The paramedics carried my mother to the ambulance.
They closed the doors.
They drove away.
I had some days off from flight duties. So I decided to shoot down to Naples and see if I could discover something about my grandfather. Mum had thought that he lived there but she wasn't sure.
I can't ask her now. I have to rely on my memory.
So here I am sitting outside in the square drinking a cup of coffee. There's a guy across the way looking at me, and pretending not to. I have come here to try and find my grandfather. And I'm feeling shit.
It's my birthday again today and I'm spending it alone. I'm 19 years old, and I have dreaded my birthdays ever since I was 15. Because that was when I lost my Dad and I still haven't got over the trauma of losing him. Each birthday it all comes back to me. But it is getting better. And now, I'm just getting over the death of Mum. What is it about my birthdays? Is something trying to tell me something?
It was my 15th birthday and I was waiting with Mum for Dad to come home so we could go out and celebrate. She had a good idea where he was and she was getting anxious, as she knew pretty well what to expect. After Dad lost his job he would often come home drunk. He'd be so unpleasant to Mum and tell her how useless she was and then he’d feel bad in the morning.
I threatened to run away from home many times as I couldn't stand all the fights and arguing but I wouldn't leave Mum on her own. Actually I didn't know where I would go anyway. Stay at a friend's? Hardly.
When Dad finally did come home, it was too late to go out and he gave me a sad sort of guilty look and said he was sorry and then Mum had a go at him.
'Honestly, love,' he said, 'I just can’t take it any more.' He went out again, got in the car and ended up wrapping it around a tree and killed himself.
We came back home from the hospital and dragged ourselves inside. It was so quiet, empty and sad.
I went into my room and just lay on my bed. I thought about opening a book, turning on my iPod, my computer. I just wanted to do something to take my mind off it all. What I did was to get up and go to my mother and we lay there hugging one another until our tears sent us to sleep.
Mum never recovered and struggled at her daytime job though she had heaps of support there.
Uncle Vince and Aunt Clara stepped in to offer what help they could. They were the Italian side of my family. They had a son, Giorgio who was a bit older than me and we hung out a bit. He didn't like kids calling him a wog.
The following days were so hard: getting up, going to school, and trying to put on a brave face to my concerned friends. I withdrew into myself for a while until I decided it wasn't going to get me anywhere. Then I went on a life of partying and living it up, forcing myself to get out, to be social. I didn't have any close friends as I wouldn't let anyone get close to me but even so I needed people around me.
Now, just over a month ago Mum had a stroke and died. She couldn't cope after Dad died and found things more and more difficult. She was lonely. She missed him. I had moved out and got my own place leaving her to fend for herself. Was that unkind of me? She encouraged me to do it and didn't want to be a burden on me. ‘I’ll be right, love,’ she said. I wasn't convinced but I kept in close contact and saw her at least once a week.
Then I met Steve. He was into working out and spending time in the gym, and healthy living. We connected and started to live together. It was good at first. He was a caring guy though a bit into himself. But he wanted too much and I couldn't offer that to him. He wanted to care for me, he said. Look, I don’t have a problem with that, but when you begin to feel you're in a gilded cage, showered with gifts, I felt trapped as much as I liked it. Wouldn’t you? I think in some way he wanted to own me, to control me. Though he wouldn’t put it that way and I don’t suppose he was even aware he was doing it. He kept saying he wanted the best for me, to always look after me. Also he talked about having children. Now, that terrified me. I was too young. I wasn’t at all keen to start a family especially after what had happened to me.
Looking back now one good thing did come out of that relationship. I had low self-esteem and not much confidence. Although that is strange as I am a fighter, I always bounce back. This time though something had slipped out of me like the air out of a punctured balloon.
Steve was concerned about me, and suggested I go to evening drama classes. He felt it could be good for me and give me that confidence that I was looking for. I thought, yeah, I would give it a whirl. The classes were once a week and it was a lot of fun doing things with other people and fooling around. At first I dreaded having to perform, to stand up in front of teachers and people reciting some poem or acting out a scene with others. Then at the end of term when they opened their doors, I had to stand in front of the public, agents and the like. But I got over that. I found the experience gave me just what I needed: self-confidence. I wasn't keen to try and go into the movie business like many in my group. Some went on to do well in movies and TV here; and then some of them over in the States. I keep in touch, and salute their performances.
A gay friend of mine, who I'd connected with in the drama classes, recommended I try becoming a flight attendant. 'You'd be good, Carly. You've got the looks, confidence and a caring attitude.' I thought, that's a brilliant idea. Thanks!
With my newfound confidence I applied to Qantas but they weren't hiring at the time. I know this is a bit random but that's often how things come about. Because my Dad's sister was born in Wanganui that gave me the idea to try Air New Zealand. After interviewing me they took me on straightaway and after a few weeks' training I was up and away in the air. It's great. I love it. I have enjoyed flights all over the world - going from the bottom of the world to the top of the world. Whooee!
Thank you Steve for encouraging me to go to those drama classes. I'm now a flight attendant.
We have now broken up but are still good friends and see each other from time to time. Steve found the perfect partner; yes you guessed it, in the gym. And they are powering away!