There was no guessing whose voice that was. I could tell from the way the hairs on my arms stood up, from the hot, pooling feeling in my stomach, from the way my heart skipped a beat and staggered on.
Despite feeling frozen to the ground, I turned on the spot and saw Ludie through the maze of shoppers.
He was pushing forty now and looked even more handsome than he did when he was younger. His hair had thinned out a little bit and had lost a bit of the sheen but it was still colored like gold and honey and his eyes were that sharp, calculating blue.
I didn’t know what to do or what to say. All those feelings of betrayal and heartache came rolling back just as if it were yesterday. A part of me wanted to hug him in the joy of seeing an old friend. Another part wished I could have taken the nearest fish and battered him over the head with it then kicked him over the side of the docks until he hit the water below and drowned.
Ludie didn’t seem to be too concerned with how I was going to react. As soon as he saw my face, he raised his hand in a slight wave and his lips parted to show those show business teeth of his.
I wish I could tell you that I told Ludie to go straight to hell and that he wouldn’t deserve anything more than that, but I didn’t. I was a fool, again. A weak, sad woman.
I returned the shy wave and within minutes we were walking together out of the market and to a nearby park, the sun sparkling off of his hair and the buildings and his smile and the light in my heart.
“Listen, Pippa,” he said taking hold of my hand in his, adjusting himself on the park bench to face me. “I was a terrible fool.”
I gave him a slight smile, not disagreeing with him at all. “You were. But so was I.”
“No, my darling,” he said, reaching up for my cheek. “You were magnificent. You were the love of my life and I threw you away. I was young, stupid and out of my mind. I didn’t know how to handle my feelings or my fame or anything of that nature. I spent the last few years regretting what I did to you, wondering if I’d ever get the chance to redeem myself in your eyes.”
“It has been almost fifteen years,” I told him, trying to take my hand back. “A lot has changed since then. You can’t blame yourself for your past.”
“But I can and I do,” he said. His eyes explored my own and I was shocked how little they had changed. It made me wonder that if the eyes were windows to the soul and his reflected the soul of the selfish boy I once knew, was that person still inside of him?
“I’m married now.” I flashed him my ring.
“Are you happily married?”
I sucked in my breath through my teeth. He was so bold with his questioning, asking me things I didn’t want to think about.
“I think so,” I answered and looked down at my thighs.
“Are you happy in life?”
I bit my lip and slowly shook my head, no. I wasn’t happy in my life.
“I’m not either,” he said. “I never have been since I hurt you. Since I lost you. I want to feel that happiness again and I need you.”
He continued on like this for a while, saying his promises and declarations of love and other lovely things. If I were a stronger woman, a good and righteous woman, I would have told him to forget it. I would have left him in that park and I would have gone right home to my loving husband and I would have continued living the life I carved out for myself.
Alas, I did not do that and I am sure you knew that was coming.
I didn’t go home to Karl. I went with Ludie to the hotel room where he was staying (as he had been performing in England until a few days ago) and we made passionate love until I absolutely had to go home.
It wasn’t a so-called “one night fling” either. This lasted for the next year. I was out of the house every other day, pretending I was going to fabric stores or meeting new friends or just exploring and all the while I would meet Ludie at the hotel, and eventually, as he found theatre work again in the city, his house. I was a woman living two lives and though I was happier in Ludie’s arms, I still felt miserable in both. I was the opposite of an honest woman. I had no idea if my parents were alive anymore but if they weren’t, they’d be rolling in their graves.
It was amazing what fifteen years of growth and life would do to a person, however. Though he was still self-centered and short-tempered, I detected a sense of peace in him that I hadn’t seen before.
“You’re amazing, you know that,” he told me one night as we lay sprawled across the sheets of his bed.
I blushed as he still had the ability to bring color and heat to my face and smacked him lightly with my hand. “Oh, stop that.”
“I’m serious,” he went on, reaching for my hair and brushing it out of my face. “You are. I’ve never met anyone like you in my entire life.”
I wasn’t sure what he was talking about since I was as ordinary as everyone else.
“You have this…way about you. I can feel you from across the way, like you give off this energy. It’s…a sadness.”
I looked at him sharply. Sadness?
“It’s a like you have so much life and potential somewhere deep inside, some greater purpose that is dying to come out. But you don’t know what it is or how to reach it. So it festers in this blue pool. I think of blue when I think of you Pippa. Blue, cooling, calming, like the sea, like your eyes. It soothes me to be with you.”
“What do you think I’m meant to do?” I asked quietly. It felt foolish to even humor his ramblings. What could I, at 35-years old, offer the world anymore? What was my purpose if it wasn’t to be a great actress, if it wasn’t to have children?
“I think you’re meant to save people,” he said. His eyes flashed with something like pity. “Let’s start with me.”
That night I cried for the first time during our love making. It was like the damn burst in my soul and I wept for the love I felt and the life I never had.
A week later I was leaving the public library with a stack of books about makeup and fashion design, feeling strangely inspired for the first time in years. Ludie had gone to Gotland to see his sister and I spent the last few days keeping busy, waiting for his return. It was winter and dark out at three in the afternoon, so I was acceptably cautious as I left the library and made my way to the nearest tram station.
This is why when I sensed someone walking behind me, I didn’t turn to look. I kept my eyes forward, my head high. There were a few people on the street but they were hunched to the cold and it was dark as anything. I was paranoid but in this situation I thought it would suit me well.
Wherever I walked though, the presence followed me, until finally I had to spin around and glare at whomever had appointed themselves my stalker.
I saw a shimmer of wavering air and then before my eyes, it became Jakob.
My books went crashing to my feet, sending the snow everywhere.
Jakob was a few paces away and staring at me hard. He looked exactly as he did all those years ago, still a teenage boy, but the expression on his face had changed. His eyes were cold, his smile, what was left of it, was tight.
“Jakob,” I said. I looked around to see if anyone was about, anyone who would catch me talking to myself.
“Follow me, Miss Lindstrom,” he commanded with a soft voice. He walked past me and headed in the direction of a nearby alley. I picked up the books and followed him, feeling as if I had no choice. I was scared but enthralled and let myself go with the strange pull he had over me.
We entered the alley. It smelled of urine and snow and cold pipes. It was dirty and narrow and a dead end and the flakes that fell from the sky disappeared quickly into the darkness. Only a rusted fire escape filled the area, hanging a few feet off the ground.
This would be the perfect place to lose your life, I thought to myself and eyed Jakob carefully. I never thought the boy could or would hurt me but the grim expression on his face didn’t do anything to dissuade my fears.
He didn’t say anything any first, he just stopped in the middle of
the alleyway and let his eyes roam all over the bricks, his head cocked slightly as if he was listening. I knew better than to interrupt him, so I kept my mouth shut and licked my dry lips anxiously.
Finally he looked at me and that hard gleam returned to his eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t come by sooner.”
I was caught off guard by that understated remark. “I…”
“I don’t have too much time to explain Pippa,” he said. He took my hands in his and I was amazed at the strength and warmth of his touch. He looked past my shoulder and nodded. I turned my head and saw the end of the alley ripple and pulse, the door to the Thin Veil, the Otherside.
“I have to go back there soon, and it’s not safe to take you there right now. Not in your state.”
“My state?” I asked, my heart slowing down by a few beats.
His hands squeezed mine and he kept his eyes on me, serious and grave.
“Pippa, you’re pregnant,” he said. His words sounded colder than ice and as impossible as it was, I knew it was true.
I could barely form words so my lips moved soundlessly. I was pregnant. Most likely by Ludie, my one true love. I was finally going to have a child. His child. The notion should have filled my heart with joy, but though it was beating faster, wanting to drum in the possibility, the look on Jakob’s face made me pause, made me stifle the expanding feelings.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him. “Shouldn’t you be happy for me?”
He smiled and his eyes crinkled at the corners, but they weren’t happy at all. Once again he looked years older than fourteen and I had a feeling I was about to receive some very bad news.
“You are a special woman,” Jakob said and I was instantly reminded of what Ludie told me in bed. “And being special makes you at great risk for others who want to use you.”
I brought my coat in closer and stamped my foot impatiently. “I haven’t seen you in sixteen years. When I last did, you were talking about this Otherside. You told me you weren’t alive. I don’t even know who you really are or what you are. Please, don’t think you’ll get away this time without explain absolutely everything that you know. I deserve that much.”
“That could take some time and I don’t have time.”
“You have the time to tell me I’m pregnant!” I said, raising my gloved finger at him. “Now you’re going to finish telling me why I’m special, why I’m at risk. Why does it matter if I’m pregnant? It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
Jakob placed his hand at my stomach and a blanched at his touch. “The baby is not safe.”
My heart sank. Could this all be over before it has even begun?
“What do you mean?”
“You need to get rid of it.”
I was dumbstruck by his cruel words and searched his face for some sort of answer. He was not joking with me, his grey eyes were glinting like steel and his face was robbed of all its color.
“I will do no such thing,” I said quietly and made my gaze match the intensity of his.
“Please,” he said and his eyes darted quickly over to the Thin Veil and back. “I don’t wish to show you so you just have to believe me.”
“If you think I will give up this child growing newly inside me because you said so, you must be as crazy as you are dead.”
“You’re the one who will end up crazy,” he hissed at me. “Or dead!”
He let out a sigh, his breath failing to create steam in the frigid air and grabbed my arm. “Come on.”
He began to lead me toward the shimmering air. Panic bubbled up in my throat and I stopped my legs, keeping them locked to the ground. Jakob tugged again.
“You told me it wasn’t safe to go there,” I said. I started to shake all over, from the cold, from the fear, from the unknown.
“It isn’t,” he said, his grip tightening. “But you aren’t giving me much choice. I can explain things better over there than I can here. The ones that are looking for you are already on this side.”
For the second time that night, I was speechless. And scared out of my wits. But Jakob pulled at my arm again and I let him lead me toward the air.
It was fantastic up close. I felt like I was looking through a cool pond and instead of seeing the bottom, I saw the rest of the street, the snowy sheen of Stockholm, albeit filtered as if it were tinted with grey gauze. The air was constantly moving, rippling back and forth, and it sparkled too.
“What will happen to me?” I whispered, my eyes hypnotized by the sight that danced before me.
“Hopefully, nothing,” Jackob said. “But if you want the whole truth, you have to come with me.”
Then he walked forward into the air, which shimmied and stretched around him. He looked faded now, half transparent, as if he was close to disappearing completely. His hand reached through toward me, into my world again, and became solid. The snow fell and collected on his sleeve as he went for my hand. I took it gingerly in mine and then I was yanked forward into a shimmering wall of pressure.
The first things I noticed were a distinct lack of sound and smell and sight, like everything around me ceased. Then my eyes adjusted and sound filtered back in and my nostrils flinched with a vague scent of burning. It looked like I was back where I was, on the street, except it was completely empty, the snow had stopped falling and lay undisturbed at my feet. Colors were dull and de-saturated.
Jakob cleared his throat and I whirled around to see him standing behind me. His red hair was now a very dull shade of grey. His eyes remained the same.
“What do you think?” he asked and I saw that flash of little boy hopefulness in him. He wanted me to like this place, his home.
“It’s different,” I said simply and looked around. It was different. It was like an unpopulated version of my world.
“We are in another layer,” he said and walked toward a bunch of crates that were stacked up at the entrance of the alley. He sat on one and patted the other.
“Sit down and I will tell you what you need to know. And many things you’ll wish I didn’t.”
I did as he said, noticing that my feet made no marks in the snow as I walked, feeling no chill in the air at all.
“All right,” I said. I adjusted my position on the crate so I was facing him and waited patiently for him to continue.
“This place, the Thin Veil, the Otherside, the Black Sunshine, is a parallel world for the dead. It is a place of transition, the world where souls first step into before they travel above or below or to the other places I have not seen yet. My name is Jakob but it wasn’t always Jakob, that is just my name when I am here. All us guides are called Jakob. We help souls cross over to where they need to go and some of us, some of us are guardians. We keep this place free from monsters and special people such as yourself.”
That was an awful lot for my uneducated brain to take in.
“You keep this place…free from…people like me? Monsters? How…”
His voice dropped to a lower register. “Monsters are real, Pippa. I know you’ve seen them when they cross over. Sometimes they look like ordinary people. At other times, they look like the demons they are. Or faceless shadows. They come from the underworld, a place of blood and sorrow. The Thin Veil is the closest point for them to break through. They look for souls to possess, for bodies to have, for lives to devour. They are very, very dangerous. And they tend to go after people like you. That is one reason why people like you are a threat to this place.”
“Well, my goodness. You know I would have never come here had you not dragged me here. It’s not like I can step into this place anytime I want.”
“Oh, but dear Miss Lindstrom, you can. You can come here anytime you want, now that you know. And if you’re really powerful, which I suspect you are, you can create doors whenever you wish.”
I was powerful enough to create doors to another world? It was too unbelievable for my ears, despite the fact I was sitting with a spirit guide in what appeared to be another dimension.
“So
they want me…”
“They want you because you possess this power. It is very attractive to them. You also attract other beings, not just monsters and demons. You attract ghosts, spirits who remain here because they are unable to move on. They can see the world they left behind and roam among it but others do not see them. Except for you. Can you imagine an eternity of loneliness, of being ignored, and then finally being seen, being listened to?”
Oh, I didn’t have to imagine that feeling. I had experienced it many times before.
“So why am I safe here? Why am I not safe on the other side?”
He looked around him. “The guardians are out doing their job, keeping the demons at bay. They can’t do anything for the spirits who spend their time here and in your world, but the demons they can control. However, if they slip past, and it does happen, they are free to cause destruction. The guardians cannot come to the other world, and even guides shouldn’t.”
“Will you get in trouble for coming to see me?” I asked, wondering who exactly Jakob answered to.
He shrugged. “I might. But I’m pretty stealthy. This world is as vast as yours and they can’t be everywhere at once.”
“And in my world?”
He chewed on his lip before speaking. “In your world, it’s…easier to be watched. From here, you can conjure up doors or windows that will open up anywhere you please. It’s how I’ve been able to watch you while you were a child, then watch you now. When I’m in your world – the living world – I am aware that at any moment one of the guides or guardians, or even demons, can find out where I am or what I’m saying. It’s like a mental and physical leash that keeps me tethered to the Otherside.”
I rubbed at my temples, feeling a bout of pressure on them.
“You’re in pain,” he said and began to get off the box.
“No, no.” I waved at him to sit back down. “It’s just a lot to handle.”
“That’s why no one should ever know. You knowing you’re special was always enough, you never needed to know it all, to come here. That’s why I tried to keep it from you. That’s why we aren’t allowed to tell.”