*Footnote: Etymology. Rhinocerus (noun) is an erroneous form of rhinoceros, which has been back formed from the equally erroneous plural rhinoceri, by analogy with Latin words that end in –us that become –i in the plural.
Given it's origins, rhinocerus is therefore neither a misspelling nor a synomym of rhinoceros. It's just plain wrong! (but Barnaby Wilde doesn't care).
If you enjoyed these verses by Barnaby Wilde, then you might also enjoy the following Tom Fletcher stories by Barnaby Wilde. Visit www.barnaby-wilde.co.uk for more information, to download a free preview, or to purchase either book.
A Question of Alignment
Something is going wrong with the Lottery. There hasn’t been a jackpot winner for eight weeks. Something is also going wrong with the weather. It just won’t stop raining.
Balding, middle aged Tom Fletcher is an unlikely man to save the universe. In fact he is an unlikely man to do anything requiring action, but when the family cat talks to him and then walks through the sitting room wall even he is intrigued.
The cats have discovered that someone from a parallel universe is trying to alter the laws of probability by exchanging Lottery balls. Unfortunately, although all cats are born with the ability to travel between parallel worlds by the simple method of walking through perfectly aligned east/west walls, they are not born with hands suitable for opening doors or carrying Lottery balls.
Tom’s cat, Smokey, (or Boudicca as she has nicknamed herself) has oversold Tom’s abilities to her peers but despite his poor juggling skills they adopt him as their leader and set out on a quest for the mysterious ‘Smith’.
Soon, Tom is littering the adjacent universes with stuff that just shouldn’t be there, creating more problems than he is solving; like how to hold up his trousers when his belt is two dimensions away or how to explain to his wife the presence of a white lace thong in his spectacles case.
Copyright Barnaby Wilde. July 2005
I Keep Thinking It's Tuesday
Tom Fletcher is a worried man. Middle aged and balding, he hasn't sold a house in weeks and his job is on the line. His wife is cheating on him and he is falling in love with his secretary.
He is bewildered by the world. Animate and inanimate objects take on personalities and behaviours in his fertile imagination which make even the commonplace events of daily life into battlegrounds where misunderstanding and confusion reign.
All he asks is to be loved, -- but not by the intimidating Carole who contrives and schemes to get him into her bed.
In his mind there is a simple solution. Kill his wife and marry his secretary. But where to get the gun?
Pausing only to reflect on topology and the meaning of life, Tom pursues a single minded route through a minefield populated by topless dancers and hippopotami, only slightly phased by a tendency to see people as donuts, and use Exchange and Mart as his guide.
Frogs, Pizzas, Water Beds, Pygmies, Licorice Flavoured Condoms and an Ostrich all have key parts to play in this drama of everyday folk.
This is a love story, or perhaps a murder story, or maybe it's just a tale about a man who doesn't own a decent jacket.
.... and in the background lurks the mysterious Geoffrey, without whom the story would be incomplete.
Copyright 1999 by Barnaby Wilde
Animalia
A collection of quirky verses on a vaguely animal related theme. If you like armadillos, elephants, camels, or chameleons, or if you have ever yearned to own your own yak, then this is the book for you.
Copyright 2011 by Barnaby Wilde
Life…
A collection of verse loosely related to life, living, getting older and losing things. If you wonder why there are 87 bottles in your bathroom, or where socks go when they die, or how you will know when you are middle aged, then this might be the book for you.
Copyright 2011 by Barnaby Wilde
The Blind Philosopher and the God of Small Things
A collection of verse full of weak puns and jokes, loosely related by two men with long white beards.
Copyright 2012 by Barnaby Wilde
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