Chapter 11
I wondered if everyone in love felt like this. Was this ever-present, hot, sizzling fire running through my veins normal? I’d never experienced anything like it in my life.
Every moment I was with Vance seemed wonderful, extraordinary, and magical, though we often felt like we were going crazy with need when we were together. And at the opposite end of the spectrum, every moment I was away from him seemed like torture, and I was filled with an indescribable aching.
When we were apart, we spent a lot of time in each other’s heads. It helped ease the separation a tiny bit, but Vance explained the feelings we were having were much greater than he’d ever heard of before. We finally decided to talk with Grandma about it and get her opinion.
We entered the store and saw no one, so we headed into the back room and found Grandma there, working at her table. Her head popped up when we walked through the beaded curtain, and she looked at us for a second, concerned, and came to greet us.
“Ah! A binding spell I see!” she said, looking carefully at us.
“Is it that obvious?” I asked, continuing to cling to Vance’s arm.
“So obvious I wonder why I didn’t feel it when you walked through the front door.” She gave me a pointed look. “Here. Come sit with me.” She gestured toward the table. “It’s a very strong spell. Did you work it, Vance?” she asked, continuing to observe us, and he nodded.
“I don’t recall ever hearing of anyone experiencing a binding this strong,” Vance said. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No, I doubt that,” Grandma replied, shaking her head. “For some reason the two of you have an extremely strong connection. The power of your magic is intensifying it dramatically I’d imagine.”
“It isn’t always a bad thing,” I piped up trying to explain. “It’s just when we’re apart, I feel like I’m going to die or something.”
Grandma laughed. “Well, dear. What’s done is done. That’s the trouble with spells. Sometimes you don’t really know what the end result will be. The two of you are going to have to find a way to make things work for yourselves. I imagine you’ll eventually become used to the intensity of the feelings you’re having, probably to the point they’ll almost seem second nature to you. Your bodies should physically adjust to it, a new normal so to speak.” She gave a slight shrug. “I wish I could help you more until then, but I have a feeling you two are something special. Vance’s magic manifesting at such a young age, and you having an instant comprehension of your powers is unusual. Together you make a very powerful couple. This is uncharted water for me I’m afraid.”
Vance squeezed my hand. “We’ll be fine. I know it,” he said, trying to reassure me.
“I know we will. I just wish you could always be with me. The longing is driving me crazy!” I replied with an exasperated sigh at what we’d done to ourselves.
He leaned over and kissed me softly, but it quickly developed into something much bigger, hands and arms tangling together as we pulled at one another, trying to get closer to each other. We completely forgot we had an audience and didn’t stop until Grandma broke in.
“Okay! Enough! You two are making me blush!” She laughed, turning away from us to avoid our public display of affection, and we broke apart smiling.
“Sorry,” Vance said apologetically, raking a hand through his already disheveled hair.
Grandma waved her hand in the air. “Don’t worry about it,” she said with a smile, before growing pensive again. “On second thought, I do have one suggestion that may help you.”
“Let’s hear it,” I said, knowing Vance and I were willing to try anything at this point.
“Do you still have the silver locket you kept Vance’s hair in for the ritual you performed?” she asked, and I nodded.
Grandma went to a drawer and removed a similar silver locket, with a more masculine design, and handed it to Vance.
“I think you should clip a little of each other’s hair, and keep it in the lockets. Wear them all the time. This will keep a physical part of the two of you together. It won’t stop your feelings completely, but it may dampen things enough that separations aren’t quite as excruciating.”
“We’ll try it. Thanks for your help,” Vance replied, sounding hopeful.
“Let me know if it works.”
Vance and I went back to my house and found my locket. With a pair of scissors, we proceeded to cut an inconspicuous lock for each of us, placing the trimming in the lockets. Then we each placed the chain around the other’s neck.
“Shall we test it?” he asked, leaning in to kiss me softly on the cheek. I leaned my head so he could nuzzle against me better.
“No,” I mumbled, lifting my hand to slide it along his face and into his hair. “Not until we have to.” His kisses soon trailed down my neck and feathered onto my exposed collarbone, before dipping a bit lower. “All right!” I said, shoving him playfully away knowing things were quickly getting out of control. “Let’s go watch some TV with my mom. There’s safety in numbers.”
He released a big sigh and followed dutifully behind me, close but not touching. We entered the family room, and Mom patted the couch next to her, inviting us to come and sit down.
“How’re you today, Vance?” she asked, politely.
“Very good, Mrs. Mullins,” he replied to her. “Thank you.”
“Call me Stacey,” she said with a smile. “You’re family now, Vance.” I wondered if she knew exactly how much those words would mean to him.
We sat down on the opposite end of the couch, and I curled into Vance’s arms with Jinx on my lap. Soon we were laughing over a favorite, old sitcom. I’d seen the reruns a thousand times, and it never got old, but I found my eyes starting to droop after a while. Operating at this level of emotion was exhausting.
“You need to go to bed, baby.” Vance brushed his hand through my hair while I lay in his lap.
“I don’t want you to leave,” I mumbled softly, turning into him so I could wrap my arms around his waist.
“You need your sleep,” he responded.
“Go to bed, Portia,” my mom broke in. “Let the poor boy go home. He looks exhausted!”
I slowly got up and walked Vance to the front door. He opened it and turned to pull me into his arms once more. He gave me a searing, passionate kiss, locking his arms around my body as he focused on my mouth. All too soon, he was pulling away. “See you shortly,” he said.
After he’d gone, I went to my room where I waited for the crushing emptiness to overwhelm me as it always did. When it came, it wasn’t nearly as intense as it’d been before. It looked like Grandma’s idea was working. The longing was still great, but not so overpowering.
I crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head, letting sleep claim me. I hadn’t slept well since we’d done the ritual. I was still vaguely aware when Vance climbed through my window a couple of hours later and snuggled next to me, being careful to keep the thick quilt between us. Then, finally, we both slept deeply.
Grandma’s trick seemed to work well, and during the next few weeks, Vance and I became more acclimated to our new, intense set of feelings. We handled our day-to-day separations easier, though he still climbed into my window every night to sleep next to me.
I was pretty sure we weren’t fooling anyone, except perhaps my mom. Grandma explained things to my dad and told him about the binding ritual. He hadn’t appeared horribly worried, simply concerned over our well-being, though he wasn’t thrilled in the least about Vance being there every night. It was so much easier when he was right next to me, and I was happy they didn’t make a big fuss, but to say they both trusted Vance implicitly would have been an understatement. It meant a lot that they understood.
Life began to fall back into a routine, and things seemed to be going well for everyone, until the day my dad appeared looking somewhat frazzled and called an emergency meeting of the coven. When the group had gathered, and the circle had been cast, he began explaining the issu
e.
“As you all know, I’ve been involved with laying a false trail that leads Vance’s father farther away from here. Things seemed to be going pretty well. I had him searching in an area back East, and he’d been stationed there for quite a while. However, he seems to have vanished, and I can’t find a trace of him anywhere. He had several followers working with him, and they’re all gone too. I don’t know if he has any idea we were leading him astray, or if they simply left. They could be anywhere.”
“We need everyone to be on their guard, watching for anything suspicious,” Grandma added.
I looked at Vance in concern. He instinctively grabbed my hand.
“It’s all right, baby. I’m okay,” he whispered softly in my head, trying to reassure me. “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”
I squeezed his hand back. “Please be careful,” I replied.
We spent the rest of the evening chanting several protection spells over the whole group before releasing the circle to head home. When we were walking out of the house, Vance turned to Marsha.
“Aunt Marsha, I’m going to spend the night at Portia’s house tonight. I don’t want to leave her alone,” he said, inviting himself over.
Marsha just laughed. “So how’s that different from any other night of the week?”
“You knew?” he replied in surprise. “You never said anything.”
“I knew,” she said, smiling. “It’s my job to keep an eye on you. Don’t you think it would look bad, if I didn’t know where you were?”
Vance had the decency to look semi-repentant. “I’m sorry. I should’ve confided in you sooner about this.”
“It’s okay.” Marsha smiled. “I remember what being young and in love felt like. Go on, and please be safe.” She gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
He hugged her back and led me to his motorcycle, helping me on, and we were soon headed off down the road to my house. Several minutes later we were lying next to each other on my bed, the ever-present quilt tucked carefully between us once again.
“Why do you always do that?” I asked him curiously.
“Do what?”
“Sleep with the blankets in between us. It’s like you’re afraid to be next to me.”
“You know why. I’m protecting your virtue,” he said matter-of-factly, and I almost choked.
“My virtue?”
He chuckled softly. “I guess I’m protecting mine too.”
“You know, there are an awful lot of stories about you and all the girls you’ve deflowered floating around the school.” I watched him carefully for his reaction.
“And that’s exactly what they are—stories,” he replied, moving in to nuzzle my chin with his nose.
I pondered this for a moment. “So you’re saying you’ve never been with a girl, like that, before?” My pulse raced because I was afraid of what his answer would be.
He stared at me, his expression soft. “That’s what I’m saying,” he answered, and I released the breath I’d been holding.
“Doesn’t it bother you that people think things about you that aren’t true?”
“Why should I care?” he asked, giving a shrug of his shoulder. “I know who I am. That’s all that matters.”
“Well, I’m sure people are thinking the same thing about the two of us.”
“Let them think it.” He propped onto his elbow to look at me better. “Does it bother you?” His eyes drilled into mine.
“No,” I said, considering my next words carefully. “I wish it were true, sometimes.”
This time he sighed deeply and closed his eyes, as if searching for control. When he opened them again he looked at me for a long moment.
“You’ve got to know I want you more than anything in this world, Portia. Emotionally, physically, magically, mentally, I want it all—to possess every inch of your being,” he answered honestly.
He caressed my face with his fingers, stroking them down the side of it, and instantly I was overcome with the feeling of his desire. His need washed completely through me—the force of it took me by complete surprise—and I gasped at the connection, but he didn’t stop. Instead, he placed his lips softly on mine.
His touch only increased my reaction, and I pulled him closer, enveloping him in a deep kiss, opening my mouth to his invasion. I released everything I had pent up inside me back into him. He wrapped his arms tightly around me, answering my intensity, his hands sliding to tangle in my hair. His mouth pressed even harder against my lips, and he continued to devour them. My pulse was racing, on fire, and I could feel the same emanating from him. It was like someone had lit a match to gasoline, causing an explosion we had no control over, and I could think of only one thing. I wanted more.
I don’t know how it had happened, but somehow that infernal quilt separating us finally got pushed away, and he moved, laying his body on mine. I welcomed his heated weight against me, and my hands found their way under his shirt. I ran them feverishly against his hard muscled back, pressing him even closer.
His lips left my mouth, sliding across my face to the skin of my neck, and he bit me lightly, trailing small love bites down to my collarbone. I couldn’t help releasing a soft moan, naturally arching against him when his tongue flicked out, licking a sensitive spot there.
He pulled back then, and I heard him suck in a tortured breath.
“No,” he said, but I brought him back to me, kissing his mouth.
His kisses continued, but he reached to untangle my hands from him, pinning them back to the bed. He moved away to look at me again, breathing heavily, and I squirmed slightly beneath him, trying to maintain contact with his body.
“Portia! Stop!” He released me as he fell to his side, rolling off both me and the bed. He moved quickly to stand near the window.
I pushed up on my elbows, my chest heaving, and looked at him.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, my body trembling, confused by his departure. I raked my gaze over his wrinkled shirt and the hard body beneath.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said, turning away toward the window, breathing hard. He lifted the sash and leaned through into the night air.
I sighed pitifully and looked away from him. That’s when I caught my reflection in the dresser mirror. I was completely disheveled—my hair in tangled masses and my pajama top with a small rip in the seam of my shoulder from where he’d pulled on it. My lips were swollen and bruised looking, and pink bite marks trailed brightly down my neck, proof that he’d been there. I looked like one of those sexy pin-up models in a magazine.
“Oh!” I said softly, running my fingers through my hair while I looked at my flushed skin for a moment. I went to the window and joined him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t touch me,” he said brusquely without turning, and a tinge of hurt coursed through me. He sighed heavily at that, and his body trembled slightly.
“Portia, I love you more than anything in the world, but if you know what’s best for you, I suggest you get back into the bed and cover yourself.”
I stood there staring at his back for a moment, feeling injured because he wouldn’t look at me.
“Now!” he added, through gritted teeth, every muscle in his body tense.
Dutifully, I turned around and went back to the bed, crawled in and covered up like he asked me to do. Jinx hopped on the bed, nuzzling my chin, while I patiently waited for Vance to say something. Several minutes passed before he turned to face me. He leaned his hips back against the windowsill, folding his arms across his chest over his wrinkled shirt.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his expression somewhat guarded. “I didn’t mean to lose control like that.”
“I’m sorrier then. I wanted to lose control like that.” I stared straight into his eyes. “I’m even more sorry you stopped.”
“Portia, I’d like nothing better than to give you what you want. You don’t understand.” He shook his head, a tortured laugh escaping him.
; “Then enlighten me please,” I replied, wondering what I’d done wrong.
He stared hard at me, silent for what seemed like an hour, clenching and unclenching his jaw before he finally spoke.
“The reason’s two-fold,” he began, his eyes never leaving me. “The first one being I just pledged myself to you in a binding ceremony where I promised to keep you pure and never lure you into evil.”
“You think making love to me would be evil?” I asked in amazement, unable to believe what I was hearing.
“No. Never.” He left the window and came to sit on the edge of the bed, taking both of my hands in his. “I want to do it right,” he explained with a sigh. “I want to share something with you, okay?”
He didn’t continue until I nodded.
“When I was on the run, I never knew from one moment to the next if I was going to be in the same place at the same time the next day. I never had time to cultivate real relationships with the people I met. But there was one time when we’d been able to stay put for a few months, and I started making some friends. I even had a steady girlfriend.”
My body flared with jealousy at the mention of another girl, but I tried to rein it in so I could hear what he was trying to say.
“One night we were at a bonfire party on the beach. This girl and I, we snuck off together into the dark. We made out with each other in the sand, for what seemed like hours, until my body was so on fire I thought I wouldn’t be able to control myself a minute longer. I decided right then I was going to sleep with her. She was more than willing, and so was I.”
The more he spoke, the more I wanted to cry. I couldn’t stand hearing about him being with another girl. I kept trying to tell myself he hadn’t cheated, but my heart wasn’t listening very well.
“It was at that moment my phone rang,” he said. “I don’t even know what made me stop to answer it, but it was Marsha telling me my dad had found us again.” I saw a pained emotion run through his eyes. “I got off the girl and ran, never even looking back at her once. I hopped on my motorcycle and followed the escape plan Marsha and I set up precisely for such an occasion.”
He lifted one of his hands, dragging it through his hair before he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
“Marsha and I didn’t stop until the next night. And when I collapsed onto my bed in the hotel, I finally let myself think about what nearly happened. I was horrified.”
He looked at me then.
“Do you realize if Marsha had called a few minutes later it would’ve been too late? I would’ve already been physically intimate with that girl and then ran, never to see her again.”
He shook his head, and I could see the self-loathing in his eyes.
“I didn’t have any protection with me. I could’ve gotten her pregnant and left her alone with a child, to deal with the circumstances all by herself. And I could’ve ended up with a child I knew nothing about. Could you imagine if that had happened? My kid would’ve been raised without me, magical blood flowing through its veins with a mom who doesn’t have a clue about our kind. It would be a disaster waiting to happen.”
“But it didn’t happen, Vance,” I reminded him, trying to help him feel better. “Everything turned out okay.”
“No, Portia. It’s not okay,” he argued. “I abused that girl when I ran without saying one word. I left her in the heat of passion wondering what she did wrong. I didn’t stop when I heard her calling after me. I didn’t give any explanation. I left. I just disappeared.”
I suddenly felt very sorry for this girl, whoever she was. My heart ached for her because I realized she’d actually lived my biggest fear, which was waking one morning and finding Vance gone. I couldn’t help the involuntary shudder that coursed through me while he continued to speak.
“I made up my mind right then I wasn’t going to have sex until I was married. If I was married to someone, then it meant I’d be able to be in a real relationship with someone I really loved, not some poor one-night stand who happened to be an unfortunate victim of my circumstances.
“This is precisely why it’s so hard for me to be with you. You’re the person I want to have all that with. I realize now everything I’ve ever felt about anybody else in my past was the result of meaningless hormones coursing through my adolescent male brain.
“It’s different with you, though. I love you, and I want to be with you because I love you. But I’m still in the same turmoil too. Even now, my dad is threatening me, and I have to start worrying about the safety of everyone around me.
“I don’t want to put you in any kind of position that could leave you in a bad place. And I don’t want to have some cheap fling with you either. I want to give you your first time at the right time, and I want it to be crazy special—not because we lost control for a moment. Call me old-fashioned if you want, but I can’t think of a better time to celebrate the joining of our bodies than after the legal joining of our hearts. It’s the most intimate gift I can give you.”
He looked deeply into my eyes, searching for some type of reassurance from me, and I pulled him into a tender embrace.
“Thank you, Vance, for sharing this with me. I do understand better now that you’re explaining it.” My eyes got teary when I considered the trauma this poor guy had been through in his past. He hugged me back, but we didn’t hold each other for very long since there was still a strong undercurrent passing between us. It was hard to stop whatever this was.
“You said the reason was two-fold,” I probed, letting go of him so he could continue to explain the things in his heart.
He sighed, getting up to pace the room.
“I’m not a good person, Portia. I’m naturally drawn toward doing things that aren’t good for me. My connection with dark magic and its elements has never been completely removed, and it’s an attraction I fight every minute to overcome. I think having a physical relationship with you, outside of marriage, is something I’m drawn to because it’s considered a taboo thing to do. There’s always this part of me that wants to do everything rough and wild. I want to be completely out of control, throwing all caution to the wind.” He turned to look at me, making sure I could see the power of what he was trying to tell me in his eyes.
“I want this physical relationship with you, badly—to the point I feel consumed by it at times. But I worry if I were to give into it, bypassing the goal I’ve set for myself, it would start me down a path I’ve been trying very hard to avoid. And trust me, Portia, when I tell you . . . once I cross this line with you, there’ll be no going back for me. I won’t be able to stop.”
The heat of his words began to sink in, and I felt overwhelmed. He moved next to me.
“I can’t get past the fact that I’m the terrible one in this relationship. It’s me that could destroy everything—everything I really love, and everything you love too. I’d never be able to forgive myself.” He lifted his hand and ran his fingers through my hair.
“That’s exactly why I believe in you,” I replied. “You love us, and I think you’ll honor your vows because of that.”
“I hope you’re right,” he said, moving away from me to sit dejectedly on the end of the bed. I crawled behind him, wrapping my arms around him and hugging tightly.
“What you did tonight was proof. You stopped something you didn’t want to stop, and that takes a lot of control, Vance. Give yourself credit where credit is due.”
He leaned his head against mine and patted my arm.
“Thanks for understanding.” I could still feel his mental struggle. “It’s so hard for me to stay away from you. You honestly have no idea what I’ve gone through.”
I kicked myself for causing him more stress. “I’ll try to be more helpful from now on too.”
“Let’s get some sleep,” he replied suddenly, cutting the conversation off by standing and walking to the head of the bed. “Come get under the covers, my sexy vixen, so I can tuck you in properly.”
I smiled a little
, but did as he asked, and when he lay next to me this time, he stuck a pillow and the quilt in between us. He still grabbed my hand, though.
“Sorry, but I think hand-holding will be more appropriate for the rest of the night,” he said, smiling.
Jinx seemed to sense the tension also and settled on the pillow between us. I laughed lightly before rolling onto my side to face Vance. I closed my eyes as the pad of his thumb stroked repeatedly across my hand, lulling me into relaxation along with Jinx’s purring. My body melted into the pillow and bedding, and I was right on the verge of sleep when I heard his last conscious thought run through his head.
“I almost didn’t stop, Portia,” he confessed. “I wanted it all.”