A ringing pierced the silence, and I jerked my head to the left and right, trying to follow the sound.
My phone.
Jared.
I ran to my purse where it lay on the table by the stairs and pulled out my phone. But before I pressed Send, I caught sight of the number on the screen and my heart skipped a beat.
What?
He hadn’t called since . . .
He never called. Not since a few weeks after we ended things, but I never answered. Not the first time he called or the tenth time. After a while, he got the message. He let me go.
A spark of want flared in my veins. So long . . .
Slowly pressing Send, I rested my back against the wall and slid down, bringing the phone to my ears as I bent my knees and fell to the floor.
There was silence, but probably because I was supposed to say something, and I hadn’t yet.
I wouldn’t.
I heard a breath on the other end, and chills ran over my skin.
“I still think about you,” he said, his voice quiet and pained. “Every day. So many times every day.” And then he let out a breath. “It was harder than I let on, seeing you today, and I know I shouldn’t be calling, but I needed to hear your voice again. I’ve never stopped missing you.”
Tears filled my eyes, and everything in front of me blurred. “It didn’t stop you from marrying again.”
He was silent for a moment, and all I could feel was despair. I didn’t know if it was him, me, or both of us, but the tale had become too twisted to set right anymore. We knew that much.
“I’d hurt you so much,” he admitted. “I used you and tore you apart and made you unhappy, and . . . I thought if I stayed away you’d be better off. I thought if I married someone else, I’d forget you and what I did to you and Maddie and my son, and my fucking heart wouldn’t hurt so much. I should’ve come for you, but why would you want me anymore? You had to hate me, right? I could barely stand the sight of myself.”
I clenched my lips tightly to keep from crying out loud.
“That’s my greatest regret,” he went on, his voice cracking with sadness. “I regret cheating on my wife. I regret never being there for Madoc when I should be, but you . . .” He drifted off. “I wish I could go back to that day at the garage and see you again with your messy ponytail and your warm, beautiful eyes, with that grease stain on your neck that I kept wanting to touch . . . and I wish I would’ve left when you told me to leave.”
I hugged myself, pressing the phone to my ear and letting the tears fall as I listened.
“I wish I could’ve left you like that and never taken your life from you and never hurt you. Just left, because I’d be happy knowing you were going to be better off for it. That the fire in your eyes would never have died.”
My chin trembled, and my chest shook. A sob escaped, and I brought my hand to my mouth, covering it to muffle the noise.
“I wish I could do that,” he continued. “But that’s the fucking thing, you know? If I went back to that day, saw you in that thin white T-shirt, and your breathing so nervous, because you were afraid of me but still had the courage to fight back . . . No matter how much I’d want to, I’d do nothing differently.” His voice grew stronger. “Nothing. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. I’d dive right back in, even knowing how badly everything would end, because you’re the only life I’ve ever had, and I couldn’t not have you.” His voice shook, thick with tears he wasn’t letting out. “I’d crash and burn a thousand times just to have you.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and broke down, hanging up the phone and finally letting it all go.
I still loved him, and it was so difficult to figure out why, if we could be so good together, why were we so terrible together, too? How could something be so right and so toxic at the same time?
But as I sat in my dark house, the buzz of the alcohol making my limbs heavy, I realized that maybe I was my own worst enemy. And maybe Jase was his. We weren’t toxic together, because even apart we were miserable.
And we weren’t a mistake. Maybe it was everything keeping us apart that was a mistake.
Jase Caruthers couldn’t fix me, and I couldn’t fix him. Plain and simple.
We just weren’t right for each other yet.
Maybe in another life . . .
• • •
“Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?”
“Can it wait until we get to the track?” Jared asks, sounding stressed. And then he raises his eyes from James’s shoes, making sure they’re double knotted. “Are you riding with me?”
“No, she’s with me.” Madoc grins. “I’m making her drive.”
He and Kade pick up the cooler and plop it down on the porch, heading back in to gather the GoPros and camera bag.
“Dylan!” Jared bellows to her somewhere in the house. “You need to leave! Jax wants you to do more practice runs before you’re up!”
“Ugh,” she groans, walking in from the dining room. “I’ve been doing practice runs since I was twelve. I think I got it.”
Madoc tosses something to Kade, nearly hitting me in the face, and Tate, Fallon, and Juliet all rush back down the stairs, one of them kissing me on the forehead as they pass.
I close my eyes and ball my fists. “Can you just stop for a minute?” I bark. “I have something I need to show you.”
“Well, then, hurry,” Jared snaps, finishing James’s shoe.
“I found this book,” I tell him. “Or it was sent to me, I mean. I’m pretty sure it’s about Mom and Dad. It’s like their love story or something.”
“What?” Tate asks, scrunching up her face in confusion as she puts on her sunglasses and Fallon sprays sunscreen on Madoc’s and Kade’s necks as they walk by.
“Look.” I take out the hardcover and hand it to Jared, opening to the bookmarked page so that I can point to the names that are eerily close to my parents’. “Kat and Jase.”
Tate comes over to look at it, but Jared couldn’t look less interested. He hands the book back and pats his jeans, probably for his keys and wallet.
“And they have sons, Jared and Madoc,” I point out. “They live in a small town in Illinois, she had a baby with some asshole, he’s married, their sons are friends, and Jared is in love with the girl next door who he picks on every day at school.” I glance at Tate and then back to Jared. “Did you really do that?”
Jared just laughs to himself, pulling his phone off the charger in the nearby living room and sliding it into his back pocket. “Who would write a book about our parents? It doesn’t mean anything.”
Everyone gathers the rest of their things, pulls on shoes, and heads for the front door.
“Let’s go!” Jared yells.
I groan under my breath and grind my teeth. Damn it!
I have to spin around and head to the porch, calling after him as everyone drifts across the lawn. “Did you tell Mom that women were high-maintenance bitches that needed to be walked more than once a day?”
Everyone suddenly stops and Jared freezes. I hear a few gasps, and I think there’s a snort from Kade.
I see the muscles in Jared’s back tighten through his T-shirt, everyone is absolutely silent, and I’m tempted to smile.
Yeaaaaaah. I have your attention now, don’t I?
I’d read a few more chapters while I was at Jax’s, and things between Jared and our mom only got worse over the next year. He said some really interesting things as the arguments escalated, too.
Slowly, everyone turns around to face me, and Jared stares at me, looking stunned, while Tate gives him a horrified look.
“Jared, you didn’t,” she says.
But he can do nothing but rush to his own defense. “I was like sixteen!” he bursts out, breathing heavily. “Jesus Christ, I was probably drunk!”
He charges over
and takes the book away from me, opening it to a random page and scanning.
I hold out my hand. “Give it back.”
“Like hell!” he barks.
“I can tell Tate what you called her behind her back when you were fifteen,” I say loudly. “Now give it back.”
He shoots his worried eyes over to Tate, who simply cocks her head to the side and puts her hands on her hips, looking a little pissed. He then glances at Dylan, who looks half-amused and half-embarrassed. Knowing the man Jared is now, it’s hard to believe he was ever cruel—or ended up winning Tate when he treated her like crap back then—but Dylan rolls with things better than anyone I know. It is kind of entertaining to realize your parents aren’t perfect. And hey, even better to have that pointed out in front of everyone.
He scowls and hands the book back. “Quinn,” he starts, trying to explain. “I was a huge asshole in high school, okay?”
“Yeah, no duh.”
And then Jared twists his head to the side and glares at Juliet. “Did you do this?”
She snorts, and I realize he’s thinking the same thing I was.
“Oh, yeah,” she says, playing with him. “I totally wrote it. You know you had it coming, right? All the years you guys spent disrespecting women”—she flashes a look at Madoc—“never dreaming that someday you’d have a daughter, a sister, and a niece, whom you adore. It was totally me. Payback is slow but sure. Mwahahahaha!”
Tate and Fallon laugh at her side, and Jared focuses back on me. “Quinn . . .”
But I just roll my eyes and shake my head, walking around him. “Forget it. It’s fine.”
Nothing has changed in how much I love my brothers, and I know he went through a lot growing up, but damn . . . what a little asshole!
Chapter 9
The Shelburne Falls Racetrack takes up several acres in the middle of the countryside, run by Jax and heavily invested in by Jared, Madoc, and Tate. They all raced here years ago, and as the Trents and Carutherses slowly took over management and expansion, it had grown far beyond its original single dirt course circling a dinky little pond.
Back in the day, it was called the Loop, and all you needed was a car. Races were informal, and usually consisted of unsupervised teens hanging out to have a little fun.
Now, instead of the original one loop, there’s two. The new one isn’t completely square like the original. It features twists and turns, as well as being much longer than the original. The tracks are paved, there are contracts and rules, and there are managers in place to keep everything running smoothly. While some balk at how much the Loop has changed, Jax knows what he’s doing. To keep people interested, you have to keep introducing something new. And since attendance has grown to twenty times what it was when it first started, procedures had to be put in place to keep everyone safe.
But still, it’s completely free to attend just like it’s always been. The track makes its money from sponsors, concessions, and merchandise.
Following the rest of my family, I slip my bag strap over my head, tossing it in the backseat of Fallon’s car. I’ll most likely get a ride from her on the way home. She and Madoc live so close to me, after all.
As I walk over the grassy area, I notice a couple of guys I went to school with turn and nod a “hi.”
I tip my chin back up and resist the urge to chew on my lip. Juliet’s leather skinny pants fit like a glove, and the off-the-shoulder white T-shirt I’d borrowed flows down past my ass but left my bare shoulder exposed. She’d slapped some red lipstick on me and messed up my hair. Thankfully, Jared and Madoc had seemed too rushed to notice yet.
“I want to race the Boss!” I can hear Dylan as I head over to where she stands on the track.
Jared climbs out of the car she’s standing next to and hands her the keys, probably having just pulled it into position for her.
“Enough,” he bites out. “We’re not changing the plan this late in the game.”
“I’ve been asking you for months. I’m better in that car!” she argues.
Jared closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking exasperated. “Okay, let’s try something new.” He opens his eyes back up and looks straight at me, not Dylan. “Quinn,” he says. “Dylan can’t drive the Boss, because she wants to race the Big Loop. The Big Loop has tight twists and turns, and she needs a lighter-weight vehicle if she wants to have any chance of handling that track.” His tone is sarcastic, and I can feel Dylan tense next to me as I fight not to laugh.
“Not only will she lose if she races with the Boss,” he goes on, “but she’ll also probably take out every other car, trying to make those turns. Now, can you please explain that to my daughter in a way that she understands, because every time I try it’s like I’m talking to a wall?”
And then he shoots Dylan a pointed look before turning around and walking away.
Dylan just stands there silently until I glance at her out of the corner of my eye. “So you got all that, right?”
“Shut up.”
I snort, and she folds her arms over her chest, pouting.
“You’re just nervous, and you want a familiar car,” I soothe, turning toward her. “You’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, better listen to Daddy like a good little girl,” Kade teases. He and his brother walk around us to stand in front of her.
“Leave her alone, Kade,” Hunter says.
But Kade just shoots him a cocky grin and turns his eyes back on Dylan, lowering his voice. “She can handle me.”
Hunter shakes his head, while Dylan stares at Kade, looking defiant. He’s always pushed her and teased her, and she always rises to meet the challenges he throws down. Like he sets the pace and she needs to try to keep up.
I don’t like the way he eggs her on and constantly makes her feel like she needs to prove herself.
I doubt his twin likes it, either. They often fight, and Dylan’s usually not far from the root of the problem.
Kade twists around with a gloating little smile on his face and walks to the bleachers where his friends are sitting. A girl hops down from the stands and slinks her arms around his neck, and he holds her hips, kissing her long and slow and putting on a nice show for everyone.
I wince, turning my eyes away. I’ve absorbed enough family bedroom knowledge for one day, thank you.
But then I see Dylan staring in his direction, her eyes pained.
Hunter watches her and then shakes his head, turning around to leave.
“Hunter?” she calls, stopping him.
He spins back around, looking agitated. “Yeah, what?”
She fidgets with her hands and stares at him, wincing a little. “I’m nervous.”
He breathes out a quiet laugh, like he understands completely.
Walking up to her, he pulls his iPod out of his jeans’ pocket and yanks out the cord to his headphones that hang around his neck, and hands her the iPod.
“War playlist,” he instructs. “Track five.”
She lets out a relieved breath and smiles. “Thanks.”
He nods, letting his gaze linger on her for a moment. Reaching out, he tips her chin up. “You’re Dylan Trent. They’re scared of you. Don’t forget that.”
She gives him a shaky smile and inhales a deep breath, squaring her shoulders again. “Got it.”
He turns and heads to the bleachers, sitting next to Hawke, on the opposite side from Kade and his friends. Hunter is on the football team with Hawke and his brother, but he always sits apart, separate from everyone else.
“So how’s that book going?” Dylan asks.
I glance over at her, remembering she left off after the kitchen floor scene.
She’d missed a lot, and my mind turns back to everything I’ve read tonight.
I’m confused about my mother and father’s relationship. I keep trying to remember h
ow they are now, solid and happy. It’s hard to wrap my head around how much of a life everyone—my parents, Jared, Madoc, Jax—had before I was born.
My mom and dad eventually got their shit together. I’ve yet to finish the book, so I’m not sure how. But I hate their stupid choices and having to readjust everything I thought I knew about them. Also, I still have no clue who sent the book to me—or why it’s important to them that I know the backstory to my parents’ marriage. Is someone trying to stir shit up?
I also hate how I felt everything Kat was feeling. The uncertainty, the fear, the desire to stay with what’s familiar even if you’re miserable . . . the powerlessness.
I can relate.
“She’s so weak,” I finally admit, noticing the hint of self-hate in my voice. “She scheduled her entire life around him. Barely existed without him or had any interests or hobbies outside of him. He held her entire happiness in his hands.”
Dylan leans back on her Silvia, the car her dad is making her race tonight, and stares ahead.
“It’s not so unusual, is it?” she responds in a thoughtful tone. “How much we invest in wanting one person’s love? In wanting them near and for them to think of us?”
I notice she’s looking over at Kade’s group, and it occurs to me that maybe I’m not the only one relating.
“No, it’s not unusual,” I agree. “I think too many people give others too much power over them. But if they’re not missing you or thinking about you or wanting to be near you, then it’s time to realize you’re worth someone who does.”
We stand there, the chaos of the crowds and music around us a distant hum as the conversation hangs in the air.
Lucas clearly forgot we all existed back here, and Kade uses Dylan like a pet puppy, enticing her to learn tricks for his amusement.
Dylan shivers and blows out a breath. “Well, that was deep,” she jokes and turns to me. “All right, you’re with me, right?”
I laugh. “No. I have zero interest.”
I don’t like the way she drives when she’s not racing, so she can do this without me riding shotgun.