‘Found her!’ Jo whispered, clearly delighted.
Lisa looked less thrilled, and Allie wondered why she’d come. She’d been so reluctant in every conversation about it. Now she seemed unable to stand still, hopping nervously from one foot to another like an anxious dancer before a show, her eyes enormous in her delicate face. Allie gave her a sympathetic look, and then pointed at the door to the classroom wing.
Jo nodded.
‘What about Ruth?’ Allie whispered.
‘She’s late – we can’t wait.’
Allie turned the handle. If the door creaked, they were dead.
It swung open silently on hinges Gabe had oiled that afternoon.
They slipped through and then ran as fast as they could down the long corridor. The door at the end was marked with ominous, official-looking signs that warned of alarms and security; there were numbers to call in case of emergencies. Allie wondered if she dialled them, who would answer.
Standing still for one brief moment, they exchanged a look in the shadows, then one at a time they each put a hand on the door, and at Jo’s nod, they pushed it.
The door opened without a sound.
Rushing through, they tumbled onto a path covered in gravel that cut into their bare feet. They all hopped around in comedic fashion pulling on their shoes and trying not to cry out. Thinking how ridiculous they must look to anyone watching, Allie stifled a giggle.
‘GoGoGo!’ Jo whispered, and they ran recklessly into the night, reaching out for each other until all three held hands.
By the time they reached the treeline, Jo and Lisa were winded, and they stopped for a moment to catch their breath. Allie was anxious – they were still too close to the school.
‘Which way from here?’ she hissed. Jo nodded towards the right, and Allie motioned for them to move. They continued on at a slower pace.
At first, the woods were almost completely silent, but gradually Allie began to notice rustling noises and the sound of snapping twigs. Reaching out for Jo, she squeezed her hand and nodded in the direction of the sounds. She could see Jo’s white teeth in the darkness as she smiled.
‘The others,’ she whispered.
As they put distance between themselves and the school, people were less careful, and soon they could hear other sounds: muffled giggles, occasional whispered oaths as somebody tripped, fake bird calls followed by more smothered laughter. Allie felt the tension between her shoulder blades begin to ease.
Jo stopped so suddenly that Allie and Lisa nearly tripped over her.
‘We’re here,’ she whispered, and disappeared behind a shrub. Peering around in the darkness Allie couldn’t see a pond – just trees and brush. But she and Lisa followed Jo into a hiding spot.
‘Why are we hiding?’ Lisa whispered.
‘Nobody can know who’s here until midnight,’ Jo said. ‘It’s tradition.’
‘How do you know all this?’ Allie asked.
‘My brother told me all about it when he was here,’ Jo explained.
Jo had a watch with a glow-in-the-dark dial, and the three stood looking at it as the minute hand moved inexorably to midnight.
‘Where’s Ruth?’ Allie asked.
Jo held out her empty hands. ‘She was supposed to meet us either in the school or along the way, so I presume she’s here already somewhere.’ She checked the watch.
‘Nearly,’ she whispered, grinning widely. ‘Get ready.’
Allie could feel Lisa trembling. She longed to comfort her but she was too scared herself. She took a deep breath and looked out towards where she presumed the pond must be.
Am I really going to do this? I mean, who skinny-dips anyway? Isn’t that something that only happens in films?
At that moment, a deep male voice rang out in the silence making her jump. ‘It’s time, kids. Drop trou.’
As Allie and Lisa hesitated, Jo started undoing her shorts, but when she saw that they hadn’t moved she paused and gave them a warning look.
‘You may as well,’ she said. ‘At this point, it would be worse going back without doing it.’
Lisa and Allie exchanged a look of dread. ‘I will if you will,’ Lisa said finally.
Allie could now hear people splashing into water and screaming with laughter. She sighed heavily.
‘Oh, what the hell.’ As she pulled down her tracksuit bottoms, Jo cheered and ripped off her shorts. In seconds they were all naked. Lisa and Allie crossed their arms protectively across their breasts, but Jo grabbed their hands.
‘If you’re going to do it, do it proudly,’ she said, pulling them out onto the path.
In the dark, Allie saw only flashes of skin as people jumped into and out of a pond she couldn’t quite make out in the gloom.
‘On three,’ Jo said, giggling. ‘One. Two …’
They leapt into the dark water, hitting with an icy splash. Allie, who could only barely see the pond in the black night, heard the loud shrieks of laughter around her muffled into silence as she sank below the surface. She was surprised by how deep it was – she’d never been a strong swimmer. As she splashed towards the surface a sudden flash memory came to her: a hot sunny day. She was seven, and Christopher was teasing her for sinking like a stone in the pool. ‘You run like a rabbit, but you also swim like a rabbit …’ he’d laughed while she paddled wildly.
When she came up for air now, sputtering and shivering, she couldn’t see Jo or Lisa anywhere.
‘Jo?’
How had she lost them in seconds? But the pond was crowded with laughing students – none of whom looked familiar. As she thrashed in the cold water looking for a familiar face, Allie grew increasingly panicked. She was alone and naked in a lake full of strangers. Hot tears of fear and shame burned her eyes. Suddenly she realised she was struggling to breathe. She hadn’t had a panic attack in weeks, but now she wheezed three laboured breaths in a row as she fought to stay afloat.
I can’t … breathe …
She went under for just a second, and kicked hard to find the surface again. Under the water, somebody’s foot hit her shin hard and pain shot through her leg. She didn’t cry out – she didn’t have enough air left.
Again the cold water closed over her head, and again she tried to make her way up. But this time two strong hands grabbed her shoulders and pulled her to the surface. Gratitude rushed through her, but then she saw who was helping her and she struggled to free herself while trying to cover her breasts with her hands.
‘You’re OK, Allie. Look at me,’ Carter’s voice was calm and commanding, and his eyes were locked on hers. ‘Breathe slowly through your nose. Don’t look away. Breathe slowly.’
She tried to explain to him that she was dying but no words would come out.
‘Breathe in,’ he said, demonstrating, his eyes willing her to try. ‘And now out.’ He blew air out forcefully.
When she tried to do what he asked she only wheezed ineffectually, and she felt a wave of fear. She wasn’t going to make it.
But that’s OK, really. If I can just rest for a second …
Her eyes fluttered shut and darkness seemed to blanket her.
When Carter slapped her face it startled her so much that she took a sharp reflexive breath, that burst of oxygen revived her hope.
‘You can do this, Allie. Breathe with me.’ She could sense that he was trying to keep his voice steady, and it struck her that she really could die.
He took a deep breath, and she tried to do the same. This time a little air entered her lungs.
‘Good!’ he said. ‘Again.’
A deeper breath, and she could feel the tightness in her chest begin to loosen. He urged her on but she was trembling violently now and on the fourth successful breath she burst into tears.
‘You’re OK, Allie,’ Carter said, putting his arms gently around her shoulder. ‘Just keep breathing.’
Shielding her body with his, he led her out of the water to shore. She could hear people laughing and splashing around th
em, but she didn’t know or care if they were laughing at her.
His voice was gentle. ‘Where are your clothes, Allie?’
‘I don’t know,’ she whispered hoarsely.
He half-smiled. ‘Why am I not surprised to hear that?’ He helped her off the path into relative privacy behind a large tree. ‘Stay here. I’ll find something for you to wear.’
As he walked into the shadows, she watched the muscles move in his hips and back, and forced herself to keep breathing.
He’s beautiful, she thought.
When he reappeared a few minutes later he’d put on a pair of shorts. In his hands he carried a guy’s shirt and a pair of girls’ shorts.
‘This is the best I can do,’ he said apologetically.
Since he was shirtless, she had a feeling the guy’s shirt he’d brought was his own.
She turned away as she pulled on the shorts, then turned back towards him and held out her hand for the shirt. He handed it to her wordlessly. She couldn’t see his face in the darkness, but as she shrugged on the over-sized shirt she felt her heart pound in her chest so loudly that she thought he must surely be able to hear it.
‘Ready?’ She noticed his voice shook.
‘Yes.’
Reaching for her hand, he helped her out of her hiding place and onto the path. The warmth of his hand was comforting – his fingers were strong, and she clung to them.
‘I couldn’t find any shoes for you,’ he said anxiously. ‘This might be hard on your feet – do you want to wear mine? Or I could carry you?’
Though the sharp pebbles cut into her feet, she shook her head. ‘I’m OK,’ she said.
As they walked away from the lake the noise and laughter faded behind them. After a few minutes, the only sound they could hear was their own breathing. Carter still held her hand.
When she was certain they were alone, Allie stopped and looked up at him. ‘Carter … Thank you.’
Dropping her hand, he looked down at the ground. ‘It was nothing.’
‘No, Carter.’ She grabbed his hand back. When he looked at her, his eyes were so vulnerable she couldn’t tear hers away. ‘It was something.’
They stared at each other for a long moment but just as he started to speak …
‘Allie! Carter!’ Jo’s voice broke the spell as she raced up the path towards them with Gabe and Lisa right behind her.
Grabbing Allie by the shoulders Jo gave her a worried shake. ‘Where have you been? Are you OK? I looked for you everywhere.’
Even as she nodded, Allie felt the unwanted tears begin again.
‘I couldn’t find you. Carter helped me …’ She turned to look at him, but he was gone.
‘… out,’ she whispered.
Breakfast the next morning was a muted affair – the students who’d spent much of the night in the woods were easily identifiable by their bed-hair and the circles under their eyes. Jo and Allie sat in near silence with Lisa yawning beside them. None of them was hungry. Allie clutched a steaming cup of tea as if it were the only thing keeping her alive, while Jo shredded a piece of toast into minute particles.
Allie had spent the night on the floor in Jo’s room after they’d crept back into the school unnoticed using the same door through which they’d departed an hour earlier.
They’d talked until four in the morning, after which she told Jo she felt better, but she didn’t really.
I mean how do you get over having a naked panic attack in front of half the school?
At least she now knew what had happened after they jumped into the pond. During the night, Jo told her the whole story. How Gabe and Lucas had been in the water and had spotted the girls as they ran to the water. That Gabe had grabbed Jo as soon as she’d hit the surface and pulled her over to where they were swimming near a tree. How she’d managed to hold on to Lisa and pull her along even while Lisa tried to hide from Lucas. And how in all the commotion she’d lost Allie.
‘The pond filled up with people so fast and it was so dark, when I went back to where we started, or where I thought we’d started, I couldn’t find you anywhere,’ Jo said. It was Jules and Ruth who eventually told her that they’d seen Allie with Carter, and that Allie looked ill. ‘Ruth had gone with Jules in the end, because Jules didn’t want to go on her own. And Jules thought we’d been drinking and that that’s why you were ill, and she gave me a bollocking, which is why it took me ages to find you.’
‘I never saw Sylvain there, but then I didn’t see anyone, really,’ Allie said.
‘I don’t think he was there,’ Jo said. ‘But just about everybody else was.’
Allie, who had prepared a bed of coats and sweaters on the floor, buried her face in Jo’s spare pillow. ‘I wonder how many people saw me freak out?’
Up on the bed, Jo stretched out flat and yawned. ‘Not many, that’s for sure. It seemed like nobody saw you all night except Jules.’
‘But she’ll tell everyone.’
‘She won’t. She’s a prefect. She has, like, a duty to support you, or something,’ Jo said. ‘Anyway, what exactly happened?’
Allie explained about the panic attack and how Carter had rescued her. She didn’t talk about the way she’d felt when he pulled her from the water and helped her breathe. Or about watching him walk away in the moonlight. Instead she’d focused on how calm he was, and how coolly he’d handled the crisis.
Jo thought for a moment, and when she spoke her answer was carefully phrased. ‘People here have a weird thing with Carter because he acts like he’s better than everyone, and because he has really upset a lot of girls over the years – pretending he likes them and then suddenly not liking them any more. And, you know, he does his own thing. I’m actually kind of surprised he was down at the pond at all tonight, or last night …’ she looked at the clock. ‘… this morning. Whenever. Because that’s the kind of scene he usually avoids. So people think he’s standoffish. But he can be a good guy – he really can.’
She yawned widely. ‘Lots of people know he doesn’t like them or that he thinks they’re shallow. He makes it obvious.’
‘That’s what I like about him,’ Allie had murmured, closing her eyes. ‘He’s so honest.’
‘Honesty can be good,’ Jo said, turning out the lamp. Her last words floated out of the darkness, disembodied. ‘But it can be bad, too.’
Now, as they sat stirring cereal around their bowls, nobody seemed to have anything to say. Lisa was the most cheerful of them all – she’d survived the splash, and Lucas had walked her back to the school building afterwards. She thought he was starting to like her. But even she was tired.
‘God, I’m so going to need a nap before tonight,’ she said, resting her head on her hand. ‘I’m a wreck.’
‘I feel like arse,’ Jo said succinctly, reaching for the sugar. ‘Who knew sleep mattered?’
‘Arse about sums it up for me too,’ Allie said, sipping the scalding tea and yawning. Nobody had said anything to her about last night, and there’d been no whispering when she walked in the dining room. Maybe Jo was right and it had been so dark and crowded nobody’d seen her losing it last night.
By tradition, classes ended at noon on the day of the summer ball. Through her morning classes Allie fought to stay awake, taking notes that would later make no sense to her at all.
Carter studiously ignored her in biology, and in English she dozed off while waiting for the class to start and never saw him come in. When she looked up, he was there but not looking at her. It was just as well. In eight hours she was going to the dance with Sylvain. This really wasn’t the time to be thinking about standing in the water with his arms around her. Naked.
She straightened the papers on her desk and pulled her textbook out of her bag.
No – not the time at all.
Isabelle had taken her place at the edge of the circle of desks.
She glanced around the room knowingly. ‘My, some of you look very tired. Didn’t you sleep well?’
They
shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Somebody snickered.
‘I heard there was a kerfuffle at the pond last night. I do hope you weren’t disturbed.’ More nervous laughter. The headmistress’ expression was enigmatic as she pulled on her glasses.
‘I’m sure that most of you are daydreaming of dancing in the arms of your dates but we must get through today’s class nonetheless,’ she said, opening her book. ‘So I thought we would talk about romance today. Let’s open with a beautiful poem about secret love. “Silentium Amoris” was written by Oscar Wilde, who you probably think of more for his humour, but this is a straightforward and simply beautiful story of love.’
She read the first two stanzas in her rich, powerful voice. Lost in the flowery prose, Allie almost instantly tuned out, drawing a sleepy butterfly on her notebook. She was giving its wings elaborate decoration when she heard her name.
Confused, she sat up straighter. Everyone was looking at her. ‘Sorry?’ she said, flushing.
‘Good morning,’ Isabelle said tartly as the class tittered. ‘I said, would you mind reading the third stanza for me.’
Standing, Allie picked up her book and cleared her throat and began reading – she started quickly, but slowed as the words began to take shape.
‘But surely unto thee mine eyes did show
Why I am silent, and my lute unstrung;
Else it were better we should part, and go,
Thou to some lips of sweeter melody,
And I to nurse the barren memory
Of unkissed kisses, and songs never sung.’
An unaccountable wave of sadness washed over her. She thought for a second she might cry, but fought the urge.
What the hell is wrong with me?
‘What does that poem say to you, Allie.’
Horrified to find Isabelle was still focusing on her, Allie tried to think of what to say.
Her voice was nearly a whisper. ‘He’s afraid to tell somebody how he feels about them, but it makes him sad that the other person doesn’t know how he feels.’
‘And why would he be afraid to tell this other person of his feelings?’ Isabelle said.
‘Because she might not feel the same way he does.’ Somehow, the fact that it was Carter who answered that question didn’t surprise Allie, who dropped her eyes to her notebook as her pen drew small, interlinking circles around the butterfly. ‘So he thinks it’s better never to find out if that’s the case.’