She regarded him levelly. “You know what I think? I think you walked out on our marriage the day we said our vows.”
“I knew you’d start throwing up the past at me. Now you’re going to blame me for the sins of an eighteen-year-old boy.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I’m just tired of living with the part of you that’s still eighteen, the part of you that still hasn’t dealt with the fact that you knocked up Amber Lynn Glide and had to take the consequences. The boy who thinks he deserves something better has never gone away.” Her voice grew soft and weary. “I’m tired of living with the guilt, Jim. I’m tired of always feeling as if I have to prove myself.”
“Then stop doing it! I haven’t made you live that way. You’ve done it to yourself.”
“And now I have to figure out how to undo it.”
“I can’t believe how selfish you’re being. Do you want a divorce, Lynn? Is that what all this is leading up to? Because if you want a divorce, you just tell me now. I’m not living in this limbo forever. Just tell me right now.”
He waited to see her shock. What he had suggested was unthinkable. But there was no shock, and he began to panic. Why didn’t she tell him to stop talking so crazy, that their situation wasn’t nearly bad enough to even think about divorce? But once again, he’d miscalculated.
“Maybe that would be for the best.”
He went numb.
She got a faraway look on her face, almost dreamy. “You know what I wish? I wish we could start all over. I wish we could meet each other again with no past history, just two strangers getting acquainted. Then, if we didn’t like what we found, we could walk away. And if we did like what we found…” Her voice grew thick with emotion. “The playing field would be level. There’d be a—a balance of power.”
“Power?” Fear churned inside him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She regarded him with a look of pity that cut right through him. “You really don’t, do you? For thirty-seven years you’ve had all the power in our relationship, and I’ve had none. For thirty-seven years I’ve had to live with the fact that I was a second-class citizen in our marriage. But I can’t live that way anymore.”
She spoke so patiently, like an adult explaining something to a child, and it enraged him.
“Fine!” He lost his ability to think clearly and acted on raw emotion. “You can have your divorce. And I hope you choke on it.”
He threw down a wad of bills he didn’t bother to count, shot up from his chair, and stalked from the dining room without a backward look. As he hit the hallway, he realized he was sweating. She’d turned his life upside down from the day he’d met her.
She wanted to talk about power! From the time she was fifteen years old, she’d had the power to twist his life out of shape. If he hadn’t met her, everything might have been different. He wouldn’t have come back to Salvation and been a family doctor, that’s for sure. He’d have gone into research, or maybe he’d have hooked up with one of the big international outfits and traveled around the world to do the work on infectious diseases he’d always dreamed about. A million possibilities would have been open to him if he hadn’t been forced to marry her, but because of her, he hadn’t explored any of them. He’d had a wife and children to support, so he’d gone back to his hometown with his tail between his legs and taken over his father’s practice.
Resentment seethed inside him. He’d had the course of his life irrevocably changed when he was still too young to understand what was happening. She’d done that to him, the same woman who’d sat in that dining room and told him she had no power. She’d fucked up his life forever, and now she blamed him.
He stopped in his track as all the blood rushed from his head. Jesus. She was right.
He sagged down on one of the couches that sat along the wall and dropped his head into his hands. Seconds lapsed, turning into minutes as all the mental barriers he’d erected against the truth grew transparent.
She’d been right when she’d said he’d always resented her, but his bitterness had become such an old, familiar companion he hadn’t recognized it for what it was. She was right. After all this time, he still blamed her.
The many ways he’d punished her over the years came flying back in his face: the fault-finding and subtle put-downs, his blind stubbornness and refusal to acknowledge her needs. All those little punishments he’d inflicted against this woman who was the closest thing he had to a soul.
He pushed his fingertips into his eye sockets and shook his head. She was right about everything.
Chapter Seventeen
J ane’s hands trembled as she stroked almond-scented lotion over every inch of her thirty-four-year-old body, including her rounding belly. Sunlight streamed through her bedroom window, and in the next room Cal’s suitcase lay open on his bed, ready for his late afternoon flight to Austin. She’d made up her mind this morning, and now she wanted to do it before she lost her nerve.
She brushed her hair until it shone, then stared at her naked body in the mirrored wall behind the whirlpool. She tried to imagine how it would look to Cal, but all she could think about was how it wouldn’t look. It wouldn’t look like it belonged to a twenty-year-old centerfold.
With an exclamation of disgust, she stalked back into her bedroom, snatched up her prettiest robe, an apricot silk with a border of deep green laurel leaves at the hem and sleeves, and jabbed her arms into it. She was a physicist, for goodness sakes! A successful professional woman! Since when did she decide to measure her self-worth in terms of her hip size?
And since when could she respect a man who viewed her as only a body? If her measurements didn’t meet Cal’s standards, then it was long past time she found that out. They couldn’t have a lasting relationship if the only thing that kept him interested in her was the mystery of what she looked like naked.
She wanted a real relationship more than she’d ever wanted anything. It hurt too much to be afraid all the caring was one-sided. She needed to stop procrastinating and find out if anything lasting existed between them, or if she were merely another touchdown for Cal Bonner to score.
She heard the faint whir of the garage door sliding open, and her heart jumped into her throat. He was home. Misgivings shot through her. She should have picked a more convenient time, a day when he wasn’t getting ready to fly halfway across the country to a golf tournament. She should have waited until she was calmer, more sure of herself. She should have—
Her cowardice disgusted her and she resisted a nearly irresistible urge to grab every article of clothing in her closet and stuff herself into all of them until she was the size of a polar bear. Today she would begin the process of discovering whether she’d given her heart away in vain.
Taking a deep breath, she secured the robe’s sash in a bow and padded barefoot into the hallway.
“Jane?”
“I’m up here.” As she stopped at the top of the stairs, the thudding of her heart made her feel light-headed.
He appeared in the foyer below. “Guess who I—” He broke off as he looked up and saw her standing above him at one o’clock in the afternoon wearing nothing but a slinky silk robe.
He smiled and tucked the fingers of one hand in the pocket of his jeans. “You sure do know how to welcome a guy home.”
She couldn’t have spoken if she wanted to. Heart pounding, she lifted her hands to the robe’s sash while her heart whispered a silent prayer. Please let him want me for myself and not just because I’m a challenge. Please let him love me just a little bit. Her clumsy fingers tugged on the robe’s sash, and her gaze locked with his as the frail garment parted. With a shrug of her shoulders, she let it slide down her body and fall in a puddle at her feet.
Warm sunlight washed her body, revealing everything: her small breasts and rounding belly, her huge hips and very ordinary legs.
Cal looked dazed. She rested one hand lightly on the banister and moved slowly down the steps, wearing nothing
but a fragile veil of almond-scented lotion.
Cal’s lips parted. His eyes glazed.
Her foot touched the bottom step, and she smiled.
He licked his lips as if they had gone very dry and spoke in a voice that held a slight croak. “Turn around, Eth.”
“Not on your life.”
Jane’s head shot up. With a gasp of dismay, she saw the Reverend Ethan Bonner standing in the archway just behind Cal.
He studied her with undisguised interest. “I hope I didn’t show up at a bad time.”
With a strangled moan, she spun around and dashed back up the stairs, all too aware of the view she presented them from behind. She scrambled for her robe and, crumpling it in front of herself, fled to her bedroom, where she slammed the door and sagged against it, more mortified than she had ever been in her life.
It seemed as if only a few seconds passed before she heard a soft rapping. “Honey?” Cal’s voice held the tentative note of a man who knew he only had a few minutes to disarm a ticking bomb.
“I’m not here. Go away.” To her dismay, tears stung her eyes. She had thought about this for so long, placed so much importance on it, and now it had ended in disaster.
The door bumped against her. “Step back now, sweetheart, and let me in.”
She moved away, too dispirited to argue. With the silk robe still crumpled in front of her, she pressed her bare back to the adjacent wall.
He entered gingerly, like a soldier expecting land mines. “You all right, sweetheart?”
“Stop calling me that! I’ve never been so embarrassed.”
“Don’t be, honey. You made poor Eth’s day. Hell, you probably made his whole year, not to mention mine.”
“Your brother saw me naked! I stood there on the stairs, naked as the day I was born, making a complete fool of myself.”
“Now that’s where you’re wrong. There was nothing foolish about the sight of you naked. Why don’t you let me hang that robe up for you before it gets ruined.”
She clutched it more tightly to her midriff. “He was looking at me the whole time, and you didn’t say a word. Why didn’t you warn me we weren’t alone?”
“You sort of took me by surprise, sweetheart. I wasn’t thinking straight. And Eth couldn’t help looking. It’s been years since he’s seen a beautiful naked woman in the flesh. I’d be worried about him if he hadn’t looked.”
“He’s a minister!”
“It was a blessed event. You sure you don’t want me to hang that robe up?”
“You’re making a joke out of this.”
“Absolutely not. Only an insensitive jerk would think something this traumatic was funny. Tell you what. I’ll go downstairs right this minute and kill him before he gets away.”
She refused to smile. Instead, she decided to pout. It was something she’d always wanted to do, but until that moment, she’d never quite been able to figure out how to. Now it seemed to come naturally. “I’ve just received the shock of my life, and you’re treating it as a big joke.”
“I’m a pig.” He drew her a few inches away from the wall and rubbed his hands along her bare spine. “If I were you, I’d tell me to get lost because I don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you.”
“That’s so true.”
“Honey, I’m really getting worried about that pretty robe. Squashed up between us, it’s getting ruined. Don’t you think you should let me have it?”
She pressed her cheek to his chest, enjoying the warm stroking of his hands along her back, but still not quite done with her pout. “I won’t ever be able to look him in the eye again. He already thinks I’m a heathen. This will prove it.”
“True, but Ethan’s had a lifelong attraction to women with sin in their blood. It’s sort of his tragic flaw.”
“He can’t have missed the fact that I’m pregnant.”
“He’ll keep his mouth shut if I ask him to.”
She sighed, giving up her pout. “I’m going to have to go through with this, aren’t I?”
He cupped her cheek and gently stroked his thumb along her jaw. “I’m pretty sure you passed the point of no return when you hit that top step.”
“I suppose.”
“But if you don’t mind, since you’ve waited this long, hold out for just a few seconds more so I can open those curtains the rest of the way and get more light in here.”
She sighed as he made his way to the window. “You’re not going to make this easy, are you?”
“Nope.” He tugged on the cord, letting the bright early-afternoon sunlight flood into the room.
“What about Ethan?”
“My brother’s no fool. He’s long gone by now.”
“You take off your clothes first.”
“No way. You’ve seen me naked dozens of times. It’s my turn.”
“If you think I’m going to be undressed while you lie there fully clothed…”
“That’s exactly what I think.” He walked over to her bed and stacked the pillows against the headboard. Then he kicked off his shoes and stretched out, crossing his arms behind his head like someone about to enjoy a good movie.
She was torn between amusement and irritation. “What if I’ve changed my mind?”
“We both know you’ve got too much pride to back off now. Tell me if you want me to close my eyes.”
“As if you would.” Why had she made such a big deal out of this? For a brilliant woman, she was a complete idiot. Damn him anyway. Why hadn’t he just pulled that robe out of her hands and put an end to all this? But, no. That was too easy. Instead, he lay there with the glint of challenge in those gray eyes, and she knew he was testing her mettle. Her irritation grew. This was his test, not hers. He was the one who had something to prove, and it was time to give him his chance.
She shut her eyes and dropped the robe.
Dead silence.
A dozen thoughts ran through her mind, all of them horrible: he hated her body, he’d fainted from the sight of her hips, her pregnant belly repulsed him.
The last thought lit the fuse to her temper. He was a worm! Lower than a worm! What kind of man was repulsed by the body of the woman carrying his child? He was the lowest form of life on earth.
Her eyes flew open. “I knew it! I knew you’d hate my body!” She slammed her hands on her hips, marched over to the bed, and glared down at him. “Well, for your information, mister, all those cute little sex kittens in your past might have had perfect bodies, but they don’t know a lepton from a proton, and if you think that I’m going to stand here and let you judge me by the size of my hips and because my belly’s not flat, then you’re in for a rude awakening.” She jabbed her finger at him. “This is the way a grown woman looks, buster! This body was designed by God to be functional, not to be stared at by some hormonally imbalanced jock who can only get aroused by women who still own Barbie dolls!”
“Damn. Now I’ve got to gag you.” With one swift motion, he pulled her down on the bed, rolled on top of her, and covered her lips with his own.
His kiss was deep and fierce. It started at her mouth, then traveled on to her breasts, her belly, the backs of her knees, with several thrilling stops in between. Her irritation faded as need took its place.
She wasn’t certain when he got rid of his own clothes because she quickly lost herself in the pleasures of feeling that strong, solid body beneath her hands and lips. For a man of action, he’d always been a leisurely lover, and today was no exception. As the bright sunlight pooled over their bodies, he satisfied his curiosity by exploring every inch of her, turning her this way and that, across the light, toward the light until she begged him.
“Please… I can’t take any more.”
He nuzzled her breast with his lips and his husky breath fell hot over her damp skin. “You’re going to have to take a lot more before we’re through.”
She punished him for his teasing with a torment of her own, using her mouth on him in the way she knew he loved, but the
deep, moist taking also served to inflame her own need, so that when he finally reached his limit, she had also reached hers. He covered her with his body and entered her. She immediately climaxed.
“Now see what you’ve done,” she complained when she came back to earth.
His eyes were the deep gray of a spring thunderstorm, his voice smoky with the most delicious sort of menace as he pushed himself deep inside her. “Poor honey. I guess I’ll have to start all over again with you.”
“I’m not interested anymore,” she lied.
“Then close your eyes and think about something else ’til I’m done.”
She laughed and he kissed her, and in no time at all they were lost in each other. She had never felt so free. In shedding her clothes, she had also shed the last of her defenses.
“I love you,” she whispered, as he entered her. “I love you so much.”
He kissed her lips as if he were sipping her words. “Sweet… My sweet. So beautiful…”
Their bodies found a rhythm as ancient as time, and they climbed together through every barrier that separated them. As he loved her with his body, she knew with a fierce certainty that he also loved her with his heart. It could be no other way, and the knowledge catapulted her over the top. Together, they touched creation.
They spent the next few hours in various states of undress. He allowed her to wear a pair of powder blue sandals, but nothing else. She allowed him to wear his black bath towel, but insisted he keep it draped around his neck.
They ate a late lunch in bed, where they played sexual games with the juicy slices of an orange. Afterward, as they showered together, she knelt before him with the water pouring over them and loved him until they both lost control.
They were insatiable. She felt as if she’d been created only to please this man and, in turn, take pleasure only from him. She had never been so well loved, so certain of her powers as a woman. She felt brilliant and strong, soft and giving, utterly fulfilled, and although he hadn’t spoken the words, she knew in the very center of her being that he loved her. Such intensity of emotion couldn’t be coming only from her.