"Please," Lydia said with a small sweep of her arm. "Have a seat so I can explain properly."
Wendy glanced over at the baristas. They were busy gesticulating and whining about what they thought was the great world conspiracy that kept them from the most amazing of lives. Wendy slid back onto the stool. For a few moments, Lydia just stared at her. Wendy tried to hold her gaze.
"You see," Lydia began, offering up a fresh, warm smile and tilting her to the side, "I'm the one who killed your husband."
Wendy's face went pale. "That isn't funny."
"True, yes, I'd have to agree with you on that, Wendy. But then again humor was not really my aim. Would you like to hear a joke instead? I'm on one of those joke e-mail lists. Most are duds, but every once in a while, they send a howler."
Wendy sat stunned. "Who the hell are you?"
"Calm down a second, Wendy."
"I want to know--"
"Shhh." Lydia put her finger to Wendy's lip with too much tenderness. "Let me explain, okay?"
Wendy's lips trembled. Lydia kept her finger there for a few more seconds.
"You're confused. I understand that. Let me clarify a few things for you. First off, yes, I'm the one who put the bullet in Jimmy's head. But Heshy"--Lydia pointed out the window in the direction of an enormous man with a misshapen head--"he did the earlier damage. Personally, by the time I shot Jimmy, well, I think I might have been doing him in a favor."
Wendy just stared.
"You want to know why, am I right? Of course, you do. But deep down inside, Wendy, I think you know. We're women of the world, aren't we? We know our men."
Wendy said nothing.
"Wendy, do you know what I'm talking about?"
"No."
"Sure you do, but I'll say it anyway. Jimmy, your dearly departed husband, owed a great deal of money to some very unpleasant people. As of today, the amount is just under two hundred thousand dollars." Lydia smiled. "Wendy, you're not going to pretend you know nothing about your husband's gambling woes, are you?"
Wendy had trouble forming the words in her mouth. "I don't understand. ..."
"I hope your confusion has nothing to do with my gender."
"What?"
"That would be really narrow and sexist on your part, don't you think? This is the twenty-first century. Women can be whatever they want."
"You"--Wendy stopped, tried again--"you murdered my husband?"
"Do you watch much television, Wendy?"
"What?"
"Television. You see, on television, whenever someone like your husband owes money to someone like me, well, what happens?"
Lydia stopped as if she really expected her to answer. Wendy finally said, "I don't know."
"Sure you do, but again I'll answer for you. The someone-like-me-- okay, usually the male someone-like-me--is sent to threaten him. Then maybe my cohort Heshy out there would beat him up or break his legs, something like that. But they never kill the guy. That's one of those TV bad-guy rules. 'You can't collect from a dead man.' You've heard that, haven't you, Wendy?"
She waited. Wendy finally said, "I guess."
"But, see, that's wrong. Let's take Jimmy, for example. Your husband had a disease. Gambling. Am I right? It cost you everything, didn't it? The insurance business. That had been your father's. Jimmy took it over for him. It's gone now. Wiped out. The bank was ready to foreclose on your house. You and the kids barely had enough money for groceries. And still Jimmy didn't stop." Lydia shook her head. "Men. Am I right?"
There were tears in Wendy's eyes. Her voice, when she was able to speak, was so weak. "So you killed him?"
Lydia looked up, shaking her head gently. "I'm really not explaining this well, am I?" She lowered her gaze and tried again. "Have you ever heard the expression that you can't squeeze blood from a stone?"
Again Lydia waited for an answer. Wendy finally nodded. Lydia seemed pleased.
"Well, that's the case here. With Jimmy, I mean. I could have Heshy out there work him over--Heshy is good at that--but what good would that do? Jimmy didn't have the money. He would never be able to get his hands on that kind of cash." Lydia sat a little straighter and put out her hands. "Now, Wendy, I want you to think like a businessman-- check that, a businessperson. We don't have to be raving feminists, but I think we should at least keep ourselves on equal footing."
Lydia gave Wendy another smile. Wendy cringed.
"Okay, so what am I--as a wise businessperson--what am I supposed to do? I can't let the debt go unpaid, of course. In my line of work, that's professional suicide. Someone owes my employer money, they have to pay. No way around that. The problem here is, Jimmy doesn't have a cent to his name but"--Lydia stopped and widened her smile--"but he does have a wife and three kids. And he used to be in the insurance business. Do you see where I'm going with this, Wendy?"
Wendy was afraid to breathe.
"Oh, I think you do, but again I'll say it for you. Insurance. More specifically, life insurance. Jimmy had a policy. He didn't admit it right away, but eventually, well, Heshy can be persuasive." Wendy's eyes drifted toward the window. Lydia saw the shiver and hid a smile. "Jimmy told us he had two policies, in fact, with a total payout of nearly a million dollars."
"So you"--Wendy was struggling to comprehend--"you killed Jimmy for the insurance money?"
Lydia snapped her fingers. "You go, girlfriend."
Wendy opened her mouth but nothing came out.
"And, Wendy? Let me make this crystal clear. Jimmy's debts don't die with him. We both know that. The bank still wants you to pay the mortgage, am I right? The credit-card companies don't stop mounting the interest." Lydia shrugged her small shoulders, palms to the sky. "Why should my employer be any different?"
"You can't be serious."
"Your first insurance check should come in about a week. By that time, your husband's debt will be two hundred eighty thousand dollars. I'll expect a check for that amount on that day."
"But the bills he left alone--"
"Shhh." Again Lydia silenced her with a finger to her lips. Her voice dropped to an intimate whisper. "That doesn't really concern me, Wendy. I have given you the rare opportunity to get out from under. Declare bankruptcy, if you must. You live in a ritzy area. Move out. Have Jack--that's your eleven-year-old, correct?"
Wendy jolted at the sound of her son's name.
"Well, no summer camp for Jack this year. Have him get a job after school. Whatever. None of that concerns me. You, Wendy, will pay what you owe, and that will be the end of this. You will never see or hear from me again. If you don't pay, however, well, take a good look at Heshy over there." She paused, letting Wendy do just that. It had the desired effect.
"We'll kill little Jack first. Then, two days later, we'll kill Lila. If you report this conversation to the police, we'll kill Jack and Lila and Darlene. All three, in age order. And then, after you bury your children--please listen, Wendy, because this is key--I'll still make you pay."
Wendy couldn't speak.
Lydia followed up a deep, caffeinated sip with an "Ahh" of satisfaction. "Dee-lightful," she said, rising from her seat. "I really enjoyed our little girl chat, Wendy. We should get together again soon. Say, your house at noon on Friday the sixteenth?"
Wendy kept her head down.
"Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to pay the debt," Wendy said.
Lydia smiled at her. "Again, my sincerest condolences."
Lydia headed outside and breathed in the fresh air. She looked behind her. Wendy Burnet had not moved. Lydia waved goodbye and met up with Heshy. He was nearly six six. She was five one. He weighed 275 pounds. She was 105. He had a head like a misshapen pumpkin. Her features seemed to have been made in the Orient out of porcelain.
"Problems?" Heshy asked.
"Please," she said with a dismissive wave. "On to more profitable ventures. Did you find our man?"
"Yes."
&
nbsp; "And the package is already out?"
"Sure, Lydia."
"Very good." She frowned, felt a gnawing.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I have a funny feeling, that's all."
"You want to back out?"
Lydia smiled at him. "Not on your life, Pooh Bear."
"Then what do you want to do?"
She thought about it. "Let's just see how Dr. Seidman reacts."
Chapter 9
"Don't drink dny more apple juice," Cheryl told her two-year-old, Conner.
I stood on the sidelines with my arms folded. It was a bit nippy, the frosty, damp chill of late New Jersey autumn, so I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my Yankee cap. I also had on a pair of Ray-Bans. Sunglasses and hood. I looked very much like the police sketch of the Unabomber.
We were at a soccer game for eight-year-old boys. Lenny was the head coach. He needed an assistant and recruited me because, I assume, I am the only one who knows even less about soccer than he does. Still our team was winning. I think the score was about eighty-three to two, but I am not certain.
"Why can't I have more juice?" Conner asked. "Because," Cheryl answered with the patience of a mother, "apple juice gives you diarrhea."
"It does?"
"Yes."
To my right, Lenny drowned the kids in a steady stream of encouragement. "You're the best, Ricky." "Way to go, Petey." "Now that's what I call hustle, Davey." He always added a y to the end of their names. And yes, it is annoying. Once, in a pitch of overexcitement, he called me Marky. Once.
"Uncle Marc?"
I feel a tug at my leg. I look down at Conner, who is twenty-six months old. "What's up, pal?"
"Apple juice gives me a diarrhea."
"Good to know," I said, "Uncle Marc?"
"Yeah?"
Conner gave me his gravest look. "Diarrhea," he said, "is not my friend."
I glanced at Cheryl. She smothered a smile, but I saw the concern there too. I looked back at Conner. "Words to live by, kid."
Conner nodded, pleased by my response. I love him. He breaks my heart and brings me joy in equal measure and at exactly the same time. Twenty-six months old. Two months older than Tara. I watch his development with awe and a longing that could heat a furnace.
He turned back to his mother. Littered about Cheryl was the product of her mommy-as-pack-mule harvest. There were Minute Maid juice boxes and Nutri-Grain bars. There were Pampers Baby-Dry diapers (as opposed to Baby-Wet?) and Huggies wipes containing aloe vera for the discriminating buttock. There were angled baby bottles from Evenflo. There were cinnamon Teddy Grahams and well-scrubbed baby carrots and sectioned oranges and cut-up grapes (sliced the long way so as to make them chokeproof) and cubes of what I hoped was cheese, all hermetically sealed in their own Ziploc bags.
Lenny, the head coach, was yelling out key, game-winning strategy to our players. When we are on offense, he tells them to "Score!" When we are on defense, he advises them to "Stop him!" And then sometimes, like right now, he offers keen insight into the subtleties of the game: "Kick the ball!"
Lenny glanced at me after he'd shouted that for the fourth time in a row. I gave him a thumbs-up and way-to-go nod. He wanted to give me the finger, but there were too many underage witnesses. I refolded my arms and squinted at the field. The kids were geared up like the pros. They wore cleats. Their socks were pulled up over their shin guards. Most wore that black grease under their eyes, even though there was nary a hint of sunshine. Two even had those breathing strip-bandages across their noses. I watched Kevin, my godson, try, per his father's instructions, to kick the ball. And then it hit me like a body blow.
I staggered back.
That was how it always happened. I will be watching the game or I'll be having dinner with friends or I'll be working on a patient or listening to a song on the radio. I'll be doing something normal, average, feeling pretty decent, and then, wham, I get blindsided.
My eyes welled up. That never used to happen to me before the murder and kidnapping. I am a doctor. I know how to play poised in both my professional and personal life. But now I wear sunglasses all the time like some self-important B movie star. Cheryl looked up at me and again I saw the concern. I straightened and forced a smile. Cheryl was becoming beautiful. That happened sometimes. Motherhood agreed with certain women. It gave their physical appearance a wonder and richness that borders on the celestial.
I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I don't spend every day crying. I still live my life. I am bereaved, sure, but not all the time. I am not paralyzed. I work, though I haven't yet had the courage to travel overseas. I keep thinking that I need to stay close by, in case there is a new development. That kind of thinking is, I know, not rational and perhaps even delusional. But I am still not ready.
What gets me--what gives me that surprise wham--is the way grief seems to relish in catching you unawares. Grief, when spotted, can be, if not handled, somewhat manipulated, finessed, concealed. But grief likes to hide behind bushes. It enjoys leaping out of nowhere, startling you, mocking you, stripping away your pretense of normalcy. Grief lulls you to sleep, thus making that blindside hit all the more jarring.
"Uncle Marc?"
It was Conner again. He talked pretty well for a kid his age. I wondered what Tara's voice would have sounded like, and behind my sunglasses, my eyes closed. Sensing something, Cheryl reached out to pull him away. I shook her off. "What is it, pal?"
"What about poop?"
"What about it?"
He looked up and closed one eye in concentration. "Is poop my friend?"
Hell of a question. "I don't know, pal. What do you think?"
Conner considered his own query so hard it appeared as if he might explode. Finally he replied, "It's more my friend than diarrhea."
I nodded sagely. Our team scored another goal. Lenny shot his fists into the air and shouted, "Yes!" He nearly cartwheeled out to congratulate Craig (or should I say Craigy), the goal scorer. The players followed him. ihere was much high-fiving. I didn't join in. My job, I figured, was to be the quiet partner to Lenny's histrionics, the Tonto to his Lone Ranger, the Abbott to his Costello, the Rowan to his Martin, the Captain to his Tennille. Balance.
I watched the parents on the sidelines. The mothers became clusters. They talked about their kids, about their child's achievements and extracurricular activities, and no one listened much because other people's children are boring. The fathers offered more variety. Some videotaped. Some yelled encouragement. Some rode their kids in a way that borders on the unhealthy. Some gabbed on cell phones and constantly fiddled with handheld electronics of one kind or another, experiencing a bit of the bends after spending all week immersed in their work.
Why did I go to the police?
I have been told countless times since that terrible day that I am not to blame for what happened. On one level, I realize that my actions may have changed nothing. In all likelihood, they had never intended to let Tara come home. She might even have been dead before the first ransom call. Her death may have been accidental. Maybe they just panicked or were strung out. Who knows? I certainly don't.
And, ah, there's the rub.
I cannot, of course, be certain that I am not responsible. Basic science: For every action, there is a reaction.
I do not dream about Tara--or if I do, the gods are generous enough to not let me remember. That is probably giving them too much credit. Let me rephrase. I may not dream about Tara specifically, but I do dream about the white van with the mix-and-match license plate and the stolen magnetic sign. In the dreams I hear a noise, muffled, but I'm pretty sure it is the sound of a baby crying. Tara, I know now, was in the van, but in my dream, I don't go toward the sound. My legs are buried deep in that nightmare muck. I can't move. When I finally wake up, I cannot help but ponder the obvious. Was Tara that close to me? And more important: Had I been a little braver, could I have saved her then and there?
The referee, a lanky hig
h-school boy with a good-natured grin, blew the whistle and waved his hands over his head. Game over. Lenny shouted, "Woo, yeah!" The eight-year-olds stared at one another, confused. One asked a teammate, "Who won?" and the teammate shrugged. They lined up, Stanley Cup hockey style, for the postgame handshakes.
Cheryl stood up and put a hand on my back. "Great win, Coach."
"Yeah, I carry this team," I said.
She smiled. The boys started rambling back toward us. I congratulated them with my stoic nod. Craig's mother had brought a fifty-pack of Dunkin' Donuts Munchkins in a box with a Halloween design. Dave's mom had boxes of something called Yoo-hoo, a perverse excuse for chocolate milk that tastes like chalk. I popped a Munchkin in my mouth and skipped the washdown. Cheryl asked, "What flavor was that?"
I shrugged. "They come in different flavors?" I watched the parents interact with their children and felt tremendously out of place. Lenny came toward me.
"Great win, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," I said. "We're the balls."
He gestured for us to step away. I complied. When we were out of earshot, Lenny said, "Monica's estate is almost wrapped up. It shouldn't be too much longer now."
I said, "Uh-huh," because I didn't really care.
"I also have your will drawn up. You need to sign it."
Neither Monica nor I had made up a will. For years, Lenny had warned me about that. You need to put in writing who gets your money, he'd remind me, who is going to raise your daughter, who is going to care for your parents, yadda, yadda, yadda. But we didn't listen. We were going to live forever. Last wills and testaments were for, well, the dead.
Lenny changed subjects on the fly. "You want to come back to the house for a game of foosball?"
Foosball, for those of you who lack a basic education, is that tabletop bar game with the soccer-type men skewered on sticks. "I'm already champion of the world," I reminded him.
"That was yesterday."
"Can't a man revel in his title for little while? I'm not yet ready to let go of the feeling."
"Understood." Lenny headed back to his family. I watched his daughter, Marianne, corner him. She was gesturing like mad. Lenny slumped his shoulders, took out his wallet, peeled out a bill. Marianne took it, kissed him on the cheek, ran off. Lenny watched her disappear, shaking his head. There was a smile on his face. I turned away.
The worst part--or should I say the best part--was that I have hope.