I still delay my response, trying to erase the confused expression from her face. I kiss her on the forehead.
“Do you not have any protection?” she asks.
If I just say no, will she go with it? It sounds like she might, and then I don’t have to admit that this is more of an assertion of dominance over her… because really, that’s what this is. I know this.
I have to be honest.
I reach into my dresser and pull out a small box of condoms, producing one from the container. I hand it to her. “I don’t want to wear it.”
My room goes completely silent. I can’t believe I just admitted this to her. I don’t think she can, either. It takes a second for both of us to resume our breathing.
“And you’ve never done that with anyone.” She stares at the condom as she says this. Please say it’s okay, Olivia. Please don’t be angry with me. But even more than that, please say it’s okay.
“No,” I whisper. I cover the condom with my palm and hold her hand in mine as she considers this.
“And you want to, with me.” Instead of sounding reluctant, she sounds very open to the idea. She sounds like she’s smiling. I finally look at her face, and I see that she is.
“Ye–” I try to answer, but she doesn’t let me. She reaches out for me to kiss her, and I make it easy by picking her up and laying her down on the bed. I crawl on top of her, pressing my lips strategically to different parts of her body. I pull away to show her the condom. I’ll give her the opportunity to change her mind. I have to give her that opportunity. I know what I want, but I also know I’ll have to stop if she tells me no.
Right now, though, I just want to take advantage of the yes she already gave me.
“It’s going to be right here,” I tell her as I tuck it beneath the pillow. “If you want me to wear it, I will.” She nods at me, showing me she understands, but she’s also grabbing at me to return to her, so I don’t think she’ll change her mind. “I’m not going to wear it unless you ask me to.”
“Okay“ she says softly.
“Okay?” I clarify. “At any point, just stop me.”
“Stop you from what?” she whines. “You haven’t started anything yet.” I love her impatience, and I align my body with hers, lying down slowly. She sets the pace, though, and it’s quick and needy, and there is very little thinking going on between either of us.
I wake up with the sun streaming in my eyes through the window and thoughts of Olivia still lingering in my head. Last night was staggering. After she left, I stood under the stream of a hot shower for about 30 minutes, grinning like an idiot and reliving every moment.
Thirty minutes was all I needed for the reality to set in.
What a stupid risk we took – that I talked her into taking. I mean, she’s taking her pills, and I saw the evidence. I know enough about women’s physiology to understand the extremely low chances there would be of us conceiving a child. But still. It’s a chance. Never again. I will never ask that of her again, until far in the future when both of us could accept the responsibility of a baby. That day isn’t today. It’s years down the line.
Did my alarm go off? I pick up my phone, and my heart stops. My lab is half-way over. I never set the alarm. Shit. Hurriedly, I throw the sheets off the bed and grab some clothes from my closet and put them on. I’ll come back and shower at lunch time. I brush my teeth, grab a baseball cap and scour the room for my books and supplies. I have to empty my messenger bag that I’d used over spring break, and piece together everything I need to bring. After putting my books and laptop inside, I head for the door.
My headphones. I like drawing to music, so I return to my desk to grab them.
A pink plastic container sits atop my earbuds. Shit. Olivia’s birth control pills. I stare at them hard, afraid to touch them. My bag slides off my shoulder, and I barely catch it before it slams into the floor. I set it down on the bed and sit beside it.
I can’t believe she left the pills here. I hear our conversation in my head.
“You take them like you’re supposed to?”
“Faithfully, every night before bed.”
Maybe she took her pill before she left last night. Surely she did. I mean, they’re sitting out. They’re right here. But then I remember the panicked state in which she left the dorm.
We’d fallen asleep, and she had fifteen minutes to make it home. She never took the pill. She didn’t even have time to put her clothes back on properly. She didn’t notice, but part of her silk underwear was showing because her skirt was tucked into itself. I fixed it for her, not wanting to tell her, not wanting to worry her that guys definitely saw her like that leaving my building. If anyone recognized her, her father would have yet another public relations nightmare on his hands – once again because of me.
Remembering that fact, I pull out my laptop to check the main gossip sites that have featured pictures of her in the past. Fortunately, there’s no mention of her, and a quick Google search brings up nothing recent, either. We dodged that bullet, but in the bigger scheme of things, I would almost rather a scandalous picture than her untaken birth control pill sitting on my desk.
She just needs to take it as soon as she can. I pick up the packet and check the blister pack, seeing Sunday’s pill staring back at me. It’s in the middle of her cycle. I know if she missed one now, it’s probably the best time to make that mistake.
Not that there’s really a good time for that.
Is she still on antibiotics? Oh, shit. Now’s a great time to remember that.
Why did I do this? I’m smarter than this.
I’ve never felt so stupid in all my life.
I decide to skip the science lab, remembering there’s another session later in the day that we were told we could attend if we needed to make up a class. I pick up my phone to call her, but I don’t place the call. She’s in class, anyway, and wouldn’t be able to see me if she even noticed her phone ringing. I can wait a few hours for lunch time.
While I wait, I skip my art class, too, opting to lose myself in a book at the library. My head is all over the place. I can’t believe I did this to her. Last night was about possession. I wanted to prove to her that she was mine, and no one else’s. I needed to leave my mark on her. Was a civilized man at all present for what happened last night, or was I just some mindless beast acting on primal instinct alone?
I’m disgusted with myself. I can’t bear to think that I had no conscious thought in what happened, but if I admit that I did, then I have to admit that I wasn’t considering her life or our futures whatsoever.
Shit.
Is this even something I need to worry about? A pregnancy, probably not, but I do worry about how careless my actions were. I can vow to never let it happen again, but if there was no conscious thought…
There is always conscious thought. I just sucked at that last night and let jealousy get in the way of all of my decisions.
I make a stop at the drug store on the way to Olivia’s school, picking up a bottle of water so she can take her medicine privately, off campus.
I’d hoped to be there just as lunch started, but she must be half-way through by now. I call her, waiting out front.
“Hey!” she says. She obviously hasn’t realized that she’s missing her pills, or else she’d be a lot more somber right now.
“You at lunch?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
“Yeah.”
“I’m out front, just outside the gate,” I explain, then pause for a second. I’m afraid of her reaction–so afraid she’ll be angry about what I convinced her to do. “Do you think you can come out?”
“Ummm…” she hesitates. “I’m not supposed to leave the campus during the day, but… I guess they’ll never know.”
“Okay. See you in a few.” A few students from her school stand under an awning, watching me warily. I scan the grounds, checking all the exits, until I finally see her to my left. She’s wearing her school uniform. Those should be i
llegal in this day and age. I think now they have quite the opposite effect than they did when they were introduced in the middle of last century.
She nearly skips to me, saying a happy “hi“ to me before she kisses me. I hold her tightly, afraid my expression will worry her, but she’s distracted by the bag I am carrying.
“What’d you get me?” She grins in anticipation. I can’t hide my worry about her reaction, and I want to go somewhere private in case people are watching us.
“Wanna walk to your car? Are you in the private lot?” I ask, heading in that direction.
She stops me by placing her hand on my forearm. “I can’t skip class–”
“No, I’m not asking you to,” I assure her.
She looks confused. “Do you need my car?”
“No, Livvy. Just walk with me?” I plead, glancing around nervously.
“Okay. Can I open the present?” She takes it out of my hand.
“Wait until we cross the street,” I instruct her, guiding her through the crosswalk. She stops suddenly in the middle of the intersection, and when I look down at her, I see she’s peeked inside the bag. Her face goes ashen and her mouth falls open. “C’mon, it’s fine, baby. Get to the sidewalk at least.”
“I didn’t take it,” she says softly, then looks up at me desperately. “How did I not take it?” she says, now panicking.
“I shouldn’t have put them on the nightstand,” I say apologetically. “Take it now. There’s a bottle of water in there.” Her hand in mine, I take her into the parking garage and find the nearest bench, right inside the entryway. I stand as she takes a seat, hoping to provide her with some privacy. She glances around before reaching in the bag and producing the packet. She stares at the pill just like I did while I twist the cap off the bottle. Once freeing it from the packaging, she takes the pill quickly, and keeps drinking the water.
As she pulls the drink to her lap, she says, “It’s fine, though.”
I don’t respond immediately, not knowing what exactly is fine. She doesn’t care, or… She looks up at me, her eyebrows raised. It was a question.
“Yes.” I feel certain it’s fine, but I’m not sure I can persuade her to believe that. I sit next to her and try to calm her down by rubbing her leg. We both stare idly at the ground as I wait for her to speak. I tap my foot to hers, but she stays still and rigid. “I guess you can only be so careful. It was stupid,” I say, ashamed. “I shouldn’t have asked for that. I’m sorry.”
“But it’s fine, right?”
“Yes, Liv. I’m sure it’s fine.” My voice sounds weak, though, and unconvincing. She digs around in the bag some more, and I brace myself for her response to the final ’gift’ in the bag.
“Plan B,” she says, reading the box. “What’s this?”
I don’t answer her. It says it right on the box. She just needs to let it sink in.
“The morning-after pill?” Her breathing quickens, and her once pale face turns bright red. “You said it’s fine.”
“It is, baby. I’m sure it is.”
“Then why did you give me this if it’s fine?”
“For your peace of mind. I’m confident, Liv. It would be highly unlikely based on where you are in your cycle, and you’ve been taking the pills regularly… until last night.” Why did I take them out of her purse? Why did I make her prove to me that she’d been taking them?
“But you’re worried?” she asks.
“No. I’m not.” In truth, I am. I decide to breeze past the fact that she’s on other medication that could hinder the effects of her birth control. “It’s just… I don’t know, it’s just a reality these days, Livvy, and this is exactly the situation this product was made for.”
“No, it’s not a reality,” she says, her voice cutting. “People lived for thousands of years without needing a morning-after pill–”
“Right, because there were back-alley clinics that would be happy to risk a mother’s life while aborting a child with a coat hanger. Who needs a pill?” This is a much safer option. Why can’t she see that?
“That’s crass, Jon. That’s awful.”
“I’m sorry, but it’s true. People have been… you know…“
“Terminating pregnancies since the beginning of time?” she says, mocking me. “It’s as common as breathing!”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” I interrupt, putting the offending box back into the bag. “Let’s not fight about this, okay?” I hate that she’s angry, but she has every right to be, and I know it. I feel awful, and I should. I’m supposed to be the responsible one in this relationship, and I’ve just led her down this path that could ruin all the plans we have for our futures.
“I don’t need it, though, do I?” she asks meekly.
“I don’t think so. I just want you to have a choice, that’s all.”
It obviously wasn’t the right thing to say, and I figure that out a split second after saying it. “I don’t want to make that choice.” I cradle her face and try to reassure her with a smile. “What would you do?” she asks.
I sigh first, then answer, just so she can sense the conflict. “I don’t want to tell you what to do. And honestly, I wouldn’t ask what you decide to do, Livvy. I don’t think you can possibly be pregnant, so in my mind, you never have to take it.” When I say the word pregnant, it takes all the air from my lungs, the reality crushing me once again.
“So you’ll leave me with the consequences, and the wondering, and the guilt? That’s not fair!” she yells loudly, so loudly I am sure other people can hear her.
“I never thought of it that way.” I hold her hand in mine. “You’re right. What would I do?” I ask, trying to put myself in her shoes.
“Yeah. What would you do, if you were me?” she asks.
I shake my head, not knowing if my answer is the right one. “I wouldn’t take it. It’s my opinion that a child is never unwanted in this world, even if its parents choose to give it up. If my dad had his way, and acted on his gut instinct, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
I know she can see the logic in my statement as she leans into me with her arms around me. I hold her tightly and place a soft kiss on the crown of her head. “But that’s just what I would do.”
“Do you need your car, Miss Holland?” I’m startled by the attendant. I tell him no as Livvy rushes away from him and out of the garage. I smile at him apologetically.
“How much do you think he heard?
“Nothing. I was watching, Olivia,” I tell her confidently, although I wasn’t watching. We were quiet when it counted. “No one was around. He just walked up.”
“You’re sure?” She looks so frightened, and I still can’t believe what an ass I was yesterday. I will never put her in that situation again. I don’t like the feeling at all, and no matter how wonderful it was in the moment, it’s not worth the amount of worry it’s causing.
“Positive.” I pull her into me and begin guiding her up the street. “You don’t have to decide now. The instructions say it’s effective for up to 72 hours after, so you’d need to decide by Wednesday afternoon.” I rub her arm slowly.
“We’d need to decide,” she argues.
“I’ll support your decision, either way,” I tell her.
“What if I don’t take it, and I am?” Her brows lowered, she looks angry as she asks her direct question. I’m sure she’s not pregnant. I know she’s not.
“I’ll support you, Olivia.” We stop walking, and I turn her to face me. “I love you, okay?”
She starts crying. It was so stupid and risky. And I know she’s worrying needlessly, but I can’t convince her of it. She crosses her arms across her stomach, letting the tears fall naturally.
“Shhh… don’t do that, it’s fine,” I whisper to her. “I think we’re making something out of nothing.” The lunch bell cuts me off. When I look down at her, she’s smiling at me. She trusts me. Why, I’m not sure, but she does. “I don’t think you’re pregnant.” I nod my head at her
.
“I don’t think I can take it.” Confused, I look at her questioningly. “The Plan B, I mean.”
“Okay,” I tell her quickly. I’ll stand by whatever she decides. I don’t want to be the one to decide because I don’t want her to resent me. Ever. For anything I’ve done.
“Really?”
“I’ll support your decision. You and I, Liv, we’re bigger than this situation. Whatever happens, the two of us are going to be just fine. Together.”
She smiles again, reaching to kiss me. “Can you come over tonight?” she asks, beginning to walk back toward her school.
“I can’t. I missed my lab this morning, dealing with this. There’s another session that I can go to tonight. I have to do it if I want to pass my quiz on Friday. Tomorrow, though. I’ll come over as soon as class is out.”
“Don’t come over,” she says. “Let’s meet somewhere.”
“I’ll meet you at school,” I suggest. “We can figure it out from there.
“Okay,” she agrees. Quickly, she transfers all of the pills to her purse and hands the red bag back to me.
“But I’ll call you after my lab,” I tell her. “Try not to worry about it though, okay?”
“Right,” she says, but I can tell by her tone she won’t be able to. “I’ll try. You either.”
“I’m not worried.” I’m not worried that she’s pregnant, but I am worried about what’s going on in her mind. I kiss her, telling her I love her while our lips are still touching.
“Love you, too,” she says. After we part, and she walks toward the school, I’m fairly certain I hear her crying again. My heart is pounding, suddenly very nervous and feeling not so sure of our situation as I was just a few seconds ago. I should go to her, but I don’t. I let her go, turning around only once before I start toward the bus stop. Her back to me, I can see that she’s holding her head in her hands.
I can’t believe I put her in this position. Never again. I will never, ever ask her to do that again.