“I’m fine—”
“Don’t. Just don’t,” I practically snapped. “Give me a little more credit than that. I know when the person I love most in the world is struggling with something. I mean, shit, I used to be the reigning queen of struggling through life. Don’t treat me like I can be appeased with a I’m fine or that I’m happy to play ignorant and accept what you want me to believe. I’m not that person, Jesse. I’m the person who’s willing to walk through hell with you because I know the way. I’m the person who will be with you the whole way until you come out on the other side. Got it?” I hadn’t been expecting that impassioned speech to just pour from me, but apparently I’d been bottling it up. It actually felt like a relief to get it out.
Jesse sighed. “Rowen, I can’t—”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Both,” he admitted with another sigh.
I shook my head. “And who does that sound like? Who does that remind you of? Because it sure as hell reminds me of a certain someone sitting beside you who didn’t want to open up to anybody last summer. Who did everything she could to push people away.” I nudged Jesse and squeezed his hand. “Until another certain someone said too bad, got her to open up, and wouldn’t let her push him away.”
“What are you saying, Rowen? I got a little confused with all of the certain someones.” Jesse managed a small smile.
“I’m saying it’s time for me to repay the favor, buddy. So be prepared.”
Jesse’s arm went around my neck, and he pulled me close. Pressing his lips to my forehead, he kept them there for a few breaths. “I just fell a little more in love with you.”
“That was the whole point.”
We sat like that for a few minutes. Silent and still, content just to be near one another. Then I heard Jesse’s stomach grumble. Actually, I felt it, too.
“Holy . . . Either you swallowed an angry gnome or your stomach is staging a revolt.” I patted his stomach. “When did you eat last?”
“Um . . . six this morning. Maybe seven?”
“Jesse Walker! You need to take better care of yourself. You’re a growing boy, you know.” Grabbing my lunch bag, I upended its contents onto the table. “Here. Eat.” I pulled out my peanut butter sandwich and handed it to him, ready to hold him down and force feed him if necessary.
Then, because life was too short and those kinds of moments were too few, I smashed the sandwich into his mouth like we’d just cut into our wedding cake and I was that bride.
Jesse’s eyes went wide with surprise, but it didn’t take him long to catch up. He was used to those random moments of crazy from me. Grabbing my wrist, Jesse moved it away from his face toward mine.
“No, Jesse. Don’t you dare!” I laughed, trying to dodge the smashed peanut butter sandwich. Just as I was certain I was going to take it in the face, he let go of my wrist. Instead of peanut butter, his lips covered my mouth. Because Jesse Walker was that kind of groom.
Although, since his mouth was covered with peanut butter, I suppose he still got a bit of payback. When Jesse’s mouth left mine, I held out the mangled sandwich. “Eat your dinner, Casanova.”
Jesse laughed, took the sandwich half, and devoured it in two bites. “I guess I was hungrier than I thought.”
“I better save the Cheetos for Mar, just in case she shows up tonight.”
Jesse stopped chewing the carrot he’d just popped in his mouth. His face froze up again.
“What’s up?” I asked, dropping my hand on his forearm. “Bad carrot?”
He gave his head a swift shake, clearing his face a bit. “Something like that.”
“Don’t eat any more of those little bastard carrots then,” I teased, exchanging the baggie of carrots for an apple.
Jesse forced out a laugh, but it was strained. “So . . . Mar? That’s her name?” He paused, looking like he’d just bitten into something sour. “This is the homeless lady who’s been giving you so much self, life, and relationship advice?”
“Hey, she might not have a fancy degree, but you can’t frame a real-life experience certificate. I don’t agree with everything she says, but she makes some valid points.” I’d mentioned Mar to Jesse a few times over the past month. He hadn’t been thrilled that I was hanging with a homeless lady and, even though he’d never outright said it, I knew he was concerned that I was taking her advice to heart. Especially when it came to the relationship advice she was always so eager to shell out.
“Valid points about what? Settling down too young? Not being tied down to anything or anyone? Moving to Tahiti and selling coconut juice from a beachside trailer?” Jesse’s mouth curved up on one side before biting into the apple.
“Okay, every point but that last one was totally whack. Because, really, everyone knows you haven’t lived until you’ve sold overpriced, water-downed coconut juice to wealthy tourists from a sweltering tin-can of a trailer.”
“Everyone knows that,” Jesse said around a bite of apple.
“Mar is mad smart.”
“Have you talked to Mar about us?”
“A little, not too much.” Mar knew I had a boyfriend, but I kept the specifics to myself—I hadn’t even told her his name. But that didn’t keep her from making assumptions about us and doling out words of wisdom based on those assumptions. Jesse nodded, working something out in his head. “What? Tell me.”
Jesse set down the apple and twisted toward me. “I don’t know. It just seems weird that you’re talking about us with a woman you know next to nothing about.”
My eyebrows came together. “Why?”
“Some things you need to keep protected, you know? Some things you don’t share with just anybody. You choose the people in your life you open up to about the sacred things because those are the people truly invested and concerned about your life. Anyone you run into will be eager to give you advice, but are they really taking your best interests into consideration? Or are they simply letting their own experiences and biases mold the advice they give you?”
I let all of that digest before replying. “Shouldn’t they? I mean, aren’t we all shaped by our experiences and biases?”
“Yes, of course, and someone who truly knows and loves you will give you advice, but it will be after taking you into consideration, not themselves.”
Well, crap. That made a whole lot of sense. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you’ve given this so much thought.”
“I give everything a whole lot of thought. Especially when it’s related to you and me.”
“I’m such an under-thinking slacker,” I muttered, tearing a corner off one of Jesse’s maple bars. The non-bacon corner.
“No, you’re not. I’m just a paranoid over-thinker.”
“Maybe just a little.” I pinched the air in front of him, making him laugh.
“Come here.” He kissed me softly, barely a peck, but it felt so damn good. “Just be careful who you open up to. That’s all I’m saying. In fact, that’s what I should have just said instead of giving you a five-minute presentation.”
“Wait, are you now telling me to not open up so much? Is this the same guy who, not even a year ago, was hounding me for two months straight about opening up and letting people in?”
Jesse gave me a Give me a break look. “I’m saying there are extremes on either end of the opening up spectrum. Being at the so-open-your-brains-are-going-to-fall-out spot is just as unhealthy as opening up for no one, not even yourself.”
I pulled another piece of maple bar and popped it into my mouth, giving Jesse’s words some thought. I saw his point—I always did—but I couldn’t get completely on board with it. I talked about Jesse with friends and acquaintances because he played such an important role in my life. What could I do if those people took it upon themselves to offer their two cents worth? Stuff a sock in their mouths? Clamp my hands over my ears and walk away? No. People liked to give advice; that was human nature. As the saying went, Opinions are like assholes; everyone’s got
one. So what if someone offered me some misguided advice? I didn’t have to listen and let it affect my relationship with Jesse.
I hadn’t been doing that . . .
Or had I?
Everything became a bit blurred the longer I thought about it, so I decided to shelve it and come back to it later. Too much thinking, not enough kissing.
“It seems I’m destined to be unhealthy no matter what I do. I think I need help,” I teased, though only partly so. Everyone needed a little, or in my case, a lot, of help to get through life.
“That’s what I’m here for. I’m here to help you when and if you need it.”
I twisted in the booth to make sure I was looking at him straight on. “You know that goes both ways right? I’m here to help you when and if you need it. And maybe even if you won’t admit you need help, I’ll do it anyways because I’m all pushy like that.” My words made Jesse’s forehead wrinkle, as I’d expected they would. I should have just leaned in and kissed him. Kissed the living breath out of him. Kissed him until he forgot who he was and where he was.
I should have, but the moment passed us by when the door jingled open again.
“That would have been one hell of a kiss,” Jesse said, his eyes dropping to my mouth.
“Probably the kiss to end all kisses.” I played along. “Eat your bacon maple bars and I’ll go help the customers, and then maybe we can pick up right where we almost left off.” I winked as I slid out of the booth.
Jesse groaned in torture.
I laughed and glanced at the customer heading toward us. “Hey, you’re early.”
“I’d say I’m too late,” Mar replied, inspecting the empty baggies on the table. From the looks of it, she’d had a shower. Well, and from the smell of it, too. A woman’s shelter nearby opened up once a week to offer showers, lunch, and an activity to the homeless in the city. I’d looked it up and told Mar about it, and she’d been going for the past few weeks. I think the weekly showers were the only reason Sid allowed her in the shop.
“Don’t worry. We saved you some. And this is great timing because I really wanted you to meet someone.”
“Who? The boy I’ve been warning you against settling down with? Sure, I’ll meet him. I’ll tell him to get lost unless he wants to see your future ruined.”
My mouth opened in shock. Mar had said some odd things in my weeks of knowing her, but never anything quite so cruel. Jesse, who was back to working on the apple, went rail stiff in the booth. Obviously her words had shocked him as much as they had me.
“Um . . . maybe you should leave, Mar?” I didn’t want to manhandle her out, but I would if she didn’t leave.
“No. Why doesn’t he?”
I glanced at Jesse, who was slowly twisting in his seat. When his eyes locked on Mar, his entire face fell and went ash white. His hands curled into fists and it looked like he’d stopped breathing. He didn’t just look like he was staring at a ghost . . . he looked like he was staring at the devil.
“What’s the matter with you, boy? Dumb as you look? Or do you know that I’m right and you’re going to do nothing but drag this girl down with you?”
“Mar. Leave.” I motioned toward the door, keeping one eye on Jesse.
He was still frozen, but he blinked a couple of times like he was trying to clear his vision. When he stopped blinking and saw that Mar was still hovering in front of him, he shoved out of the seat so fast he was a blur. His eyes dropped from Mar as he lunged away from her, keeping as much distance as he could. He headed for the door.
“Jesse!” I called, but it was like he couldn’t hear me. It was like I wasn’t even there. He was in another world, and even I couldn’t get through to him. “Jesse, stop!” He shoved through the door and broke into a run the instant he was outside.
“Jesse? Is that his name?”
I nodded automatically, biting my lip. Tears were already welling. I had no idea what had happened or how to make it right.
Mar huffed. “Small world. I had a son named Jesse. He was just as worthless as your Jesse, so I suppose we’ve got something in common.”
My breath caught at the same time my legs wobbled. Something hit me with such force, I almost fell to my knees. Something, so intense I had to wrap my arms around my stomach, told me why Jesse had just behaved the way he had.
“Mar? How old is your son?” I bit the inside of my cheek and focused on the spot where Jesse had just been because I couldn’t look at her.
“Hell if I know. I got rid of him years ago,” she snapped.
Bile rose up my throat. I felt the chunks of maple bar begging to come out. I had to grip the edge of the table to keep from going down. Oh my god. What had I done? “How old was he when you . . . when you . . .”—I couldn’t make myself repeat her words—“ . . . saw him last?”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Mar’s head start to bob. “Five years old.”
That was when I lost it. My dinner, the tears I’d been holding back, my composure, my strength. I lost it all right there on the floor of Mojo Doughnuts.
I’D KNOWN DARKNESS in my life. That though, that was something else completely.
After Sid peeled me off the floor at Mojo, he had to hold me back. As soon as I saw Mar’s face, my strength surged into my muscles ten times over. I suppose it was a good thing Sid held me back. If I had gotten my hands on Mar, I don’t know if I would have been able to stop. I didn’t know the finer details of the abuse Jesse underwent as a young boy, but I knew enough to know that people who’d done those things to him should be serving life sentences or rotting away in an unmarked grave. My fists wanted to deal out a sentence right then, but after shrieking that I’d been possessed by the dark man—or some crazy other shit—Mar scurried out of Mojo.
I knew she didn’t have a clue why I’d transformed into a wild person wanting to wrap my fingers around her neck. She didn’t know the young man she’d insulted was the baby she’d given birth to twenty years ago. I knew that when she’d looked into his eyes, the same flicker of recognition that flashed in Jesse’s wasn’t in hers. She hadn’t even known the flesh and blood she’d abused was right in front of her. That right there, that she’d already forgotten the face of the person who’d never be able to forget her face, sent me over the edge. That was when Sid almost lost his hold on me.
Once Mar was gone, I calmed down, although not a lot. After telling Sid an emergency had come up and I needed to cut out early, I grabbed my purse and phone and called Jesse. I must have called him close to a hundred times with no answer. As soon as his voice mail picked up, I hit redial. I did that the entire bike ride back to my apartment. I knew it was unlikely he’d be there, but at least I could ditch my bike and borrow Alex’s El Camino for my search.
I tried to keep my mind focused on the ride, avoiding potholes, and getting a hold of Jesse, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Mar. I couldn’t comprehend how the minuscule chance of running into my boyfriend’s abusive birth mother—who, by the way, was a homeless lunatic—had worked its way into my life. I tried to steer clear of those thoughts, but I couldn’t help feeling like wherever I went, bad shit followed. How else could I explain what had happened?
A coincidence?
A small world?
Not even. It had happened because the nasty things of the universe were attracted to me. Even though my views on myself might have changed, that didn’t mean what followed me had. I’d brought that on Jesse because I was . . . cursed. I brought it on him because I’d let someone I knew nothing about into my life, and I’d given her a front row seat to the intimate, special pieces of it. I’d opened up too much and, like Jesse had said, it was just as unhealthy as the other way around. But my error hadn’t hurt me the way it had hurt him. I felt like a mini wrecking ball was going to work on my insides—one bone at a time, one organ right after the other—but I knew after witnessing the look on Jesse’s face, my pain was nothing compared to his.
I’d been crushed. He’d been ruined.
>
As I pedaled into my apartment complex, I tried to push all thought from my mind. All the regret, the what-ifs, and what-nows. I needed to focus on finding Jesse. That was all that mattered. Finding him and offering him whatever comfort he’d accept from me at that point. I didn’t bother to lock up my bike. I just rushed to the door, fumbling around for my keys.
The door swung open before I could get my key in the lock. Alex pulled me inside, looking frantic. “Oh, god, Rowen. I was just getting ready to call you. Shit, I don’t know what’s wrong. I just got home a few minutes ago. The front door was open, so I thought maybe someone had broken in.” My heart was in my throat as Alex and I rushed through the apartment. “I was checking all the rooms, all the closets . . . and that’s when I found him.”
“Is he still here? Where’s Jesse?”
Alex’s head bobbed as she pointed down the hallway. “In your room. Something’s wrong, Rowen. He isn’t saying anything. I don’t think he even knew I was in front of him when I found him. I was about to call 911.”
“I got this, Alex. Thank you.” I gave her a quick side hug before running down the hallway.
“What’s wrong, Rowen? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain later,” I said because, even if I knew how to fully explain it all right then, which I didn’t, there wasn’t time. I needed to get to Jesse. I needed to know if the damage I’d unwillingly inflicted could ever be undone.
I paused just long enough outside my bedroom door to suck in a deep breath. I knew I would need it, and I didn’t know when I’d be able to breathe deeply again. Stepping inside, I didn’t need to scan the room to find him. My eyes found him like they were trained to find nothing else. What I saw made me wish I’d never been born with the gift of sight. I would swear that going through life blind would be better than having to live with that image of Jesse.
He was pressed into the back corner of my room, his back fitted tightly into it. His head was curled into his bent knees, and his arms were limp at his sides. He wasn’t moving. The only sign of life was the infinitesimal rising and falling of his back.