She would have done anything for me, fed me, healed me, or walked out of my life so I could have the future I'd been working toward.
But that future was meaningless without her.
And as if my thoughts weren't gloomy enough, the song that was her dream, that was the very definition of us, began to play. It seemed louder than ever in the quiet emptiness of the store. My eyes were fixed on the doorway, but she wasn't there. I felt the cracks in my heart open.
I had to make this right.
I had to get her back. Whatever the price was, I would pay it. Whatever she wanted from me I would give. I would drop to my knees and beg her to forgive me.
The workday ended and I ran from the store. Not literally. My foot was still in no condition to run, but I didn't waste any time. I tried calling her again as I walked, but she still didn't answer. It did not matter; I was going to find a way to see her, to speak to her.
I don't know what I was expecting as I sat in my seat in the theater.
I always just assumed she was an actress and her show was going to be a play.
Again, I could have done my homework.
But the curtain rose and I was swept away.
It was not just how beautiful she was. When she opened her mouth, the voice of an angel filled that theater. How she could have ever wondered about her talent was a mystery. She sang in a language I did not speak, but with passion that my heart knew. She sang of love, the desire for that one true love that would last forever. She sang of a man who was unlike any she knew who stole her heart in a single glance.
And each time she left the stage my heart went with her.
But it was the second act that changed everything.
When Arabella met Mandryka, the man who captured her heart, Jade sang the song that had been playing in the recesses of my mind since the day she handed me the first sandwich. It was not just about her, it was her. And she was singing it to him on stage, but as she looked out to the audience she was singing it to me.
Yes, I knew she could not see me in the crowd.
But I felt her every single time she stood in that doorway to that stockroom. I felt her heart shatter when I would not look her in the eye and she walked away. And my heart believed she felt me too. I was Mandryka. The song was mine.
She was supposed to be mine.
But just like life, the love that was supposed to be a given upon that stage got twisted and tangled. Jealousy and accusation tore it apart. Her confusion, her sadness, they were so real to me. It was supposed to be a comedy, but I wept watching her, hearing her.
Of course, the show was destined for a happy ending. Mandryka begged forgiveness. And Arabella forgave him.
She offered him the water that signified their union and he kissed her.
But would Jade forgive me?
The curtain closed and I clapped so hard my hands hurt. I sat there as the theater emptied. My future was just beyond that curtain and she seemed a million miles away. She was going to be a star. She belonged on Broadway. The theater district would have her name in lights. The lyrics to Nights on Broadway were loud in my head and I wondered if she was already beyond me. I could not be just standing in the background watching, waiting. I had to make this right. I had to get her back.
I made my way to the stage door.
I asked the guard if I could see her.
He half-heartedly asked my name as he flipped his clipboard to her page.
Then he looked up at me and shook his head.
Jade had three names on her list: her mother, her father and me. But there was a big dark slash drawn throughout the list and bold letters underneath that said 'NO VISITORS.'
I begged. "Look, it is vital that I talk to her. Can you just ask her if she'll see me?"
"I can't leave the door."
"Can you ask someone else to ask her? There are thirty people standing right there!"
"No."
"Why?"
"She said no visitors. That means NO visitors."
"I was on the list! I have to give her a message!"
"Sir, if you don't step away from the door I will have to call security."
This little prick was standing between me and my future and there was not a damned thing I could do about it. I doubt he'd have given that sort of attitude to her mother.
Frustration and regret got the best of me and I turned my back to the door, but I threw my arms into the air and just called out her name. And by called out, I mean it came out with all of the air from my lungs and just echoed down the hallway and through the theater until the acoustics swung it back around and it hit me full in the chest, shattering my already cracked heart.
I dropped my head and walked away.
There was nothing else to do.
CHAPTER 18 - JADE:
I really didn't want to see my parents. I really didn't want to see anyone. I mean, of course that was a lie. I wanted Jesse to come and say the words that Mandryka says to Arabella. But he wasn't going to do that and I didn't want to be disappointed when he didn't come, so I crossed everyone off my visitors list.
And I just got out there and sang.
It was funny how we'd work on the production for weeks and weeks, deal with costumes and the dress rehearsals, show up at Thorn's little parties, and then opening night came and went with very little pomp.
Final bows were taken and the curtain closed. I stood there for a few minutes, alone, wondering if this was going to be the last opening for me. I gave everything I had. I really did. I just didn't know if it was enough. I stood there looking at the empty stage like the action might still be happening, like I could watch the show. But there was nothing there.
There was nothing anywhere.
My costume was beautiful, but heavy. I was not graceful as I trudged back toward my dressing room.
"There she is!"
I heard the words, but I did not realize they were for me until Thorn called out to me.
He called me Bianca.
I cringed.
He was standing with another man in a very nice suit. Thorn was talking as I was looking over the stranger. His hair had just a touch of salt and pepper, his shirt was a lilac color, his tie was too flashy and he had a silk kerchief showing from his pocket. He extended his hand to me and shook mine in that dainty way that sort of felt like he really did not want to be touching another person, and might prefer fake air kisses at the cheek. But while his persona seemed effeminate, his voice was fantastically deep and enthralling when he spoke.
The dichotomy was humorous.
I'm sure Thorn probably said the man's name, but I was too distracted by the man himself and I was forced to ask him to repeat it. His name was Devon Rothsam, and really I wanted to ask him to repeat every word he said because his voice was just that amazing but I made an actual effort to listen to his words and not just the music coming from his mouth. He paid me some very high compliments on my performance. He talked about my vocal range. And then he asked me if I would be interested in auditioning for a stage production of a Disney show.
And just as I was about to say, ‘are you serious?’ and tell him exactly how much the opportunity would mean to me, I heard my name called out in anguish from somewhere off to my left.
I knew that voice. That was the voice of my dreams.
Jesse had come.
He was trying to get to me, and I crossed him off the list.
I could not walk away from my opportunity to audition for an actual show on Broadway. So I stood impatiently, with my coffee counter smile firmly in place as my heart raced and I wished this stranger with his wonderful voice would just get to the important part of the details so I could go chase down the man who owned my heart before he changed his mind.
At last Mr. Rothsam gave me his card with the dates and times that I should be at the theater. Thorn winked at me as the two of them turned away.
And I dashed toward the stage door praying Jesse might still be lingering in the hallway, but he was gone.
Gone.
And I still didn't even know where his apartment was.
CHAPTER 19 - JESSE:
I went to her building and loitered around at the front entrance for a long time. The doorman said she wasn't home, and I knew she wasn't. I figured she probably had some fancy after party to go to and really I didn't want to think about any possibilities beyond that.
The doorman's name was Jerry and he spent a good deal of time shooting the breeze with me and not making a fuss about my lurking around the building like a potential stalker.
And, sadly, I knew that even if she came home, she would park in the garage and go upstairs from there. I wouldn't see her unless for some unknown reason she drove past the front of the building to get around to the garage and that was a ridiculously long, long shot based on where I assumed she'd be coming from.
An hour passed. Another fifteen minutes followed it into the past. Jerry checked the garage monitor one last time and shook his head. I sighed, thanked him and walked home.
I failed to get her back.
I didn't get the call from Mr. Coleman either.
I crawled into bed but I could still hear Jade singing in my mind. It was such a beautiful sound that tears leaked from my eyes. And before I knew it I was just crying out my seven years of struggling, the hunger, the loneliness, the heartache and now this loss. And this loss was the worst because it was completely my fault. There was no noble intention like there had been when I let Ani go. I just blamed Jade for my failure, for being who she was and pushed her away when really she was the only thing holding me together.
But as I lay there crying, a gentle hand stroked my hair.
"Call her like you called me that first time, Jesse," she said.
I could not see her, but Ani was there. She was still trying to help me. "How? Jade doesn't have what we have."
Ani laughed. "Neither did my father, but my mother wished for him and he came. This place is magical, remember?"
"It is."
"You just have to believe in it, Jesse. If you love her, and I know you love her, let this place be The Wishing Place again and make the wish that's in your heart."
I nodded. "Ani, wait!" I called out, and she actually appeared sitting beside me. Her eyes were so blue. She was a beautiful woman, there was no doubt about that, but she was not Jade, she was not the woman my heart belonged to. I just had to know if I did the right thing back then. "Ani, are you happy? Did you get the life you wanted?"
"I got my fairy tale, Jesse. And I'm not sure I would have gotten it if it hadn't been for you. I know it was just one summer, but you changed my world and I went back to Chicago a different person. That change made a whole chain of events happen, they weren't all good, but they were all important and they got me my future, my dream, my happily ever after. It's your turn now Jesse. She's right there, your whole future is right there, look at it!"
And just like that, right before our eyes, a movie was playing out the rest of my life, but so quickly that it only left the image of Jade and I dancing, pressed together, the way we should be, and hope that it was still possible.
"Call her, Jesse. Hold on to her and don't let go," Ani whispered inside my head and she was gone from my life.
But my life was not over.
"Jade!" I called out into the whiteness. "Jade, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. Don't leave me behind. I love you. I'll do whatever it takes to make this right, just come back to me. Come back, Jade. Please come back."
She didn't answer.
CHAPTER 20 - JADE:
I woke up with a start. My heart was racing, my hands were shaking and his name was on my lips. Jesse. The whole thing might have been a dream, but he was calling out to me, he was calling my name the way he had at the theater. I slid out of my bed and grabbed my bag from the chair by the door. I dug frantically for my phone and turned it on.
There were twenty-two missed calls in the two days that I'd been ignoring the outside world. Six of them were from Evan Thorne, they were all within an hour of each other after I left the theater last night and I had a pretty good idea that he'd had a significant amount of scotch and was looking for company. I would listen to them later, just on the off chance that he had anything important to tell me about Mr. Rothsam or the audition.
Three calls were from my father and another two were from my mother. With five missed calls, I was actually quite surprised there wasn't a secret service stiff parked outside my door.
The other eleven calls were all from Jesse.
He didn't leave a message every time, but he apologized, he asked me to call him back. He called after the opening of the show and that message tore my heart open. He said he'd called because he finally knew what the music in his head meant and that he wished I would have known that he was there to applaud like he'd said he would always do. He said he would call again and that he couldn't say goodbye so he was just going to say goodnight.
I didn't want him to say goodbye.
I jumped in the shower, I threw on the clothes that were hanging over my chair and I dashed out the door.
He would be at the bookstore. I mean, he was always at the bookstore. He practically lived there. And if for some unforeseen reason he was not there, Lisa would give me his address, I knew she would. I would plead with her if I had to.
Driving in the city was never a quick task. But it seemed eternal whenever it really needed to be fast. I pulled into the lot and ran for the door. He was not at the information desk, not that I really expected him to be, but it was just one of the places he might be. I practically ran to the stockroom. The door was standing open. Boxes were piled up four wide and two high in the space where they were unloaded from the truck. The empty carts were lined up waiting for the stock to be loaded, but Jesse was not there.
The room was completely empty.
CHAPTER 21 - JESSE:
I was still carrying around the Snapple Tea. I knew it was ridiculous. It was just a symbol, like when she gave me the apple juice or when Arabella gave Mandryka the water. If she accepted it, it was forgiveness, and something more, it was a connection, like an inside joke that only we knew. I don't know. Maybe it was a stupid idea. There was a good chance I was not going to get to give it to her. But I brought it to work with me and stuck it in the fridge in the stockroom with it's dire warning not to touch. And I went about my business.
The truck was already there when I got in, which was unusually early. There were only eight boxes so unloading them was quick, but there were still two carts of older stock that needed to go out of the floor before the new stuff was opened.
I liked stocking the kids’ section. Everything was small.
Noreen was deep into the nine o'clock story time and there were probably a dozen children listening raptly and giggling as she wove her spell over them. And even though I was down and trying to concentrate on my job to avoid the ugly thoughts in my head, I still found myself giggling at the antics of young Floyd as he attempted to get his kite unstuck from a tree. Oh, Oliver Jeffries, how fitting that Noreen should be telling your story as I sat stocking tiny books wondering what I could throw at my problems that might make them all better.
The cart was emptied before the story was finished, but I stuck around and straightened the shelves just to hear how it ended.
And then I dragged the empty cart back to the stock room.
But froze in my tracks when the door was in sight.
Jade was leaning against the doorframe looking into the empty room.
Her music was so loud in my head. I abandoned the empty cart as I moved toward her. What to do next was a mystery. Every bit of me wanted to just wrap my arms around her and breathe her in, but I owed her such a big apology. Anyway, before I could even think about it, my fingers were sweeping through the long blon
de hair that hung down her back. It was still slightly damp and the sweet smell tickled my senses.
She spun and gazed up at me and an instant later our mouths were pressed together, her arms were tight around me and my fingers were still deep in her hair, as I eagerly tasted her. My heart pounded inside my chest. She was my everything. She was my life. She was kissing me.
But she drew a deep breath and opened her eyes. I dropped to my knee before her. "Forgive me, Jade. Forgive me."
"Did you get the job, Jesse?"
I shrugged as I stood up. "I don't know. I haven't heard anything. But it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. I'll get a job, and I have this for now, but I can't make it without you. I told you had nothing to offer you and you asked why I couldn't just give you my heart, the thing is, you have my heart. You've had it since the day you gave me that first sandwich. I just couldn't admit that because I thought you would need more than that, you deserve more than that. You should be my princess, you should..."
"I don't want to be a princess, Jesse," she said softly as she dropped her eyes and walked into the stockroom.
"Jade, I'm sorry. This whole thing was my fault and I want to make it right, but I seem to make it worse every time I open my mouth."
"It wasn't your fault."
"There were things I should have known, but I didn't ask."
"Yes, you did. There were a lot of questions that you asked that I could have answered or expanded upon, but instead I deflected or changed the subject. I've been around politicians all my life. I know how to spin information to my advantage. But I let you believe I was a student working my way through just like you because I wanted you to like me as a person, not because I was a strategic alliance. I wanted to be a normal girl and I wanted the fantastic guy who worked in the back to notice me."
"Who were you last night when you sang on stage?"
"What do you mean?"
"Was that Bianca or was that Jade? Because that song has been in my head, my heart, my dreams since the day we met and I knew it was tied to you, but not how or why. And last night when you sang the piece where Arabella and Mandryka pledge their love, I felt you singing it to me. And I would make the promise Mandryka made to the woman who sang it," I started. "Wait!" I said, and I walked away. I grabbed that Snapple out of the fridge and I walked back to her. "I don't know if this is actually any good anymore. I've been carrying it around for a couple days. It was supposed to be an apology, and a good one because it's made from the best stuff on earth. But I want it to be more than that, Jade. I want it to be the promise that two people made on stage last night. I want that with you. I don't care if you are Bianca or Jade or some combination of both. I just know it was you that took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself and it was your wish that made the magic happen in The White Room and I need you because you are the thing that I was supposed to hold on to no matter how hard it seemed. You are my future."