In the back of my mind I knew we shouldn’t be standing here discussing this. Yeah, it was nighttime and we weren’t exactly loitering in a well-lit area, but we were too exposed for two people wanted for various reasons. But my survival instinct was overwritten by the fact that Ash had obviously lost her goddamned mind. “Are you insane?”
I could just make out the narrowing of her eyes and the twist of her lips. “I don’t matter, though, remember? I have nothing. No one. Who’ll miss me?”
I opened my mouth, then slammed it shut. No matter what I said here I was screwed. If I said good point, then I was a heartless bastard willing to sacrifice an innocent girl to save his friends—and a liar. If I spoke the truth, that I would rather hack each of my toes off with a machete then tap dance through a vat of salt before letting her hand herself over to those bastards, then I was insane. One of those freaks who believed in love at first sight. Which I wasn’t. I was…what the hell was I?
Obsessed. Obsessed and feeling guilty for acting like an ass. As usual.
Instead I settled for a neutral response. “If you do that, best case scenario, they lock you in the basement along with their failed experiments. Worst care—or best depending on how you wanna look at it—they kill you.”
“And I ask again, why does it matter?”
“It doesn’t.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
She was testing me. Christ. A little over twenty-four hours and she already knew how to push my buttons and make me crazy. Never in my life had any girl—any person—gotten under my skin like this.
“I just think it’s a stupid idea.” Yeah. Great response. Very convincing. This was the best I could do? The guy with the genius level IQ, MCAT scores the highest our state had ever seen, couldn’t just tell this girl he had a thing for her?
“Look.” She glanced around, then stepped off the sidewalk into the shadows, pulling me with her. I could no longer make out the specifics of her features, but I had them memorized. Every line of her face, each curve of her body. The way her right eyebrow sat just a fraction of an inch higher than the left, and how she gnawed on her bottom lip when thinking too hard. “You were right, okay?”
My resolve crumbled a little. I grabbed her arms and gave a slight shake. “I’m right about a lot of things, but that wasn’t one of them.” I snorted. “You aren’t one of them. Seems like with you, I’m always saying the wrong thing.” The scent of mint filled my nose, intoxicating and distracting. I found myself leaning closer. “I’m always doing the wrong things…”
She leaned in, too, and I could feel the heat of her breath as her lips lingered, just shy of touching mine. My heart kicked up and every nerve ending lit like the Fourth of July. But the ember never caught fire. Instead of delivering another mind-blowing kiss, she pulled away. “I have nothing,” she said, her voice just barely a whisper. “Even if we manage to clear my name and wipe my listed status away, I’ll still have nothing. I will always be a Bottom Tier citizen. Noah was all I had here. He was my lifeline and now he’s gone. I think I confused things for a second. I felt this insane pull toward him and even though in the deepest parts of my heart and soul I never felt that way about him, I kissed him. I made a mistake and will never have a chance to explain myself. To fix things. But at least I understand. I talked to Kori and I get it now.”
“Get it?”
She stepped back into the moonlight and gestured between us as she started to walk. “All the versions of us have this crazy connection. He wasn’t in love with me—I was never in love with him—but it’s like we couldn’t help ourselves. That’s why he was so vehemently against anything ever happening between us. We were drawn to each other—like we are. But you didn’t have an Ashlyn where you come from, and I had a Noah. He might not have been my perfect Noah, but he was all I got and for as long as I live, I will be thankful for him. Your perfect Ash might be out there somewhere. If you don’t let me help you get your friends back, you’ll never have the chance to find her.”
The part of me that’d watched his sister die over and over again agreed with her. He was logical. He knew the score. Then there was the other part. The guy whose icy heart cracked just a little every time she looked at him. The person who grew ravenous at the thought of just one more kiss.
“What’s to say you aren’t her?” There. I’d said it. Out loud, even. “How do you know that you aren’t the right Ashlyn?”
She laughed, a soft sound so full of pain. I knew that tone. The forced amusement mustered up to mask the dead parts inside. “Me? Be serious, Noah. We can’t occupy the same space for more than ten minutes without bickering.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
She snorted. “I wouldn’t classify it as a good thing.”
“I would. See, we’ve proven that there’s an attraction between us.” I reached out and ran the tip of my thumb across her bottom lip. The warm, smooth skin was inviting, just begging for a taste, but I revisited. I had a point here and was determined to make it. “I’ve seen it before. I’ve met you before. It’s always there. It’s always been the only thing that’s there.”
“So?”
“So?” I repeated. “So this time it’s not the only thing. You drive me absolutely insane.”
“Thanks. The feeling is—”
“That’s my point. I’m an asshole. I don’t normally give a shit about other people. What they say, what they do—no one affects me. No one until I landed here and met you.”
“So you’re, what? Professing your eternal love for me? You think we were destined to be together?”
“I told you, I don’t believe in that crap. I don’t love you—I don’t know you. What I’m saying is that I feel something for you. I want to get to know you.”
She thought about it for a minute. “Before Dylan showed up, you were apologizing for something…”
“I was.” Would she understand? Did I still have the guts to come clean? Was there even a need to come clean? I technically hadn’t done anything wrong. Despite my fucked-up motives, everything I’d done had been with eager consent. “You have to understand something about me. When I saw us, together and happy, I felt, I dunno, hopeful? Like maybe one day I’d get my chance.”
“Okay…”
“And that wasn’t okay for a whole slew of reasons that I’m not even going to go into. I decided to prove to myself that the thing between us was nothing more than chemical. Flimsy attraction that went no deeper than a scratch on the surface. I slept with you to prove to myself I could walk away.”
“You slept with me,” she repeated.
“Four times.”
“Four—why are you even telling me this?”
“Does it bother you?” It did. The not-so-subtle rise in her tone gave it away.
“A little,” she admitted. “Which doesn’t even make sense.”
“I am sorry, Ash. What I did wasn’t exactly the same as what the Andersons did to you. I think it was worse in some ways, though. They paraded you around to make themselves look better. I used you to essentially punish myself, and in the process, hurt—”
Her expression clouded over. “Them? Did you promise them forever? Did you swear to call?”
“Never. I made sure they understood it was nothing more than two people—”
“Then why apologize to me?”
“You said it bothered you.”
“It does, but not for the reasons you’re thinking. I get it, Noah. Of all the people out there, and as screwed up as it all is, I get it. I mean, I kind of did the same thing. There were guys… Not you, but Freddy… Sure, they were using me, but I was using them, too. They were a way to feel something other than loneliness.”
“It is not the same thing.”
She shrugged. “Maybe not exactly, but I get it. And since you share a lot of the same traits as my Noah, then I’m going to assume that I share traits with those other Ashlyns. If they’re like me, they weren’t hurt. They understood. You were tryin
g to get through to the other side.”
“Maybe.” I bristled and squared my shoulders, suddenly uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken. I’d never been the discuss your feelings kind of guy. “Anyway, the reason I told you was because I’m not wanting to walk away this time. I don’t know exactly what I want, but I’m not feeling the need to bail.”
“This has to be one of the most surreal conversations I’ve ever had.” She ran her hands through her hair and sighed.
I had no idea what to say, so I settled for something general—and safe. “Let’s just think about things. Maybe we can come up with an alternative to, you know, just walking into the lion’s den and giving up. Wait until morning to do anything stupid. Agreed?” I held out my hand to her.
She hesitated, but after a moment, took it and offered a small smile. “Agreed.”
Chapter Eighteen
Ash
My life had a rocky start. I didn’t remember my parents. Sometimes, as a child in my bedroom at the Andersons’, I would swear I heard voices whispering in my ear, my parents showing me that they were still here. Guardian angels looking over me from wherever it was they were. Some days it was the only thing that made my life tolerable.
Other days, it was Noah.
I hadn’t loved him. Not in the way a girl hopes to fall in love with a guy. I loved him as a sense of comfort and home and safety. He was the embodiment of everything I’d been missing, of the things I’d never had. Connection, love, family… I fooled myself into thinking he could be those things for me. But not long before his death, I woke up. I realized that only I could be those things for me.
This new Noah was so different. Rough compared to the smooth demeanor mine had. He was refreshingly abrasive where my best friend had been plastically polite. He was warm in ways that my Noah never had been, and like ice in areas that mine had been fiery. The same person, yet someone else entirely.
So why was I standing on the corner, a block away from the Infinity Division, ready—if not eager—to throw my life away? Because he was an entirely different Noah. This new Noah was the polar opposite. He kept telling me what a bastard he was, yet everything he’d done had proven the reverse. I felt something for him. I had no idea what it was. Slapping a label on something so new, so alien, was impossible. What I did know, though, was that he was right. It was more than attraction. I could see the light where previously I’d only seen dark. If I could do something that would help him? Then it went without saying that I would.
I’d called Cora once I was far enough away from the abandoned house. Cade and Kori for me. That was the deal. Was there a chance she’d double cross me? Possibly, though I doubted it. She didn’t need them, but she needed me. I would never stop. Until my last breath, I would work to prove her evil. I would stop at nothing to take her company down. I was a loose end she needed to tie up fast.
The agreement was to meet in the first-level parking garage on the Infinity complex. I headed up the last stretch of sidewalk and pulled the sleeves of my hoodie down over my fingers to stave off the chill. I tilted my head up and took a good long look at the sky. I didn’t know when—if ever—I’d see it again.
When I arrived at the gate, I found it open, an almost eerie invitation that had never before been extended to me. It was still early and the lot was mostly empty. Well, empty except for the black limo on the far side. I took a deep breath and started forward. When I was almost to the car, the back door on the passenger’s side opened.
“I was skeptical that you’d actually show,” Cora said. She motioned to someone inside the car, and a few moments later, Kori appeared, followed by Cade. Both seemed relatively unharmed with their hands bound behind their backs. “I despise everything about you, but I commend your valor.”
“Just what I always wanted.” I rolled my eyes. “Your approval.”
“Where’s Noah?” Cade’s gaze was heavy and I had to look away. “I can’t imagine him letting you do this.”
“He doesn’t know.” Kori shook her head. There was sadness in her eyes, but also understanding. It was that look that made me realize she and I were a lot alike. In my position, I had a feeling she would have made the same choice. “She didn’t tell him.”
“How very romantic,” Cora snapped. “So you’ve seduced the skip as well? I suppose any version of my son will suffice?”
“It’s not like that.” Defending my actions was pointless and would change nothing, but I couldn’t help it. “I’m just doing what’s right for everyone.”
Cora gave Cade a push forward, but held tight to Kori’s arm. She quirked her finger at me and I started forward as Cade crossed the lot. “I want you out of here by nightfall,” she warned him.
“Don’t worry,” Kori said. Her eyes were narrow and her posture stiff. Cora was still holding her arm. “You are the worst possible version of Cora Anderson I could imagine. The faster we leave, the sooner I can forget you exist.”
“Oh, my dear, sweet Kori…” Cora gave her a look of mock pity. “I’ve met multiple versions of myself—and of you.” She leaned in a little closer and winked. “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”
Kori’s eyes widened, and I realized she hadn’t told Cora who she was.
Cora laughed. “Did you really think I didn’t recognize my own child? Male or female, I would know you anywhere.”
“Then why let us go? I mean, you’ve got the entire planet out looking for Noah—”
“You aren’t—weren’t—on the same level with my Noah. I imagine you are just like my other son. Worthless, spineless, and wholly disappointing in a way I find hard to fathom.” Her lips twisted into an ugly scowl and her fingers, still wrapped around Kori’s upper arm, tightened to a point that made Kori cringe. “Your version of my Noah is vile and crude and I will not have him walking around here to sully my son’s memory. Besides…” She smiled. “I’m not letting you go.”
“We had a deal,” I shouted, while at the same time, Cade let out a snarl and started back toward them.
He made it halfway across the lot before Cora pulled Kori against her and grabbed her by the neck. Fingers digging into her flesh, she said, “Please stop where you are, Mr. Granger.”
Cade stopped so suddenly that he almost tripped. He glared like he wanted to rip her to shreds, but didn’t move another step.
“Yes, I know who you are, as well. Did you honestly think I’d created a device that allowed travel to other dimensions and not used it myself?” She snorted and waggled a finger between us. “I’ve seen dozens of variations of this little group dynamic—always sad and pathetic and, quite frankly, annoyingly tragic. I would assume Dylan is here as well? Looking for that silly Fielding girl? Following her? It’s the same song played out in slightly different chords. You and Kori and Ashlyn and Noah. I suppose in some ways I find it utterly fascinating.” She let out a small laugh. “It’s made for some…interesting…times. Now, if you don’t mind, I have things to do.”
And with that, two men exited the car, positioning themselves on either side of me. With a snap of Cora’s fingers, I was stuffed into the backseat of the limo while Kori was crammed in on the other side. From out my window I saw Cade, standing a few yards from the car. He hadn’t moved a single step, staring with the barely contained fury of a man teetering on the edge.
“Now…” Cora slipped in and took the seat across from me as the driver closed the door. She smiled as the car jerked into motion and acid bubbled up in the pit of my stomach.
I knew that look. Had seen it a thousand times over the years. Cora wasn’t going to kill me. That’d be too easy. She was going to make me pay. Over and over. For that kiss with Noah, for trying to take her down—for simply existing. I was in for a world of hurt and I knew it.
She folded her hands neatly in her lap and crossed her legs at the ankles. A truly deceptive picture of beauty and grace. “I think it’s time we had a nice, long chat. Don’t you?”
Chapter Nineteen
Noah
I hadn’t realized how tired I was until I leaned back and closed my eyes. I must have dropped off immediately, because I’d intended to talk to Ash about that stupid decision of hers before it was too late.
Swiping the crust from my eyes, I sat up. We’d gotten used to sleeping in weird places over the last year. Out in the grass, on rocks and hard floors—once we’d even camped out in a trench in the middle of a war zone. The United States was at war with Canada and Wells—of all places—was ground zero.
My back had adjusted and I was able to move with little to no kinks. Using the edge of the ruined couch, I dragged myself up and scanned the room. There was no sign of her and a knot of worry formed in my gut. “Ash?”
No answer.
Fine. Okay. There was no reason to freak, right? It was a big house. She could be anywhere. The bathroom, or maybe scrounging for something to eat? I checked the kitchen, the bathroom—which, considering the state of the rest of the house, had been a mistake—the rooms upstairs. Hell, I even checked the closet. She wasn’t here. I poked my head out the back door. A small, overgrown lawn with a rusting swing set and rotted wooden table were all I saw.
I gave up and made my way back down to the living room, passing the other end of the couch on my way in. That’s when I saw it. A small slip of dirty white paper propped up against one of the torn cushions. I wanted to kick my own ass all the way to the moon.
I unfolded it, already knowing what it would say.
I went to meet Cora. Cade and Kori should contact you soon. This is what’s best for everyone.
Then, at the bottom, in scrunched writing—the slip of paper was small—there was more.
You were a better, brighter version of him. He made me laugh, but you...you made me smile. Please, for me, find your Ashlyn. Let yourself be happy.