“We'll talk, I promise,” I said, then took a much needed gulp of air. “But you have to give me time to process all that you just said. It’s been more than two months since I saw you. I’ve moved on with my life and then…” Blessed anger finally began to fill me, strengthening my resolve. “Then, life gets rough on your side and you think you can just show up at my house, blurt out this shit and I’ll fall gratefully into your arms?”
He closed the distance between us and put his hand on my shoulder. Despite how cold it was outside, his hand was warm through the thin cotton of my robe. “I'm sorry. You're right.” His voice was soft, the gentle voice that had drawn me to him in the first place. “I wasn't thinking.” He squeezed my shoulder and then stepped away. “I'm going to go meet my lawyer and start getting the divorce papers drawn up. Take all the time you need and call me when you're ready to talk. I'll wait.”
He left, letting in another blast of cold air, but I barely felt it.
I walked over to my couch on shaky legs and sank onto the soft cushions. Did that really happen? Or was it simply a dream? I pinched myself and sure enough, reality of my situation kicked in.
Why now?
Why would Reed knock on my door the morning after Julien and I first made love? Was I cursed, being punished by the gods?
I nearly growled out loud in frustration. I knew I'd have a lot to think about today, but I figured it'd be centered on Julien, and how sleeping together could change our friendship; what would happen between us next. I'd never in a million years thought that something like this would happen. I’d been looking forward, focusing on my future… not back.
I sighed, hugging my knees to my chest, trying to curl myself into a tight little ball. Maybe if I were small enough, all of this pain and confusion would diminish as well.
Not too long ago, Reed coming to my door and saying that he'd picked me over Britni would've been everything I ever wanted. But I'd spent my time since that last conversation trying to get over him. I didn't know how well it'd worked.
“Hey.” Julien's voice came from behind me.
I jumped up, my face flushing. “Julien, I–”
“You don't have to say anything,” he interrupted. He picked up his jacket from where he'd tossed it on the couch the night before. “What happened between us was a mistake.”
I stared at him, unable to believe my ears. The words hurt more than they should have.
“Things just got out of hand. It won't happen again.” His tone was flat and he couldn't look me in the eye. “I should go be with my mother.”
He left before I could argue. Not that there was anything I could've said. 'Hey, I know your dad just died and you want to be with your grieving mother, but I want to talk about the fact that we just fucked' didn't exactly seem like the best thing to do.
I sank down on the couch and put my head in my hands. How had things gotten this fucked up? I'd done the right thing and walked away from Reed. I'd told myself to stay away from romance and had been doing a pretty good job of it. Now, in one night, the nice little world I'd been building for myself here was shattered.
I didn't know what I was supposed to think or do. There was no order to the chaos in my head. I couldn't figure out what to process first. Reed's declaration? What had happened between Julien and me? His abrupt departure? My feelings for Reed? My feelings for Julien? Did I believe Reed? How damaged was my friendship with Julien?
There were too many question marks, far too much for my brain to handle, particularly without coffee. I stood. I needed to call in reinforcements. Anastascia was going to be pissed that I woke her up this early on a Saturday, but when she heard what happened, I knew she'd understand.
My only other option was to go curl up in bed again and try to pretend like none of this had happened. But considering my sheets and pillows probably smelled like Julien now – that subtle musky scent that wasn't cologne or aftershave, just him – I doubted I'd be able to put anything out of my mind. So, no matter how much I wanted to act like nothing had changed, I trudged back upstairs to get my phone and make the call.
Two
I ended up spending Thanksgiving with Anastascia and her parents. They'd both been happy to have me and the holiday should've been the best I'd had since before my mother died. In Vegas, I always worked the holidays. The tips sucked, but there had usually been a bonus and the girls with families always appreciated it. Being with the Galaways was the closest thing to being with family I'd had in more than two years, but I hadn't been able to fully enjoy the experience.
I'd called Anastascia not long after Julien left and told her everything. She'd agreed that pushing Julien about what had happened wouldn't be right considering all he was going through. Instead, I sent him a text telling him I was here if he needed me, and then waited for him to initiate contact. By Tuesday, without a word, I gave in and called. It had gone to voicemail and I left a stumbling message, telling him I'd seen the funeral announcement in the paper and that I'd be there if he needed to talk. I told myself that I'd had a good reason to call and that, this time, I'd wait until he reached out first.
By Tuesday night, I tried texting. Then another two calls on Wednesday. I texted him on Thanksgiving, but received no response. Not even a cursory return of my 'Happy Thanksgiving' greeting. Friday, I placed two calls, though I'd been tempted to do more. I hated looking like I was needy, but the silence was unnerving. I was worried about him. I missed him. Now, I was walking into the church with Anastascia and had absolutely no clue how I was supposed to handle seeing him again.
“How do you want to play this?” Anastascia asked as we approached the receiving line at the front of the sanctuary.
“Damned if I know,” I muttered, biting the inside of my lip.
She and I got in line behind some people that I recognized from the cover of Forbes magazine. I'd only met Julien's parents once and didn't know anyone else in the family, so I kept things simple. A handshake and a murmur of condolences got me up to Mrs. Atwood. I repeated what I'd said before, but my “so sorry for your loss” was more heartfelt as I looked into her sad face. She was impeccably dressed, her hair and make-up perfect, but no matter how expertly it had been applied, I could still see the circles under her eyes. I remembered what Julien had said, how his parents had been arguing when his father collapsed. I could only imagine the guilt she must be feeling.
And then I was moving along and Julien was right there. A million questions came into my head, but I didn't let them out. He looked like he'd aged ten years since I'd last seen him, even though it had been only a week. My heart ached for him. I opened my arms and, after a brief hesitation, he stepped into my embrace.
“I'm so sorry,” I said.
I felt a tremor go through his body and his arms tightened around me for the briefest of moments. I inhaled deeply, indulging myself for a few seconds as his scent carried me back to that night. Then he was releasing me and taking a step a backwards, putting distance between us.
“Thank you for coming.” His voice was stiff and he didn't meet my eyes. He seemed to be looking everywhere but at me.
“Of course.” I was surprised that I managed not to let the words betray the stab of hurt that went through me. He was grieving. I had no right to have expectations of his behavior. I repeated that to myself as Anastascia and I found seats. It didn't lessen the pain and only made me feel guilty. It wasn't only my questions, though. Those were easier than I'd thought to hold back. No, I simply wanted to be there for him. Be his friend, as he’d always been to me. I wanted to put my arms around him and hold him, try to take away his pain.
“Piper.”
A low male voice said my name and I turned, starting to smile. The expression froze when I saw Reed taking a seat across the aisle. I forced myself to finish the smile. I still hadn't figured out how I felt about the other morning. Every time I tried to think about it, I started worrying about how Julien was doing. Reed really did have awful timing.
“Hi.
”
“Can I talk to you?”
I shook my head. “Not now.” I gestured toward the front of the sanctuary where the family was moving to their seats.
“Do you know what you're going to say to Reed?” Anastascia whispered as a priest slowly walked across the platform to stand on the other side of the casket.
“Nope, not a clue.” I pulled my coat more tightly around my shoulders. Winter had come with a vengeance yesterday, blasting Philadelphia with cold air and flurries of snow too dry to stick. I'd only been in Vegas a couple of years, but the heat had made me forget what a real winter was like. The exterior chill just added to the interior cold I felt. I felt frozen with uncertainty.
Thankfully, Anastascia didn't try to pressure me into anything. She knew what a difficult time I was having and had been very supportive. What she hadn't been able to do, however, was tell me what I was supposed to do. I had a feeling there was an opinion she was keeping to herself for some reason, but I didn't push her on it. I wasn't sure I was ready to know what she truly thought anyway.
I tried to focus on what the priest was saying about Julien's father, hoping I could gain some insight into the family. It didn't take long to realize that the list of platitudes being spouted had nothing to do with the real man Julien had known. My attention wandered, alternating between sideways glances across the aisle to see if Reed was still looking at me – he was – and ones up front to see if I could deduce any sort of emotion from the back of Julien's head – I couldn't. All Julien's hair did was remind me what it had felt like, brushing against my thighs, wound between my fingers.
I squeezed my eyes closed and took a slow breath. Those were not thoughts I needed to be having at a funeral.
The service was nearly twice as long as the one I'd had for my mother and enough different that it barely reminded me of hers at all. That was some small comfort for me, I supposed. I knew Anastascia had been worried about that. I would've been too if I hadn't been so busy thinking about how my friend was doing. I understood the loss of a parent, though mine hadn't been a surprise.
The service ended and everyone watched in silence as the pallbearers helped take the casket down the aisle and out the front of the church. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Reed trying to get my attention but I turned away from him. I knew I needed to talk to him at some point, but I wanted to figure out how I was feeling before I did.
“I need to use the restroom,” I whispered as the ushers started to dismiss people. I slipped out the far side of the pew and headed toward the stairs at the back, hoping to avoid the throng of people in the back. I'd only been in here once as a kid, but I was pretty sure I remembered where things were.
A few minutes later, I had to admit that I was wrong. I was near what I assumed was the priest's study, but didn't see any sign of a bathroom. I sighed. It'd probably be quicker to go back into the sanctuary and wait until we got back to my place than it would be to keep searching.
As I hurried around the corner, I wasn't watching where I was going and ran straight into a wall of solid muscle. Hands closed on my arms and I looked up to see almost-black eyes looking down at me.
“Reed.” My mouth was suddenly dry.
“Piper.” His voice was soft, a caress over the word that made me remember other, more intimate, times he'd said my name. “I'm glad I finally caught you.”
His hands burned through my shirt, heating my skin. I swallowed hard, wondering if he was going to try to kiss me... wondering if I'd let him. He released me and took a step back.
“I wanted to apologize for showing up at your house like that,” he said. “I was completely out of line. I never should've sprung things on you like that.”
I nodded. “It's okay. You just caught me off guard.” I didn't seem to know what to do with my hands. Finally, I settled for crossing them in front of me.
“Look, I don't want to fuck this up again.” His expression was earnest. “Go on a date with me this coming Friday. It'll be a real first date. We'll talk. No pressure.”
A chance to sit down and talk to him was a good idea. And a week would give me the time I'd need to start putting together a better picture of how I felt about what had happened with him and with Julien.
“No,” I said and watched his face fall. “Not a date, but I will have dinner with you… to talk.”
A smile broke across his face and I couldn't help but smile back. I might not know whether or not I still cared about him enough to want to try a relationship with him, but I did know that I liked seeing him happy.
He reached out and took my hand, giving it a quick squeeze before releasing it again. “I'll pick you up at seven, and we'll keep it casual.”
I nodded and watched as he walked away. I couldn't deny that he looked good in his suit. My stomach clenched as I remembered the way he looked out of it.
“Dammit,” I said to myself. “This is going to be a long week.”
I smoothed non-existent wrinkles from my dress pants and then started for the stairs. Before I took more than half a dozen steps, I caught a glimpse of someone hurrying by. I didn't need a close look to know that it was Julien. He'd seen me, I was sure of it, but now he didn't even look my way, confirming that he didn't want to talk to me.
I scowled. I really hoped this date with Reed would help me figure out what I wanted and that this distance Julien was putting between us would ease the awkwardness. I just wanted to move on with my life, but I had a bad feeling that was going to be easier said than done.
Three
The first week of December was just as confusing and miserable as I'd feared. Work was fine, if a little boring, but everyone at Madam Emilana's was freaking out. We would be performing pieces from The Nutcracker for a friend of Madam Emilana. Apparently, he was looking for a few girls for various parts in a new version of Phantom of the Opera that he was producing in early summer. Auditions would begin after the first of the year, and rumor had it that any girls who caught his eye now might be getting a personal invitation.
What should have been an exciting announcement was tempered by the fact that the only person I had to share it with was Anastascia. I'd called Julien and left a message for him, telling him about the opportunity, but that had been three days ago and I hadn't heard anything back.
Then, late last night, Anastascia called. The pipes in her apartment had burst, and then the heat had gone out. The combination meant there was no way she could stay there, especially not in December. I, of course, invited her to stay with me. I loved my best friend and, normally, having her at my place for a couple weeks would be a blast. Problem was, I didn't want laughter and distraction. I needed to be able to think and, even when she tried to give me my space, I had a hard time focusing on the problem.
At least she'd helped me pick out the perfect 'I'm not saying I'm interested but maybe I could be' outfit. He'd said casual, which I was glad about since it meant I could wear jeans instead of a dress or skirt. I enjoyed dressing up, but I didn't bare leg in the winter without an insanely good excuse. Tonight, I was wearing my nicest pair of jeans – the kind that hugged my curves without looking painted on – and a clingy sweater that made my eyes look almost like emeralds.
When Reed knocked on the door, Anastascia gave me a look that said she expected a full report when I got home and then headed upstairs to my extra room. I took a deep breath and opened the door. Reed's eyes warmed when he saw me and he held out a bouquet of wildflowers.
“Thank you.” I motioned for him to come in. I was relieved to see that he'd kept it casual as well. Not that he didn't look good. He wore designer jeans with an expensive cut and a fitted long-sleeved shirt that showed off his broad shoulders and chest. He'd gone with a rich, deep red so we looked like we matched to make Christmas colors.
I put the flowers in a vase and set them on my kitchen table, then headed back out to the living room where Reed waited. His hands were in his pockets and it was then I realized that he was as nervous as I was.
/> “Ready?” He flashed me a charming smile and gestured toward the door.
His car was sitting at the curb, and I wasn't surprised to see that it was the latest BMW model. He wasn't a snob about the money he and his family had, but he didn't go out of his way to downplay it either. And he did like his cars. I smiled as he opened the door for me before hurried around to the driver's side.
“Since we're keeping it casual, I was thinking about Earth Bread and Brewery,” Reed said as he pulled out of his parking space.
“That sounds great,” I said. “I love their flatbread pizza.”
“And I figured a good beer might loosen things up.” He winked at me.
“Good idea.” I began to relax as we drove.
He kept the conversation casual, asking how dance was going and my job. I wasn't sure how to ask him questions about work and his life without bringing up his ended marriage or the fact that his parents had threatened to cut off his company if he didn't marry Britni. I was pretty sure their threat would carry over to divorcing, particularly if it was before they had a kid. So, I let him steer the conversation and didn't push when he skirted around the more serious topics. Once we got into dinner, I'd make sure we discussed the things that needed said, but I was glad we were keeping it light for the moment.
The place was packed, but Reed didn't have a problem getting a table rather quickly. I had a feeling the Stirlings rarely had issues pulling strings to get reservations. As we started up the stairs, I could feel Reed's eyes on me as I went in front of him. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he just admiring the view or was he remembering what it had felt like to have his hands on me? Heat flooded me, chasing away the last of the winter cold.