no longer ignorant, we still long for his love and affection Even with
Disappointment
Daddy is coming! We are so excited! It’s been awhile since we’ve last seen him now that he and Mami don’t live together and he’s taking us to see the movie, “Lady & the Tramp”. We are super excited about going out with our daddy. I’m 8 years old, and my sister is 7.
When Daddy finally arrives we run over to hug him as Mami finishes dressing us so we're ready to go on our “date” with him. We say goodbye to Mami and follow Daddy outside to his car. We get into an orange Volkswagen Bug. “This isn’t Daddy’s car”, I think to myself, “His car is a powder blue convertible.” Anyway, who cares? I’m just happy to be going anywhere with him and because I’m the oldest I get to sit shotgun, just me and Daddy in the front. My sister sits in the back and leans forward between the two front seats so she can talk to us.
As we head towards the Westside highway, Daddy says he’s going to stop and pick up his girlfriend, Elizabeth. He tells us he’s in love and he’s going to marry her. “What?” we ask “How can you do that? You’re already married to Mami.” Daddy doesn’t immediately answer. Now my sister and I are both thoroughly confused.
He parks the Bug and we get out of the car and follow him inside a strange building. We take the elevator to an upper floor and finally arrive at an apartment. Daddy knocks on the door and a really thin, and not particularly attractive woman answers. When she sees Daddy, she embraces him and kisses him full on the lips. We are shocked! Why is this woman kissing our father?! We are upset. Finally Daddy introduces her as “Elizabeth”. We decide right there and then - we don’t like this woman one bit.
Elizabeth welcomes us into her apartment and introduces us to her young daughter whose name escapes us now. My sister and I are none too happy about this circumstance. We are anxious about being in a strange home with a strange woman who is way too affectionate with our father. We don’t know this woman but we don’t like her one bit. She gives us each a glass of soda as we sit down at her kitchen table to wait. “I thought we were going to the movies?” I ask my sister as Daddy follows “his girlfriend” into the other room. “What are we waiting for?” When Elizabeth returns, she presents us with a “gift” - a 45 rpm single record of “Hot Pants” by James Brown.
A short time later, Daddy escorts us out of the apartment with Elizabeth and her young daughter in tow. “Where are they going?” I ask myself. “Are they coming with us? I don’t want them to come with us.” When we get to the street, Dad put us in the back seat of the Bug with the new girl and Elizabeth sits in the front seat where I was sitting before. Now I’m really annoyed. To top it all off, this woman is sitting way too close to my father who is driving. Isn’t that dangerous? I feel like our date is ruined. This woman and her daughter are unwelcomed guests to our evening out with Daddy.
We don’t enjoy the movie at all because Daddy has spent the whole time paying attention and being way too affectionate with Elizabeth. It’s like he’s forgotten we are even here. I see my sister is really upset and so am I. I can’t wait for this night to be over.
As soon as we arrive home, my sister rushes into the apartment and tells Mami everything. She tells her about Elizabeth and Daddy’s date, how he acted and especially how he ignored us the whole time. Daddy is right behind me when I hear Mami scream, “¡Canto de desgraciao!” I can’t understand everything she’s saying because now she’s shouting at Daddy in Spanish but I see the 45 in her hand and all of a sudden Mami throws it with such force against the wall that it smashes into what seems like a thousand little pieces. “Mami is mad!” I think to myself as I run and hide. At the same time I see my daddy leave the apartment just as quickly as he came in. Why is my mom always calling him “cobarde”? I don’t even know what that means. Anyway, I’m a little upset now because she broke the record and I really liked that song but when I look at my sister, I see a smirk on her face. She’s happy.
Broken Promises
He promised us a new beginning a new home, a new life. Took us away, uprooted us from what we knew, to make our family whole. That’s what he said but it was not to be.
He promised me a canopy bed. This was the desire of a child’s heart with lofty coverings of ruffles and lace A place to lay my head and rest but it was not to be.
He promised my mother he would be faithful but she knew otherwise. When she told us he had another that he would leave us yet again We did not believe her, ..we chose not to believe her but she was right.
He promised us he would not go away but he did yet again. With no goodbyes, no farewells he chose pursuit of pleasure over familial obligation and left us in pieces once more. He promised us but promises were broken.
Days of Weeping
What if you could make it ALL go away? The hurt…the pain, rejection – palpable as rain that pelts in a sudden storm.
Spending your days awash in grief and then? Days of weeping, raw emotions hewing a cicatrix deep and wide.
Cries for help relief and solace fleeting out of grasp.
Carrying reflections mirrors in your soul
hanging on to images of he, whose negative consequence you bear.
Break free …Break free
Pancho and Other Creatures…
As far back as I can remember, I was always deathly afraid of animals and Ma knew that yet she insisted on bringing home pets for her children to enjoy. It wasn’t a problem for my sister. She was an animal person, through and through but me, well, that was another story.
My earliest memory of an animal or in this case, animals in our home was a couple of small turtles my mother bought somewhere. I remember seeing them for the first time in a plastic semi-shallow container with just enough water for the turtles to swim and a small ledge within the container for them to climb and rest on. I remember hearing Ray Charles in the background singing “Hit the Road, Jack” and thinking to myself, “Man, it stinks!” Yeah, literally, those turtles in that container smelled bad and it was nauseating. On top of that they