he hung up, then her deep sigh. I ached for her.
I wanted to see her smile again. Now more than ever.
I skipped the lifts and ran down the stairs to the ground floor gift shop. I was going to get her the best chocolate they had. I wished I'd asked her what she liked... but everyone liked chocolate peanut brittle, surely.
If she didn't, I'd eat it and go back to get her something else.
Or should I just buy a bit of everything that looked good? I figured that could work.
I checked my wallet to make sure I had enough cash.
"That's a lot of chocolate," the woman with white curls in the gift shop said with a smile. "Are you trying to impress a lady?"
I allowed myself a proper smile. "Perhaps," I replied with a wink.
She looked a little flustered. "Well, I'd be impressed," she said defensively, looking away so she could put my purchases in a bag.
I thanked her and ran up the stairs, two at a time, back up to Caitlin's room on the second floor.
I dropped the bag of chocolate on Caitlin's bedside table with a grin, turning to see her reaction.
She was fast asleep, tears sparkling on her eyelashes in the last rays of the sun, and I didn't have the heart to wake her. The empty pill cup on her table told me she'd be out for a few hours, so maybe it was a good idea for me to try and get some sleep, too.
As I relaxed into my pillow, I wondered who'd given her the pills and helped her drink the water to wash them down. I figured it was probably the nurse who administered them. I shrugged and slept.
33
Wrists bound in rope and blood.
Cutting.
Hurting.
Twisted.
Lost.
Too cold.
Oh God. Broken.
Too dark.
So much blood.
Too late.
Heart frozen.
Do it.
Give me death.
End it.
34
I woke with my heart beating against my ribs for escape
Who gave her the medication she took last night? Why did I go to sleep without finding out, making sure she was okay, checking to be sure... Who was on guard? Shit, I couldn't even remember his face. Was he there for the phone call and all the time I was gone? Was he still here so I could ask him? Fuck, what if I'd fucked up and let them get to her? I held my breath, hoping and praying my dread was unfounded.
Please, let her be okay.
In the dim light filtering in from the corridor, I could see Caitlin shift restlessly in her bed. She whimpered as if she was in pain or trapped in another nightmare. I breathed again. I wanted to hug her, I was so happy to see her alive, but I remembered. Even if she was having a nightmare, I wasn't stupid enough to do it again.
"Caitlin, angel, wake up," I said, sitting up. "It's a dream. Only a dream. Wake up."
I stood up and stretched. The ache in my muscles reminded me how much I wanted to visit the gym. I wondered if the hospital had one for staff. Fuck. Focus. Wake Caitlin and ask her.
I repeated the same words, a little louder. I crossed the room to be closer to her.
"Angel. Caitlin, it's a dream. Only a dream. Wake up. See? I'm here, just like I promised, and you're safe, I swear."
She didn't seem to have heard me, still struggling against her sheets and the scary men in her dream. Her scream shattered what was left of my sleepiness, like a screen of clouded glass. I stumbled, swallowed, and told myself I was made of sterner stuff than the scrambled eggs I expected for breakfast. I took the last step that left me standing beside her bed, my shorts flush against her sheets.
I reached over her and hit the switch by her bed. In the flickering beam of the fluorescent light, I saw her eyes flutter. "It's a dream, angel. Wake up. It's me, you're in hospital and everything's going to be fine..."
A head-shake, blinking, as Caitlin slowly sat up, her face sinking into shadow. "Nathan?"
I broke into a smile. "That's me."
She slowed her breathing from a panicked pant to something closer to calm. "I'm... safe in hospital with you. Right?"
"Yeah," I replied, yawning. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I wouldn't manage it until I asked her what I should have found out last night. "Who gave you your afternoon meds?"
She thought for a minute. "Judith... no, Carol. Carol was on last night. I said I was having trouble sleeping so she found me some milk in the handover room fridge. I was out like a light." She didn't meet my eyes.
"You must have been tired," I responded with a smile, trying hard not to think of her crying herself to sleep without me yesterday. Taking medication without me checking to make sure it was safe. I felt guilty already and no amount of chocolate would make up for it. I'd been lucky, was all. I couldn't afford to fuck up like that again. It could cost her life, my job and Chris... I closed my eyes, trying to clear my head before I opened them again.
"I won't keep you up. You need your rest to heal." I turned away and padded across the vinyl back to bed.
"No, wait," Caitlin said softly. I stopped. "Would you please sit by me for a little bit, 'til I calm down properly? I just want to get some of the horrible pictures out of my head. The police come to take my statement tomorrow and I can't stop thinking about all the things I have to say..."
Last chance. The perfect opportunity to ask. Just don't be stupid and don't go back to sleep.
I settled in the chair beside her bed, shifting so that I faced her. "Can you tell me about them? Maybe that'll help them go away faster." I didn't dare cross my fingers for luck, but in my heart I hoped.
She looked fearfully at me. "Nathan... I... don't even want to think about them. Talking about my nightmares will only bring them back."
"No it won't," I coaxed. "That's what all the psychologists and counsellors say. You wait. They'll tell you it's good to get it out and your heart will feel lighter."
Caitlin shook her head. "Nathan..." Fresh tears started to flow. She lifted her arms, shaking with her first sob.
I hesitated. I wasn't stupid, but I wasn't heartless, either. I moved from the chair to her bed so I could hug her like she wanted. It felt like the right thing to do, too.
"I can't, Nathan, not yet. I can't," Caitlin murmured as she clung to me and cried.
Fuck it. I stroked her hair. "It's okay. You don't have to."
35
It was a shiny red Mercedes. Not the newest.
The driver looked at me.
Friend in the back.
Saucer eyes.
Someone hit me, pushed me into the back of the car with Saucer Eyes.
Two in the front.
Passenger, driver.
Passenger hit me, drugged me.
Sorry. Oh God, so sorry.
Fight them.
Don't let them win.
Sleep and remember.
Until later.
36
"We need a statement from you, Miss Lockyer." The police officer sounded almost hesitant. After last night, I was, too. "I understand this will be upsetting for you, but we need your assistance to catch the people who did this to you."
Caitlin bit her lip and nodded, her eyes downcast. Her hand reached for mine and I held it carefully, mindful of her fingers.
The police officer cleared his throat. "Mr Miller, I'll have to ask you to leave or at least step outside."
Unwillingly, I rose. I tried to let go of her hand, but I couldn't. Somehow, she'd twined her fingers through mine and couldn't, or wouldn't, let go. She emitted a strangled sound as I tried to detach her gauze-shrouded fingers, so I stopped. I looked hard at Caitlin, but her eyes remained fixed on her lap. Her face grew paler the longer I looked.
"No." The firmness in her voice surprised me and the police officer, too.
"I'm sorry?" He looked confused. "You won't give a statement yet?"
Caitlin looked up, her brow furrowed. "I'll make a statement now, but I want Nathan to stay."
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The police officer cleared his throat. "Mr Miller is a suspect in this matter and we'd prefer that your statement is made privately, so you feel safe and don't hold back information. Your statement will remain confidential."
Caitlin's eyes locked on his and her voice hardened. "Detective, I will never feel safe until I know every one of those bastards can't touch me again. And I will never feel safe alone with a police officer, after one of them shot at me. Nathan... Nathan shouldn't be a suspect in this. He never... He didn't... He's about the only person who hasn't hurt me." Her voice was firm through most of this, but wavered toward the end. Her eyes filled with tears, which spilled down her cheeks. She reached for a tissue with one bandaged hand, then the other, unsuccessfully.
I reached over and pulled a tissue out of the box, holding it out for her. Caitlin turned her sad eyes to me, her useless hands held out in front of her. "Please," she whispered. I hesitated a second before I carefully wiped her tears away.
She turned back at the police officer. "I can't use my hands and I can barely stand, let alone walk. I feel so helpless, one of these pillows would probably be an effective weapon against me." She gave him a sad little smile. "I know I need to make a statement so you can catch the people who did this to me, no matter how upset talking about it will make me feel. I'll do it, however many tears it takes, but please don't make me do this alone." Her voice faded to a whisper. She looked pleadingly at the police officer, then at me.
I spoke first. "If you want me to stay, I'll be here for you."
The police officer looked hesitant, as if he wanted to agree but knew he couldn't.
She laced her fingers through mine before turning her tear-filled eyes back to the police officer, her voice barely louder than a whisper. "I don't know how long it will take before I'm strong enough to tell this story without