘Dead’ was the first thought that came to his mind. He had never felt so ashamed in his entire life. The flow of adrenaline was now suddenly replaced by a spasm of fear. Words of apology poured out by themselves, genuinely supplemented by the sorrowful expression that now covered his face. He tried to set his shaky hand free from her gentle grip, but Shelly, looking straight into his eyes, held onto it. Shame coupled with panic had overtaken Justin. Oh man! Is she going to call others to witness the horrendous act committed by him in his lustful innocence?
Lust and innocence do not go together, but that is exactly what happened. Apart from a stolen kiss here and there, followed by an exchange of puppy love notes during his school time, his innocence was never under attack with such deadly mix of lust. He again tried to express his sincere regret, when she shushed him with her finger and patted his head back onto his arm, the makeshift pi
llow. His left hand was still in her grip, of course now outside her clothing. He was still trembling within himself. Whether it was out of excitement of trespassing the unknown territory or fear of treading the wrong path, Justin could not understand! He was all shaken up, but he could not make out the true feelings of Shelly about the whole thing.