Chapter Sixteen
I was glad to work the early shift the next day. I didn’t want to think about Mom and Dad at all. Just wanted to focus the best I could on my job. I kept busy checking books out for folks, and when it was all clear, I would busy myself putting away returned books. Done with that, I pulled out the duster from the back. I know I didn’t stop for several hours. Miranda noticed. She came up to me finally, tapping me on the shoulder. I turned questioningly to her. “Yes?”
“Take a break, Brenda.” She nodded at the wall clock behind the main desk. “It is two pm! You didn’t even eat lunch!”
“Oh!” I realized that my stomach was growling. Had been for a while, but I had been ignoring it. “I didn’t realize…”
I hadn’t told her everything. She wasn’t overtly religious but she did believe there was some creative force behind the universe, and she had little use for religious zealots. She understood. It was in her eyes. “Don’t let your mother’s foolishness get you down, hon. Focus on your own life… your own happiness.”
I was surprised. “How did you know? Did I tell you about Mom and Dad renewing their wedding vows?”
“Not exactly. But the church isn’t that far. As you know, a lot of the parishioners frequent the library here. I hear things.”
“I guess you do.”
“Go take that break,” she said with a supportive smile.
“I think I will. Thanks!”
She nodded, and I headed for the back room to get my sack lunch and a cup of coffee.
When I got off work, I went straight home. I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. Both Paul and Nancy were working at Baskin Robbins, and Mom wouldn’t be coming by for dinner anymore. That thought was just beginning to sink in. I had not realized how much I had come to enjoy having my Mom back.
And now she had abandoned me – again!
At least, that is the way I felt. The first time I had stood by my dad when she left. Now, I had left him too, and she had gone back to him. Talk about freakin’, twisted irony!
I went through the motions of making myself a peanut butter and lettuce sandwich. I didn’t feel much like going to any trouble to feed myself. I poured a glass of milk and took my meager supper to my little table.
I wasn’t halfway through my sandwich when there was a knock on my door. Not sure who it could be – I wasn’t expecting Mom – I opened the door guardedly.
Mom!
All dressed up in a royal blue pantsuit and smiling as though nothing different had transpired in the last few days.
“Are you going to invite me in, Brenda? Or are you just going to stand there staring at me like you would a stranger.”
I glanced around at the parking lot.
“Don’t worry,” she said, knowing who I was looking for. “Your father didn’t come with me.”
“Good thing. Because he is not welcome in my home!”
The flicker of hurt in her eyes didn’t faze me. She was a hypocrite in my eyes, and had totally betrayed my trust.
“I guess you can’t help the way you feel. Guess I can’t really blame you either… considering.”
At least, she was admitting it. “Yeah,” I cryptically replied. “Considering.
She blew out air, now growing a little irritated with me. “Am I welcome?”
I stepped back so she could come in.
“Thanks!”
I motioned for her to take a seat on the sofa. I sat on it too, as far on the opposite end that I could.
“You didn’t come to the ceremony,” she said, gaze anticipatory for an explanation. For some crazy, insane reason, she just didn’t really get it.
“Is that a statement or a question?”
“A statement, I guess. I thought you were going to come… Stay, anyway. You left almost the minute you arrived. I know you’re not happy with me—. ”
“That’s an understatement,” I tartly interrupted.
Her entire face contorted in a frown. “I fail to understand your obvious hostility, Brenda.”
I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing at her ludicrous statement.
“What on Earth is so funny?”
“You are the epitome of a hypocrite, Mom!”
“I know I disappointed you… But I thought you would understand. Can you clarify for me?” Her eyes filled with tears.
I was aghast at the profound stupidity of her reasoning. “You preached to me for years about going to college and getting an education… Wanted a ‘different’ life for me. Didn’t want me to be a ‘slave’ to my husband the way you were all those years. You wanted me to have something to fall back on – A career. And when I fell in love with Greg and wanted to marry him, what did you do? You left me, Mom! You left me!”
Her mouth gaped as she listened to my angry retort. She was speechless.
“I tried! Oh how I tried. It hurt, Mom! It hurt like nothing I’ve ever suffered before. But I eventually accepted it. I loved Greg so much, and I wanted to be a good wife. I thought he was different than Dad. And he is to a degree. But not enough. Women are still subservient slaves in his and Dad’s eyes…. You want to know why I am so angry?”
“I knew that it must have looked a little… Well, I’m not sure how to say it. That I looked somewhat of a fool to come back. But I had tried it on my own. All I could get was a minimum wage job. I worked hard for months waiting on tables in a small café. I was exhausted! I don’t have the education or training to get a better job.”
“There are organizations that help, Mom. You could have received training. Probably on the job.” I took a deep breath. “And what is the job you have now? Aren’t you a receptionist for a doctor’s office?” I thought about it a minute. “Or you were?”
“Still am.” She closed her eyes briefly and swallowed and then opened her eyes again. “You’re right. I could have done better maybe. But I missed you! And believe it or not, I missed your father.”
“So, you really do still love him?” I was dubious, for I could not understand her returning to him except for security.
She was crying now. “Yes.”
I grabbed a tissue from the box on the kitchen counter and handed it to her, and then plopped back down in my seat.
She thanked me and blew her nose into it. She went to get up to throw it in the trash, and I told her to just leave it on the coffee table. I would get it later.
“Okay.”
“You love Dad?” I found it hard to believe. But I could see it in her eyes, in her face.
“Yes,” she said again.
“Okay, Mom. I’m sorry. But you must understand my anger. You have to admit that you are the biggest hypocrite I have ever known.”
She sniffled and nodded yes. “You’re right. That I am. I’m sorry. But please know I never meant or wanted to hurt you the way I have. Brenda, you’re my daughter. You’re my only child. I love you!”
I stood. As angry and hurt as I was, I still loved my mother. I went over to her and sat down with her, giving her a hug. “I’m sorry, Mom. I just wish you would have explained it to be better first.”
“I wanted to. I just didn’t know how.”
“I guess sometimes one has to get really upset and angry before they can really see their true feelings.” I shrugged and took my arms back, leaning against the sofa.
“I’ve never thought of it that way before. But I think you’re probably right.”
I offered Mom a cup of coffee then, and she accepted. We managed to focus the subject to our jobs. I was glad we had cleared the air, but I still marveled how it was that she could have such a good job now that she was back, but she couldn’t get one while she was away. I could only conclude that the truth really was like she said – that she just missed us and wanted to come home.