needed to get her off her feet. Oh God, how much was this hurting her? How was she still standing?
"I want nothing to do with either of you if you're going to fight like animals. Get your hands off me!"
Her screech was directed at me. I only tightened my grip on her. I wasn't letting go – she'd fall without support. She was already visibly sagging with the effort. Or the blood loss. Or the pain.
Oh God, Caitlin! Don't do this.
"Not until you're back in bed. You can yell at me or him to your heart's content from there. I know how much pain this is costing you." The last part was spoken in a low voice in her ear as I lifted her in my arms. She curled up in pain – I could feel every muscle as tense as she could clench it – and she didn't relax when I set her down on her bed. She looked like she wanted to scream at how much it hurt and it took every bit of her self-control not to.
"I can get you more pain medication. I'll call a nurse – you don't need to hurt like this," I said urgently, praying he hadn't done anything else to her before I'd arrived.
I ignored the bloke behind me, all of my attention focussed on her, waiting for her reply.
She turned away from me to speak to him, as if I didn't exist.
"Jason." She sounded almost hypnotised. "Something else... scared me... and I was just shocked to be woken up." Her voice had gone deathly quiet. Tears flowed down her face, but still she sat, rigidly upright, her eyes on him. She stretched out a hand to him, every finger bandaged and splinted.
I turned so I could see his expression. His eyes were just about popping out of his head and he looked green as he gasped out, "Oh my God, what did they do to you?" He turned and fled.
"No. Jason... wait!" she called after him, but I doubt he heard her. When he didn't come back, she dropped back down on the pillows, her eyes closed. No more tears escaped her iron control.
I crossed to the door of the room in time to see him stumble into the toilet at the end of the ward. I heard him retch as the door swung shut behind him.
"He left in a hurry," Navid said beside me, inclining his head toward the nauseous numb-nuts.
I stared at him. "Where were you? How the hell did he get in to Caitlin's room?" I hissed, as quietly as I could so Caitlin wouldn't hear me.
He shrugged, far from fazed. "Call of nature. He's her friend – that girl Jo's brother. He's on the list. Of course I let him in. She had him there, you'd disappeared and I've been up all night because my son's teething. I've had two coffees already this morning. I needed to take a piss."
I wanted to break the calm expression on his face, but I knew he was a better fighter than me. I'd had one sparring session with him in the gym and I'd sworn never to do it again. Not ever and not now, either. Shaking my head, I headed back to Caitlin.
"Is he coming back?" she asked, her eyes still closed.
"No, he looked pretty sick," I answered.
She sat up and shook her head. "He shouldn't have come. He faints at the sight of blood. What was he thinking..."
It's not as if there's that much blood, I thought sourly. Bloody wanker. He wouldn't have been any use to her on that beach. I tried to ignore the thought that followed it. I'd been shocked when I saw how badly injured she was, too. I couldn't get away from her fast enough.
But I'd promised...
I wanted to hug her tightly, wishing I could forget. I opened my arms, offering.
"No," Caitlin said, her hands up like a mime artist, showing me an invisible wall that I couldn't penetrate. Her face was set. "I said don't touch me." She took a deep breath. "What in hell did you think you were doing?"
"I swore I wouldn't let anyone hurt you! He was touching you and you were screaming!" I replied, louder than I meant to. I didn't regret punching the idiot. I wish I'd knocked him out with the first blow.
"You swore you wouldn't let them hurt me again. That doesn't mean you pick fights with my friends." Caitlin sounded angry as all hell. "He never hurt me. My friends don't hurt me." She glared at me. "Right?"
My hands itched to wrap around the neck of her green friend and choke the life out of him, but I swallowed painfully before I replied, "I'll never hurt you. I was trying to protect you. You know that, right?" Shit. She was going to kick me out for trying to keep her safe.
Her expression softened the tiniest bit. "I know, but you're wasting your effort. Save the violence for the bastards who really deserve it."
I didn't trust myself to say a word. I nodded fervently and looked away. My eyes landed on the bouquets in the sink. "I'll go get some vases for your flowers." I grabbed them.
"Flowers?" Her question came out entirely devoid of emotion.
"Flowers," I repeated, holding them out. "Happy birthday, Caitlin." Dragging my heavy heart with me, I left.
44
Forced kisses. A violation.
The breath of a cruel mouth on mine.
Smell of stale old beer. Like a pub the morning after a party.
Pathetic and mean.
Taste of ash.
Dry hard lips.
Dry tongue, rough and forceful.
Discarded.
No.
Passed to another.
Now what?
Arms closed.
Steel.
Trapped.
Going to hurt
No
45
"Today we'll take the dressings off your hands. Your fingers should have almost healed up by now." Nurse Judith sounded really pleased at the prospect. She started pulling the curtains around the bed, the rings scraping on the rail. "You, out."
I looked up to find the nurse glaring at me, jabbing her finger at the door.
I was sitting fairly comfortably in the visitor's chair beside Caitlin's bed. We were watching a Simpsons rerun on her TV and every time she laughed my heart felt a little lighter.
Caitlin had barely spoken to me in three days, except when it was absolutely necessary, but this morning it seemed like she'd decided to forgive me a little. At least, she'd thanked me with a smile for helping her with breakfast. I still held out hope that she'd be happy to have me here in hospital with her – maybe having her hands healed and whole would help. Hell, it'd make me feel better to know she was less helpless.
I stood up so that I could look down on the grumpy nurse.
She had no excuse to kick me out this time. Baring Caitlin's hands was hardly R-rated, especially as I'd seen them in a far worse state than they'd be in today. In a month, her fingers had almost healed straight. I wanted to be there to celebrate with her, if she'd let me.
I glanced at Caitlin to see if there was the slightest chance that she agreed with the nurse. If she didn't want me here, that was different.
Caitlin looked at me fearfully, her eyes widening as panic seized her. "No, I want Nathan to stay," she managed to say. Her eyes said please when her mouth was silent.
With a slight nod to Caitlin and a shrug to the blonde nurse, I sat down again. Caitlin leaned closer to me and I placed an arm lightly on the pillows behind her, around but not quite touching her shoulders, ready to take it away if she objected. To my surprise, she relaxed into my embrace as she held out her hands to the nurse. "Do it," Caitlin said, swallowing hard. I felt her tense as the nurse took hold of her right hand, the one farther away from me.
The nurse freed Caitlin's hands as if she were eagerly unwrapping a fragile gift while wanting to preserve the paper. She peeled the gauze away with deft fingers and pulled off the splints. I almost didn't realise when Caitlin's fingers were bare. I thought I was looking at another layer of bandages. Pale, thin and white, her fingers were like brittle, petrified sticks of driftwood.
Nurse Judith's hands were as pale as her complexion, but they looked in the pink of health beneath Caitlin's damaged digits. I ached to hold Caitlin's delicate hand in mine, but I couldn't say why.
"Okay, let's see how well you can move these. Just bend them, one at a time," the nurse coaxed.
&n
bsp; I held my breath, my eyes on each finger as it curled up like a salted slug before straightening again. Her thumb looked fine, as did her index finger... only her middle finger provoked a grimace of pain as Caitlin tried to curl it into her palm.
"Good," cooed the nurse, nodding her approval. "Well, four out of five healing perfectly is good. You might have trouble with that middle one, but I'm sure you won't need it. You might even be nicer to us nurses..."
Caitlin's face broke into a beaming smile as she flipped the finger at the nurse.
Nurse Judith looked put out. "Maybe not."
Caitlin laughed. "I'm always nice to nurses, except when they tell me I'm not going to recover. I'll be fine. You'll see."
The nurse sighed. "Yup, another arrogant doctor." She held out her hand and Caitlin placed her left hand in the grumpy woman's clutches.
She rested her right hand on the sheet, where it blended in like a pale spider. I fought the urge to take her hand in mine as she wiggled her fingers absently.
"And the other hand?" Nurse Judith asked expectantly.
Both Caitlin and I looked at her fragile left hand. This time she bent all her fingers at once, like a spider curling up to die, before spreading them out straight. Some of them didn't straighten completely. "Some stiffness," she mused. "But better." She placed both hands side by side in her lap. "Physio with finger exercises next. Won't that be fun!" She moved her fingers, simulating typing on a keyboard.
Soon she'd be able to type up her own nightmares. She wouldn't need my help and I'd have to ask her to tell me before she sent me away. Soon. I didn't know whether to be happy for her freedom or sad for mine.
"Here, I'll help you wash your