"Yes, Mr. Parkette?"
Inspiration struck. "I'd like to report a case of indecent exposure." "Indecent exposure," Sergeant Hall repeated.
"Yes. There's a man mowing my lawn. He's in the, uh, altogether." "You mean he's naked?" Sergeant Hall asked, politely incredulous.
"Naked!" Harold agreed, holding tightly to the frayed ends of his sanity. "Nude. Unclothed. Bare-assed. On my front lawn. Now will you get somebody the hell over here?"
"That address was 1421 West Endicott?" Sergeant Hall asked bemusedly. "East!" Harold yelled. "For God's sake--"
"And you say he's definitely naked? You are able to observe his, uh, genitals and so on?"
Harold tried to speak and could only gargle. The sound of the insane lawnmower seemed to be growing louder and louder, drowning out everything in the universe. He felt his gorge rise.
"Can you speak up?" Sergeant Hall buzzed. "There's an awfully noisy connection there at your end--" The front door crashed open.
Harold looked around and saw the lawnmower man's mechanized familiar advancing through the door. Behind it came the lawnmower man himself, still quite naked. With something approaching true insanity, Harold saw the man's pubic hair was a rich fertile green. He was twirling his baseball cap on one finger.
"That was a mistake, buddy," the lawnmower man said reproachfully. "You shoulda stuck with God bless the grass." "Hello? Hello, Mr. Parkette--"
The telephone dropped from Harold's nerveless fingers as the lawnmower began to advance on him, cutting through the nap of Carla's new Mohawk rug and spitting out brown hunks of fiber as it came.
Harold stared at it with a kind of bird-and-snake fascination until it reached the coffee table. When the mower shunted it aside, shearing one leg into sawdust and splinters as it did so, he climbed over the back of his chair and began to retreat toward the kitchen, dragging the chair in front of him.
"That won't do any good, buddy," the lawnmower man said kindly. "Apt to be messy, too. Now if you was just to show me where you keep your sharpest butcher knife, we could get this sacrifice business out of the way real painless . . . I think
the birdbath would do . . . and then--"
Harold shoved the chair at the lawnmower, which had been craftily flanking him while the naked man drew his attention, and bolted through the doorway. The lawnmower roared around the chair, jetting out exhaust, and as Harold smashed open the porch screen door and leaped down the steps, he heard it--smelled it, felt it--right at his heels.
The lawnmower roared off the top step like a skier going off a jump. Harold sprinted across his newly cut back lawn, but there had been too many beers, too many afternoon naps. He could sense it nearing him, then on his heels, and then he looked over his shoulder and tripped over his own feet.
The last thing Harold Parkette saw was the grinning grill of the charging lawnmower, rocking back to reveal its flashing, green-stained blades, and above it the fat face of the lawnmower man, shaking his head in good-natured reproof.
"Hell of a thing," Lieutenant Goodwin said as the last of the photographs were taken. He nodded to the two men in white, and they trundled their basket across the lawn. "He reported some naked guy on his lawn not two hours ago."
"Is that so?" Patrolman Cooley asked.
"Yeah. One of the neighbors called in, too. Guy named Castonmeyer. He thought it was Parkette himself. Maybe it was, Cooley. Maybe it was."
"Sir?"
"Crazy with the heat," Lieutenant Goodwin said gravely, and tapped his temple. "Schizo-fucking-phrenia." "Yes sir," Cooley said respectfully.
"Where's the rest of him?" one of the white-coats asked.
"The birdbath," Goodwin said. He looked profoundly up at the sky. "Did you say the birdbath?" the white-coat asked.
"Indeed I did," Lieutenant Goodwin agreed. Patrolman Cooley looked at the birdbath and suddenly lost most of his tan. "Sex maniac," Lieutenant Goodwin said. "Must have been."
"Prints?" Cooley asked thickly.
"You might as well ask for footprints," Goodwin said. He gestured at the newly cut grass. Patrolman Cooley made a strangled noise in his throat.
Lieutenant Goodwin stuffed his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. "The world," he said gravely, "is full of nuts. Never forget that, Cooley. Schizos. Lab boys say somebody chased Parkette through his own living room with a lawnmower. Can you imagine that?"
"No sir," Cooley said.
Goodwin looked out over Harold Parkette's neatly manicured lawn. "Well, like the man said when he saw the black-haired Swede, it surely is a Norse of a different color."
Goodwin strolled around the house and Cooley followed him. Behind them, the scent of newly mown grass hung pleasantly in the air.
QUITTERS, INC.
Morrison was waiting for someone who was hung up in the air traffic jam over Kennedy International when he saw a familiar face at the end of the bar and walked down.
"Jimmy? Jimmy McCann?"
It was. A little heavier than when Morrison had seen him at the Atlanta Exhibition the year before, but otherwise he looked awesomely fit. In college he had been a thin, pallid chain smoker buried behind huge horn-rimmed glasses. He had apparently switched to contact lenses.
"Dick Morrison?"
"Yeah. You look great." He extended his hand and they shook.
"So do you," McCann said, but Morrison knew it was a lie. He had been overworking, overeating, and smoking too much. "What are you drinking?"
"Bourbon and bitters," Morrison said. He hooked his feet around a bar stool and lighted a cigarette. "Meeting someone, Jimmy?"
"No. Going to Miami for a conference. A heavy client. Bills six million. I'm supposed to hold his hand because we lost out on a big special next spring."
"Are you still with Crager and Barton?" "Executive veep now."
"Fantastic! Congratulations! When did all this happen?" He tried to tell himself that the little worm of jealousy in his stomach was just acid indigestion. He pulled out a roll of antacid pills and crunched one in his mouth.
"Last August. Something happened that changed my life." He looked speculatively at Morrison and sipped his drink. "You might be interested."
My God, Morrison thought with an inner wince. Jimmy McCann's got religion. "Sure," he said, and gulped at his drink when it came.
"I wasn't in very good shape," McCann said. "Personal problems with Sharon, my dad died--heart attack--and I'd developed this hacking cough. Bobby Crager dropped by my office one day and gave me a fatherly little pep talk. Do you remember what those are like?"
"Yeah." He had worked at Crager and Barton for eighteen months before joining the Morton Agency. "Get your butt in gear or get your butt out."
McCann laughed. "You know it. Well, to put the capper on it, the doc told me I had an incipient ulcer. He told me to quit smoking." McCann grimaced. "Might as well tell me to quit breathing."
Morrison nodded in perfect understanding. Nonsmokers could afford to be smug. He looked at his own cigarette with distaste and stubbed it out, knowing he would be lighting another in five minutes.
"Did you quit?" He asked.
"Yes, I did. At first I didn't think I'd be able to--I was cheating like hell. Then I met a guy who told me about an outfit over on Forty-sixth Street. Specialists. I said what do I have to lose and went over. I haven't smoked since."
Morrison's eyes widened. "What did they do? Fill you full of some drug?"
"No." He had taken out his wallet and was rummaging through it. "Here it is. I knew I had one kicking around." He laid a plain white business card on the bar between them.
QUITTERS, INC.
Stop Going Up in Smoke! 237 East 46th Street Treatments by Appointment
"Keep it, if you want," McCann said. "They'll cure you. Guaranteed." "How?"
"I can't tell you," McCann said. "Huh? Why not?"
"It's part of the contract they make you sign. Anyway, they tell you how it works when they interview you." "You signed a contract?"
/>
McCann nodded.
"And on the basis of that--"
"Yep." He smiled at Morrison, who thought: Well, it's happened. Jim McCann has joined the smug bastards.
"Why the great secrecy if this outfit is so fantastic? How come I've never seen any spots on TV, billboards, magazine ads
--"
"They get all the clients they can handle by word of mouth." "You're an advertising man, Jimmy. You can't believe that."
"I do," McCann said. "They have a ninety-eight percent cure rate."
"Wait a second," Morrison said. He motioned for another drink and lit a cigarette. "Do these guys strap you down and
make you smoke until you throw up?" "No."
"Give you something so that you get sick every time you light--"
"No, it's nothing like that. Go and see for yourself." He gestured at Morrison's cigarette. "You don't really like that, do you?"
"Nooo, but--"
"Stopping really changed things for me," McCann said. "I don't suppose it's the same for everyone, but with me it was just like dominoes falling over. I felt better and my relationship with Sharon improved. I had more energy, and my job performance picked up."
"Look, you've got my curiosity aroused. Can't you just--"
"I'm sorry, Dick. I really can't talk about it." His voice was firm. "Did you put on any weight?"
For a moment he thought Jimmy McCann looked almost grim. "Yes. A little too much, in fact. But I took it off again. I'm about right now. I was skinny before."
"Flight 206 now boarding at Gate 9," the loudspeaker announced.
"That's me," McCann said, getting up. He tossed a five on the bar. "Have another, if you like. And think about what I said, Dick. Really." And then he was gone, making his way through the crowd to the escalators. Morrison picked up the card, looked at it thoughtfully, then tucked it away in his wallet and forgot it.
The card fell out of his wallet and onto another bar a month later. He had left the office early and had come here to drink the afternoon away. Things had not been going so well at the Morton Agency. In fact, things were bloody horrible.
He gave Henry a ten to pay for his drink, then picked up the small card and reread it--237 East Forty-sixth Street was only two blocks over; it was a cool, sunny October day outside, and maybe, just for chuckles--
When Henry brought his change, he finished his drink and then went for a walk.
Quitters, Inc., was in a new building where the monthly rent on office space was probably close to Morrison's yearly salary. From the directory in the lobby, it looked to him like their offices took up one whole floor, and that spelled money. Lots of it. He took the elevator up and stepped off into a lushly carpeted foyer and from there into a gracefully appointed reception room with a wide window that looked out on the scurrying bugs below. Three men and one woman sat in the chairs along the
walls, reading magazines. Business types, all of them. Morrison went to the desk.
"A friend gave me this," he said, passing the card to the receptionist. "I guess you'd say he's an alumnus." She smiled and rolled a form into her typewriter. "What is your name, sir?"
"Richard Morrison."
Clack-clackety-clack. But very muted clacks; the typewriter was an IBM. "Your address?"
"Twenty-nine Maple Lane, Clinton, New York." "Married?"
"Yes." "Children?"
"One." He thought of Alvin and frowned slightly. "One" was the wrong word. "A half" might be better. His son was mentally retarded and lived at a special school in New Jersey.
"Who recommended us to you, Mr. Morrison?" "An old school friend. James McCann."
"Very good. Will you have a seat? It's been a very busy day." "All right."
He sat between the woman, who was wearing a severe blue suit, and a young executive type wearing a herringbone jacket and modish sideburns. He took out his pack of cigarettes, looked around, and saw there were no ashtrays.
He put the pack away again. That was all right. He would see this little game through and then light up while he was leaving. He might even tap some ashes on their maroon shag rug if they made him wait long enough. He picked up a copy of Time and began to leaf through it.
He was called a quarter of an hour later, after the woman in the blue suit. His nicotine center was speaking quite loudly now. A man who had come in after him took out a cigarette case, snapped it open, saw there were no ashtrays, and put it away--looking a little guilty, Morrison thought. It made him feel better.
At last the receptionist gave him a sunny smile and said, "Go right in, Mr. Morrison."
Morrison walked through the door beyond her desk and found himself in an indirectly lit hallway. A heavyset man with white hair that looked phony shook his hand, smiled affably, and said, "Follow me, Mr. Morrison."
He led Morrison past a number of closed, unmarked doors and then opened one of them about halfway down the hall with a key. Beyond the door was an austere little room walled with drilled white cork panels. The only furnishings were a desk with a chair on either side. There was what appeared to be a small oblong window in the wall behind the desk, but it was covered with a short green curtain. There was a picture on the wall to Morrison's left--a tall man with iron-gray hair. He was holding a sheet of paper in one hand. He looked vaguely familiar.
"I'm Vic Donatti," the heavyset man said. "If you decide to go ahead with our program, I'll be in charge of your case." "Pleased to know you," Morrison said. He wanted a cigarette very badly.
"Have a seat."
Donatti put the receptionist's form on the desk, and then drew another form from the desk drawer. He looked directly into
Morrison's eyes. "Do you want to quit smoking?"
Morrison cleared his throat, crossed his legs, and tried to think of a way to equivocate. He couldn't. "Yes," he said.
"Will you sign this?" He gave Morrison the form. He scanned it quickly. The undersigned agrees not to divulge the methods or techniques or et cetera, et cetera.
"Sure," he said, and Donatti put a pen in his hand. He scratched his name, and Donatti signed below it. A moment later the paper disappeared back into the desk drawer. Well, he thought ironically, I've taken the pledge. He had taken it before. Once it had lasted for two whole days.
"Good," Donatti said. "We don't bother with propaganda here, Mr. Morrison. Questions of health or expense or social grace. We have no interest in why you want to stop smoking. We are pragmatists."
"Good," Morrison said blankly.
"We employ no drugs. We employ no Dale Carnegie people to sermonize you. We recommend no special diet. And we accept no payment until you have stopped smoking for one year."
"My God," Morrison said.
"Mr. McCann didn't tell you that?" "No."
"How is Mr. McCann, by the way? Is he well?" "He's fine."
"Wonderful. Excellent. Now . . . just a few questions, Mr. Morrison. These are somewhat personal, but I assure you that your answers will be held in strictest confidence."
"Yes?" Morrison asked noncommittally. "What is your wife's name?"
"Lucinda Morrison. Her maiden name was Ramsey." "Do you love her?"
Morrison looked up sharply, but Donatti was looking at him blandly. "Yes, of course," he said. "Have you ever had marital problems? A separation, perhaps?"
"What has that got to do with kicking the habit?" Morrison asked. He sounded a little angrier than he had intended, but he wanted--hell, he needed--a cigarette.
"A great deal," Donatti said. "Just bear with me."
"No. Nothing like that." Although things had been a little tense just lately. "You just have the one child?"
"Yes. Alvin. He's in a private school." "And which school is it?"
"That," Morrison said grimly, "I'm not going to tell you."
"All right," Donatti said agreeably. He smiled disarmingly at Morrison. "All your questions will be answered tomorrow at your first treatment."
"How nice," Morrison said, and stood.
"O
ne final question," Donatti said. "You haven't had a cigarette for over an hour. How do you feel?" "Fine," Morrison lied. "Just fine."
"Good for you!" Donatti exclaimed. He stepped around the desk and opened the door. "Enjoy them tonight. After tomorrow, you'll never smoke again."
"Is that right?"
"Mr. Morrison," Donatti said solemnly, "we guarantee it."
He was sitting in the outer office of Quitters, Inc., the next day promptly at three. He had spent most of the day swinging between skipping the appointment the receptionist had made for him on the way out and going in a spirit of mulish cooperation--Throw your best pitch at me, buster.
In the end, something Jimmy McCann had said convinced him to keep the appointment--It changed my whole life. God knew his own life could do with some changing. And then there was his own curiosity. Before going up in the elevator, he smoked a cigarette down to the filter. Too damn bad if it's the last one, he thought. It tasted horrible.