I wanted to be someone other than me.
I started to kiss his shoulder, then his neck, then his jaw. Until I found and claimed his mouth.
He opened easily to my kiss, adjusting my body over his so I was straddling his hips, and then pressing my upper-body against his. The kiss was slow and deep, and I felt like I was drinking him in. His hands stroked over my hair and my back until they finally settled on my bottom.
After a few minutes, I felt him harden against my groin, and I moaned as I wedged a hand between our bodies to find and squeeze his erection through the thin fabric of his towel.
Josh grunted against my mouth as I fondled him. My nipples were erect beneath the cotton of the t-shirt, and they brushed along the hard lines of his chest. I squirmed above him, trying to drown myself in the sensation so my heart wouldn’t hurt so much.
He flipped us over without warning and started to kiss his way down my body, taking off my shirt and panties until I was completely naked beneath him.
He caressed me until I was deeply aroused, until I couldn’t hold still.
Then he moved up to kiss my mouth again.
“Leslie,” Josh rasped at last, pulling his mouth away and leaning his forehead against mine. His breathing was hot and uneven. “Are you ready?”
“Yeah. I want you now.”
My emotions were still close to the surface, so I whimpered helplessly as he put on a condom and then slid himself inside me.
We both moaned at the full penetration. Then I twined my arms around his neck and we fell into another kiss, our lips and tongues clinging and stroking as I started to rock rhythmically beneath him.
He felt so big against me, above me. So strong. So hot. And, letting my need and the sensations guide my motion, I felt like I could never get enough of him.
It was just the one night. Both of us knew it. But this, right now, felt like something real.
“So good,” I mumbled against his mouth, holding him as tightly as I could and feeling tears still aching in my eyes from before. “So good.”
He made a guttural sound, his fingers digging into the flesh of my bottom. His neck jerked slightly, breaking off the kiss. Then he buried his face against my neck. “Fuck, you feel so good, Leslie,” he said, panting against my skin. “You feel so good.”
I clung to him desperately as the sensations rose up. I clung to him with my arms, my legs, my lips, my pussy, and I tried to hold myself back from climax.
Didn’t want this to end quite yet.
It would end. I would leave. I would be me again. In a few hours, I would head home to my apartment, to little Polly’s empty dog bed. I could feel its pull, its inevitability heavy in my heart. My rocking became faster, clumsier as I pressed messy kisses into his hair, on any part of him I could reach.
“Fuck,” Josh said, lifting his face to capture my mouth again. His voice was thick and hoarse, the sexiest thing I’d ever heard—but somehow aching like I did. His hips jerked against my pelvis, and his body grew tighter and tighter as the frantic motion of our bodies intensified.
My head fell back as pleasure welled up inside me, Tears streamed down my face when my spine arched involuntarily. “Oh, God.”
Josh kissed me one more time with clumsy, unfocused passion. Tremors had started to run through his body as he tried to rein in his release.
Then I came, clutching him, riding out the waves of pleasure as his control broke and he fell into climax too.
We gasped and slumped together against the pillows, holding each other in an urgent grip that softened as our bodies relaxed.
I felt that same weird ache afterwards—the one that reminded me that I could pretend to be someone else, but I was always, only me—but I ignored it and focused on the post-orgasmic languor.
After a few minutes, I actually fell asleep.
***
A few hours later, I was dressed and getting ready to leave.
“Thank you,” I said to Josh, who was walking with me to my car. “For the night. It was…it was what I needed.”
He nodded, his face sober again, both the wry cleverness and the passion gone. “Me too,” he said quietly.
He looked tired in the early morning light. As tired as I felt.
“I wish you the best—with your vet practice and everything.”
“Thanks. You too.” He opened his mouth as if he would say something else, but then he shut it again.
I didn’t know what he’d been going to say, but there wasn’t really any need for it. The night was over, and it was what it was. Nothing we said was going to change it.
I’d never really felt like a grown-up, although my age certainly told me I was. But I’d at least learned one thing in the years I’d been alive. Pretending something was something else didn’t actually make it so.
I leaned over and pressed a light kiss against his mouth, feeling exhausted, worn, and aching in more ways than one. “Goodbye, Josh.”
There was a vague ache in his eyes that matched mine. “Goodbye.”
I got in my car and drove away, and he was standing in the parking lot watching until I turned out of sight.
Four
Three weeks later, I went out for a “girls’ night” with two friends who worked with me as paralegals.
It had been a very hard few weeks. Despite the intensity of the night I’d spent with Josh, I cried every time I thought about Polly. I missed her so much sometimes when I was in my apartment alone in the evenings, that I had to leave and take a jog around the neighborhood. But I was finally getting to the point where I didn’t completely fall apart every time she crossed my mind, and Donna and Jo had been nagging me to go out with them, so I finally said yes.
It was Friday night, and I didn’t have anything else to do.
We went to a Mexican restaurant and drank margaritas with dinner. Then it was only eight o’clock, and Donna and Jo wanted to go somewhere else. I happened to remember—for no particular reason—that the bar I’d gone to with Josh was just a couple of blocks away.
So I mentioned the bar to them.
They were excited about trying out a new place, so we headed over to the bar. It was more crowded than it had been on the Tuesday night that I’d gone there with Josh, but it certainly wasn’t packed. We ordered beers and took an empty table.
I felt strange being in the bar again, and I couldn’t help but glance around, on the off chance Josh was there. He lived just down the block, after all.
He wasn’t. It was ridiculous to assume he would be. Yes, he was the one who’d suggested the bar last time, but that didn’t mean he hung out here all the time.
Even if he did, it wasn’t like anything else was going to happen between us. It was clearly a one-time thing—fueled by grief, restlessness, and something lost.
I hadn’t heard from him since. Of course, I hadn’t. And naturally I hadn’t made any attempt to contact him either.
He was young and good-looking and smart and sexy. He had a good job and he was single and he was straight. Women were no doubt falling all over him all the time—much younger, prettier, and more interesting women than me.
One thing I wasn’t going to do was make a fool of myself over a man. I’d done that plenty of times in my twenties, and a couple of times in my thirties too. I wasn’t going to do it again.
I felt briefly stupid as I realized I was searching the bar for one handsome face and pair of broad shoulders, so I immediately stopped.
“I think the guy in the corner there is into you, Leslie,” Jo said. She was what my mother would have called a “comfortable-looking” woman in her forties. She had a husband and two kids who were both in college now.
Automatically, I turned to see who she referred to. He looked to be about seventy and was wearing a leather jacket, despite the warm night.
He gave me a half-hearted leer.
I turned back to glare at Jo, who had burst into laughter. I tried to maintain my glare when Donna started giggling too.
> Donna was thirty-two, and she seemed to always have a boyfriend. She’d made a point of not making plans tonight, though, so she could come out with us.
“Age shouldn’t matter,” Jo said primly. “You never know.”
“Right. He’s a real catch.” I felt kind of silly about the kick in my heart when I’d turned to look, since my mind had immediately flown to Josh.
What the hell was wrong with me? I knew better than to hope for something like that.
“So there’s no one you’re interested in?” Donna asked.
I shook my head. “I’ve dated everyone I know who I could be remotely interested in, and I never meet anyone else.”
It wasn’t exactly true, but it was mostly true. And I wasn’t going to tell anyone about my intense one-night stand. Talking about it would somehow take the power out of it. It would have to remain private.
“Well, you might meet someone if you’d get out there a little,” Donna said. “If all you do is go to work and stay home, of course you’re not going to meet anyone.”
I knew that was true. I’d tried dating sites before, which was how I’d met most of the men I’d gone out with in the last several years. But those were exhausting and kind of depressing—since they turned up men with the same issues as all the other men I’d ever known. Either they didn’t want me or I didn’t want them, so I’d eventually given up looking.
It wasn’t like my life was bad. My job was good. My apartment was good. My friends were good. My family was good.
And Polly had been good.
I made myself not think about her.
“Now, there’s a good-looking guy,” Jo said, in a different tone.
I looked. Naturally, I looked. Just like any woman would have looked at the promise of a good-looking guy.
It was Josh. He’d just walked in. He must have come right off of work, since he was wearing khakis and a dress shirt, the same thing he’d worn when I’d seen him at the vet’s office before. He was alone, and he obviously knew the bartender, since they were talking as he took a stool at the bar.
He accepted the beer the bartender handed him and sipped it as he watched the game on the television above the bar.
He obviously hadn’t noticed me. He seemed relaxed, like he came here often after work to unwind.
I turned back to Donna and Jo and saw they both were watching me.
“What?” I demanded, feeling self-conscious. Surely they couldn’t tell I’d fucked him three weeks ago, not from nothing more than my expression.
“He’s good-looking, isn’t he?” Donna asked.
“Yeah. I know him, actually. He’s a new vet at the one I go to…went to.”
“Oh.” Jo looked excited. “Well, go over and talk to him.”
“I’m not going to talk to him. I don’t know him that well.” It was true, and I felt ridiculously awkward—almost shy—at the idea of running into him again.
“He’s seen you,” Donna said, giving a discreet look over to the bar. “Leslie, he’s seen you.”
I hesitated just a moment before I turned back toward the bar.
He had indeed seen me. His eyes were resting on me, over the beer he was bringing to his mouth. He wasn’t smiling, and I couldn’t really understand his expression.
But, when our eyes met, he nodded. In acknowledgement of my presence, I assumed.
I nodded back. Then hurriedly turned toward my friends again, my cheeks feeling suddenly warm.
“Why can’t you even smile at him?” Jo complained, rolling her eyes at me disapprovingly. “He’s going to assume you’re not interested.”
“He didn’t smile at me.”
“I think he was waiting to see what you would do.”
I felt stupid and clueless and like a fucking teenager, and I didn’t like feeling that way. “Don’t be ridiculous. He’s too good-looking for me. Plus, he’s too young.”
Jo had been studying Josh, and not even trying to be discreet. “I don’t think he’s that young. A few years doesn’t make a difference once you’re over thirty. And what do you mean he’s too good-looking for you? You’re beautiful.”
“I am not beautiful.”
“Yes, you are. I think he’s interested. He keeps glancing over here.”
I was dying to turn and look again, but I resisted the impulse. I was a grown-up woman. I wasn’t in high school anymore. I shouldn’t feel so fluttery and uncertain at the appearance of a random guy. “Would you all stop looking at him? He’s going to think we’re talking about him.”
“We are talking about him.” Donna grinned at me. “We need more beers, so go over and get them for us, will you?”
“Donna.”
“I’m serious. Go get us more beers. Just say hello. If you know him, it’s perfectly polite. It would be more strange not to even talk to him.”
She was right. I should have smiled and waved when I first saw him. Now, the whole thing felt weird. But they weren’t going to leave me alone until I went up to the bar, so I stifled my nerves and got to my feet.
I was still wearing work clothes—a pencil skirt and simple top—so at least I looked pretty good. My legs were good, anyway. He watched me as I approached, and I saw his eyes give me a once-over, lingering briefly on my legs.
I stood next to the stool on which he sat and asked the bartender for more beers.
Then I turned my head to look at Josh.
There was a smile in his eyes and in the slightest tilt of his lips. “Did you tell your friends we had sex?” he murmured.
“No. They just think you’re interested in me.” I felt better, less nervous, because he’d brought the topic up right away. It didn’t feel so strange and tense if you just talked about it.
“Ah. Well, they’re not wrong.”
I blinked in surprise, wondering if he was really coming on to me again.
The smile warmed in his expression as his eyes caressed my face. “I still really like your freckles.”
I laughed softly but felt ridiculously self-conscious, so I ducked my head, hiding some of my face with my hair. I tried to think of something clever or flirtatious to say, but could come up with absolutely nothing.
“The truth is,” he continued, in a different tone, “I’m not in the market for a serious relationship.”
I lifted my head. “What?”
“I want to come onto you again. I’m dying to come onto you. But I want to be upfront about things. I don’t do serious relationships. That’s not a possibility.”
I couldn’t believe he was telling me this so openly, so unabashedly. It was oddly refreshing and, at the same time, made my heart start to race.
He leaned in closer so his mouth was next to my ear. His murmur had gotten thicker, sexier. “You turn me on just standing there. I want to fuck you again. I want to make you come harder than you’ve ever come before. But that’s all it would be. If you want hot sex with no-strings, then I’m your man. But if you want something serious, then you should just walk away.”
I was speechless. Hot all over my body and speechless. I had no idea what I would say, even if I could get my voice to work.
Josh took another swallow of his beer, his lips somehow sensual against the glass, giving me thoughts I definitely shouldn’t have.
I turned my head and stared at the three beers the bartender had set in front of me.
“I’ll be here for a while,” Josh said, with a smile that was almost smug, as if he knew the effect he’d had on me. “Just think about it.”
I still couldn’t say anything, so I took the beers and returned to the table, my mind reeling with what had just happened.
I’d always wanted a serious, stable relationship. Every time I started dating, that was the ultimate end point I’d had in mind. Whenever a relationship stopped being a possibility for a serious future, for whatever reason, I’d ended it.
I wasn’t at the point in my life where hot sex with no strings was something I’d be looking for.
But
for some reason I was tempted. Really, really tempted.
I wanted to be the kind of woman who might do something like that.
“That looked like it went well,” Donna said, when I sat down again. “He’s definitely into you. Are you going to see him again?”
“Maybe.” There was no way I was going to explain that he’d just invited me to have hot sex with him—and nothing else. I could hardly wrap my mind around it.
“You can ditch us if you want,” Jo said. “Seriously. We won’t be offended.”
“I’m not going to ditch you. If anything happens, it will be later. Now drop the subject.”
As we drank our beers and chatted, my eyes would occasionally drift over to Josh. When our gazes met, I could see exactly what he was thinking. There was a promise in his eyes—of the good time he could give me.
The question was whether I wanted that kind of good time, if it would never lead to anything else.
Giving up the hope for a serious relationship would be a regret.
Of course, turning down Josh’s offer might also be a regret.
I was torn and confused and increasingly hot. Eventually, I was annoyed with Josh for just handing the whole thing over to me.
If he’d really come onto me, I definitely would have responded. Then I wouldn’t have had to think about it so much—just reciprocate his advances. But, this way, I had to be the one to make a real decision and then come back to him. Or not.
I’d never approached a man and told him I wanted sex in my life. It simply wasn’t something I did.
I’d come no further in making a decision when our beers were done and Donna and Jo were ready to leave. Josh was still at the bar, watching the game.
I knew he was waiting for me.
If I went back to him, he would take me home.
If I left the bar, he would know my answer was “no.”
The easy thing to do was just to leave. Since I still didn’t know what it was I should do, that was what ended up happening. Donna and Jo got up to leave, so I had to too. They headed for the door, so I went with them.
I glanced over at Josh before I left the bar, and I saw he’d turned his head to watch me go.