WHEN I AWOKE there was light seeping in from under the closed door. I mentally kicked myself for not sealing it off properly last night. On my own, I would have never made a mistake like that.
Triven’s arms were draped around me, his breath tickling my ear. I blinked at the unfamiliar daylight streaming in. This was the second time my nightmares had not plagued me. At first I thought maybe it had been whatever was in Cook’s hooch, but this time the only common factor was Triven.
We had spent the night in a feverish embrace, our lips never getting enough, but our romantic exploits stopped there. Not that we didn’t want more— we did— this just wasn’t the time or the place. And if I was being honest with myself, I wasn’t ready and somehow he knew that. I wasn’t sure I could let myself connect to another person that intimately. Sharing myself like that meant giving a piece of myself away, and right now I was barely holding onto the pieces I had left.
I pulled away from Triven, pausing as he mumbled in his sleep. Quietly, I grabbed the maps and headed back down to the clock room. A greenish light poured in from all of the opaque faces. I paused, drinking in the light. This was the closest I had come to seeing daylight in almost six years. I knew the sun of Tartarus was not the one of my childhood. Out here the atmosphere was tainted by decay. If I went outside, there would be no blue sky, or golden sun. Just haze and smog that tinged the sun’s rays a greenish brown. It was easier to stand behind the frosted glass clock faces and pretend the world outside was that of my childhood rather than to face the truth of my reality.
After spreading the two maps over the aged floor, I folded my knees beneath me and began to study the pressed pages. The Master had kept them in perfect condition, the delicate papers only tinged slightly with inevitable age. Even after all of the years I had stood on rooftops looking down on the city, it still seemed strange to see it from this view, from so high above. One map contained elaborate photographs of the city before it crumbled into Tartarus. Vehicles could be seen on the streets, people on the sidewalks, no protruding mountains or wastelands to be seen. The aerial projection seemed surreal. The buildings stood straight, the streets were whole, it seemed nothing like the city I knew. But hidden in the structured order was something familiar. Shapes, that while whole, triggered some kind of recognition.
The other map was hand-drawn in great detail. There was no mistaking the dense line that represented The Wall. Outside of the line was nothing, like the world there didn’t exist. Inside there were marked buildings. The Master had labeled the structures from his memory but to me the sketched buildings meant nothing. I was actually disappointed I couldn’t remember. Overlapping the two maps I joined the two worlds. The Wall seemed so much larger looking at it like this, so… impenetrable. That dark line was the only barricade between my past and my future. I traced the line. There were no tunnels, no hidden gaps in the heavy ink.
I pressed two fingers to my forehead and closed my eyes as I tried to visualize the maps in my mind.
I was sitting on top of the clock tower looking at the city below me, the city I knew. The buildings rose from the map in my mind like a popup book. The rubble and decay pressed against the impenetrable Wall. I could see it all. Placing my fingers on the map I traced the buildings as I visualized them. A creak on the stairs told me Triven was awake.
He was watching me, for how long before the old stairs gave him away I wasn’t sure. My fingers stopped as I met his eyes. The look in them brought a flush to my cheeks. He was wearing only an old grey stained tank top and his linen pants, his long-sleeved shirt removed sometime in his sleep. His bare skin was dark in the late daylight, the scars from years of surviving the streets prevalent against the otherwise smooth surface. His muscles flexed as he moved down the stairs towards me. A thin line of dried blood still clung to his neck where The Master had cut him last night. The warmth of his eyes was magnified in the strangely green fading light. He looked like a warrior, like a god. I pushed away the feelings stirring in my chest. He loved me. I could see it in his eyes. But did I feel the same way? It was easier to be angry, to be alone. Love was scary. It was opening myself up to possible pain. But as he folded himself next to me to examine the maps, I knew I wanted him here. I needed him here. But did that mean I loved him? Or was I just being selfish, wanting his love but not willing to give mine in return?
“Is it my imagination or does it seem like a lot of the Ravagers’ warehouses border The Wall?” Triven’s finger traced the same line mine had.
I glanced back down at the maps, thankful for the distraction. He was right. Even now where my finger lay frozen, it fell over the Ravagers’ food warehouse. In fact, six of their well-known hangouts fell along The Wall. I pulled my hand back as his came too close. He didn’t seem to notice. I watched as his fingers moved to the map of The Sanctuary.
“What was it like there?” My words were barely audible. I didn’t look up, but I could feel Triven’s eyes on me. It took him a minute to answer.
“I wasn’t much older than you when we left The Sanctuary. There are things that I remember clearly and other things that are hard to separate from the stories my mother has retold me over the years. There were good things though. I remember having friends, going to classes and learning. I remember blue skies and sunshine. We never went hungry or worried about shelter. Every person was provided food and a home to live in and in return every citizen contributed to society. It was supposed to be a utopia.” I looked up to find him smiling sadly as he stared at the map, but it faded quickly.
“But that was just a façade. Life there was…measured. Everything we did, from when we ate to what we wore to what jobs we could work, was controlled. There were rules that had to be adhered to and those few who did not, tended to disappear. We were controlled by fear. I remember a boy in one of my classes questioning Minister Fandrin’s leadership during a history lesson. The teacher lashed him in front of the class, saying the boy’s impertinence should be a lesson for us all. He said the student was lucky he was only a child or he would have been thrown out into Tartarus for treason.”
I felt my chest tighten as Triven’s eyes met mine. Something in his words resonated in my broken mind.
“Military personnel dominated our population. There isn’t a day I can remember where they weren’t present in our lives. Walking the streets, arresting miscreants, enforcing the peace.” He shook his head pensively. “That’s quite the oxymoron isn’t it? Enforcing peace. As a child I thought the military was there to keep us safe, to protect us from the monsters that were outside of The Wall. But now, I realize it was never about protecting us, it was about controlling us.” Triven sat back from the maps, chewing absently on his thumbnail as he got lost in his own memories.
My mind was whirling with information. I wished I could remember something, anything, that somewhere in my brain Triven’s words would trigger some of my lost memories, but there was nothing. My past was still just a void. My fingers unconsciously traced the scar hidden beneath my hair. To my surprise Triven’s fingers followed mine, his hand cupping my face as they traced over my scar.
“Do you think this is why you can’t remember?” Concern flared in his gentle features.
I shrugged, shaking my head as I pushed his hand away.
“It’s going to be dark soon, we should eat and get ready to leave. The building The Mas-Xavier told us about is not far from here. I would like to scope it out tonight. If we have to be out in the daylight to follow their movements I want to plan our hiding places. It’s better if we stack the odds in our favor.” I got up and stretched. “I’ll find us something to eat. See if you can get anything else from the maps.”