Sadly, she was used to being disappointed by me.
"I think you are a very impressive young man," Mr. Coleman told me as he stood and shook my hand. "I look forward to talking again tomorrow."
I thanked him genuinely, shook his hand firmly and tried to leave his office without my limp giving away the pain I was trying to hide.
But then again, I wasn't sure if it was the pain in my foot or the pain of seeing that one happy moment forever captured and hung upon his wall, that I was trying to hide.
CHAPTER 4 - JESSE:
I walked out of the building into the bright April sun and wondered to myself ‘how exactly did I get here?’ Not to that place, but to that moment, to that exact feeling. I sat on the bench just outside the big glass doors and pulled my worn out sneakers out of my briefcase. I was definitely not going to be able to walk the ten blocks back to my apartment with my broken foot squeezed into the shiny new, stiff leather work shoes I had been suffering through the interview in. I probably should have just worn the boot the doctor told me to wear for the next four to six weeks, but it looked so bad and I really needed to make a good impression.
I sat on a bench in the spring sunshine and thought back to that desperate day nearly four years ago when a dream actually came true.
* * *
I'd been dreaming of her for months. She was a beautiful mystery just sitting beside me, smiling. My spring semester was nearly over. Finals were looming, the quarterly inventory at my grandfather's store was draining my time away, and there were a few times I had to catch a quick nap during my work study hours in the library just to make it through the day.
I was still in my Junior year at Fordham up in The Bronx, but I'd applied to take some summer credits at Fordham Law in the hopes that I could shorten my law school career and ease the financial burden.
Getting in was not a problem.
Everything else was.
My financial aide was declined. I appealed. I prayed. I waited.
The apartment I was supposed to sublet fell through because the guy I was going to sublet from had his internship denied when they found out he was charged with possession of marijuana. He offered to let me stay on his sofa, but I couldn't risk being caught in a place with drugs.
I had work-study set up in the Law Library and that seemed like the only thing that was a given.
There was a very good possibility that I was going to have to drop the classes and lose my deposit because I couldn't manage the commute from my grandparents' place everyday.
And then my dad sent me money.
I knew he couldn't afford five hundred dollars. Ever since my mother had gotten sick it'd been all he could do to pay off her medical bills.
She had been working at the high school in Fruit Hill, as a librarian. She caught meningitis during an outbreak at the school. Evidently, whatever childhood immunizations she'd had weren't enough and the illness left her with memory loss and occasional seizures. My father's whole life had changed from planning for the future to taking care of her. I tried to give the money back, but he wouldn't hear of it and that just upped the pressure to find a way to get through the summer classes so that he wouldn't have to feel guilty for not being able to help me out more.
I slept the first week in the library because I had nowhere else to go.
I had pretty much hit rock bottom.
And then that Wednesday there she was, just standing there with her two friends. I stopped in my tracks. She was deliberately not looking at me even though both of her friends were, and I was a mess. I'd been up most of the night stocking my grandfather's store. I slept very little on the stockroom floor. I was most likely dirty and sweaty. I had a good two days worth of stubble on my face. But when her blue eyes finally met mine, something magical happened. I don't know what it was, but it was definitely magic. I introduced myself. She introduced herself and her two friends but she hurried away because she didn't think I could be interested in her. She didn't know I was already in love. I never had the nerve to tell her it was love.
If I had, I don't know if I would have been strong enough to let her go.
But that same day, my financial aide was approved. I also ran into a guy that I'd had some classes with on the other campus and he had a room available in his apartment for the summer. One touch from the magic girl and everything else fell into place.
It just wasn't enough.
I had to see her again.
That night I lay in a stranger's bed, but I couldn't get her image out of my mind. I whispered into the darkness, 'come back, Ani.' I didn't know she could hear me or I would have said more.
I waited on that corner, where I first met her, every day for a week hoping for another chance but not getting even a glimpse of her. I didn't even get the dream of her that I'd been having for so long. And then Tuesday rolled around again and I was back off to my grandparents' house to load the new stock at the store.
Wednesday I was sore. I was tired. I was dirty and unshaven and, of course, that was when she breezed back into my world. She didn't notice me. She sort of paced the corner, maybe nerves, maybe frustration getting the best of her, but then she came and threw herself down onto the bench across from where I was sitting.
"Really, Ani? Today?" I said with a grin.
She startled and then she smiled at me. Me. I went and sat beside her. And in that moment I was living the dream that had been in my head all that time. She was beside me, looking at me with eyes bluer than the clearest sky and this smile that made my heart pound in my chest. I hardly remember the words we spoke. I only know that she had the number seventeen weighing heavily on her mind and that she thought I would reject her when I knew that was her age.
It couldn't possibly be wrong for a twenty-one year old guy to be in love with a seventeen-year-old woman, could it? Why would the minuscule bit of precognition that I'd inherited from some ancestor of my father's that I'd never met, lead me to this woman, this stunningly beautiful woman if we weren't supposed to be together?
And then, the clincher: she also had precognition. It worked differently than mine, but as we parted that day, she said, 'call me like you did last time and I will answer.' Then she kissed my cheek and the next four months were a dream.
Well, for the most part they actually were a dream.
CHAPTER 5 - JADE:
My throat was sore.
All week the rehearsals had been long, grueling and Thorn was really working me hard, harder than he'd ever worked me. I sort of had this feeling that he was pushing me to reach the point where I would have to be the music and anything like doubt would just disappear.
I wished that was possible. I really did. I was giving him all I had.
It was a workday. Part of me wanted to call in sick.
Part of me wanted to quit.
But I couldn't because of Jesse. Not that he needed me, he didn't. I needed him.
Jesse was the most perfect man I'd ever met. It wasn't just that he was handsome, he was definitely handsome, but it wasn't his looks that defined him. He was real. He was a regular guy, not the kind of guys I grew up around. His clothes were plain. His Nikes probably had a hundred thousand miles on them. While he mainly kept to himself, he worked non-stop from the time he punched in until the time he left for the night. He rarely ate, but he had a kind word and a smile for everyone. He was a beautiful person and I wanted to know him.
It all started with a sandwich. It would have ended there too, but I kept trying to get his attention.
I got a break late in the fall.
Jesse was studying for finals.
He started taking the fifteen minute break that our boss, Lisa, forced on him, in the cafe if there was a table open.
The first day I just stood behind the counter and stared at him.
The second day I bought him over a cup of coffee.
He looked up from his books and he smiled that wonde
rful smile at me. Then he thanked me. It was such a short moment, but every bit of me tingled. I watched from behind the counter as he sipped the coffee and sunk back into his books. I most likely looked like a cartoon character with little heart bubbles bursting over my head.
But the fifteen minutes elapsed. He packed away his things and came up to the counter. He said: ‘Thanks, Jade. I needed that. I really did.’ And he swept his hand over mine as he walked away.
It was something. At least, I wanted it to be something.
I brought coffee to that table every time I worked that shift.
One night he looked beat. I mean, he looked like he'd been pulling all-nighters. And he probably had been studying through the nights because he was either in school or at work every other minute of his day. I bought him over this special latte that had a shot of espresso in it. He looked up at me with his tired brown eyes and he smiled.
Then he lifted the cup and took a sip.
His exact words were: 'Holy crap that's strong! What the heck is it?'
On the plus side, it did wake him up. We had a good laugh about it. I took it away and got him a regular strength coffee instead, but it sort of started a routine. He took his break there, and I sat with him when he wasn't studying. We talked about books, our jobs, things that happened in the store, but we didn't talk about ourselves.
He stayed aloof.
I fell in love.
I wanted to be a couple.
He didn't date.
So, I'd known Jesse for sixteen months and I'd asked our co-workers a lot of questions about him. The last time there was a woman in his life was nearly four years ago. There was a story, but I didn't know the details. He must have had his heart broken pretty badly and maybe he just couldn't go there again. But I'd edged myself into his world and if I quit my stupid job now I was going to lose him.
I couldn't do that.
And that was why even though my throat was killing me, I was going to go stand behind that coffee counter and take orders with a smile fixed on my face.
Then Jesse would come into work and the smile wouldn't be fake anymore.
CHAPTER 6 - JESSE:
It was absolutely ridiculous how much better my foot felt when I got back to my apartment and put the stupid plastic boot back on. It would have been even better to sit for half an hour with an ice pack on the damned thing, but I still had to get to work.
The refrigerator had the barest essentials; the last of the pancakes, two eggs, a few cups of yogurt and orange juice. It was the cheapest orange juice the store carried. It had way too much pulp, which sort of made it like a meal, but it was still liquid, mostly and walking home in a suit, in April, with a broken foot, was a pretty hot task so I eagerly drained the last of it out of the bottle. I scraped the dregs of the peanut butter out of the jar and spread it on a cold pancake, folded it in half and ate.
I wondered what it would be like to sink my teeth into a beautiful, medium rare steak, perhaps with a baked potato beside it or a green vegetable that wasn't soggy lettuce. My body would most likely have gone into shock. My grandmother's meatloaf was the closest thing I'd had to a steak in years, and that was a far cry from anything any other person in the world would consider steak.
Before I could really even give it any thought or the slightest enjoyment, the peanut butter pancake was devoured. The jar was scraped so clean that there wasn't even enough to make my finger sticky, which meant a second sandwich was not going to happen. I was still hungry though. I wrestled with the notion of just buying an actual lunch and charging it to the credit card I'd opened to be able to buy my interview suits and the awful, tight, leather shoes, but I swore to myself that I would not be frivolous with the card.
I swore it.
Instead I went to work still hungry.
My boss, Lisa, was in the back room as I made my way to the time clock to punch in.
"Jesse, can you start off at the information desk? Dianna is in an exam, she won't be here for another hour or so."
"Sure, no problem."
"How'd your interview go this morning?" she asked.
"Good, I think. They want me to come back in tomorrow and meet the partners. I would have to come in late. Is that a problem?"
"No, Honey! You take care of business first. The truck is coming in today, tomorrow should be a light day anyway. How's the foot?"
"Fine," I shrugged.
"Liar!" she laughed.
"I didn't want to wear this lovely boot to my interview, so the truth is it feels like hell right now."
"Well sit at the info desk. Just sit, okay?"
"I feel like I'm not doing anything when I sit around."
"That's exactly how you're supposed to feel," Lisa said pointing her finger at me and then the desk.
Jade was not behind the coffee counter as I hobbled over to the desk. I sort of thought she'd be waiting for me, wondering how the interview went. Part of me wanted her to be waiting, part of me wondered why she was wasting her time.
We were a thing, sort of. Maybe. It was complicated.
It was hard to want something so badly and stay aloof.
But my life still sucked and I didn't want her to have to live with that.
She had been working in the store for almost a year and a half. I knew she'd had a bit of a crush on me all that time, but it took a couple months before she actually spoke to me.
I didn't make any effort to speak to her all that time either. As pretty as she was, I just didn't have any intention of dating. I mean, it's hard to have any intentions when I could barely afford to feed myself. I knew couldn't be any better to Jade than I was to Ani. I still couldn't even take her out to dinner and there wouldn't be those magical nights in Venice or Vienna, either. I would be wasting her time, leading her on. I couldn't do that.
So I sat in the chair with my foot up on a box of books beneath the information desk and thought about the first time Jade spoke to me. It was a day like this day, one of those days that happened every once in a while, when Lisa pulled me out of the stock room and stuck me on the information desk.
She seemed to do that mostly on Saturdays and I took a good bit of ribbing from the other guys about being the eye candy that ladies came into the store to see. The store was always busy on the weekends, the cafe line would spill out into the games section, tables were hard to come by and people just seemed to linger. I was on the desk a good portion of the day, which meant I would most likely have a late night of doing my actual job in the back.
Anyway that particular Saturday, way back when Jade was the new face in the store, the stock crew happened to be talking about the cute new girl in the cafe when she drifted into our turf. It was nearly closing time. She sort of stood awkwardly looking at us with her big hazel eyes, her pixie blonde bangs, and all her long hair looped into a bun. They all stopped in their tracks.
She looked like Tinkerbell.
Seriously.
All the guys were swooning.
She cleared her throat a little and then she said, "there are some left over sandwiches in the cafe if any of you are hungry."
Her voice was like music.
She said it to all four of us, but she was looking at me, and I was awkwardly trying not to meet her eye.
The others practically ran out the door. And we were alone.
"I'm Jade," she started.
"I know. They've been talking about you for a solid month," I smiled. She turned a very pretty shade of pink. "I'm Jesse."
"I know. The only time the information booth has a line is when you're up there manning it. It's a nice view from the cafe," she smirked. "It's nice to meet you finally, Jesse. You'd better hurry if you want a sandwich."
"It's okay. I'm fine."
"You know I can hear your stomach growling, don't you?"
"I have a lot to do back here," I shrugged.
She nodded and then she turned and walked a
way. Something new to regret. Two things really, because that sandwich was probably my only shot at a meal for the night.
She came back a few minutes later, handed me a sandwich and she walked away without a word.
I remember that day vividly because I slept on the floor in the warehouse that night. I'd had music on, the piped in background music that played on a continuous loop in the store. There was a song by The Bee Gees called Nights on Broadway, that had sort of etched itself into my brain and wrapped it's music around my crystal clear memories of those nights when Ani was in my arms. I was sort of living that song. I was never going to get her back. I was not even trying to keep in touch with her. I just couldn't quite forget her. I had hoped that at some point there would be that subtle shift from regret to nostalgia but it hadn't happened at that time, particularly because I knew she was back in New York. Her blue eyes were looking at me from every playbill around the theater. Then one day I caught a glimpse of her walking with a guy as I made my way from the campus to work. I turned away, so she wouldn't see me, I was definitely not prepared to meet her boyfriend. And after that I avoided that corner as much as I possibly could because I just had to.
Anyway, Jade gave me a sandwich, and I probably neglected to thank her sufficiently. I worked late. Eventually, I fell asleep on that stock room floor, with a piece of cardboard as a pillow and I dreamt of music. It was a song that I could not place, but seemed to know. It was a song that made my heart beat wildly. I was happy. I felt actual happiness. I guess I sort of knew it was a premonition, that I was getting a hint about something in my future.
But I opened my eyes and I was not in the stock room.
I was sitting on a porch swing in a portico covered in flowering vines. The sun was setting and the sky was streaked with color. I'd been there before. My heart began to pound in my chest. I was in The White Room.
And if I was there, that had to mean Ani was there too.
She was standing by the column, her long hair blowing in the breeze.