Damien tried to pretend it didn’t happen, but I just couldn’t.
Angry at myself for my inability to control my feelings, I’d decided that avoiding him would be better than trying to deal with things. I didn’t want him to witness my weakness anymore.
When he’d call me over for breakfast, I’d make up an excuse. When he’d come by, I’d act cold until he gave up and left.
The dogs were barking more than ever. I knew they were trying to get me to come over, and it pained me because I missed them. And I missed him. I just didn’t know how to be around him without feeling the sadness of his rejection.
Continuing to be his friend seemed impossible because I was pretty sure I was falling in love with him.
My phone chimed one morning.
The dogs miss you.
Chelsea: I miss them, too.
Damien: It’s not fair to them what you’re doing. You can’t just come see them for five minutes?
Chelsea: I can’t.
Damien: It’s not just them. I miss you, too.
Chelsea: I’m sorry.
With each day, the pain only got worse. It was the same kind of despair one experiences after a breakup, but in this case, there had been no romantic relationship, of course.
After a couple of weeks, I’d basically hit rock bottom.
It was late on a Friday night, and I’d decided that I was going to make myself this cocktail that I’d read about in one of my romance novels. It was called a Weeping Orgasm. The ingredients were blueberry vodka, Sprite, and fresh berries.
After downing three of them, I was basically off of my ass. Feeling the effects of my liquid courage, I opened the dating site that Damien had set me up on when we first met and decided to play around on it.
For shits and giggles, I looked up Online Damien’s profile and saw it was active. That meant that even though the free trial had run out, he’d paid to continue the subscription. That also meant that while he was choosing not to date me, he was using the site to meet other women.
My blood was boiling. My head had already been messed up from the alcohol, but now it felt like it was full-on spinning. While he’d continuously rejected me, he was basically on here, trolling for sex. I’d show him.
I clicked on the option to send him a message and typed.
Wanna fuck?
My heart was pounding. He probably wouldn’t even see it tonight. The little dot that would have been green if he was online remained unlit.
I immediately went back to try to delete what I’d written but there was no option to do that once a message was sent.
I looked closer at what I’d messaged him and realized it hadn’t come through the way I’d intended. The auto correct had actually changed the message to:
Wanna duck?
Great. That was smooth. Not only had I made a drunken fool of myself to try to prove a point, but the message actually made no sense at all.
I shut my laptop in defeat and nearly passed out.
Some time later, the sound of my front door slamming shut caused me to hop up from the bed.
Damien was slowly walking toward me as I moved backwards away from him.
My heart was racing. “How did you get in here?”
Damien lifted his key in answer to my question. I guess that was a dumb inquiry given he owned the building.
He backed me up against wall. “Did you just message me to come over and fuck you?”
“Technically, it said duck.”
“Technically, you’re drunk.”
“Technically, you might be right.” I snorted.
“You reek of alcohol, Chelsea. You think this is funny? Getting sloshed alone like this? Saying shit like that to me?”
“No, I don’t.”
“You think it’s all a joke, that you can just say stuff like that, that you don’t have an effect on me? It’s taking every bit of strength in my body not to accept your offer right now, take you against this wall and fuck you so hard for being a bitch these past two weeks.”
“I wish you would.”
“If I had a condom and you weren’t drunk as hell, I just might have. And that scares the shit out of me. That’s how little control I have around you.”
“Do it.”
“I wouldn’t touch you like this.”
“You wouldn’t touch me, period,” I said bitterly.
“That’s what you think? You have no idea how close I’ve come to losing it with you so many times. No clue.”
“Really. When?”
“That day you came over smelling like bacon for one. Don’t think I can’t tell exactly what you’re thinking when you look at me. You are so transparent, and it drives me crazy.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was half-naked when I opened the door that day, remember? You were fucking me with your eyes. I wanted to rip your shirt off faster than the dogs did.”
“What else?”
“That night we were hanging out when I cut that douchebag’s shirt off of you. I wanted to cut everything else off you too and fuck every memory of him out of you right then and there on the kitchen counter. Then, I wanted to wrap you in my own shirt and fuck you all over again. You want me to continue, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
God, he was turning me on.
“When we kissed, I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to stop. It was by no means the first kiss I’d ever had, but it was the best kiss, Chelsea. The best. Ever. I never wanted it to end.”
I breathed out, “I know.”
“And this next thing…I’m only going to admit because you’re drunk as shit and won’t remember it tomorrow.”
“What?”
“When you were licking the tip of that fucking corn dog…I wanted it to be my cock in your mouth. So fucking badly. I’m so hard right now just thinking about your lips wrapped around my dick. Remember how I went to find a bathroom after lunch that day? I went to jerk off because I couldn’t stop thinking about you taking my cock down your throat.”
“Wow.”
“So, yeah. You think I don’t want you. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m always one second away from losing it.”
Don’t ask me what compelled me to say what came out of my mouth next. We would just have to blame it on the alcohol.
“I dream about the mole on your ass.”
He backed away a bit, and his eyes widened. “What?”
Realizing the mistake I’d made, I tried to save myself. “You have an amazing ass.”
“That’s not what you said. How do you know I have that birthmark?”
“Um…”
“What the fuck, Chelsea?”
“I’ve seen your ass.”
“Okay…I’m missing something, because I’ve never shown you my ass.”
“I know.”
“So, then how did you see it?” When I didn’t respond, he simply said, “Chelsea…”
Having backed myself into a corner both literally and figuratively, I had no choice but to tell the truth. “Okay. So, you know how I was watching the dogs. Well, Drewfus went under your bed. I was trying to get him out. There was this box.” Swallowing, I said, “I opened it. I just wanted to know more about you. It was wrong. I shouldn’t have been snooping, but I was curious. This disc said Jamaica on it. I never dreamt it was a sex tape. I watched a little of it. I’m sorry. It was a mistake.”
A long, very uncomfortable silence ensued. He seriously looked stunned, and it made me feel so much worse.
Say something.
He finally inched his face close to mine and whispered, “You little fucking perv.”
I kept waiting for him to say something else. My breathing was erratic as I stayed backed up against the wall with his face in mine.
After several seconds of silence, he simply backed away and left, slamming the door behind him.
***
“You haven’t heard from him at all?”
“No. The last thi
ng he did was call me a ‘little fucking perv’ before going back to his apartment that night. It’s been a week and nothing.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. Remind me never to drink like that again. Nothing good ever comes from it.”
“So weird that he would admit all of that stuff—that he wanted to stick his dick in your mouth and what not—then be so quick to call you a perv for accidentally stumbling upon that video.”
“I didn’t accidentally watch it for five whole minutes, Jade. I don’t blame him. It was an invasion of his privacy. There’s no excuse.”
“So, what now?”
“Try to move on from this. Try to move on from him once and for all. What choice do I have?”
“Are you still seeing that guy, Brian?”
“No. He gave up on me. Just as well. He was a nice guy, but I just wasn’t that into him.”
“You’re not into anyone but Damien.”
“Well, that has to change. I’m going out with someone new this Friday, in fact.”
“Oh, really? Someone from the site?”
“Yes. His name is Mark.”
Dudley and Drewfus were barking up a storm next door, prompting Jade to laugh. “Wow, you weren’t kidding about those dogs. I can hear them.”
“It kills me that I haven’t seen them in so long.”
She sighed. “This is really proof, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“That men and women really can’t be friends, not if one of them is attracted to the other.”
“I feel guilty, like I failed him as a friend because I couldn’t control my feelings. He’s been nothing but good to me and up front.”
“Maybe you’ll hit it off with this Mark guy or someone else, and that will make it so that you can handle being friends with Damien again someday.”
“Anytime I think about moving on from these feelings for Damien, it just makes me sad. It doesn’t feel natural to me. I can’t explain it. It feels like even though a part of him is forcing himself away from me, there’s still this pull that is ever present. I can’t imagine my feelings going away as long as that contradiction exists.”
“Well, you can’t run in circles forever. He’s told you in every which way that he doesn’t feel like there’s a future there. At some point, regardless of his reasons, you just have to listen to him.”
“Those are his words, yes. But his heart…you should have heard the way it was beating when we kissed. I think that’s the main reason I can’t accept what he’s telling me.”
“I don’t want to see you wasting this precious time in your life pining over someone who’s not going to be there for you in the end. He’s told you his piece. I guess I just don’t understand why you’re not listening at this point.”
That was hard to hear, and I didn’t really have an answer. Matters of the heart weren’t always logical or easy to explain.
That afternoon after Jade and I got off the phone, I made some coffee and sat at my window. Damien was painting in the courtyard. I knew this was the time of day when the sun was just right when he usually worked on his art. I wasn’t normally at home at this time but had taken a personal day.
I sat and watched him for almost two hours as he painted a mountain with a sunset behind it. It was amazing how something that started out as a series of sprayed lines could be transformed into an image so realistic with the right blend of colors.
I wondered what he was thinking about and what made him decide to draw a mountain and a sunset. The dogs were sitting down watching him with their tongues hanging out, and that made me smile. It took everything in me to stop myself from going out there and joining them, but I didn’t want to disrupt him or worse—upset him.
My phone rang, interrupting the stalking session. It was Ariel from the youth center.
“Hey, Ariel. What’s up?”
“I was looking for you, but you’re not in today. You said I could call you anytime if I needed you, right?”
“Yes. Of course. What’s wrong?”
“Promise you won’t get mad at me?”
“I promise.”
“I had sex with Kai.”
Shit.
“Wow. Alright. Are you okay?”
“I think so. I mean, it wasn’t that great.”
I laughed inwardly. “Yeah, first times usually aren’t.”
“I see that now.”
“What made you decide to take that step?”
“I was curious. I wanted to see if it brings us closer. And I love him.”
“Well, as long as you’re okay with it and didn’t feel forced into doing something you weren’t ready for.”
“It’s too late now anyway, right?”
“It’s not too late to stop having sex moving forward.”
“I just thought I’d feel different…better about things…and I don’t.”
“Sex sometimes only complicates things even further.”
God, look who’s talking. It was like I needed my own advice.
“I almost feel more afraid than I was before,” she said.
“Since you’re being so honest with me, I’m going to tell you something very personal.”
“Okay.”
“You asked me a while back if I’d met anyone since Elec. At the time, there wasn’t anyone, but since then, I have met someone. He became my really good friend, but the problem is, I ended up developing strong feelings for him.”
“Did you have sex with him?”
“Well, that’s the thing. Even though we’re adults, which makes it less risky than it is at your age, he doesn’t want to take that step with me. It’s not because he’s not attracted to me. The temptation is there. But for some reason, he doesn’t feel that he can commit to me in the long term. So, he made the decision to not let things go any further, because he understands that sex does complicate things, and he’s trying to protect my feelings. He’s right, because a sexual relationship is not a step that anyone should take unless they’re sure. Even though I wish things were different, deep down, I respect his decision. I respect him so much for not using me or taking advantage of my vulnerability and for not wanting to hurt me.”
In an odd way, it made me love him even more, which was so fucked-up.
“Are you crying?” Ariel asked.
Wiping my eyes, I chuckled through my tears. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“See…sometimes, adults need to talk, too.”
***
Everyday I would tell myself that today was the day I would go over to Damien’s and apologize, and each day, I would let the opportunity pass me by. It never felt like the right time.
Sometimes, life doesn’t wait for the right time. Sometimes, a sudden situation brings people together whether they are ready for it or not.
One Wednesday, upon arriving home from work, the building super was standing outside with one of the dogs—but not both—which seemed odd. Upon closer look, I realized he was with Dudley.
“Hey, Murray. What’s going on? Where’s Damien?”
The look on his face worried me. “Drewfus was hit by a car today.”
My stomach sank. “What? Is he okay?”
“I’m not sure. He took him to the animal hospital. Boss was pretty shaken up.”
Dudley would normally be jumping up and down around me, but instead, he was quiet and didn’t seem himself.
“Did Dudley see it happen?”
“I think so. I wasn’t here. I guess Drewfus just took off suddenly, and it all happened so fast.”
My heart was aching for Damien. The dogs were his life. Filled with dread, I took out my phone and sent him a text.
Is Drewfus okay?
It was several minutes before he responded.
Damien: He’s in surgery. Some broken limbs and internal damage. I won’t know more until he’s out.
Breathing out a sigh of relief that the dog was alive, I typed.
Chelsea: I’m with
Murray. Can I take Dudley to your apartment? What can I do?
Damien: That would be great.
Chelsea: Okay. I still have my key from last time.
Damien: Thank you.
Chelsea: Of course.
Once inside Damien’s apartment, it broke my heart to see how flustered Dudley was as he frantically searched all of the rooms for his best friend. The Double Ds were like right arms to each other. If he’d seen the accident happen, that had to have been traumatic.
He also refused to eat, which was very unlike him. I didn’t know what else to do. When I sat down on the couch, he hopped up to join me and rested his chin on my stomach. I began to slowly massage his smooth scalp to calm him. I couldn’t think of any better purpose for myself today than to be comforting this animal. My fingers continued to stroke his forehead until his lazy eyelids fluttered closed. He’d fallen asleep.
Since I hadn’t peed since coming home from work, I carefully slid my body from under Dudley to use Damien’s bathroom.
Upon returning, I noticed a notepad on the kitchen counter that seemed to have a number of different things scribbled on it from telephone numbers to grocery items to doodles. But it was the word written randomly in the corner of the notepad in an elaborate graffiti-like font that really stood out: Chelsea.
In the midst of such a sad day, that made me smile and filled me with hope. I vowed not to read into it and just to appreciate it for what it was: verification that he’d been thinking of me, whether as a friend or otherwise.
Even though I was dying for an update on Drewfus, I opted not to bother Damien. He’d contact me when he was ready. So, I returned to my spot on the couch next to Dudley. He’d now woken up but was sullen and lethargic.
The door opened shortly after 11PM. Dudley started to pant as he ran to it in search of his best friend. Damien was alone and knelt down, rubbing his fingers along Dudley’s head.
Speaking softly, he said, “It’s okay, buddy. It’s okay. He’s not here, but he’s gonna be fine. He’s gonna be okay.”