The minister began.
That should have been Nelson and I up there, I thought. If only I had been more forceful that night when he and his parents had been invited to dinner, a dinner Daddy had designed to develop a relationship between Nelson and Belinda. If only I had been more forward and seized his attention, first charming him with words and ideas and then exciting him with my sexuality. Weeks later it would have been Nelson and I in the boathouse and not Nelson and Belinda. Instead of that wasteful, wild assignation that amounted to nothing, we would have begun an all consuming love affair that would have lit a fire so strong in both our hearts, nothing could quench it and calm our passions but the promise of a life together.
But this was not to be. Some capricious and mean spirit turned him away from me and dangled Belinda in front of him, teasing and tempting him until he succumbed. I was not even an afterthought. Then, to put the icing on the bitter cake I had to swallow, I had to be the one to condemn him, the one to behave in the garb of some moral judge, the voice of conscience and decency, embarrassing and frightening him. He would always think of me as some ogre, I feared, some authority and power instead of someone soft and loving. Never before in my life did I hate who I was as much as I did that afternoon in the chapel watching Nelson Childs pronounce his vows of love and devotion to another woman. When she recited her words, I mouthed them to myself and when he spoke, I closed my eyes and dreamed.
The organ began again and everyone stood as Nelson and the now Mrs. Nelson Childs walked up the aisle, accepting congratulations, smiling at cameras, blinking at flashbulbs, waving and clinging to each other as they passed their loyal subjects, their doting guests.
"Wasn't that a magnificent wedding ceremony, Olivia?" Samuel asked with exhilaration when he returned to my side.
"Yes," I said quickly.
"She looked so beautiful, didn't she? What a fine looking couple they make, the darlings of Provincetown, eh?"
"I wouldn't go that far, Samuel," I muttered. "Don't get carried away with it."
He laughed and turned to Daddy.
"What do you think, Winston?"
"Fine wedding, beautiful, yes," Daddy muttered. I wondered if he regretted that that wasn't Belinda up there or even me. He looked distracted and was quickly pulled away by some of his business associates.
Nelson and Louise, along with their families, went off to pose for the photographer while the guests attended the reception. Because Samuel was the best man, we sat at the dais facing the dance floor. A full orchestra had been hired to play the big band sounds. There was a female vocalist as well. As the guests entered, the music began.
The Baers and Stevenses were at the dais as well because Ron Baer and Carl Stevens were junior partners in Nelson's father's law offices, a practice that was becoming one of the most successful in Provincetown, if not the whole North Cape area.
"I love what you did with your home," Janet Baer told us. She looked at Samuel as if he had done it all.
"What you see is mostly Olivia's creation," he replied quickly.
"Oh? You seem to be expert at everything, Olivia," she said with a saccharine smile, the sort of smile that could upset anyone's stomach, like too much candy.
"What is your sister doing with herself these days?" Tami Stevens asked. I saw the quick look she threw at Janet as soon as she asked. It was meant to be a jab in my side. I saw how she gloated after asking.
"She's waiting," I said dryly.
The two women gazed at me with cloudy, confused eyes.
"Waiting? Waiting for what?" Janet asked.
"To decide," I replied. Neither cracked a smile. Samuel laughed.
"Would you like to dance, Olivia?" he asked rising. "Yes, I would," I said and stood up.
"Well," he said to the other husbands, "we're all here for a good time. Get off your legal briefs."
Never had I appreciated Samuel's humor more. I let him sweep me onto the dance floor, hiding my laughter by burying my face in his shoulder.
"Those two are so stuck on themselves, they're probably glued to the seats," Samuel quipped.
I laughed again. Afterward, I drank champagne, danced again, and then, when the orchestra stopped and the singer went to the microphone to announce the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Childs, I, along with everyone else, stood and faced the doorway. Nelson and Louise made their grand entrance to thunderous applause and hurried to their places at the center of the dais.
"Cupid must have designed that marriage," Janet Baer shouted over the din. "They look perfect together."
"What do they say, a marriage made in heaven? There's one," Carl Stevens declared.
They took their places at the dais and Samuel rose immediately, tapping his glass with his fork.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to propose a toast, the first toast of the evening."
Everyone stood up with their glasses of champagne and Samuel turned to Nelson and Louise.
"To Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Childs. May they be as happy as Olivia and I are."
I heard someone snicker behind me but there was a loud "Hear, hear," and everyone sipped their champagne. The music began again and so did the feast.
"Where are you going on your honeymoon?" Janet asked Nelson. He gazed at Samuel and me.
"Well, unlike the happily married Logans, we're not heading out to sea. We're going to the mountains, to Aspen. Louise is fond of hiking and she means to wear me out one way or the other."
He winked at me and then we all began to eat. Afterward, when Samuel had gotten up to speak to someone at the end of the dais, Nelson leaned over and whispered.
"Was he right, Olivia? Should I hope to be as happy as you two are?" he asked.
"I would hope you would always try to improve on things, Nelson," I said.
He chuckled silently and then turned to join some friends in a toast.
"Wait," he said reaching over to pour some more champagne in my glass. "Won't you join us?"
I did and then I drank another. In fact, I drank more at Nelson Childs' wedding than I had ever drunk anywhere, anytime, and I suddenly began to feel woozy. It got so I wasn't secure on my feet and stopped dancing. Samuel thought it was funny, but I hated the feeling that I could fall off the world.
"I think we'd better go soon," I told him in a whisper too loud. Nelson heard it, too.
"Not before you dance once with the groom, Mrs. Logan," he said. "It's customary for the best man's wife to do so, isn't it, Samuel?"
"Absolutely," he said.
"I don't think I can," I murmured, but Nelson was up and taking my hand. I felt the eyes of the other women at the dais as we walked down to the dance floor.
"I'm sorry if I cling to you too hard, Nelson, but if you let go, I'll probably fold up like someone's old umbrella."
"Hold on as tightly as you like," he said and held me snugly against him. I closed my eyes and let the side of my head rest on his shoulder.
"So now we're all happily married," Nelson said. "Not all," I said thinking of Belinda.
"She'll settle down one of these days."
"It's where and on whom that worries me," I said. Nelson laughed. I felt so good in his arms and with my eyes closed, the music in my ears, the laughter and talk drifting back, it was really possible to think of this as my own wedding. What would Nelson's first honeymoon night be like with his new wife? I wondered. Samuel implied that they had already had it many times over.
I was disappointed when the music ended. Nearly tripping as we rounded the dais, I steadied myself on Carl Stevens' shoulder, which brought laughter.
"I really do think we should go home, Samuel," I said as I sat, embarrassment turning my face crimson.
He agreed and we rose and bid our good-byes to Nelson and Louise.
"I hope we'll all become such good friends," she told me as she hugged me.
"So do I," I said.
Daddy appeared to be having a fine time with the Colonel and his other friends. I was happy for him. It pu
t me in a light mood on top of my dizzy spell and all the way home, I giggled. Samuel was very amused.
He helped me up the stairs.
"It's rare you're ever in need of anyone's help, Olivia. I should cherish this moment," he said.
I laughed at that. I laughed at everything: Samuel's surprised face, my room, the adjoining door, the image of myself in the mirror as I swayed. I struggled to reach back and undo the clip on my dress, but I couldn't maneuver my fingers very well and that seemed hysterically funny as well
"Let me continue to be of assistance, Madam," Samuel said. I plopped down on my bed and let him undress me with the lights still on. All the while I kept my eyes closed and hummed the last melody I heard at the wedding, the melody Nelson and I had danced to. Samuel's laughter seemed distant.
"Aren't you something?" he declared. "I never dreamed I'd see Olivia Gordon Logan in this state."
When I was naked Samuel stood away from me for a moment and then he knelt down and leaned over to kiss my breasts and move his lips gently down my stomach. I remember thinking this could have been my and Nelson's wedding night, and if it had been, this was very much how I would feel.
Yes, I thought when Samuel touched me in my most private places and brought his lips to every sensitive and soft part of my body, take me as I've never been taken before. Let me throw all caution out the window and be as reckless and as wild as Belinda.
My submissive manner aroused Samuel as he had never been aroused with me up until this moment. That night I felt he ravished me. As he would say, we made love until we were both exhausted. For the first time since our marriage, Samuel fell asleep beside me in my bed and was there when I awoke in the morning.
I rose with a start when my eyes opened and found him snuggled beside me.
"What are you doing?" I cried and sat up.
"What?"
"Why didn't you go to sleep in your own bed?"
"What?"
"Stop saying what," I snapped. I ran my hand through my hair, trying to remember things. Had I made a fool of myself at the wedding? How much of our lovemaking last night was dreamed and how much actually happened? My head felt as if there were steel balls rolling around inside, clinking against each other, each knock like thunder. I moaned, hating myself for permitting this to happen.
Samuel rose, stretched and yawned.
"You were something last night, Olivia," he said.
"Stop it."
"Stop it? You were. I had to take you home, you know.
Don't worry. No one was angry about it. Nelson was amused, matter of fact."
"Oh was he? I'm glad everyone had a good laugh at my expense," I said.
I marched into the bathroom and took a shower as cold as I could stand it. When I emerged, Samuel had returned to his room and was already asleep in his own bed. I closed the adjoining door and sat at my vanity table, gazing at my unmade bed, the sheets rumpled, the blanket twisted from a night of frenzied passion.
I enjoyed it, I admitted to myself, but only because I had fantasized another man beside me.
It would always be this way, I thought, and felt the hot tears come into my eyes.
Love is cruel, I decided. The pain it brings outweighs the happiness. I'd rather be incapable of love. That way, I would be safe and no one, no man could ever hurt me.
In the days that followed, there was some talk about my behavior at the wedding, but nothing compared to the gossip that continued to build around Belinda's actions in and around Provincetown. Twice, I was called by the Provincetown police because she had drunk too much at an area pub and caused a scene when the proprietors refused to serve her and her friends any more beer. Once, I had to go to the police station and get her. She claimed it was always someone else's fault or else she was being picked on because her father was a wealthy man.
I tried to shield Daddy from some of it, but after a while, I thought it might be better if he knew more. It might make him take a firmer hand with her. We had the same conversation so often, I could have recorded it and simply played it back.
"If you don't send her to a school or find her something substantial to do, Daddy, she's just going to get into more and more trouble. Don't give her any allowance."
"I'll do something," he promised. "I'll make some calls, see if I can get her into a good school."
Maybe he did make one or two calls, but if he didn't succeed on the first or second try, he would put it aside, and if he did find something that might work, Belinda threw one of her tantrums and turned it down. She was always promising him she would improve or find something or someone. For a few months, she was going with the son of one of the more successful restaurant owners in Provincetown and it looked like they might get serious enough to plan marriage, but just like the other times, Belinda grew bored with him and betrayed him openly. He broke up with her and hopes for a stable relationship went with him.
I wanted to do something more, take firmer action myself, but Daddy's energy and interest in our business continued to dwindle. He did his own drinking every night to put himself to sleep and he continued to take less and less care of himself. I found myself taking on more responsibility and having less time to spend on myself and my family.
My handyman and driver Raymond found a friend to replace Jerome for Daddy, and I located another maid and cook to replace Carmelita, but that maid had words with Belinda and quit and I had to find another. I was going at so rapid a pace these days that I didn't stop to think about myself much until one morning I woke and almost immediately became nauseous and vomited. Samuel heard the commotion and knocked on my door.
"Are you all right, Olivia?"
I caught my breath and sat on the edge of the tub, thinking.
"Olivia?"
"Yes, yes," I said. "I'm fine, Samuel."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," I said, but a cold fear came over me. I was always so irregular, I never thought about my not getting my period and I had been so busy lately, that I lost track of the days and weeks. This wasn't just irregularity, I thought. It had been too long even for that.
Without Samuel's knowledge, I made an appointment with Doctor Covington and had an examination. He gave me a test and called a few days later to confirm the diagnosis.
"Congratulations, Olivia. You are pregnant," he announced with fanfare in his voice.
The word hit me like a pail of ice water. Ever since that morning when I had opened the door to Belinda's room and saw the secret fetus curled on the floor, pregnancy and babies were dark and mysterious things to me. What would my birthing be like?
I didn't tell Samuel immediately. It was as if by keeping it a secret from him, I could keep it from being true. And then there was the strange dream I had the night the doctor had called to tell me the news. I dreamed the baby that was born looked so much like Nelson, Samuel believed Nelson and I had been together. I had fantasized so strongly when he and I had made love that my body put Nelson's features into the baby and not Samuel's. It was a silly dream, but it frightened me. Later, when my baby was born and he looked more like Samuel than he looked like me, those wild thoughts would seem even more ridiculous.
The morning after Doctor Covington had called, I finally announced the news to Samuel at breakfast.
"It seems the problems I've been having these last few mornings relate to my condition, Samuel," I began.
"Condition? What condition?"
"Doctor Covington tells me I'm pregnant."
"No? Pregnant? That's wonderful," he cried jumping to his feet. "How many months?"
"A little over three," I replied dryly.
He slapped his hands together.
"We'll have to tell my father, your father. We'll have to make plans for the nursery. Preparations! Preparations! We'll have to think about how you'll cut back on work and plan duties I should start to assume and . ."
"We will not," I declared. "I will not be cutting back on my work."
"But . . . you're having a baby and I
just assumed . . ."
"Don't assume anything. Having a baby isn't like having a deadly disease, is it? Well, is it?"
"No, but your father and I, we thought, we always expected that you would want to diminish your responsibilities and turn more of the day to day business over to me as soon as the prospect of a family loomed over us."
"That's not going to happen, Samuel," I said fixing my gaze on him so intently, he had to look away. "I've built this business alongside my father and since my mother's death, as you know, I've had to take on more and more of the responsibility, but I've improved our positions everywhere and I'm not about to see any of it lost just because I happen to be pregnant."
"I won't do anything to lose our business, Olivia," he said with pained indignity. "I've done my share of bringing us new clients. Why . ."
"Just continue to do what you're doing then," I said charitably. "AndI'll do the same. They'll be a short period when reduce my workload, but we'll have a nanny and I'll keep up with everything. I won't have a family any other way," I insisted. He could see from my expression that there wasn't room for any sort of compromise when it came to this.
"Fine," he agreed, sitting again. He looked like a boat that had lost wind from its sails. "Whatever you think is best, of course." He fingered his coffee cup. "This is . . . wonderful news. My father will be pleased and so will yours. How are you feeling?" he suddenly thought to ask. "Does the doctor say everything is all right?"
"Everything is."
"Good, good. I wonder if we'll have a son, another fisherman, eh? Well," he added, the smile returning to his face like a dying spark that had been fanned back into a small flame. "I'll be walking about with my chest out today."
"Don't make too much of it, Samuel. I don't want a lot of nosy people sticking their faces in my business."
"Don't make too much of having a baby? You can't make too much of it. It's . . . why we're here, Olivia. You always tell me that, tell me it's something your father taught you . . . family, right?"