"It does. We do it often to soothe our children, but it has a similar effect on adults. Though if you ever offer to play with my ears when I'm in a temper, I will skewer you with a rusty blade."
Uthe smiled. When Kel shifted, Uthe knew the Fae Lord had reached his limit for the familiarity, but when he stopped doing it, Keldwyn didn't shift away. Instead he helped Uthe to his feet, and grunted at him to lift his arms so he could strip the unlaced tunic off him. Kel rested a brief hand on his chest. "We'll wash up in the stream," he said. "Take off the rest."
Since Keldwyn started to strip, Uthe complied, pushing the half removed leggings off with the boots. When he swayed, Kel's hand was on his hip, steadying him. The Fae's expression indicated it was a courtesy, but he didn't take the heat of his palm away as Uthe straightened.
"They say vampires are sometimes faster than Fae," Keldwyn noted. "But I have not found that to be true. You've never beaten me back to the estate during your morning sun ritual."
"I've never been racing against you."
"True enough. Let us race to the stream. We have both just climaxed, so that's an even handicap."
Given it didn't seem to have rocked Kel's world to its physical foundations, Uthe wouldn't agree, but he wouldn't argue that. He still hadn't had blood, so that was an acceptable reason for his knees to be shaky. He could level the playing field another way, though. In a flash, he'd knocked Keldwyn off his feet with a feint and side slam, and bolted for the pond.
He beat him by a stride. They splashed into the water, and Uthe was pleased to see the Fae Lord grinning. "A vampire must cheat to win."
"Leveling the playing field is not cheating. It's keeping your opponent honest. If such a thing is possible when talking about a Fae."
"Fanged barbarian."
"Pretentious fop."
Keldwyn's slim brows lifted nearly to his hairline. "An insult more appropriate to earlier time periods."
"I learn from all eras, my lord." The stream was waist deep in the middle, so Uthe could comfortably stand in it. Looking down, he saw brightly colored fish and a snakelike thing swimming around his feet. Like the insects, the fish were populated with similarly shaped Fae, who looked like tiny mermaids with whiskers and double-lidded eyes that studied him with interest.
Dropping to one knee in the shallow water, he spread his hands out so the tiny fish and Fae merfolk swam around them, investigating before drifting onward. He was of no consequence, just an obstacle. Feeling Keldwyn's gaze on him, he closed his eyes, thinking of all the things the Fae had opened up in him. All this time, he'd learned to contain his feelings with prayer and meditation. He'd learned the value of silence, and of knowing what to say, precisely as it should be said. All in the service of God.
But there were times when the need to communicate, to speak something aloud in the presence of one who could accept it, witness it, acknowledge the sheer weight it held on his soul and perhaps understand it, was needed. It was a type of spiritual nourishment too. He had struck at Keldwyn with words because he knew how to use them as weapons, but Uthe knew they should never be used as a shield to keep him from facing truth. He'd done that when he rejected Della as a blood source. Keldwyn had not pursued it, giving him space. Being a friend. As odd as it was to finally say that in his mind, it was the truth, too. The Fae Lord was a friend, a good one.
Uthe needed to make amends. He accepted the pain of saying his next words aloud as his penance.
"I will not drink from a child, because my father did," he said. "Because when I was a fledgling, he made me hold them down while he drank their blood and then killed them. He said I had a way of calming them. He liked their fear only at the beginning, not during the meal or the finish. I would hold their wrists pinned, and I would speak to them, tell them to look at me. I would tell them it was all right, that he was just going to drink from them until they fell asleep... Their small fingers would scrape at my closed hand, trying to hold onto me because I convinced them I could somehow make it all better."
When he felt Keldwyn draw close, he spoke through stiff lips.
"You gave me a gift just now, Kel, and my heart is so wide open I'm bleeding. So don't take this the wrong way, but I can't be touched when I'm talking about this. Especially by you, because I don't want to give the nightmares of my past a chance to taint the way I feel when you touch me. It's a treasure I can't bear to lose."
He moved toward the shore. "I need to feed. We should get to that portal you mentioned." Without a look back, he strode out of the water and back to his clothes.
Chapter Twelve
Keldwyn made his good-byes to Catriona. Uthe stood at a distance, watching as the young Fae wound her arms around him and held him tightly. When Kel tilted her head up with a hand on her face, speaking to her in a steady, quiet tone, Uthe was sure once more that Catriona was aware of the gravity of this particular departure, no matter that Keldwyn hadn't spoken of the details. She clung to him as he bent his head over hers again, kissed her crown, and then eased away from her, striding toward Uthe. Della ran to her side, wrapping her arms around the fairy, a fistful of flowers crushed against her hip. The unicorn nudged them back toward the water, the dragon making tight, protective circles around them.
Catriona let herself be led, but she looked over her shoulder, watching them until Keldwyn was out of her sight. Uthe noticed Keldwyn didn't look back, his shoulders set. He led Uthe down a trail into a forest filled with the iridescent light of small firefly Fae and flowers that bloomed in shade. While Uthe suspected they could only survive in the Fae world, he hoped Lyssa had had the opportunity to see these flowers, since anything that could blossom in the dark was of interest to her.
"She loves you deeply," he remarked.
Keldwyn said nothing. Uthe sighed. "The Shattered World is an uncharted part of the Fae world, my lord. You have never been there. It therefore makes no sense for you to follow me into it. If no one can navigate it, then your guidance adds no value. You should leave me once we reach the gates."
"If that is the case, it is pointless for you to enter it, is it not? How will you find a detached head in a world that gives you no clear markers to follow?"
"Because I'm blood linked to it."
Keldwyn came to a stop and turned to face him. "What?"
"Shahnaz injected the head with my blood, and had me give it the first and second marks we give to servants. I also ingested some of its blood before she placed it in the Shattered World. Even from that dimension, I can hear the demon's voice, as well as John's, when he chooses to speak."
Keldwyn studied him. "So all this time," he said slowly, "you have had the demon's voice in your head. You have had to manage its manipulations while the Ennui has been advancing?"
Leave it to Keldwyn to zero right in on the main issue. "Yes. I've been able to control his influence in my mind, the same way I would a marked human. For the most part. The fortunate thing is that the voices in my head are distinct from my own consciousness. Otherwise, I'd be more muddled than I already am at times." He said it lightly, not expecting any humor in return. He wasn't disappointed. He could feel Keldwyn's incredulous stare burning into him, but Uthe shifted his gaze back to the path. "We should keep going."
Keldwyn put out a hand, stopping him. "There have been times I thought someone else was talking to you when we were together. At first I thought you shared a mind link with another vampire, like Lyssa or Evan, but I expected you would have made casual comments about such communications. There is usually a certain tension that radiates off you when it happens. That is the demon, is it not?"
"Yes, probably. He keeps me on my toes. At times, when he's gotten bored, he's even listened in on some Council meetings and offered his opinion on what we're debating." Uthe's lips twisted. "He's actually come up with the same solutions we have once or twice. He's clever as well as evil. Hence the need to always stay on guard when he's talking to me."
Keldwyn shook his head. "Remarkable."
"So
you see," Uthe pressed his advantage, "I have a way to find him. There's no need for us both to risk ourselves."
Keldwyn began to move along the path again. "What if your mind's clarity deserts you, Lord Uthe? At such times you doubt the line between reality and fantasy. From the little we know of it, in the Shattered World it is almost impossible for a normal person to tell the difference, let alone a man fighting a brain illness that already clouds truth and illusion."
"Perhaps it will work to my advantage," Uthe said, pushing aside the apprehension Kel's words invoked. "I'll be clear, whereas those of you in your right minds will be the confused ones."
Keldwyn tossed him a deprecating look. "I am going with you, Lord Uthe. I am done having this argument."
"I cannot see your Queen being willing to risk your life for a confused old vampire on a quest that the Fae claim to care nothing about. Unless you misled me and she is actually interested in the demon's power."
Keldwyn turned on his heel so abruptly Uthe had to pull up short to avoid running straight into him. "Say the Queen was interested, my lord. What exactly could you do to stop her or me? We are in my world, and you cannot leave it without our assistance and permission. Beyond that, vampires cannot outmatch the Fae in magic or strength. But you know all that. You provoke me to no good purpose." Keldwyn's look was penetrating. "What is the answer you seek, my lord? What will bring your heart ease?"
"You not following me into certain death," Uthe snapped. "The knowledge that, whatever happens to me, you are safe. Knowing Catriona will not lose you. That your Queen and mine will always have your counsel."
Some of the anger drained out of Keldwyn's expression. "If you feel so strongly about me," he said slowly, "why do you find it so hard to comprehend why I refuse to let you go alone?"
He pivoted and continued to move through the forest, leaving Uthe standing there. Uthe shifted his glance toward a tree whose bark rearranged, revealing a pair of golden eyes that slowly blinked before the tree yawned, widely. A fairy the size of a hummingbird flew out of the mouth, flitted around and then zipped up into the tree canopy.
Uthe followed Kel. He wasn't sure why he had tried to pick a fight, except what had happened in the meadow, what he'd admitted in the stream, and watching Keldwyn have to say good-bye to Catriona had tangled themselves up inside him. The downside to denying himself excesses of emotion was that he was out of practice in managing them.
Keldwyn was setting a determined pace, suggesting he was still fueled by the argument. Uthe had seen a coldness come into Kel's eyes, or a certain tension in his body language, when he was offended or annoyed. This was different.
"Kel, hold up. My lord."
The Fae stopped, glancing over his shoulder. He had that neutral look, but Uthe wasn't fooled by it. Uthe put a hand on Keldwyn's chest, fingers sliding along the lacings in the jerkin. "I meant no offense. I am glad for your company, because your strengths are numerous, and I could hope for no better warrior to join me on this quest. But your welfare matters to me. It has been a very long time since I've been in a position to confuse my feelings for a lover with my responsibilities. I fear that I'm sacrificing you for my own comfort, not for any true need to accomplish my task. Do you understand?"
"I do. Which is why I would like you to rely on my own judgment in this and suffer no guilt at the outcome. If you can't do that, simply accept that I am stubborn, I am going with you, and there's nothing you can do about it. So that ends the discussion." Keldwyn glanced down. Uthe's fingers were beneath the lacing, lightly stroking his chest. Uthe wasn't sure when he'd started moving his fingers, but since it felt good and the Fae Lord wasn't objecting, he kept doing it. Keldwyn raised a brow. "Are you trying to seduce me into seeing things your way, my lord?"
It was such a surprising comment, Uthe pulled his hand back and scowled. "Of course not. I..."
Kel grinned, though there were deeper emotions in his eyes, in the oddly gentle note in his voice. "You think you have no power to seduce me, Varick?"
"It hadn't occurred to me, my lord, though I'm sure I do not. I was just enjoying...the feel of you. I thought I'd offended you, hurt your feelings. It bothered me."
It felt foolish to say something so sentimental, so he took another step back. Keldwyn reached out, squeezed Uthe's shoulder. "You need blood, my friend. Let us attend to it."
Keldwyn resumed course. This time, his pace was more relaxed, conveying that he was no longer angry. Uthe couldn't say he was any less concerned about the Fae going with him, but Kel was right. The time for discussion was over. They'd both made their feelings clear.
As they walked, Keldwyn pointed out features of the forest Uthe might have missed. He saw a tree with blue eyes and several teeth chewing meditatively on one of its own branch tips like a teenage girl chewing on her own hair. A two-headed serpent crossed their path, gazing at them briefly out of two sets of eyes. They passed a troop of small Fae riding a procession of woodland rodents: mice, rats, rabbits. Several rode on the back of a lumbering possum. Keldwyn nodded at them, and they bowed as he passed, their attention passing curiously over Uthe.
Uthe thought of Lord Reghan and his own father, and compared the respective hurts Keldwyn and he carried about the two males. The mercy of time was that it stretched out the pain, made it easier to bear, but there were vulnerable moments where it could hit as brutally as it had then. Forgiveness, guilt, service, vengeance, regret...it was difficult to know where one began and the other ended.
They moved into a grove of fruit trees where the fruits were dark shiny red ovals and bright orange orbs that could fit in Uthe's palm. Keldwyn pulled down one of the red ones. "Like your cherries, but different," he explained. He offered it to Uthe, bringing it to his mouth. Uthe took it that way, tasting his fingers. Keldwyn's eyes heated in sensual approval. He passed a thumb over Uthe's lips, gave his shoulder another reassuring squeeze, and they continued onward. Uthe found the fruit sweet and pleasurable, almost as much so as the brief sensation of Keldwyn's flesh.
Beware of a tongue so silver that evil can hide within its words. Terrible, terrible beauty... Monsters hide within that which shines...
The Baptist could rave with hysterical religious fervor or speak in the low, modulated tones of a college professor. Or offer insights with a warm certainty that filled the soul with hope. John had dedicated every aspect of his existence to God. His wanderings in the wilderness, his violent end and being a spirit in limbo, meant he often demonstrated erratic behavior, but it was always consistently in support of his faith. Sometimes it was expressed in a volatile way--like waking Uthe out of a sound sleep with righteous shouts of praise. Other times he mumbled hours of soothing devotionals. This was different from any of that, though. The holy man sounded...scattered.
John, are you well? Uthe rarely questioned him. It could agitate the prophet. But something was amiss.
Bleeding...Varick...the lines are bleeding. He is aware, trying to...making us bleed...
A scream erupted in Uthe's head like a banshee shriek. He dropped to his knees, futilely covering his ears as the sound was captured inside his skull, illuminating every neural pathway with pain.
You will not win. You were impure from the beginning, never fit to take your oath. Did you confess to Hugh how you helped murder children, drank their blood?
I never drank from them. Never.
Yes, you did. You were so hungry, and he wouldn't let you leave until you did... You were a man, you could have fought, but you were afraid of him... A child in a man's body... You didn't tell your Fae lover that, did you? He would be disgusted by you.
Uthe was lost in the dark, unable to make sense of where he was. Was he blind? The insidious whispers were replaced by shrieks again, and they knocked him back to his knees once more. You cannot fight me and win. Your mind is already half gone. You can focus on nothing but your Master's demands and your lust for him.
Uthe was barely a match for the demon in full health. He couldn't beat him.
<
br /> "'The victory of battle standeth not in the multitude of a host; but strength cometh from Heaven.'" Hugh's voice, reasonable and even, quoting Maccabees as they faced down a gang of brigands threatening a train of pilgrims. Outnumbered eight to one, four of them against thirty-two. They'd sent the living into retreat and the other twenty-four right to their Maker.
"The beauseant has not fallen, my lord."
A Templar did not retreat from the field unless the piebald beauseant fell, and even then he would flock to the banner of another Order if one was still standing. He'd fought under the banner of the Hospitallers more than once for that reason. Struggling to his feet, Uthe felt the grip of a strong hand, helping him. He knew that touch. He could rely on that strength and the mind behind it.
"The very noble armor of obedience..." Was he mixing up his quotes? It didn't matter. He remembered a few days ago when he'd knelt for the purpose of prayer, but he'd also been on his knees before Keldwyn. It wasn't the first time he'd been lost and the Fae had brought him back on course. It suggested that only by trusting the Fae would he have a chance of accomplishing what needed to be done. Had God sent Keldwyn for that purpose? Or was the demon right? Was he a serpent in the desert, a temptation and distraction?
No. Maybe. He wasn't inclined to tell himself lies. Since he'd had to observe the spirit of the Rule in a vampire environment for all these past centuries, he submitted himself to the harsh light of truth when making a decision, to be certain he didn't stray from the proper path.
But that same skill could be applied to softer truths.
He would always surrender to God's will, but now he required an earthly form of it, one that would quiet his soul of these longings for touch, for connection. In the past he'd seen it as weakness. In the face of the Ennui, he saw it as the path to stay strong.
"I have heard it said men may go to war for causes wide and varied, but they stay and fight for those they love. So perhaps whatever God is breaks off pieces of Itself in the souls of those we love so that we will never lose our compass to Him. Like breadcrumbs."