“I know. But look at us now. You’ve moved on from your past, and I’m drowning in mine. And Rowen, mine’s the kind that will take us both down if we let it.”
“I’m stronger than you think I am.” She crossed her arms and stepped toward me.
“And I’m weaker than you think I am.” I stepped back. “All of this has proven that. Don’t be blind to what’s happening. Don’t pretend like you can or even want to handle the shit I’m going through.”
These words, more than any of the others, appeared to really piss her off. Her eyes narrowed. “I can’t fix you. But I’ll be here for you while you fix yourself. And I can handle it. I can handle all of it.”
What more could I say so she got it? I was toxic. I would infect her if she didn’t get out. “You can handle knowing that that woman was so convinced I was possessed by a demon that she used to beat me with a wooden cross until I passed out? You can handle knowing I used to pull three-inch slivers out of myself for days afterward? You can handle knowing that I had one special trinket I guarded so territorially that when one of them came within a few feet of it, I charged them, bit at them, behaved like a wild dog so I could keep my one special thing secret? You can handle knowing that I’d gone without food and water for so long, when I was rescued and taken to the hospital, the doctors could tell where and what ribs had been broken without having to take X-rays?”
Another tear slipped from her eyes. I wanted to stop so badly, but I had to keep going. It was the only way to get her to see me for who I was. “You can handle knowing that those people up and left one day, leaving me for dead, and the only reason I was saved was because someone walking by heard a loud sound and reported it? That sound was me, pounding my head against the water pipe, trying to kill myself. I was trying to kill myself at five years old, Rowen.” My voice was getting louder, my own tears coming to the surface. “That is the man in front of you.”
“Jesse—” she choked out.
“No.” I shook my head vehemently. “No one should be expected to put up with a person with the kind of past I have. No one should have to.” I knew what I had to say, but it didn’t want to come out. I had to take a few breaths and remind myself of all the reasons I needed to say it. “You have to save yourself, Rowen. I’m past the point of saving now.”
One month had changed everything, one month had upended my world. A year ago, I’d been a person who’d moved on from my horrendous past to claim a hopeful future. A year later, I was a person about to be swallowed up by my past with no foreseeable future. I’d been a fool to expect I could put it all behind me. I’d been an even bigger one to believe I had.
After another tear fell from her eyes, Rowen glared at me. “You know, I recognize a pushing away act from a hundred feet, Jesse. You should know that since you were the one who called me out on it.” She marched toward me. She didn’t stop until her chest bumped into mine. “Now it looks like I’m the one calling you out on the same thing. So I’ll repeat your words back to you . . . Don’t push me away, Jesse Walker. I’m not going anywhere.”
A woman like her was every man’s dream. A woman who couldn’t be shaken and would stand shoulder to shoulder in the face of a storm. I’d found that kind of woman and, beyond all belief, she loved me. And I had to let her go.
I had to let her go because I loved her.
That was what I reminded myself of when I cleared my face and met her eyes. “I’m not pushing you away, Rowen. I just want you to leave.”
There was the turning point. There was her resolve crumbling in front of me. She was about to fall apart. I didn’t think there was room for it, but I managed to hate myself a little bit more in that moment.
“You’re just saying that. You’re trying to hurt me and push me away because this is your twisted idea of protecting me.” Taking a deep breath, she looked up at me and her hardened expression fell. “I’m not leaving you until you can look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want me anymore.”
It someone asked me if I’d rather have my fingernails ripped out or look Rowen in the eye and tell her that, I would have slapped both hands down on a table and said, “Do your worst” without a second’s thought. I would rather relive a week of my childhood before the Walkers than have to do that. But I couldn’t falter. I couldn’t fail so close to the end. I couldn’t drag her through whatever I was going through. I had to save Rowen since she obviously wasn’t going to save herself. Locking my eyes with hers, I set my jaw and got after it. “I don’t want you anymore, Rowen Sterling. But I do want you to leave.”
Rowen breaking in front of me was exactly what I’d vowed to never let happen. Watching her break before walking away from me for the last time secured the number one spot as the most horrific sight I’d ever seen.
THOSE PEOPLE WHO claim it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Yeah, they’re full of shit.
The last few weeks, I’d felt like my heart was being sliced and diced every morning when I woke up and realized that Jesse was gone. There was nothing good left in the world. Life was more a chore than a celebration. The ache in my bones, the pit in my stomach, the memory of him that made me wish I didn’t have a brain . . . all of it made me doubt the whole loved-lost debate.
Alex and Sid decided to force a night on the town on me, making me certain I’d rather have never loved than lost. Every chump who eyed me like I was a notch to be carved on his bedpost. Every loser who thought a Hey and a lame smile was the height of romance. Every man who looked at me like I was something he wanted reminded me of him. The good looks and the bad looks. All of them reminded me of Jesse in some way.
It wasn’t just that night, though. Just about everything everyday found a way to remind me of Jesse. The one man who’d been brave enough to love me. The same one who’d looked me in the eye and said good-bye.
That night, the one I’d never forget a single word of, had ripped me to shreds. Not only because Jesse had broken us apart, but because of all he’d shared. I’d known he’d gone through hell before being adopted, but I never had it spelled out for me. Those things he shared with me had seemed unimaginable . . . unthinkable. How could the grinning, happy man I’d fallen in love with been exposed to those types of things and come out of it still able to smile, let alone love? He was a true testament to what the Walkers had done to help him, as well as what Jesse had done to help himself.
People who’d gone through those kinds of things didn’t turn into Jesse Walkers. Statistically speaking, people who’d gone through what Jesse had generally went on to spread the same kind of horrors. Jails were overpopulated with people like that. Mental institutions too. A small gravestone that was never visited, etched with the dates of someone who’d lived a short life, was another likely outcome for so many people who’d been abused.
So why had Jesse turned out so differently? Why had Jesse been the one to break free of his past? Or why had he?
Although I was nowhere as convinced as he was that he was doomed because his past had seeped into his present, the suddenness of it all was staggering. What had been the trigger for it? I didn’t have a clue. I didn’t need to have one. All I’d needed to do was help him through it. All I’d wanted to do was repay him the favor he’d paid me last summer. I wanted to pull the curtains back for him like he had for me so he could see the person he was in my eyes. Seeing the person I was in Jesse’s eyes had done more healing than a lifetime’s worth of therapy ever would have.
But that didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter how badly I wanted to walk alongside him in his battle, and it didn’t matter how much I wanted to spend my life with him, scars and all. He was gone. He hadn’t pushed me away. He hadn’t shoved me either. He’d forced me away.
There was nothing I could do. He didn’t want me. Even at his worst, his rock bottom, Jesse Walker didn’t want me. That insecure, guarded girl I’d arrived at Willow Springs as was just begging to be released. I’d managed to keep the lid on her so far. I was
n’t sure how much longer I’d be able to keep it up.
“So still no sign of Mar, right?” Alex asked, nudging me. The three of us were crammed into her El Camino, and even though I gave it a lot of crap for looking like it needed to go spend its golden years in a junkyard, it had gotten me to Willow Springs and back. After hanging up with Rose, I’d managed to stop Alex right as she was leaving for school. After I’d explained the situation, she let me take her car and she took my bike. Having good friends was a good thing.
“No sign, and that’s okay because a part of me doesn’t want to go to prison. It’s not okay because I know landing a few punches on her would help with some of this crazy rage I have inside of me.”
Sid, bless the dude, did the guy thing and gazed out the passenger window like he couldn’t hear a word. I wasn’t sure if Alex had told him what I’d told her, but I’d only given her the surface story. I’d told her that Mar was Jesse’s birth mother, that she and his birth father had abused him, and that was why he had to be removed from their “care.” She hadn’t probed for details and that had been a relief because the details weren’t mine to share. The details were enough to give a person nightmares for life, like they had me for the past few weeks.
“You realize she’s probably sick. Really, really screwed up in the head. Right, Rowen? What she needs is a psych ward, not a smack down.” Alex whipped the El Camino into the parking lot of the club they were forcing me to visit.
“No, Alex, she might need a psych ward, but she also needs a serious smack down. She deserves it.” I glared out the window and tried not to picture her face. It didn’t work. Every time I spoke or thought about her, my blood heated to boiling. The woman who’d done unspeakable things to Jesse had been sitting across a table from me sharing my food . . . and I hadn’t known.
The universe had a perverse sense of humor.
“What about his birth dad? Whatever happened to him?”
“I don’t know. Mar mentioned once that her ‘good-for-nothing’ husband had bailed on her and died of alcohol poisoning a few years later. I don’t really know. And I don’t really want to know either.” Whatever had happened to Jesse’s dad, I hoped it had been as horrific as the things they’d done to him. I hoped if he did die of alcohol poisoning, it had been an excruciating, prolonged death.
I knew having so much bitterness inside of me was poison. The revenge and rage swelling in my stomach was just as toxic. But there were only two ways to deal with it. One: to forgive, try to forget, and let love and light lead the way. In other words, bullshit. An entire galaxy of love and light wasn’t up to the task of taking on what had been done to that young boy. An entire fucking galaxy.
And two: to let the unsavory emotions take over. Obviously, that was my choice.
There wasn’t a third. There wasn’t a way to move on and play ignorant. Some things I could do that with, but that wasn’t one of them. A person who could move on and play the ignorant card on that kind of abuse didn’t have a conscience. Or a soul.
Alex found a parking spot at the back of the parking lot and threw open her door. “I can’t believe that Jesse came from an abusive situation. He’s just so damn . . . happy-go-lucky all of the time. I never in a million years would have guessed it.”
“I know.” I slid out her side while Sid got out the passenger side. I glared at the club. I wasn’t in a club mood. I wasn’t in any kind of mood that could put up with loud music, strong alcohol, and dry-hump-dancing.
“He’s pretty much got to be the strongest person ever.”
I answered with a nod.
“Not to mention he’s good looking in a holy-shit-are-you-real kind of way, takes the best care of his girl, has the best smile I’ve ever seen, and has a strength of character that’s unparalleled.” Alex draped her arm over my shoulders. From the suffocatingly-tight vinyl top she had on, the motion made a strange sound. “You’re letting him get away because . . .?”
Jesse was a hard topic for me those days. Like it was hard to talk about a person I’d loved right after burying them. That was the same kind of feeling I had when it came to Jesse. Essentially, I had lost him. He wasn’t six feet under, but the five hundred miles of separation felt just as bad.
“I’m not letting him get away, Alex. He broke up with me.” I don’t know how many times I had to tell her that, but that was the last time. I couldn’t say those words again.
“Please. That boy adored you, Rowen. That boy would walk through a fire for you and, when he looked at you, I swore I finally understood what that whole unconditional love thing was all about.” Thanks to Alex’s six-inch spike heels on her red boots, our journey to the club entrance was slow going. Even though I didn’t feel like clubbing, I felt less like talking about Jesse. “And with all of that, you expect me to believe that he had a few bad days and decided to call it off with you? You expect me to believe that right now, that boy, wherever he is, isn’t feeling like a damn knife’s sticking out of his chest?”
“I don’t know. Jesse and I haven’t exactly talked in a while, so I don’t know what he’s up to or how he’s feeling. I can give you his number, and you can find out if you’re so interested.” Cue the bitterness making its way into my voice.
“You really haven’t tried calling him? Not even when you wake up in the middle of the night and your finger happens to accidentally bump his number?”
“No, I really haven’t. And you know what? He hasn’t tried calling me either.” I didn’t care that she had on stilts; I booked it toward the entrance. All the talk of Jesse made me need a drink. Even though I had a fake I.D., I didn’t drink every time I went out. Given my excessive history with alcohol, I figured that was a good policy. But that night, I needed a drink. Actually, I wanted to get rip-roaring drunk because at least then I wouldn’t be able to think about Jesse anymore.
Alex wanted to say something else. I could tell from the look she gave me, but that was when Sid suddenly decided to join in on the conversation.
“How’s the decision coming along with the internship? You know, if you choose not to take it and stay at Mojo over the summer, I’ll give you another raise,” he said.
I exhaled. That was a topic I could talk about with relative ease. “I still haven’t decided. They said they’d give me another week to make up my mind before offering it to the student behind me. And thanks for the raise offer. I’ll make sure to take it into consideration.” I shot Sid a little smile. He was a pretty good guy, and I could always use one of those in my corner. There were too few of them out there as it was.
Someone else I’d had little to no contact with over the past few weeks? Jax Jones. First, the little weasel pulled that stunt in my apartment, then later told me it was an honest mistake. Then after finding out through the grapevine about Jesse’s and my split, he’d called me, not even a week later, to ask me on a date. After the earful I gave him, he hadn’t so much as looked my way when we passed in the hallway. As much as I wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt, some people had reputations for a reason. Apparently Jax was one of those people.
Alex gave me a quick squeeze before we wove through the club’s entrance. “Let’s have a good time tonight, okay? You deserve one.”
I nodded. Not because I thought I was actually capable of having a good night so soon after the break up to end all break ups, but because Alex had gone out of her way to try to cheer me up. I could pretend it was helping as a way to show my gratitude.
The club was very Seattle cool. During spring break my senior year of school, I’d gone to a nightclub in L.A. with my boyfriend of the month. It’s a long story . . . Anyways, that club, the L.A. glamour scene, was the polar opposite to a Seattle club. Seattle was full of rich tech nerds who still lived with their moms, gray-suited business women who’d forgotten how to smile, and young hipsters who thought world peace was a possibility. There wasn’t a market for glam up there.
The club was understated, the music wasn’t too loud, the majority of
people had some locally made craft beer clutched in their fist, and there wasn’t a single sequin to be found. As clubs went, it was a solid spot to get together and pass the night away with friends. There were worse places I could have been.
There were also better places, much better places, but I tried not to think about that anymore. I could have called any of the Walkers, Garth, or Josie to talk. I knew none of them would hang up on me. They were the closest thing to family I had. But they’d been Jesse’s family first. They were his before they were mine, and I didn’t want to put them in the awkward position of choosing sides. I would never force them to make that choice, but it was human nature to pick sides. It was hard to be neutral. So I hadn’t talked to anyone at Willow Springs in weeks. It wasn’t a tenth as painful as not talking to Jesse, but it hurt like hell just the same.
I followed Alex and Sid through the crowd as they made their way to a free table in the back.
“What do you ladies want? I’ll go start a tab.” Sid pulled out a chair for Alex and one for me.
“Surprise me,” Alex answered, tugging on one of Sid’s dreads.
“Rowen?”
I wanted a shot. Actually, I wanted a line of them. Hold that . . . How about just bring me a bottle? That’s what I wanted. It’s not what I needed, though. I plopped into my chair and sighed. “I’ll have an amber.”
Sid waved his acknowledgment, then disappeared into the crowd.
“So I know this probably isn’t a great time to bring this up”—Alex scooted closer to me—“but have you decided what you’re going to do when I move out? Are you going to find another roommate or move into something smaller?”
I groaned. Alex had told me a while back that she’d be moving out at the end of the school year. Sid had asked her to move in, and she’d agreed. When I’d told Jesse over spring break that I was pretty sure Alex was making one giant mistake, he’d laughed and said sometimes what we think are the giant mistakes in life turn out to be the best decisions. As usual, thoughts of Jesse delivered a sharp pain to my chest. I tried to bury those thoughts. At least temporarily. They never stayed permanently buried.