The synagogue resembled a large railroad station: baggage and tears. The altar was shattered, the wall coverings shredded, the walls themselves bare. There were so many of us, we could hardly breathe. The twenty-four hours we spent there were horrendous. The men were downstairs, the women upstairs. It was Saturday— the Sabbath—and it was as though we were there to attend ser- vices. Forbidden to go outside, people relieved themselves in a corner.
The next morning, we walked toward the station, where a convoy of cattle cars was waiting. The Hungarian police made us climb into the cars, eighty persons in each one. They handed us some bread, a few pails of water. They checked the bars on the windows to make sure they would not come loose. The cars were sealed. One person was placed in charge of every car: if someone managed to escape, that person would be shot.
Two Gestapo officers strolled down the length of the platform. They were all smiles; all things considered, it had gone very smoothly.
A prolonged whistle pierced the air. The wheels began to grind. We were on our way.
LYING DOWN was not an option, nor could we all sit down. We decided to take turns sitting. There was little air. The lucky ones found themselves near a window; they could watch the blooming countryside flit by.
After two days of travel, thirst became intolerable, as did the heat.
Freed of normal constraints, some of the young let go of their inhibitions and, under cover of darkness, caressed one another, without any thought of others, alone in the world. The others pre- tended not to notice.
There was still some food left. But we never ate enough to satisfy our hunger. Our principle was to economize, to save for tomorrow. Tomorrow could be worse yet.
The train stopped in Kaschau, a small town on the Czechoslovakian border. We realized then that we were not staying in Hungary. Our eyes opened. Too late.
The door of the car slid aside. A German officer stepped in accompanied by a Hungarian lieutenant, acting as his interpreter.
"From this moment on, you are under the authority of the German Army. Anyone who still owns gold, silver, or watches must hand them over now. Anyone who will be found to have kept any of these will be shot on the spot. Secondly, anyone who is ill should report to the hospital car. That's all.“
The Hungarian lieutenant went around with a basket and re- trieved the last possessions from those who chose not to go on tasting the bitterness of fear.
”There are eighty of you in the car,“ the German officer added. ”If anyone goes missing, you will all be shot, like dogs.“
The two disappeared. The doors clanked shut. We had fallen into the trap, up to our necks. The doors were nailed, the way back irrevocably cut off. The world had become a hermetically sealed cattle car.
THERE WAS A WOMAN among us, a certain Mrs. Schächter. She was in her fifties and her ten-year-old son was with her, crouched in a corner. Her husband and two older sons had been deported with the first transport, by mistake. The separation had totally shattered her.
I knew her well. A quiet, tense woman with piercing eyes, she had been a frequent guest in our house. Her husband was a pious man who spent most of his days and nights in the house of study. It was she who supported the family.
Mrs. Schächter had lost her mind. On the first day of the jour- ney, she had already begun to moan. She kept asking why she had been separated from her family. Later, her sobs and screams became hysterical.
On the third night, as we were sleeping, some of us sitting, huddled against each other, some of us standing, a piercing cry broke the silence:
”Fire! I see a fire! I see a fire!"
There was a moment of panic. Who had screamed? It was Mrs. Schächter. Standing in the middle of the car, in the faint light fil- tering through the windows, she looked like a withered tree in a field of wheat. She was howling, pointing through the window:
“Look! Look at this fire! This terrible fire! Have mercy on me!”
Some pressed against the bars to see. There was nothing. Only the darkness of night.
It took us a long time to recover from this harsh awakening. We were still trembling, and with every screech of the wheels, we felt the abyss opening beneath us. Unable to still our anguish, we tried to reassure each other:
“She is mad, poor woman…”
Someone had placed a damp rag on her forehead. But she nev- ertheless continued to scream:
“Fire! I see a fire!”
Her little boy was crying, clinging to her skirt, trying to hold her hand:
“It's nothing, Mother! There's nothing there…Please sit down…” He pained me even more than did his mother's cries.
Some of the women tried to calm her:
“You'll see, you'll find your husband and sons again…In a few days…”
She continued to scream and sob fitfully.
“Jews, listen to me,” she cried. “I see a fire! I see flames, huge flames!”
It was as though she were possessed by some evil spirit.
We tried to reason with her, more to calm ourselves, to catch our breath, than to soothe her:
“She is hallucinating because she is thirsty, poor woman… That's why she speaks of flames devouring her…”
But it was all in vain. Our terror could no longer be contained. Our nerves had reached a breaking point. Our very skin was aching. It was as though madness had infected all of us. We gave up. A few young men forced her to sit down, then bound and gagged her.
Silence fell again. The small boy sat next to his mother, crying. I started to breathe normally again as I listened to the rhythmic pounding of the wheels on the tracks as the train raced through the night. We could begin to doze again, to rest, to dream…
And so an hour or two passed. Another scream jolted us. The woman had broken free of her bonds and was shouting louder than before:
“Look at the fire! Look at the flames! Flames everywhere…”
Once again, the young men bound and gagged her. When they actually struck her, people shouted their approval:
“Keep her quiet! Make that madwoman shut up. She's not the only one here…”
She received several blows to the head, blows that could have been lethal. Her son was clinging desperately to her, not uttering a word. He was no longer crying.
The night seemed endless. By daybreak, Mrs. Schächter had settled down. Crouching in her corner, her blank gaze fixed on some faraway place, she no longer saw us.
She remained like that all day, mute, absent, alone in the midst of us. Toward evening she began to shout again:
“The fire, over there!” She was pointing somewhere in the distance, always the same place. No one felt like beating her anymore. The heat, the thirst, the stench, the lack of air, were suffocating us. Yet all that was nothing compared to her screams, which tore us apart. A few more days and all of us would have started to scream.
But we were pulling into a station. Someone near a window read to us:
“Auschwitz.”
Nobody had ever heard that name.
THE TRAIN did not move again. The afternoon went by slowly. Then the doors of the wagon slid open. Two men were given per- mission to fetch water.
When they came back, they told us that they had learned, in exchange for a gold watch, that this was the final destination. We were to leave the train here. There was a labor camp on the site. The conditions were good. Families would not be separated. Only the young would work in the factories. The old and the sick would find work in the fields.
Confidence soared. Suddenly we felt free of the previous nights' terror. We gave thanks to God.
Mrs. Schächter remained huddled in her corner, mute, un- touched by the optimism around her. Her little one was stroking her hand.
Dusk began to fill the wagon. We ate what was left of our food. At ten o'clock in the evening, we were all trying to find a position for a quick nap and soon we were dozing. Suddenly:
“Look at the fire! Look at the flames! Over there!”
; With a start, we awoke and rushed to the window yet again. We had believed her, if only for an instant. But there was nothing outside but darkness. We returned to our places, shame in our souls but fear gnawing at us nevertheless. As she went on howling, she was struck again. Only with great difficulty did we succeed in quieting her down.
The man in charge of our wagon called out to a German officer strolling down the platform, asking him to have the sick woman moved to a hospital car.
“Patience,” the German replied, “patience. She'll be taken there soon.”
Around eleven o'clock, the train began to move again. We pressed against the windows. The convoy was rolling slowly. A quarter of an hour later, it began to slow down even more. Through the windows, we saw barbed wire; we understood that this was the camp.
We had forgotten Mrs. Schächter's existence. Suddenly there was a terrible scream:
“Jews, look! Look at the fire! Look at the flames!”
And as the train stopped, this time we saw flames rising from a tall chimney into a black sky.
Mrs. Schächter had fallen silent on her own. Mute again, indifferent, absent, she had returned to her corner.
We stared at the flames in the darkness. A wretched stench floated in the air. Abruptly, our doors opened. Strange-looking creatures, dressed in striped jackets and black pants, jumped into the wagon. Holding flashlights and sticks, they began to strike at us left and right, shouting:
“Everybody out! Leave everything inside. Hurry up!”
We jumped out. I glanced at Mrs. Schächter. Her little boy was still holding her hand.
In front of us, those flames. In the air, the smell of burning flesh. It must have been around midnight. We had arrived. In Birkenau.
THE BELOVED OBJECTS that we had carried with us from place to place were now left behind in the wagon and, with them, finally, our illusions.
Every few yards, there stood an SS man, his machine gun trained on us. Hand in hand we followed the throng.
An SS came toward us wielding a club. He commanded:
“Men to the left! Women to the right!”
Eight words spoken quietly, indifferently, without emotion. Eight simple, short words. Yet that was the moment when I left my mother. There was no time to think, and I already felt my fa- ther's hand press against mine: we were alone. In a fraction of a second I could see my mother, my sisters, move to the right. Tzipora was holding Mother's hand. I saw them walking farther and farther away; Mother was stroking my sister's blond hair, as if to protect her. And I walked on with my father, with the men. I didn't know that this was the moment in time and the place where I was leaving my mother and Tzipora forever. I kept walk- ing, my father holding my hand.
Behind me, an old man fell to the ground. Nearby, an SS man replaced his revolver in its holster.
My hand tightened its grip on my father. All I could think of was not to lose him. Not to remain alone.
The SS officers gave the order.
“Form ranks of fives!”
There was a tumult. It was imperative to stay together.
“Hey, kid, how old are you?”
The man interrogating me was an inmate. I could not see his face, but his voice was weary and warm.
“Fifteen.” “No. You're eighteen.”
“But I'm not,” I said. “I'm fifteen.”
“Fool. Listen to what I say.”
Then he asked my father, who answered:
“I'm fifty.”
“No.” The man now sounded angry. “Not fifty. You're forty. Do you hear? Eighteen and forty.”
He disappeared into the darkness. Another inmate appeared, unleashing a stream of invectives:
“Sons of bitches, why have you come here? Tell me, why?”
Someone dared to reply: “What do you think? That we came here of our own free will? That we asked to come here?”
The other seemed ready to kill him:
“Shut up, you moron, or I'll tear you to pieces! You should have hanged yourselves rather than come here. Didn't you know what was in store for you here in Auschwitz? You didn't know? In 1944?”
True. We didn't know. Nobody had told us. He couldn't be- lieve his ears. His tone became even harsher:
"Over there. Do you see the chimney over there? Do you see it? And the flames, do you see them?“ (Yes, we saw the flames.) ”Over there, that's where they will take you. Over there will be your grave. You still don't understand? You sons of bitches. Don't you understand anything? You will be burned! Burned to a cinder! Turned into ashes!“
His anger changed into fury. We stood stunned, petrified. Could this be just a nightmare? An unimaginable nightmare?
I heard whispers around me:
”We must do something. We can't let them kill us like that, like cattle in the slaughterhouse. We must revolt.“
There were, among us, a few tough young men. They actually had knives and were urging us to attack the armed guards. One of them was muttering:
”Let the world learn about the existence of Auschwitz. Let everybody find out about it while they still have a chance to escape“
But the older men begged their sons not to be foolish:
”We mustn't give up hope, even now as the sword hangs over our heads. So taught our sages…“
The wind of revolt died down. We continued to walk until we came to a crossroads. Standing in the middle of it was, though I didn't know it then, Dr. Mengele, the notorious Dr. Mengele. He looked like the typical SS officer: a cruel, though not unintelli- gent, face, complete with monocle. He was holding a conductor's baton and was surrounded by officers. The baton was moving constantly, sometimes to the right, sometimes to the left.
In no time, I stood before him.
”Your age?“ he asked, perhaps trying to sound paternal.
”I'm eighteen.“ My voice was trembling.
”In good health?“
”Yes.“
”Your profession?"
Tell him that I was a student?
“Farmer,” I heard myself saying.
This conversation lasted no more than a few seconds. It seemed like an eternity.
The baton pointed to the left. I took half a step forward. I first wanted to see where they would send my father. Were he to have gone to the right, I would have run after him.
The baton, once more, moved to the left. A weight lifted from my heart.
We did not know, as yet, which was the better side, right or left, which road led to prison and which to the crematoria. Still, I was happy, I was near my father. Our procession continued slowly to move forward.
Another inmate came over to us:
“Satisfied?”
“Yes,” someone answered.
“Poor devils, you are heading for the crematorium.”
He seemed to be telling the truth. Not far from us, flames, huge flames, were rising from a ditch. Something was being burned there. A truck drew close and unloaded its hold: small children. Babies! Yes, I did see this, with my own eyes…children thrown into the flames. (Is it any wonder that ever since then, sleep tends to elude me?)
So that was where we were going. A little farther on, there was another, larger pit for adults.
I pinched myself: Was I still alive? Was I awake? How was it possible that men, women, and children were being burned and that the world kept silent? No. All this could not be real. A night- mare perhaps…Soon I would wake up with a start, my heart pounding, and find that I was back in the room of my childhood, with my books…
My father's voice tore me from my daydreams:
“What a shame, a shame that you did not go with your mother…I saw many children your age go with their mothers…”
His voice was terribly sad. I understood that he did not wish to see what they would do to me. He did not wish to see his only son go up in flames.
My forehead was covered with cold sweat. Still, I told him that I could not believe that human beings were being burned in our times; the world would n
ever tolerate such crimes…
“The world? The world is not interested in us. Today, every- thing is possible, even the crematoria…His voice broke.
”Father,“ I said. ”If that is true, then I don't want to wait. I'll run into the electrified barbed wire. That would be easier than a slow death in the flames.“
He didn't answer. He was weeping. His body was shaking. Everybody around us was weeping. Someone began to recite Kaddish, the prayer for the dead. I don't know whether, during the history of the Jewish people, men have ever before recited Kaddish for themselves.
”Yisgadal, veyiskadash, shmey raba…May His name be cele- brated and sanctified…" whispered my father.
For the first time, I felt anger rising within me. Why should I sanctify His name? The Almighty, the eternal and terrible Master of the Universe, chose to be silent. What was there to thank Him for?
We continued our march. We were coming closer and closer to the pit, from which an infernal heat was rising. Twenty more steps. If I was going to kill myself, this was the time. Our column had only some fifteen steps to go. I bit my lips so that my father would not hear my teeth chattering. Ten more steps. Eight. Seven. We were walking slowly, as one follows a hearse, our own funeral procession. Only four more steps. Three. There it was now, very close to us, the pit and its flames. I gathered all that remained of my strength in order to break rank and throw myself onto the barbed wire. Deep down, I was saying good-bye to my father, to the whole universe, and, against my will, I found myself whispering the words: “Yisgadal, veyiskadash, shmey raba…May His name be exalted and sanctified…” My heart was about to burst. There. I was face-to-face with the Angel of Death…
No. Two steps from the pit, we were ordered to turn left and herded into barracks.
I squeezed my father's hand. He said:
“Do you remember Mrs. Schächter, in the train?”
NEVER SHALL I FORGET that night, the first night in camp, that turned my life into one long night seven times sealed.