“Ahhhhhhh,” he says and clicks off the T.V. “Have a seat, boys.” He extends his hand toward a long couch.
We all take our seats. I should add it’s a comfy couch, too, and in that moment I think maybe we’re not going to die. Chester seems to relax a bit as well and scoots around, finding the ‘right’ spot. By now I know for sure we aren’t going to be killed. I’ve seen Dexter. There’s not a shred of plastic sheeting in sight.
Charlie walks over and whispers something in Tony’s ear. This makes the current feeling of comfort I have fade quickly.
Tony smiles, then looks at us again and pulls the cigar away from his mouth. “So I hear you boys brought me back a little somethin’ extra. Dis is good. Dis is real good.”
“I wasn’t sure what we should do with it,” I say. “Plus, a little of the money was missing, and we figured maybe returning it would make up for that.”
“Yeah. Dis is real good,” Tony says again, and his eyes seem to sparkle, perhaps counting the windfall in his favor at the moment. He licks the side of his cigar and sticks it back in his mouth. Then his face turns serious. “So where is he?”
“Who?” I ask, puzzled. I’m truly unsure who he means. Sam? Kline? Or God forbid he knows about Reed. My guts percolate loudly.
“That little weasel, Sam. I would like to find him … maybe have a little chat with him so to speak. If you know what I mean?” He waves his arms around, cigar smoke rising into the air.
I have a definite feeling what kind of conversation he’s talking about. One resulting in a necktie, maybe.
“If I’m being honest –” I say, but he cuts me short.
“Please … do be honest.”
I swallow hard. My Adam’s Apple goes down and shoots back up so fast it nearly gives my chin an uppercut.
“We don’t know where he is.” I try to focus on something absolutely true with regards to Sam. I think about where he really might be. He could be back at the station by now, in lockup. He could be lying dead in a cell, having hung himself. He could be taking a crap in the communal restroom. He could be resting easy in his bunk. So in truth, I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.
And thankfully, Tony seems to buy it. Thanks so much, half-truth.
“Alright. Looks like we are done here.” Tony gives Charlie a look and nods.
That’s when Chester freaks. “Oh my God – they’re gonna kill us, I know it!”
For a moment I, too, am convinced that right then and there we’re going to be toast. I’m pulled into such a state of terror that my guts roil like they’re full of live piranhas in a frenzy, ripping into fresh meat. My stomach rises into my throat and I almost shit out my spinal column.
The expression on Tony’s face changes to puzzlement. “No, we aren’t going to kill you.”
“You hear that, Ellis? They’re not gonna kill us. They’re gonna rape us or something, man. I can’t go out like this. I’m still a virgin!”
All of us within the spacious room are frozen in shock from Chester’s full disclosure. Even Tony seems a little awestruck.
Taylor turns his head to look at Chester. “What? How? What about that Tonya chick?”
“Man, that was just my imaginary friend from when I was a kid.”
“Wasn’t there another one named Julie or Jules?” I ask.
Chester scratches his nose. “Never rounded first base.”
“Kim?” Taylor asks.
“I don’t think I even made it out of the batter’s box,” Chester says.
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “What about Megan? Wendy? Or Becca?”
“Got stuck in the dugout on all three.”
Taylor says, “Veronica? Come on, she was all over you at that Fourth of July party.”
“That one, I could have. But she had that stroke face. I couldn’t do it, man. You have to have standards.” Chester looks at us like we’re the dumb ones.
My first thought is that now it all makes sense. My next one is shock that Chester even knows that much baseball terminology, given that he hates the sport. This announcement is almost as embarrassing as his confession three years ago that he liked the Pauley Shore movie Biodome. But only almost.
“Hey! Hey! Hey!” Tony yells, and I come out of my stupor. “Listen. As funny and as sad as it is to hear the woes of your friend. Please. Get the fuck off my boat.”
We all pull out of our daze and stand up. Charlie begins escorting us out.
Chester stops and looks at Tony. “Thanks for not raping and killing us by the way.”
I punch Chester hard on the shoulder and give him a stare that equates to: ‘shut your fat stinking mouth’. He covers the spot I’d just hit and gives me a dejected look. “Ow.”
“Sheesh,” Tony says. “It seems like you’re good boys. But for the love of Mary, please stay in school.”
I hear the television return to life as we’re lead back down the steps to the boat waiting for us. Then it’s back to the mainland, and finally we’re homeward bound and free at last. Oh thank God, we’re free at last.
36 The Signal
They drop us off on a dirt path and tell us to keep walking west and we’ll eventually come to a road. That road will take us back to the foundry. It doesn’t take long before we get there.
Taylor allows me to drive again, and we head back toward Elizabeth City. I call Reed on the way and tell him to meet us somewhere. He’s getting a room at a local hotel called The Cozy Clam and gives us the room number.
When we arrive, we explain everything that happened. The trip through the woods. The boat ride into open water. The Yacht. Tony. And of course Chester’s intact virginity.
Reed also gives us a quick rundown. He was unable to track the Range Rovers through the woods. It was too dark to navigate while driving and to turn on the headlights could have meant death for all of us. I’m grateful he chose not to sacrifice us. Then he goes on to say that by the time he found where the boat picked us up, it was too late to get any support by the river. Although he contacted the Coast Guard, it would have been pretty much hopeless for them to find one little boat quickly, especially at night.
Finally, he tells us what the final verdict is. “Looks like Tony is going to get away from us. We have no idea where his boat is by now, so we’ll just have to wait it out. I’ll phone it all in to my boss later, but I think he’ll understand.”
A stupid look suddenly flashes across Chester’s face. “Oh snappers.” His hands feel all over his pants and jacket pockets. “Where’s my phone?”
We’re all clueless, and the expressions on our faces say as much. We hadn’t seen it anywhere.
“Oh crap, fellas. I think it must’ve fallen out in that comfy-ass couch. Damn, I’ll have to get another one.”
My eyes light up. I glance at Reed, who isn’t too concerned with a missing phone, then I stare straight at Chester. “Dude. You’re a genius!”
“I am?”
“Reed,” I say, and he looks at me. “You need to trace Chester’s phone. Right now.”
37 Dunzo
We weren’t present for all the technical crap that went down – or even close to the squad that pulled Tony from the ocean – but we did get most of the details.
Reed was able to get that trace going, and they used some type of fancy military-grade equipment to pinpoint Tony’s yacht heading up the coast of Virginia. After that, the Coast Guard and police helicopters surrounded the vessel and took everyone into custody.
When Chester has his phone back in his chubby grasp he yells with delight. Gripping the phone in a tight fist, he shakes it over his head in triumph and says, “Having that app on my phone was the best financial decision I ever made.”
My eyelids flicker. “It was a free app.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s why it was a good investment.”
“But for something to be a good investment there needs to be a good return on that investment.”
“Hellooooo – I got my phone returned. Gee
z, this guy.” Chester tilts his head in my direction.
I cock my own head in thought. “I guess so. Huh.” Chester is starting to make sense, and I find that a bit scary.
Like a strange omen, Chester’s phone vibrates. He pulls it out, a smile lighting up his face. “It looks like another one, fellas.”
He taps the speaker icon. A timid voice rings out, “Uh … hello. This is Alexzander. Is … Zelda there?”
Chester’s face goes slack, the smile fades, and that’s when I can see in his eyes that he knows I know he knows it’s been me all this time. Yet in that instant, we all begin laughing out loud together.
38 Epilogue
So as you can see I made it out alive after all. Was there ever any doubt? I mean, I am pretty awesome. Time has flown by and I’ve knocked out a couple more years of college and the 2016 summer break is upon us. I was able to upgrade to a new car, but still kept the Datsun. I’ve really grown to appreciate the vehicle despite how much trouble it has caused me. I’ve done most of the repairs myself, with some help from a really good friend. Remember Henry Gomez? Of course you don’t. I had a feeling you wouldn’t remember.* (Or maybe you’ve surprised me and are the small percentage that does recollect!) Oh, and in case you’re the guy or gal who might have skipped Chapter 7 when I gave you permission to pass on the backstory, Henry was mentioned there. So if you’re still feeling left out, I’ll disclose now that he was my third childhood friend. If you want more info, I would suggest you go back to that chapter and catch up.
Well, Henry has chosen a new outlet in life, and after being honorably discharged, he moved back to town. He builds custom motorcycles and also does amazing work on cars.
Let’s see, what else have you missed? Liz. Right! So you know the expression that ‘time heals all wounds’? Just a quick heads up: it’s not true. My cousin’s uncle lost a leg in an accident six years ago, and it’s still missing. But in the case of Liz, she eventually forgave me, and once I cleared the air with all the details we finally caught that snowboarding documentary together. Even went up to West Virginia during the winter season and hit the slopes at the Snowshoe Resort. Turns out I really like her, and she digs me a fair bit too. Also, I found out she would have totally understood my Princess Bride movie reference. She admitted it was cute and said she might have forgiven me on the spot. Well, you can’t go back in time, and I’m happy where I am now.
Taylor is on his third year at the internship, and he may end up getting a job practicing at J. B. Wilcox & Sons after he finishes his degree. Also, with a little help from the law firm I was able to get that whole identity theft crisis mumbo jumbo to disappear and it no longer haunts my dreams and credit report. As far as that receptionist girl from New York: he visited her once, but nothing ever came to fruition. Currently he’s still single and breaking hearts on campus when he has the time. Which is most of the time.
That leaves Chester. He has trimmed down to 258 lbs currently, which is 4 lbs less than he weighed last year. And would you believe he’s become something of a pro in the video game world? Although still chunky, his hands move at the speed of light on a PlayStation 4 controller. He entered a tournament shortly after the release of Mortal Kombat X, won second place, and got to meet Ed Boon.* (He’s pretty much the masterminded genius at Netherealm Studios.) Chester has also been hired on as a game tester for Boss Key Productions and works closely with Cliff Bleszinski, also known as ‘Cliffy B’, the creator of the Gears of War franchise. Also, as a sidebar, Cliff co-owns the Raleigh Beer Garden; it’s a great place to hang out and offers an amazingly large selection of tasty brews. You should probably check it out.
So in bigger news, that whole fiasco with Tony did something to Chester. It boosted his confidence, self-esteem, or made him stand taller, in a sense. This byproduct caused at least one girl, Lucy Davis, to find him engaging enough to … okay, they had sex. Moving on.
From the rumor mill, I heard that Reed eventually married the Hotty detective last August, and a kiddo is on the way.
We can’t say for sure, but Sam was said to be living large in Seattle.
As for Tony, he is serving time and has another forty-five years on his plate. Kline is at the same prison, but on D Block. I check the obituaries every day, wondering if he’ll ever get that shiv he so strongly deserves.
So here I am enjoying the quiet, tranquil bliss of The Nayara Hotel Spa and Gardens in the Costa Rican rainforest. My nose is stuffed into my Kindle as I lay back in my hammock, reading a book called And the Tide Turns.* (It’s absolutely fantastic; Liz recommended it, and I urge you to pick it up. Currently on Amazon.) I’m about to finish it, having not been able to set it down since I started reading last night. I love this guy’s writing style, and I may even hit him up to adapt my own story into a book. Who knows?
I look over at Liz, who’s three feet away from me, stretched out in a similar hammock. Her skin has goldened to perfection in the Latin American sun during our stay, and I can see the slight rise and fall of her chest as she dozes in complete relaxation. I hope it’s a good dream.* (And I’d better be in it.)
I can see the Arenal Volcano in the distance, a slow, steady black cloud rising from the top. I’m lost in my thoughts again; it’s easy for me to do that. I guess at the end of the day I realize a few things. One: Life can be unpredictable, but you can’t throw in the towel just because it’s easier. Two: Your best friends can get you into trouble, but they can also be the ones that help you out of it when you need them most, even if that road to recovery is sometimes more dangerous. And Three: My name is Ellis DeAngelo, and I’m a lucky son of a bitch. And I’m alright with that.
THE END
AUTHOR’S NOTE
A few things to consider while reading this novel. I wrote this to be a light-hearted comedy, and in the frame of mind of my main protagonist Ellis DeAngelo. Although by some mishap I personally believe Chester somehow stole the show. He’s always doing things like that. So, keeping story progression in the mindset of Ellis, there are many (intentional) common mistakes in spelling, grammar, syntax, and numerical symbols, etc. This is to present the events of this novel from his mental state and perspective. It felt more playful and realistic to make these changes.
Secondly, you may be wondering, so I will indulge you with the answer: no, Ellis’s car does not truly exist in the literal sense. Was it the S.U.X. part that gave it away? If you ever so cleverly figured that out, I award you four and a half gold stars. The Datsun within these pages is an amalgam, or a blending if you will, of the many cars I have known during my lifetime.
Next. The hockey game mentioned in this book never happened in the non-fictional regard. I took certain liberties and paid off high members of the NHL hierarchy to stage and create a theoretical matchup of both the team from the state in which I was born and the team from the state in which I currently reside. If you don’t like that I took those liberties, please let me know and I will gladly take your name down and kill you in all the glorious fashion I can muster … figuratively that is, in my next upcoming novel, Crying Out in Vengeance. It will be bad. Like, super terrible bad. Your family won’t even want to associate with you.
Speaking of my upcoming third novel, I’m so glad you asked about it. Well, it features an entirely new protagonist, Michael St. John, a detective who has a unique perspective solving crimes in the Los Angeles area. I look forward to everyone meeting him.
Okay, now that I finished that little plug – or should I say free advertising – back to the liberties I took in the book you just finished. Aside from the fictitious hockey game, everything else totally one hundred percent happened.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I would like to thank everyone who has been supportive of my writing ventures: my parents, Kathy and Stanley Dalton, and my siblings, Cyneva Dalton-Vazquez and Matthew Dalton. I also want to give a special thanks to my wife, Maricela, who always inspires and encourages me to do the things I love. And I’d like to toss out a word of appreciation
to Rudy Murillo, James Branagan, and Steven Moreno, my fellow co-workers who go through the grueling task of dealing with me on a daily basis. They are all awesome guys, have great spirits, and I feel blessed to count them as friends.
As with my last novel, I need to thank the individuals who read the early edition of this book and gave vital feedback: Kathy Dalton, Rudy Murillo, Stephen Moreno, Lori Davis Craig, Elena Lerner, Richard Cruz, and William Hendricks.
To Jeff Hays, I would like to extend my personal thanks for his performance of a rather stunning audiobook.
And a very special thanks to my sister, Cyneva. Without her, my books would not be in publication yet. Her ability to be a Jack-of-all-trades – or whatever the female version of that would be – has been integral to this process. She has served as Editor-in-chief, runner of my social media sites, file-formatting queen, and technical wizard uploader. Thank you, gracias, merci, danke, grazie, and however you say ‘thank you’ in Chinese (谢谢).
Lastly, I’d like to thank my best friend Jasson (not a typo – that’s right: two S’s) Wilcox, who read a rather lengthy text message from me which chronicled the first two chapters of this novel. It was written merely for comedic purposes, but it was his response that tossed fuel on the fire: “Write a book about this. Make it happen.” Thanks, bud, for giving that seed the water it needed to grow.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Timothy Dalton lives in Valencia, California with his beautiful wife (Maricela), his son (Hudson), and sweet dog (Loki). He spends his days working full time, adoring his mistress … I mean wife, enjoying quality time with his nephews and wishing that the East coast wasn’t so far away from his parents, sister, brother, and other nephews and niece.