‘But what?’
‘It just wouldn’t be right to let you go on thinking . . . waiting . . . I don’t know . . . hoping. When I know now.’
‘You can’t possibly, Julie! You’ve just said, you aren’t back to normal. You can’t be sure how you’ll feel when you’re home again instead of stuck here. Nobody can think straight in a place like this. Anyway, you’re still recovering from the shock of the bomb, never mind from your injuries. They’re still pumping drugs into you, aren’t they? And I don’t care what you say, you must be feeling pretty crappy and worried and fed up, even if you do put on a good face and look happy, which I’m not knocking, just the opposite, but I’m not giving you up yet, I’m just not.’
‘I don’t want you to give me up, I’m not saying that.’
[Nik comes to the bed and sits at her side.]
‘I love you, Julie.’
[Pause.]
‘No, Nik, you don’t.’
‘I do. That’s what I’ve come to say.’
‘I’m grateful. And I don’t want to make you unhappy. But you don’t love me, not the way you mean it.’
‘But I do. Believe me.’
[Pause. Julie smiles.]
‘Believe you?’
[Nik, realizing the incongruity, smiles too.]
‘Okay! All right.’
‘Tell me what belief feels like, Nik.’
‘Chuck it, will you!’
‘What does it do, for God’s sake!’
‘Knock it off, will you!’
[They are laughing now. When it is over Nik gets off the bed and sits in the chair, leaning towards Julie, elbows on knees, hands clasped together, and says:]
‘I love you, Julie, and I want you. Right now in your hospital bed I want you. Even with your eyebrows burnt off and your scorched hair like a fright wig and your face still healing and your poor hands all trussed up. You still turn me on as hard as you did the first time I saw you yomping through the rain in your sloppy pullover and your brother’s old jeans, looking like a drowned bundle of castoffs on its way to Oxfam.’
‘You certainly pick on a girl’s strong points.’
‘But I do, I want you.’
‘I believe you, Nik . . . But what do you want for me?’
‘How d’you mean? I don’t want anything for you, I just want you.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Exactly what?’
[Julie looks at him with an amused stare.]
‘Simmo says what you really want is a girl who’ll treat you like a motherly older sister you can have the pleasure of screwing whenever you feel like it.’
[Nik slumps back into the chair. A tense pause.]
‘I bet she’s keen on karate as well.’
‘Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Lots of men are the same.’
‘That’s a comfort! You know how much I like being one of the crowd.’
[Brooding silence, ended by Julie.]
‘Sorry. Shouldn’t have said that. I was only trying to tell you that I don’t think love and wanting are the same thing.’
[Nik shrugs.] ‘Expect you’re right, as usual.’
‘Right but wrong.’
‘Can you be both at once about the same thing?’
‘Why not? Right about something but wrong the way you say it.’
‘If you say it wrong, surely you haven’t got it right yet?’
‘I don’t know . . . Yes, I expect so . . . Don’t let’s argue about it.’
[They sit in heavy silence for some time. Julie keeps her eyes on Nik, pained by her own vulgarity and his sadness. He avoids her gaze but this does not save him. Tears begin to course his cheeks. Watching his reined distress, Julie also begins to weep. At last Nik glances at her. The sight unleashes his restraint. He bursts into racking sobs. Julie holds out her clubbed hands towards him. He rushes to her. They hold each other in a clumsy embrace.]
†
Tom recognized the girl as soon as she came round the corner. The one who passed him on the towpath this afternoon. The one with the fetching bum. His pulse quickened along with bloodshot thoughts.
Is that a truncheon in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?
Cop the braless knockers poking the clingfilm singlet. Here was evidence he’d like to get his grabbers on. No question: on a hot evening like this a forensic frig would nicely fit the bill. Business first, natch, but mix it with some pleasure, why not? All work and no foreplay makes Tom a dull John. Blow that for a nark. And anyway, who cared about slag? The only thing she was good for was banged up in the nick between her legs. As investigating officer he had right of entry. Stand astride, I’ve come to skin the cat.
‘And what are you staring at?’ Michelle said.
‘Okay, Sharkey,’ Tom said. ‘See you later.’
‘Sure you can manage on your own?’ Michelle said. ‘Don’t want him to hold your hand—or nothing?’
Sharkey, smirking to himself, left them to it.
Michelle eyed Tom, her arms folded, cradling her breasts.
‘He says you know something interesting,’ Tom said.
‘I know lots of things.’
‘And I know you know what I’m talking about so cut the crap.’
Michelle sniffed and looked with distaste around her.
‘Do we have to talk here? It’s really smelly. Can’t you think of nowhere better?’
‘Why? Are we going to be long?’
She gave him an appraising look, up and down, with pauses on the way.
‘Maybe,’ she said. ‘Depends.’
‘On what?’ Tom asked, moving closer.
‘You, of course,’ Michelle said, mocking him with innocence. ‘Didn’t ask to come here, did I? You’re the one who knows what you’re after. But I’m not talking here however long it takes.’
‘What about in my car? It’s outside the station.’
Michelle huffed. ‘You’re full of bright ideas. What d’you think my friends will say if they see me sitting yakking to you in a pig van?’
‘They wouldn’t know. It’s unmarked.’
‘Yes, but you’re not. Anyway, I’m not sitting talking to you in a stuffy old car outside the railway station.’
Tom chuckled and, leaning a hand on the wall either side of her head, said, ‘Okay, let me have a guess. You’ve got a better idea.’
‘Might have. We could do a quick drive up to Rodborough Common. It’ll be cooler up there, and there’s a lovely view of the town from a shady place I know.’
‘Sounds great. But I might not have the time.’
‘Oh well, if you’re in a tearing hurry . . .’
Michelle ducked under his arm and, brushing against him, slipped free.
Tom twisted after her, only just restraining the impulse to catch hold. ‘Okay, listen,’ he said. ‘Come to the car. I’ll make a call. If everything’s all right, we’ll go.’
‘Please yourself,’ Michelle said, shrugged, and strutted her stuff ahead of him.
At the station, while she studied travel posters on the wall, pretending to be by herself, Tom had a word with the duty officer on his car intercom.
‘Any info re that Matthews Way address, over?’
‘Negative. We’re checking possible alternatives, over.’
‘Roger. Investigating possible lead this end. Will contact if and when. Out.’
He started the car and pulled across to Michelle, who skipped into the seat beside him before he came to a stop.
The signs were good. With the blank at Matthews Way he had time to mix it with Michelle; and she seemed less unwilling than Sharkey had said. Now why was that? But the twinge of suspicion was stifled in the lust that provoked him to over-gun the revs as he swung up Rodborough hill. He hadn’t had it in the open for ages and the prospect swelled his crotch.
†
Home again from hospital, brooding on the scene—their tears, her separate determination—Nik again, though weary, could not sleep. The night too was brooding
, its heavy air claustrophobic, and would not let go.
At last, unable to lie still in mind or body, he rose in the dark and left the house to his grandfather’s contented snores, like foghorns marking the channel to death. Dressed only in T-shirt and jeans, he wheeled his bicycle from the garden shed and, pedalling slowly, doggedly made the journey through town and up the steep winding ascent onto Selsley Common, drawn there not only because it was his favourite place but more by a wish-fulfilling memory of his first walk with Julie.
Even there, though, he found no breeze to freshen and revive him. Oiled in sweat, and panting, he bumped across the common. At the edge he dropped his bicycle to the ground, pulled off his wringing T-shirt, and spread himself on the grass, intending to remain so only until he had cooled off and caught his breath again.
Instead, he at once drifted into sleep; utter, seabed sleep, dreamless, limpid, surrendered.
Only to be jolted awake by a voice speaking his name.
He sat up abruptly, blinking in the ghostly light of pre-dawn at the face of Mary Magdalene.
‘Are you okay?’ she was saying. ‘Didn’t mean to startle you. Just, I saw you lying there like you’d fallen off your bike and thought you might be ill. Well, I mean, you looked knocked out, if not dead.’
Nik rubbed his eyes and grasped his hands round drawn-up knees. ‘I’m all right,’ he said, and looked, blear-eyed, beyond the girl at the wide mist-veiled fenestral of the valley, and remembered why he was here.
The Magdalene ran a warm hand over his shoulder and down his back. ‘You’re cold as slabfish. How long have you been lying here?’
Nik shrugged. ‘No idea. It was dark.’
She picked up his T-shirt and felt it like laundry. ‘This is soaking.’
‘I was hot,’ he said, taking the shirt from her and pulling it on, perversely glad of its clammy penance.
‘You’ll catch your death,’ she said.
Nik stood up and flexed his stiffened joints.
‘You’re not exactly overdressed yourself,’ he said. She was wearing a blatant singlet and hugging lightweight jeans. ‘What are you doing here anyway?’
‘Three guesses,’ she said flatly.
‘Doesn’t sound like you enjoyed it much.’
He walked the few paces to a wooden bench and sat, his legs splayed, suddenly weary again now the shock of waking had worn off.
The Magdalene got up and followed, saying, ‘I’m fed up of boring boys who have a big head on their shoulders just because they’ve a big dick in their trousers, and think dropping their pants for a girl like me should be enough reward for doing whatever they want and listening to the endless drivel they talk when they’ve finished.’
‘So what happened to last night’s hero?’ Nik asked.
‘Went off him.’ She laughed disdainfully. ‘Never really fancied him, to be honest. But he had nice eyes and I go for nice eyes. But by the time we come up here it was too dark to see. Not that he kept them open, I expect. He’s the “Look no hands, I can even do this blind” sort, if you know what I mean.’
‘I can guess.’
She inspected his face closely. ‘You’ve got nice eyes, as a matter of fact. And your glasses frame them lovely.’
‘Thanks,’ Nik said, ignoring the hint. ‘So what happened?’
‘Not a lot. He’s probably quite handy with a road drill.’
‘How’s that?’
‘Only capable of a short sharp burst, makes a lot of noise, and doesn’t dig very deep.’
Nik chuckled. ‘No finesse?’
‘Didn’t give him the chance. I’m not usually nasty, I can put up with quite a lot, but tonight, I don’t know why, I just thought, “To hell with it, if I’m not enjoying myself I’m damn sure he’s not going to, not at my expense, the ape,” and I shoved him off before he got properly going.’
‘That must have pleased him.’
‘He was even more pleased when I told him his performance broke the trades description act because it wasn’t nowhere near as good as advertised.’
‘And?’
‘Oh, he goose-stepped around a bit, doing up his flies and giving himself a thrill by nipping his zipper on a painful place, while he gave me a few well chosen words about me morals and me parents and what he really thought about my physical appearance. I expect you can imagine the kind of thing.’
‘Vaguely.’
‘And then he stormed off on his motorbike, which I expect he takes to bed with him every night, he certainly smelt like he did, and left me to find my own way home, which I didn’t reckon was such a good idea, wandering through town in the middle of the night, so I snuggled up to myself and waited for dawn, and was just setting off when I spotted you flat out and beautiful and catching your death from the dew.’ She smiled. ‘You looked that helpless I come over all motherly.’
Nik shivered and stood up.
‘What you need,’ she said to his back, ‘is something to warm you up. Me too, come to think of it. Tell you what, just for starters, I’ll race you to the hump and back, how about it?’
She was off before Nik could say no.
Instead, he picked up his bike and chased after her.
‘Cheat!’ she called as he came alongside.
‘Can’t trust any of us males!’ he called back, pedalled harder, reached the hump well ahead, dismounted, and sat waiting, undeniably feeling better for the spurt of energy.
The Magdalene arrived in a glow, panting, and, slumping down at his side, leaned herself against him.
‘Look, Michelle,’ Nik said when she’d recovered, ‘if you like, I’ll give you a ride down the hill. The law shouldn’t spot us at this time of day.’
‘Ta very much,’ she said. ‘And you can give me a ride any time.’
He nudged his head against hers. ‘I’ll keep that in mind,’ he said and laughed.
‘I mean it,’ she said. ‘I’ve fancied you rotten since you joined the group. But you never stay around long enough to do anything about it.’
Nik shrugged and they were silent for a time before Michelle said, ‘I’ve told you why I was up here tonight. Your turn now. Why were you lying there or is that where you usually doss?’
Nik sniffed. ‘Fun.’
‘Now pull the other one.’
‘Okay . . . Research.’
‘For our stupid film, you mean?’
‘Why not?’
‘Don’t believe you.’
‘It’s true! . . . Well, kind of.’
She turned so she could face him. ‘I saw Randy Frank yesterday.’
‘Was he poking a mint?’
‘Don’t be disgusting! He’s all right really. He said he’d been to see you and he thought you weren’t very well. He said you were still shook up from that awful bomb, and were worried sick about the girl you were with.’
Nik bristled. ‘I wish he’d mind his own business.’
‘Well, are you?’
‘Wouldn’t you be?’
Michelle nodded. ‘Anybody would. I just wondered if it had anything to do with you being up here, that’s all.’
Nik said nothing.
‘Is she . . .’ Michelle hesitated. ‘Is she your girl? I mean—proper girl?’
Nik rubbed a hand across his face. ‘Yes and no,’ he said tetchily. ‘I say yes, she says no.’
‘Doesn’t she love you as much as you love her?’
Nik gave her a squinted look. ‘You do pry.’
Michelle said, ‘Sorry, I’m sure,’ and turned her head away.
But suddenly, despite his anger, he wanted to tell.
He waited a moment till the anger subsided, then with a tentative hand brought her unresisting face to his again.
INTERCUT: Julie’s hospital room. She and Nik clutched in their awkard embrace, weeping.
‘This is ridiculous,’ Nik says, swivelling so that he can lie on the bed propped up alongside Julie. He wipes his eyes with his free hand.
Julie is snuffling her tea
rs back.
Realizing she can’t do anything about her face, Nik reaches for some tissues on the bedside cabinet and very carefully attends to her.
‘Anyway, why are you crying?’ he asks.
‘Why are you?’Julie says.
‘For you,’ Nik says. ‘For myself. I don’t know! . . . For the whole rotten bloody world.’
‘No,’ Julie says. ‘Not rotten. Bloody sometimes but not rotten.’
They are calm again. Nik settles himself comfortably. They are silent for a moment, staring ahead at the view through the window.
‘Nik . . .’ Julie says, hardly breaking the silence.
‘Uh-huh?’
‘There’s something I’ve got to tell you, but I can’t now.’
‘Then don’t try.’
‘I’ve made a tape.’
‘Oh?’
‘I want you to take it with you.’
‘Can’t I hear it now?’
‘No. At home.’
‘I’ve brought my Walkman. I’ll listen in the train.’
‘I’d rather you listened at home.’
‘Okay. As soon as I get back.’
JULIE:
Dear Nik:
This is difficult. I’d rather tell you what I want to say when I’m with you, and when I’m completely recovered and back home again.
But I think it probably should be said before then. Judging by your letters and . . . Well, anyway.
[Pause.]
I suppose everybody is strong in some things and weak in others. I’m strong in faith but weak in love. I know that much about myself.
I could easily love you, Nik. Love you the way you want, I mean. I knew that the night before the bomb. I wasn’t just testing myself the way I said. That was only half the truth. The other half was that I wanted you the way you wanted me. I’d even imagined it happening. Lying in bed all the week before I’d imagined it. You and me together. I’d planned it, our night together outside Cambridge. The tent. Everything! That’s my confession.
[Pause.]
But then, as soon as I knew you really did want me, and it began to turn out just the way I’d hoped for, I drew back. Isn’t that awful! The terrible desire to know you’re wanted for your body as well as yourself. And then when someone offers you that, to realize it isn’t enough. It isn’t what you really want. And you’ve led them on only to reject them.