I felt the thud deep in my chest. Edgar's voice seemed suddenly far away. "I probably should have told you immediately, but it seemed an obvious hoax. Carson and I didn't want to get your hopes up unnecessarily. I have friends. They were able to rush through the DNA results. We still had hairs from the last mailing." He put a hand on my shoulder. I did not move.
"She's alive, Marc. I don't know how or where, but Tara is alive."
My eyes stayed on the hairs. Tara. They belonged to Tara. The sheen, that golden-wheat hue. I petted them through the plastic. I wanted to reach inside the bag, to touch my daughter, but I thought my heart would burst.
"They want another two million dollars. The note warns us again about calling the police--they claim to have an inside source. They sent another cell phone for you. I have the money in the car. We have another twenty-four hours maybe. That was the window they gave us for the DNA testing. You'll have to be ready."
I finally read the note. Then I looked over at my father in his wheelchair. He still stared straight ahead.
Edgar said, "I know you think I'm rich. I am, I guess. But not like you'd think. I'm leveraged and ..."
I turned toward him. His eyes were wide. His hands shook.
"What I mean to say is that I don't really have that many liquid assets left. I'm not made of money. This is it."
"I'm surprised you're doing this at all," I said.
The words, I could see immediately, wounded him. I wanted to take them back, but for some reason I didn't. I let my eyes drift back toward my father. Dad's face remained frozen, but--I looked closer--there was a tear on his cheek. That didn't mean anything. Dad has teared up before, usually with no apparent provocation. I did not take this as any j kind of sign.
And then, I don't know why, I followed his gaze. I looked across the soccer field, past the goalposts, past two women with Baby Joggers, all the way to the street nearly a hundred yards away. My stomach | dropped. There, standing on the sidewalk, looking back at me with his hands in his pockets, was a man wearing a flannel shirt and black jeans and a Yankee cap.
I couldn't say for sure that it was the same man from the ransom drop. Red-and-black flannel is hardly an uncommon pattern. And maybe it was | my imagination--I was pretty far away--but I think he was smiling at me. I felt my whole body jerk.
Edgar said, "Marc?"
I barely heard him. I rose and kept my eyes up. At first, the man in the flannel stayed perfectly still. I ran toward him.
"Marc?"
But I knew that it was no mistake. You don't forget. You close your eyes and you still see him. He never leaves you. You wish for moments like this. I knew that. And I knew what wishes could bring. But I ran straight toward him. Because there was no mistake. I knew who it was.
When I was still a good distance away, the man lifted his hand and waved to me. I kept moving, but I could already see that it was futile. I was only halfway across the park when a white van drove up. The man in flannel snapped a salute in my direction before disappearing into the back.
The van was out of sight before I reached the street.
Chapter They were playing games with me. Going in and out. Speeding up and slowing down. In focus and suddenly blurred. But that did not last long. I let the surgeon side of me take over. He, Marc the Doctor, knew how to compartmentalize. I have always found this easier to do at work than in my personal life. The skill--to partition, to separate, to detach--has never translated. At work, I am able to take my emotional excess and channel it, allow it to converge into a constructive focus. I have never been successful at doing this at home.
But this crisis had forced a change. Compartmentalizing wasn't a question of desire as much as survival. To get emotional, to allow myself to wallow in doubt or consider the implications of a child missing for eighteen months ... it would paralyze me. That was probably what the kidnappers wanted. They wanted me to come apart. But I work well under pressure. I am at my best. I know that. I had to do that now. The walls came up. I could look at the situation rationally.
First thing: No, I would not contact the police this time.
But that did not mean I had to wait around helplessly.
By the time Edgar handed me the duffel bag stuffed with money, I had an idea.
I called Cheryl and Lenny's house. There was no answer. I checked my watch. Eight-fifteen in the morning. I didn't have Cheryl's cell phone, but it would be better to do this in person anyway.
I drove over to Willard Elementary School and arrived at eight twenty-five. I parked behind a line of SUVs and minivans and got out. This elementary school, like so many others, has the bricks, the cemen t back steps, the one level, the architectural design made shapeless by the many additions. Some additions try to blend in, but then there are the others, usually built between 1968 and 1975, that were faux sleek with blue glass and odd tiling. They looked like post-apocalyptic greenhouses.
Kids scrambled around the playground as they always do. The difference was, the parents now stayed and watched. They chatted with one another and when the bell rang, they made sure that their charges were safely ensconced inside the brick or sleek blue glass before departing. I hated to see the fear in the eyes of the parents. But I understood it. The day you become a parent, fear becomes your constant companion. It never lets you go. My life was Exhibit A in the why.
Cheryl's blue Chevy Suburban pulled into the drop-off line. I started toward her. She was unharnessing Justin from his car seat when she spotted me. Justin gave her a dutiful kiss, an act he takes for granted which, I guess, is how it should be, and then he ran off. Cheryl watched him as though afraid he could vanish on the short concrete trek. Kids can never understand that fear, but that's okay. Hard enough to be a kid without having that weight on you.
"Hey," Cheryl said to me.
I said hi back. Then: "I need something."
"What?"
"Rachel's phone number."
Cheryl was already back at the driver-side door. "Get in."
"My car is parked over there."
"I'll bring you back. Swim practice ran late. I've got to get Marianne to school."
She had already started the car. I hopped up into the front passenger seat. I turned and smiled at Marianne. She wore headphones and quick fingered her Game Boy Advance. She gave me an absentminded wave, barely glancing up. Her hair was still wet. Conner was in the child seat next to her. The car reeked of chlorine, but I found the smell oddly comforting. Lenny, I know, cleans out the car religiously, but you can't possibly keep up. There were French fries in the crevice between the seats. Crumbs of unknown origin clung to the upholstery. On the floor by my feet lay a potpourri of school notices and children's artwork that had been subjected to onslaughts of rain boots. I sat on a small action figure, the kind that McDonald's gives away with their Happy Meals. A CD case reading now that's what I call music sat between us, providing listeners with the latest from Britney and Christina and Generic Boy Band. The windows in the back were smeared with greasy fingerprints.
The kids were only allowed to play with the Game Boy in the car, never in the house. They were never, under any circumstance, allowed to watch a PG-13 movie. I asked Lenny about how he and Cheryl went about deciding such matters and he responded, "It's not the rules themselves, but the fact that there are rules." I think I know what he meant.
Cheryl kept her eyes on the road. "It's not my nature to pry."
"But you want to know my intentions."
"I guess."
"And if I don't want to tell you?"
"Maybe," she said, "it's better if you don't."
"Trust me here, Cheryl. I need the number."
She flipped on her signal light. "Rachel is still my closest friend."
"Okay."
"It took her a long time to get over you." She hesitated.
"And vice versa."
"Exactly. Look, I'm not saying this right. It's just. . . there are some things you need to know."
"Like?"
She kept her eyes on the road, two hands on the wheel. "You asked J Lenny why we never told you she got divorced."
"Yes."
Cheryl glanced in the rearview mirror, not at the road, but at her daughter. Marianne seemed wrapped up in her game. "She didn't get divorced. Her husband is dead."
Cheryl glided to a stop in front of the middle school. Marianne took off the headphones and slid out. She did not bother with the dutiful kiss, but she did say good-bye. Cheryl put the car back in drive.
"I'm sorry to hear that," I said, because that was what people said under these circumstances. I almost added, because the mind works in very strange and even macabre ways: Hey, Rachel and I have something else in common.
And then, as if Cheryl could read these thoughts, she said, "He was | shot."
This eerie parallel sat between us for several seconds. I stayed quiet.
"I don't know the details," she quickly added. "He was with the FBI too. Rachel was one of the highest-ranking women in the bureau at the time. She resigned after he died. She stopped taking my calls. It hasn't been good for her since." Cheryl pulled up to my car and stopped. "I'm telling you this because I want you to understand. A lot of years have passed since college. Rachel isn't the same person you loved all those years ago."
I kept my tone steady. "I just need her phone number."
Without another word, Cheryl grabbed a pen from the visor, uncapped it with her teeth, and jotted the number on a Dunkin' Donuts napkin.
"Thanks," I said.
She barely nodded as I got out.
I did not hesitate. I had my cell phone. I slipped into my car and dialed the number. Rachel answered with a tentative hello. My words were simple enough.
"I need your help."
Chapter Five hours later, Rachel's train pulled into Newark Station.
I couldn't help but think of all those old movies where trains separate lovers, steam billowing from beneath, the conductor calling a last warning, the whistle sounding, the chug-chug as the wheels begin to move, one lover hanging out and waving, the other running along the platform. I don't know why I thought of this. The Newark train station is about as romantic as a pile of hippo dung with head lice. The train approached with nary a whisper and nothing you'd want to see or smell wafted in the air.
But when Rachel stepped off, I still felt the hum in my chest. She was dressed in faded blue jeans and a red turtleneck. Her overnight bag dangled from one shoulder, and she hoisted it up as she stepped down. For a moment, I just stared. I'd just turned thirty-six years old. Rachel was thirty-five. We had not been together since our very early twenties. We had lived our entire adult lives apart. Odd when you think of it that way. I told you before about our breakup. I try to unearth the whys, but maybe it is that simple. We were kids. Kids do dumb things. Kids don't understand repercussions, don't think long term. Kids don't understand that the hum may never really leave your chest.
Yet today, when I realized that I needed help, I thought first of Rachel. And she had come.
She moved toward me with no hesitation. "You okay?"
"Fine."
"Did they call?"
"Not yet."
She nodded and started walking down the platform. Her tone was no nonsense. She, too, had slipped into her role as a professional. "Tell me more about the DNA test."
"I don't know anything else."
"So it's not definitive?"
"Not court-evidence definitive, no, but they seem pretty sure."
Rachel shifted her bag from her right shoulder to her left. I tried to keep up with her pace. "We have to make some tough decisions, Marc. You ready for that?"
"Yes."
"First off, are you certain that you don't want to contact the cops or FBI?"
"The note said they had an inside source."
"That's probably bull," she said.
We walked a few more steps.
"I contacted the authorities last time," I said.
"Doesn't mean it was the wrong move."
"But it certainly wasn't the right one."
She made a yes-no gesture with her head. "You don't know what happened last time. Maybe they spotted the tail. Maybe they watched your house. But most likely, they never intended to give her back. You understand that?"
"Yes."
"But you still want them left out."
"It's why I called you."
She nodded and finally stopped, waiting for me to signal which way. I pointed to the right. She started up again. "Another thing," she said.
"What?"
"We can't let them dictate the tempo this time. We have to insist on assurances that Tara is alive."
"They'll say the hairs prove it."
"And we'll say the tests were inconclusive."
"You think they'll buy that?"
"I don't know. Probably not." She kept walking, the cut of her jaw held high. "But this is what I mean by tough decisions. That flannel shirt guy in the park? That's about head games. They want to intimidate and weaken you. They want you to follow blindly again. Tara is your child. If you want to just hand over the money again, that's up to you. But I wouldn't advise it. They vanished before. There's no reason to think they won't again."
We entered the parking garage. I handed the attendant my ticket. "So what do you suggest?" I asked her.
"A few things. First, we have to demand an exchange. No 'Here's the money, call us later.' We get your daughter when they get the money."
"And if they don't agree?"
She looked at me with those eyes. "Tough decisions. You understand?"
I nodded.
"I also want a total electronic surveillance hookup, so I can stay with you. I want to strap on a fiber-optic camera and see what this guy looks like, if possible. We don't have manpower, but there are still things we can do."
"Suppose they catch on?"
"Suppose they run away again?" she countered. "We're taking chances here no matter what we do. I'm trying to learn from what happened the first time. There are no guarantees. I'm simply trying to improve our odds."
The car arrived. We slid in and started up McCarter Highway. Rachel suddenly grew very quiet. The years' again melted away. I knew this posture. I had seen it before.
"What else?" I said.
"Nothing."
"Rachel."
Something in my tone made her look away. "There are some things you should know."
I waited.
"I called Cheryl," she said. "I know she filled you in on most of it. You understand that I'm not a fed anymore."
"Yes."
"There's a limit to what I can do."
"I understand that." She sat back. The posture was still there. "What else?"
"You need a reality check here, Marc."
We pulled to a red light. I turned and looked at her--really looked at her--for the first time. The eyes still had that hazel with gold flakes. I know the years had been tough, but it didn't show in the eyes.
"The odds that Tara is still alive are minuscule," she said.
"But the DNA test," I countered.
"I'll handle that later."
"Handle it?"
"Later," she said again.
"What the hell does that mean? It's a match. Edgar said the final confirmation is a formality."
"Later," she repeated with steel in her voice. "Right now we might as well assume that she's alive. We should go through with the ransom drop-off as if there is a healthy child on the other end. But somewhere along the line, I need you to understand that this could be an elaborate con."
"How do you figure?"
"That's not relevant."
"Like hell it isn't. Are you saying, what, they faked a DNA test?"
"I doubt it." Then she added, "But it's a possibility."
"How? There was a match between the two sets of hairs."
"The hairs matched each other."
"Yes."
"But," she said, "how do you know the first set of hairs-
-the ones you got a year and a half ago--belonged to Tara?"
It took a few moments for the meaning to reach me.
"Did you ever run a test on the first set, see if the DNA matched yours?" she asked.
"Why would we?"
"So for all you know, the original kidnappers sent you the hairs of another kid."
I tried to shake my head clear. "But they had a snippet of her clothes," I said. "The pink with black penguins. How do you explain that?"
"You don't think the Gap sold more than one of those? Look, I don't know what the story is yet, so let's not get bogged down in hypotheticals. Let's just concentrate on what we can do here and now."
I sat back. We fell into silence. I wondered if I had made the right move by calling her. There was so much excess baggage here. But at th e Ml end of the day, I trusted her. We needed to maintain the professional, to keep compartmentalizing.
"I just want my daughter back," I said.
Rachel nodded, opened her mouth as if to say something, and then grew silent again. And that was when the ransom call came in.
Chapter I liked to stare at old photographs.
She did not know why. They offered her little comfort. The nostalgia factor was, at best, limited. Heshy never looked back. For reasons that she could never properly articulate, Lydia did.
This particular photograph had been taken when Lydia was eight years old. It was a black-and-white still from the beloved classic TV sitcom Family Laughs. The show ran for seven years--in Lydia's case, from the age of six until just near her thirteenth birthday. Family Laughs starred ex-movie hunk Clive Wilkins as the widowed father of three adorable children: twin boys, Tod and Rod, who were eleven when the series began, and an adorable pixie of a little sister named, cutely enough, Trixie, played by the irrepressible Larissa Dane. Yes, the show was at least three steps beyond precious. Old repeats of Family Laughs still run on TV Land.
Every once in a while, the True Hollywood Story runs a piece on the old cast of Family Laughs. Clive Wilkins died from pancreatic cancer two years after the show ended. The narrator would note that Clive was "just like a father on the set," which, Lydia knew, was a load of crap. The guy drank and smelled liked tobacco. When she hugged him for the cameras, it took all her considerable young acting skills not to gag from the stench.