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Scene One: (Simon and April enter their living room they have just arrived home from work. April falls into a chair and pulls off her shoes)
April: My feet are killing me do you think feet can be convicted for attempted murder?
Simon: Only if they're someone else's, if they're your own it's suicide.
April: Put the kettle on dearest. I'd love a nice cup of tea.
Simon: Now don't get into another one of your rages but I'm afraid you'll have to drink your tea without milk.
April: Don't play games with me. The milkman left two pints this morning.
Simon: Well you see April, Nodd and Dodd next door forgot to put out their milk bottles last night, so the milkman didn't leave them any milk.
April: And you gave them ours. I work all day in a dirty, filthy, sweat shop of a factory and come home to an empty bottle of milk.
Simon. I'd run up the street and buy some more only I haven't got any money.
April: Why couldn't Noddy run up to the shop?
Simon: Don't worry, Noddy will return the milk.
April: No one ever returns anything to us.
Simon. Now April, you're just being materialistic.
April: Here you go again. To think I work hard all day just to come home and be lectured in my prime leisure period.
Simon: April, things of this world are transitory. If we worry about what we own and what others own we will waste our lives.
April: All I wanted was a cup of tea, not to be told what a capitalist I am.
Simon: One day April, you will realize that there is a world of the inner spirit deep inside you.
April: I can't take any more of this. I'm going for a walk.
Simon: What about your aching feet?
April. When have you ever cared for my feet? It's your turn to cook tea tonight. I want the steak you bought at the butchers today.
(exits)
Simon: Oh yes the steak.
(the doorbell rings)
Simon. Come in, come in the door's not locked.
Noddy: Hello Simon.
Simon: Good day Noddy.
Noddy: I borrowed two bottles of milk this morning?
Simon: Yes.
Noddy: I brought you the two empty bottles back.
Simon: Thank you very much Noddy that's very considerate of you.
Noddy: You're such a big-hearted fellow Simon that I thought it was the least I could do.
Simon: Oh not at all you shouldn't have.
Noddy: I wanted to Simon.
Simon: You really needn't
Noddy: I did it for you.
Simon: I appreciate that, you have got big heart Noddy.
Noddy: I'm just charitable by nature.
Simon: You're a hero of our time.
Noddy: I like to make people happy.
Simon: A saint.
Noddy: You're not such a bad guy yourself.
Simon: Oh no I'm wicked.
(the doorbell rings)
Noddy: Don't answer that.
Simon: What's the matter?
Noddy: I'll hide in the bathroom and whoever it is, whoever, even if it's my wife, don't tell her I'm here and don't let her into the bathroom.
Simon: Oh Noddy you're playing games with me.
Noddy: Simon I ask you as a friend to do as I say.
Simon: Alright then, it's silly but I will. Of course you know it's better to come out with your problems and discuss them rather than cover them up. Do yourself a favour Noddy I know what I'm talking about. Covering things up is no good.
Noddy: Now now Simon, remember not a syllable.
(Noddy retreats to the bathroom and locks the door behind him, the doorbell rings)
Simon: Come in, come in the door's not locked.
Doddy: Hello Simon.
Simon: Hello Doddy.
Doddy: Simon er, can I wash my hands in the bathroom?
Simon: Did you come over here to wash your hands?
Doddy: Yes, you see your water's so much softer than ours.
Simon: But you have a water softener.
Doddy: Yes well, the truth of the matter is that er well yes, I did all my washing today and lo and behold come midday in a clear blue sky there appeared one small cloud. And where do you think that cloud chose to sprinkle its load? Yes, you guessed it, over my back yard. It was one chance in a million, but down it flooded and subsequently all my washing got soaking wet, especially my towels. Well to cut a long story short, you know what a clean person Noddy is, as soon as he gets home he rushes into the bathroom and jumps into the shower and can you imagine there are no dry towels Noddy is standing in the bathroom dripping wet hollering for a dry towel. What can I do I ask myself? Then I remembered big hearted Simon. So if you don't mind I'll just pop into your bathroom and take a towel on loan.
Simon: Are you sure Noddy is dripping wet in your bathroom?
Doddy: I'm sure he's in a bathroom. (the toilet flushes) Someone is in your bathroom.
Simon: No not at all, by all means no the toilet has a self regulating mechanism so that the user doesn't have to flush it himself. Very handy when you're busy and running late for work and just don't have the time to flush the toilet.
Doddy: Can I see it?
Simon: Are you looking for somebody?
Doddy: Whatever gave you that idea?
Simon: Nothing really.
Doddy: You haven't seen Noddy this evening have you Simon?
Simon: You just told me that he is hollering for a towel in your bathroom dripping wet.
Doddy: As I recall you have got a wonderfully decorated bathroom, I especially like the golden bronze floor.
Simon: No nobody's in there.
Doddy: I just want to have a little peek to remind me of what it looks like.
Simon: Whatever for? It's just a normal everyday pokey little bathroom.
Doddy: Get out of my way.
Simon: To tell you the truth Doddy I haven't cleaned the bathroom for a month.
Doddy: I don't mind it will look lived in.
Simon: Come and see the garden.
Doddy: Step aside.
Simon: Never!
(they push and shove and grunt and Doddy finally pushes Simon aside)
Doddy: It's locked, well I'll have to give it a gentle push. (she batters down the door) There's no one here but the window's open.
April: Simon I'm home. Hello Doddy. When's dinner going to be ready Simon?
Simon: Oh God dinner. I'm still cutting up the vegetables darling.
April: You think your April is a fool. We haven't got any vegetables.. You gave them all to Sylvania last night because she forgot to get some when she went to the supermarket.
Doddy: That Sylvania will eat you out of house and home I don't trust her. I saw her talking with my Nodd the other day she's up to no good I tell you.
Simon: April darling I'm afraid that not only haven't we got any vegetables but we haven't any steak either.
April: No steak what do you think I am a vegetarian?
Simon: Vegetables are good for you.
April: But we haven't got any vegetables.
Simon: No dear.
April: Why didn't you buy steak?
Simon: At lunch time I knocked off from work and went down the street to the butchers, on the way I naturally passed the pub, which is natural because it's on the way. Well lying in the gutter was a drunk. He looked as if he hadn't had a good meal for days so I gave him all the money I had. When I got to the butcher I couldn't buy any steak because I didn't have any money.
April: You're incurable. It's like a disease charitabalius terminius fatalius.
Simon: Now April there is more to life....
April: No lectures please.
Simon: You will let me lend a dry towel to Doddy?
April: No!
Simon: She doesn't mean that Doddy.
April: I do.
Simon: She doesn't.
April: Yes I do.
<
br /> Simon: There you are she said yes.
April: No I didn't.
Simon: Yes you did.
April: That yes was a no.
Simon: Well I think you're being mean and selfish.
April. For once I'm putting my foot down. I'm fed up with you giving everything away and then upbraiding and lecturing me. I don't think you'd like it much if every time I opened my mouth out popped a sermon. I might give you an ear full one of these days see how you like it.
Doddy: Look Simon I don't want to cause trouble. I'll just forget about the towel.
Simon: No Doddy this is a matter of principle, here have this towel.
April: No give that back. (she grabs it)
Simon: Give that towel to me April.
April: This was a wedding present.
Simon: Don't force me to take it from you. Noddy is standing in his bathroom dripping wet hollering for a towel.
April: I'm defending my house against the encroachment of society.
Simon: April you're shattering my faith in you.
Doddy: Simon I'll let myself out.
Simon: No stay Doddy. April hand me that towel.
April: Never.
Simon: Lending this mere piece of towelling cloth to our poor suppliant Doddy will help bring peace and happiness to mankind. One day everybody will live in one large happy community and your lending of this towel to Doddy will be the symbolic beginning of a new age of happiness for humanity.
Apri1: I'm not going to weaken.
Simon: Noddy will catch his death. (he grabs one end of the towel)
April: Let go, let go I tell you.
Simon: I will never let go of my beliefs.
April: I'm fighting for my rights as a towel owner in this community.
Simon: April, I'm disappointed in you. Don't you believe in the magnificent future of mankind, in the golden days of paradise to come?
April: This towel has nothing what so ever to do with the golden days of paradise to come.
Simon: Heretic!
April: Simon face the truth. When all's said and done a towel is a towel.
Simon: Pagan, infidel Doddy help me pull this towel out of April's hands.
April: I shall never let go.
Simon: One, two, three, pull. (the towel tears in two) Well there's half the towel. I apologise for April's disgraceful behaviour.
April: You're so kind to me dear.
Simon: You disgust and shock me.
April: Darling, you say such loving things.
Simon: You're detestable.
April: Your words are so sweet.
Simon: Animal.
April: Such eloquent loving phrases.
Simon. Leave my house.
April: So it's your house now.
Simon: Well no…
April: Simon has now admitted he owns a house and he orders his poor wife, that's me, to leave. Doddy, Simon has contracted the fatal disease materialius diabolicius fatalicius.
Simon: I shall leave this house.
April: Was it something I said?
Simon: I refuse to live in a disease ridden cesspool.
April: I'd ask you to stay a few days longer but I don't think we've got anything left to give away.
Simon: I'm going to the bathroom to get my toothbrush. Then you'll never see me again. (exits to bathroom)
April: Oh Simon you care more for your toothbrush than for me.
Doddy: I'm terribly sorry April I didn't mean to cause you any marital strife, I've got enough of my own.
April: Don't worry about it this is a game we play it's called marriage. Simon don't go, I'm converted. I'm going to give everything away. Here Doddy, here's the other half of the towel. Would you like a coffee table. Here have a coffee table. Simon I'm giving everything away.
Doddy: I don't want your coffee table.
April: I insist, take it and here's a broken left footed thong, you never know you might have your right foot amputated one day and it might come in handy. Now here is a special gift, a saucer containing one used tea bag.
Doddy: But April what do I want with all this?
April: Take it all I have given up worldly things for the life of the spirit.
Doddy: If you had the other thong to make this a pair they might fit Noddy.
April: Here is something for Noddy, Simon's old toothbrush or maybe you would like to keep it for yourself.
Doddy: I think I'd better be going.
April: Don't go I've still got plenty to give away.
Doddy: No, nothing else thanks, this house is full of crazy people.
(Doddy rushes out, Simon enters and begins searching under the sofa, he pulls out a woman's hat decorated with feathers and plastic fruit, a right thong and a rubber chicken)
April: Haven't you gone yet Simon?
Simon: I can't find my toothbrush.
April: When you go you can leave that chicken I'll have it for tea and I'll have the hat for dessert.
Simon: Have you seen my toothbrush?
April: I gave it to Doddy.
Simon: You what?
April: Noddy didn't put out the milk bottles last night, so the milkman didn't leave him a toothbrush to have with his breakfast and there wasn't a cloud in the sky but it rained all over Noddy's teeth so I lent him your toothbrush.
Simon: A person's toothbrush is a person's toothbrush. When all's said and done, a toothbrush only has one owner and I was the particular owner of that particular toothbrush. I believe in charity but now you have gone too far.
April: Now Simon, giving away that toothbrush will herald a golden age of paradise to come.
Simon: Can't we have a bit of moderation around here, A person's toothbrush torn from his gums by thieving fingers, the bristles still warm, half my teeth still cacky. I can't live with cacky teeth.
April: Oh you degraded spirit that lusts for the earthly pleasures of a toothbrush and the lecherous delights of uncacky teeth. Your teeth have condemned your soul to eternal torment. Cack has slithered its way into your soul.
Simon: Oh I have sinned. What can I do to show my faith in the true destiny of mankind?
April: Go to the dentist and have all your teeth pulled.
Simon: Yes I will, I won't spare myself.
April: Simon haven't you learnt anything?
Simon: You heathen. You are trying to destroy everything I hold dear to me.
April: Not again. I thought I'd taught you some sort of lessen. (doorbell rings)
Simon: There's someone at the door.
April: I can hear that.
Simon: Well aren't you going to open it?
April: Aren't you?
Simon: Of course, (he opens the door) come in, come in, hello Sylvania and er…
Noddy: Yes well Simon this is hard to explain.
Simon: I understand everything already.
Sylvania: Hello Simon, April.
April: Hello Sylvania, what would you like to borrow?
Sylvania: Nothing, yesterday I borrowed some vegetables and I came to return...
April: Hallelujah, you came to return something.
Sylvania: …the sack.
April: Thank you so much this sack is an heirloom.
Simon: Remember anytime you need anything just ask.
Sylvania: Well there was one thing.
April: I knew there would be.
Noddy: You see Simon, I've left Dodd and moved in with Sylvania.
April: And what has that got to do with us?
Noddy: Well my wife saw the writing on the wall and called a furniture removal truck and carted away all Sylvania's furniture we haven't even got a bed.
Sylvania: I'd sleep on the floor it's healthy.
Noddy: But I've got a bad back.
April: You could have our bed.
Noddy: An air mattress would do.
April: No, we don't need a bed. A good hard floor that's what we like, beds are soft and corrupt. You have converted me Simon, I can't wait t
o snuggle up into the hard floor.
Simon: But I like sleeping in our bed.
April. You devil in sheep's clothing, lusting for the delights of an inner sprung mattress.
Simon: Take the lot, the wardrobe, the dressing table, the carpet, the bedroom stool, the lamp shade, the light bulb, the window frames, we give it freely.
Noddy: Thank you so much Simon.
Sylvania: And you too April.
Noddy: (to Sylvania) Do you think it's true?
Sylvania: It's too early to tell.
April. Here Sylvania here's my wedding ring.
Noddy: Come on Sylvania we had better start moving the furniture.
(during the following conversation Sylvania and Noddy carry bedroom furniture across the back of the stage)
Simon: April you have changed so thoroughly that you even help me stick to the straight and narrow. But why did you give away your wedding ring?
April: If Noddy gets a divorce and wants to marry Sylvania they might need a wedding ring.
Simon: But that's our wedding ring. A sacred symbol of love.
April: Oh peanuts I enjoyed giving it away.
Simon. Well, I just hope that now you have disposed of your wedding ring you don't intend leading a free and easy life. That you don't give yourself to lecherous frolics with members of the opposite sex who don't happen to be your husband.
April: Simon you think you possess me. You're a materialist. You want to own my body. Why don't you share me around a bit? No, why don't I share me around a bit if I feel like it?
Simon: You're just trying to make me angry but it won't work. I don't believe for one minute, not for one second, that you want to give yourself to lecherous men.
April: Or women as the case may be.
Simon: I forbid it.
April: I'm not asking permission, I am my own master no one else's.
Simon: April, you have opened my eyes. I'm blinded by all the things I own into thinking I own you. Everything must go. Noddy, Sylvania, come in here.
Noddy: What is it Simon?
Simon: Have you finished removing our bedroom suite?
Noddy: Everything's gone.
Simon: I want you and Sylvania to have every stick of furniture I possess, every conceivable thing, even my rubbish.
Noddy: (To Sylvania) What do you say now Sylvania?
Sylvania: I'm still not completely convinced.
Simon: Convinced about what?
Sylvania: Oh nothing, nothing, perhaps I'll tell you later.
Simon. Well let's get to work. Noddy give me a hand with this table. April and Sylvania would you bring the chairs please.
(they carry all the furniture off stage)
April: Everything's gone.
Simon: You know April I have a sneaking suspicion that I went wrong somewhere, but I resist it. It's the devil trying to corrupt me.
April: We still have two empty milk bottles and an old vegetable sack. We should be happy with our lot in life.
Simon: They are nothing but worldly possessions, we must resist temptation. Get down on your knees and pray.
April: You pray for me this time.
Simon: Oh golden future, protect me from the lustful temptations of two empty milk bottles and an old vegetable sack.
(doorbell rings)
April: Don't look at me!
Simon: I wasn't, I thought you were looking at me.
April: I wasn't.
Simon: Aren't you going to answer the door?
April: I thought you would.
Simon: I didn't because I thought you might.
April: I'm not going to.
Simon: Me neither. I don't know if I'm in the grip of evil forces or coming to my senses for the first time. I feel a sort of fear, when someone comes through that door you're not sure what will happen.
(doorbell rings)
Simon: Just ignore it.
April: If that's what you want.
Simon: Let's go to bed it's very late.
April: We no longer have a bed. I'm afraid there's nothing for it but to sit up all night and dream about a good night's sleep.
Simon: What are we going to do.
April: It's chilly.
Simon: We could lie down on the floor and put the sack over us.
April: That dirty sack?
Simon: It's cold.
April: I'm afraid your arguments are too strong for me.
Simon: You pop into bed first and I'll nestle up to you.
April: I'm in.
Simon: Move over a bit so I can fit in.
April: Aren't you going to take your shoes off? It's bad manners not to take your shoes off in bed, besides you'll get the sheets dirty.
Simon: You have got yours on.
April: If I take my shoes off my feet will get cold.
Simon: I must admit I'm being selfish in keeping my shoes on I'll take them off.
April: Did you put the cat out.
Simon: The cat died ten years ago.
April: All the more reason to put it out.
Simon. At last I can get into bed and have a good night's sleep.
April: Can I have a bit more sack please.
Simon: I haven't got enough.
April: You've got more than me.
Simon: But I'm on the draughty side.
April: You're being seduced by earthly comforts.
Simon: Have the bed to yourself I'm getting up. I don't care if I have no blanket. I'm beyond worldly concerns. I'm keeping quite warm, thank you very much. Walking about up here is invigorating. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't freeze to death in your bed. You may think you can hear the chatter of my teeth but you're wrong. I'm not shivering, I'm not cold. April, April are you asleep? April, where did I go wrong?
(April snores softly)