“No, it’s not.” She paused. “That’s why I said it was okay for you to get to know her. You have no idea what you’ve missed.”
“Yes, I do.” He paused. “But you could tell me a little. When did you find out that Frankie wasn’t a usual kid?”
“I don’t know. When she was three, probably. That’s when she discovered the old piano in Charlie’s living room. Even when she was younger, she’d seem to be listening to something we couldn’t hear. But then she found out that what was inside her could come out. Charlie and I were dumbfounded. We didn’t know what to do. Then I decided that what wasn’t natural for other people was perfectly natural for Frankie, and I had to accept it and keep her happy and comfortable with it.”
“You did a good job.”
“I tried. I hope I did.”
He didn’t speak for a moment. “She worries about you. She thinks you’re lonely.”
She stiffened. “She told you that?”
He chuckled. “I think she’s looking for a mommy-sitter while she works on her music. She assured me that it wouldn’t be a full-time job.”
“Oh, you’re elected?”
“I was honored she thought of me. I was surprised she didn’t choose Blockman. I guess she thought he was too busy. And everyone knows I just stand around and give orders.” He held up his hand as she opened her mouth to speak. “I know. You don’t have to say anything. I realize you don’t think I’d qualify.”
“I don’t need you. I can take care of my own life. And you’ve made it clear that you don’t want the responsibility.”
“The hell I have. You haven’t been listening lately.” His gaze narrowed on her face. “Or you haven’t wanted to hear. I can’t blame you, but don’t give me that bullshit. I’m back on the scene and willing to take all the responsibility you’ll let me take.” He added roughly, “And the reason I don’t stay in there when Frankie begins to play is that I can’t keep my eyes off you. You say that Frankie notices things. Do you want her to notice that I want to drag her mother into bed? I don’t think she’s ready for that degree of education yet, do you?”
“No, of course not. Frankie wouldn’t realize that—”
“Not at first. But you’d better realize that she’s going to notice eventually anyway. I can’t keep it under wraps, and you’re not much better. Not as long as we’re both aching to— Why the hell don’t you just let me—” He drew a deep breath. “I wasn’t going to say that. It just came out.” He started down the steps. “I think I’ll go down to the bunkhouse before I really put my foot into it.” He glanced back over his shoulder. “But it’s true, and it’s time we did something about it. We’d both be a helluva lot calmer and better able to function if we didn’t have to deal with this.” He paused. “I’m going to be in the barn tomorrow afternoon at three.”
She stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I know you won’t want to let me have you here at the house. Not with Frankie around.” His lips twisted. “And we don’t need a bed. As I remember, we did it everywhere we could find a flat surface. From a muddy ditch to the table in the kitchen of that little hut outside Tangiers. Nothing got in the way.” He walked away before she could answer.
Nothing got in the way.
Grace was trembling as she watched him stride across the yard. That single sentence brought back too many memories, too many wild couplings, too many crazy— Stop thinking about it. She could feel her body readying, the tingling at her wrists and the palms of her hands. She was finding it hard to breathe and her breasts felt swollen, sensitive.
My God, she wanted him.
Hair shirt, Donavan had said.
He was right, it had been torture to look at Kilmer, watch him, listen to him, and smother the sexual need. She was a woman, for God’s sake. It was natural to have desires and needs. It was unnatural to keep herself from satisfying them if it hurt no one.
Go to bed. Think about it. Consider the consequences.
She didn’t want to think. She wanted to follow Kilmer now, this minute.
We don’t need a bed.
She closed her eyes. Fight it. If she had enough time, she’d get over this weakness. Tomorrow she’d keep busy and block Kilmer from her mind.
Tomorrow . . .
The barn, tomorrow at three.
11
The sun was hot on her back as Grace walked slowly toward the barn.
This was a mistake.
No, it wasn’t a mistake.
Or if it was, she was going to do it anyway, she thought recklessly. She’d tossed and turned and fought with herself all night long and come to that conclusion. She was a mature woman and she could handle a sexual encounter. She had the sense to protect herself this time. It didn’t have to mean anything more than the physical madness that had been between them all those years ago. It had been a long time for her, and she was probably suffering from withdrawal. Kilmer was right, they would both function better once that need had been satisfied.
Jesus, she didn’t know if she was rationalizing. But she knew that her knees felt weak and she could feel the flush burning her cheeks as she opened the barn door.
Dimness. The smell of hay and horses.
“I was afraid you weren’t going to come.” Kilmer came out of the shadows. “God, I was afraid.” He stood there looking at her.
Why didn’t he touch her?
And then he did.
He put his hand on her throat. His palm was hard and callused against her softness. Her pulse leaped in the hollow of her throat. She shuddered.
“Say it’s okay,” he said roughly. “For God’s sake, tell me it’s okay.”
She couldn’t speak. Hell, she couldn’t breathe. All she was aware of was the hard texture of his hand on the soft flesh of her throat.
“Grace.”
“Shut up.” She buried her face in his shoulder. “Just do it.”
“Hell, yes.” His hands were all over her, rubbing, stroking, squeezing. He was making low sounds that were wild and almost animalistic. “Good. You feel so—”
“So do you.” She was unbuttoning his shirt so that she could get closer, skin to skin. Lord, she’d forgotten the smell of him. Basic and spicy and as erotic to her as an aphrodisiac.
He had her shirt off and was unfastening her bra. He jerked it off and pulled her toward a stall. “Come on. Now. I have to get in you.”
She was vaguely aware of a pile of hay covered by a blanket in the stall before he pulled her down, frantically stripping her.
Naked against him. The feel . . .
She arched up, trying to get more of him.
“Yes.” He was moving between her thighs. “Take— Let me—”
She was going to scream.
She dug her nails into his shoulders. “Kilmer, it’s—”
“Shh, it’s right. It’s right. Just let me—”
“Let you?” She was panting. “No, let me.” She rolled over. “I can’t be still. I have to—”
“Whatever you want.” He pressed a spot at the base of her spine and a shudder went through her. “Whatever . . .”
Crazy,” she whispered as she tried to get her breath. “I thought it would be different. I hoped it would be different, but it was just the same. You’d think that older would be wiser.”
“Pleasure is wise. We can’t live without pleasure.” Kilmer was holding her spoon fashion, his hand stroking her stomach. “It makes up for all the bad times and keeps us sane.”
“There wasn’t anything sane about what just happened.” She tried to steady her voice. “It was crazy. I can’t figure out why I react like this with you. It just happens.”
His lips brushed her temple. “And I thank God for it.”
“Chemistry.”
“Maybe.”
“What else?”
“I’ve no idea. And I’m not going to tear apart something fantastic to see how it’s put together. I’m going to accept and enjoy the hell
out of it.” His tongue stroked the lobe of her ear. “I suggest you do the same.”
“We’re not the same.”
“Oh, I noticed that.”
“Bastard.” She sank her teeth playfully into his upper arm. “I mean women worry. It’s the way we are. We can’t enjoy a roll in the hay without thinking of the consequences.” She shook her head. “What am I saying? That’s exactly how Frankie was conceived. I was really careful then, wasn’t I?”
“It was my fault too.”
“Bullshit. You asked me and I lied. That makes it totally my responsibility, with no demands on you.”
“I could have wished you’d been a little more demanding when you found out you were pregnant. I felt helpless. I wanted to do something, anything, and there was nothing I could do that wouldn’t put you at risk.” His palm moved down to caress her belly. “I used to think about you, wonder how you looked when you were big with child, how you’d feel if I stroked you like this.”
“I was big as a house and waddled like a duck. You would have laughed.”
“No, I wouldn’t have laughed.”
She was silent a moment. “Perhaps you wouldn’t. People change when a baby’s involved. I know I did.” She stiffened. “Stop petting me.”
“Why? I’m trying to be tender, dammit.”
“It’s not having that effect.”
He laughed and rolled over on top of her. “Why?”
“Because I keep thinking of being pregnant, and that leads to how I got that way. And that makes me remember how we—”
“I get the connection.” He slowly rubbed against her and smiled when she inhaled sharply. “I gave orders that no one was supposed to come in here for the next three hours. How much time do you have?”
“I don’t know. I asked Donavan to keep an eye on Frankie. She’s working on her music.” Her hands were tightening on his shoulders. “Stop asking questions. Don’t waste a minute, dammit. I need it.”
“Not a minute,” he whispered. “Not a second . . .”
Wait.”
Grace turned at the door of the stall to look back at Kilmer still lying naked on the blanket. God, she wanted to go back to him. She should be sated, but it was as if she hadn’t already coupled with him innumerable times already. “What? It’s almost five; I’ve got to get back to the house.”
“I’m not arguing with you.” He smiled. “There’s straw in your hair. I’d help you get it out but that would lead to problems.”
She quickly ran her fingers through her hair. “Okay?”
“Beautiful.”
“Sure.”
“I’m not lying. You look flushed and tousled and soft . . . beautiful.” He paused. “When?”
“What?”
“Don’t stall. You know it’s going to happen again. It’s better if we plan it so that it’s easier for you. Tomorrow this time?”
She nodded jerkily. “If it works out with Frankie.”
“I’ll wait.” He sat up and began to put on his clothes. “But it’s probably not going to be enough for either of us. You’ve got to be prepared for that.”
“I won’t let Frankie think her mother’s some bimbo who—”
“I wouldn’t let her think that of you. I’m just saying that I’m not going to be able to keep my hands off you. And even when I’m not touching you, you’ll know what I’m thinking.”
And she’d want his hands on her, she thought. There wasn’t any question that she’d want him. This encounter had been every bit as heady and desperate as the sex they’d had nine years ago. She knew it would prove just as addictive. “I can’t think that far ahead.”
“It won’t be that far ahead.” He fastened his belt. “I guarantee. But let me take care of it. I’ll make it easy for you, and Frankie won’t know.”
She made a rueful face. “But everyone else on the ranch will know.”
“Yes, but if they even raise an eyebrow, I’ll make them wish they’d never been born. It never bothered you that the team knew about us nine years ago.”
“I wasn’t thinking enough to be bothered by anything. I was just feeling.”
“I can’t keep this secret,” he said quietly. “We’re all living too close together.”
“I know that.” She opened the stall door. “I made a decision and I don’t have any right to expect anything else. Just make sure Frankie doesn’t know.”
Langley, Virginia
What are you working on?” Stolz stood outside Nevins’s cubicle gazing curiously at Nevins’s computer screen. “I thought we were supposed to go to dinner together.”
“You’re early. I thought we’d agreed on seven-thirty.” Nevins quickly blanked out the screen. “Just a little project North gave me to do. He said he wanted it right away.” He got to his feet. “Where do you want to go? The cafeteria or off site?”
“Off. The Italian restaurant we went to day before yesterday. I don’t want to even think about work for the next hour. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with all this bureaucratic bullshit.”
That lead was supposed to make him think of Stolz as a buddy, Nevins thought scornfully. Not likely. Stolz didn’t have half his ability or brains. But he was still going to need him to get the fix. “The benefits are good.” He smiled. “Maybe we’ll take a look at the private sector.”
“What’s Ops 751?”
“Nosy.” Thank God he’d blanked the screen before Stolz could get the rest of the ops number. He’d better not work on it until he could get a little more privacy. Everyone had gone home in his section and Stolz wasn’t supposed to be here for another hour. But he’d only risked it because the time was getting short. Only a few more days until Hanley would be on his ass. “I told you that I was on a North assignment.”
“What’s North up to?”
He lowered his voice melodramatically. “Confidential. Top-secret.” He laughed. “All that crap. I’ll tell you all about it over dinner.” Which meant he’d better start concocting the fable right now to make it plausible. “Let’s get out of here.”
Grace stood on the porch and looked out at the mountains, waiting.
Frankie was playing in the living room after supper. Tonight the music was lively and light, and Grace could hear her chatting with Donavan as she played.
She should be in there. No, she shouldn’t. She had a few minutes.
The screen door opened and she tensed.
Kilmer came out of the house to stand behind her. His hands slid around to cup her breasts. “Thank God. Jesus, I couldn’t wait to get that damn meal over with.”
Neither could Grace. She arched back against him as sensation tore through her. “It’s not— I have to go back in.”
“Not yet.” He was squeezing and releasing. “I told Donavan to keep her busy. The barn. Give me thirty minutes. I’ll be quick.”
Hell, they’d both be quick. These days by the time they got to each other they were almost exploding.
“Come on. Would you rather lie in bed all night and think about it?” He took her hand and pulled her down the steps. “Thirty minutes, Grace.”
She shouldn’t go. So far she’d managed to keep control when Frankie was around.
Not tonight. Those hours of waiting had made her frantic.
She started to run toward the barn. “Hurry.”
They were walking quickly back to the house forty-five minutes later. Grace could hear Frankie playing, still laughing at Donavan. She hadn’t been missed.
Kilmer said the same thing. “She didn’t miss you. Stop worrying. It wasn’t that long.” His lips tightened. “Not nearly long enough. But it was enough so that we won’t go crazy.”
“We’re acting like animals.”
“Yes, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s clean and hot and beautiful.”
“It’s wrong if I can’t control it.”
He stopped her with his hand on her arm. “If all you’re worried about is Frankie, then we can fix it. You don’t want to sneak around
? Then make it legitimate.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Marry me.”
She stared at him. “What?”
“We could sleep in the same bed. No more barn.”
“I’m not marrying anyone so that I can have sex with him.”
“Why not? If we had enough of each other, you might get bored with me and send me on my way. Isn’t that what you want?” He paused. “And Frankie likes me. I think she’d accept me.”
“And then have her fall apart when you left us?”
“I wouldn’t leave her. I’ll never leave you again. If there’s any leaving to be done, you’d leave me. There’s a difference and I’d make sure she knew it. Will you consider it?”
She shook her head.
He shrugged. “I didn’t think you were ready. There’s still too much bitterness lingering because I made you raise Frankie alone.”
“I told you that’s not true.”
“I believe it is. No matter how much you tell yourself that you don’t blame me, there has to be a little bitterness. That’s okay. I’ll work around it.”
She shook her head again.
“Then we’ll leave it at status quo.” Kilmer stepped aside for her to precede him up the porch steps. “But it’s going to get worse instead of better. You can bet on it.”
Time for bed, Frankie.” Grace got up from her chair. “It’s almost ten.”
“Okay.” Frankie made a face. “But I hate going to bed. It’s such a waste of time.”
Donavan laughed. “You remind me of my friend Kilmer here. He’s always afraid he’ll miss something if he sleeps more than a few hours.”
“Really?” She looked at Kilmer. “Is that true, Jake?”
He nodded. “We’re definitely soul mates, Frankie.”
Grace had heard Frankie complain about having to go to bed hundreds of times. She had never connected that dislike with Kilmer’s aversion. Did Frankie take after Kilmer, or was it only a child’s worry that she might miss something? “Soul mates or not, you’ll be dragging by morning. Kilmer already has his growth.” She jerked her thumb at the door. “Move it. I’ll be right up.”