The only person whose opinion mattered.
And Tony had already given his word months earlier that he would follow whatever instructions Ed gave him…after.
Fuck.
He sat in his car for a moment and stared at the door, rolling the keys to the club around in the palm of his hand. Seth and Leah were now in the Bahamas on a private honeymoon after having been married at his house just yesterday afternoon.
Today…
Today was for the rest of them. Today was the private memorial for Kaden’s kinky friends. While many of them had also attended the public memorial service held five days after his passing, this service was specifically for them. Kaden hadn’t exactly been leather, but his friends who were, along with some of his other kinky friends, had attended his public memorial dressed in vanilla suits or other nondescript clothes that didn’t allow them to honor Kaden the way they’d truly wanted.
Tony finally opened his car door and got out, taking his time shutting and locking it.
He didn’t want to do this. What he really wanted to do, now that Leah was alone in Seth’s hopefully capable hands and no longer his responsibility, was head home, stop somewhere along the way to buy a bottle of something with a very high proof percentage, and get himself stinking drunk in a way he hadn’t since college.
But he’d promised.
And he would honor his promise to Kaden.
He unlocked the door and headed inside to get the air conditioner and lights turned on. The club already had a large-screen TV and DVD player, and Ed would bring the DVD that Kaden wanted played.
Tony considered it odd that Kaden would do this when Seth and Leah couldn’t be here, but this had been his wish.
Ed had tried to explain that Kaden didn’t want Leah subjected to another memorial when she’d already had to go through the public one. But that Kaden had also wanted his friends—the friends who’d known him best, all the sides of him—to have their chance to say good-bye in their own way.
The word had been spread, and people were invited to wear whatever they wanted for this. From street clothes, to full formal fetish or leather garb, to naked, if they preferred.
Maybe I should have brought a flask to get me through today.
Yes, the small wedding service yesterday had been touching and memorable, for sure. While it wasn’t something that likely would make any record books, Tony was betting Kaden was the first man to not only arrange his widow’s next marriage, but also technically perform the wedding ceremony post-mortem.
There hadn’t been a dry eye in the house as the DVD had played and Kaden “officiated” the ceremony. Their friend and deeply closeted kinkster, Judge Pat Donnelly, had made the official proclamation declaring Seth and Leah wed.
No, not much could top that.
Then again, they had this afternoon to get through.
Seth was aware it was happening, but hadn’t been given a say in it by Kaden. Kaden had wanted Seth focused totally on Leah and keeping her going in the immediate aftermath of his death.
Tony wouldn’t deny that he was glad Seth had stepped up to the plate to learn everything he’d needed to take over Leah’s care from Kaden.
While Tony had agreed to Kaden’s back-up plan to step in as Leah’s Master and Top if Seth hadn’t been able to do that for her, it wasn’t a role he’d been completely looking forward to fulfilling. Not when he knew Leah’s heart wouldn’t have been in it. She already loved Seth and had for years.
He was going through the refrigerator and putting two-liter bottles of soda inside it to chill when he heard the door from the office open.
“Tony?”
“In here.” He turned. Ed looked about the way he felt, like he’d been run through a garbage disposal, heart first, after someone dumped fifty gallons of vinegar on his soul and then shoved him through the disposal unit a second time.
Ed walked over to the table closest to Tony. He carried the picture of Kaden, Leah, and Seth that had been displayed at the public memorial, as well as a messenger bag, and set them both on the table. Today, Ed wore jeans, black leather boots, and a black button-up shirt. He looked nothing like an attorney. Yesterday, Ed had been dressed in a suit and tie, despite the circumstances and the fact that the wedding guests had all been involved in, or at least aware of, the kinky side of Kaden’s life.
“What fresh hell have you brought for us today?” Tony asked, letting the fridge door swing shut and forcing his tone to remain light despite the inky blackness clouding his soul.
Ed shook his head as he pulled out a chair and heavily sat. “I didn’t watch it. I only follow instructions. Frankly, I don’t want to watch it ahead of time. I haven’t watched any of them, and I won’t.”
“I know Kaden was a control freak…but…” Tony leaned against the fridge. “Yesterday? That was beyond the pale.”
Ed smiled. “Try being his friend and business partner for nearly two decades.”
“I can only imagine.”
Ed laced his fingers behind his head. “I don’t even mean that in a bad way. It was good, in most ways. Made him good at what he did. He thought of everything.”
He extended his arms. “Look at this place. Case in point. He thought about everything when he set up the paperwork for Derrick and Marcia. He went overboard to make sure they were personally protected from liability.”
Tony crossed his arms over his chest. “What are we going to do without him?” he quietly asked. “I mean, I know he hasn’t been around here lately, but he was still here, in spirit. Now he’s gone. Gone gone.”
“I don’t know.” Ed laced his fingers behind his head again. “I really don’t know. Hope is nearly beside herself. She barely made it through yesterday. We got home and she cried herself to sleep in my arms. I didn’t think about how hard this would be on her, seeing what Leah was going through. Reminded her of my mortality, I think.”
“I thought Hope handled the public memorial really well.”
“Xanax,” he said. “I made her take some. I knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with Seth and Leah, and Hope, as horrible and cold as that might sound. Much less my own emotions. It was all I could do to drag myself out of bed for it.”
“Where is she now?”
“Home. Ross and Loren will bring her. She’ll ride home with me, but I needed to get my thoughts together, alone, without worrying about her for a little while.”
“I don’t know how you’ve done all this without losing your mind. How you’ve managed to get through it all.”
“Kaden planned everything. Oh, and with a little help from my new best friend, Xanax,” he said, smiling. “It’s a hell of a good thing, let me tell you what. I highly recommend it. That reminds me.”
He pulled a pill bottle out of his messenger bag, opened it, shook one small, peach-colored pill into his palm, and then rose and headed over to the water cooler.
“Xanax?” Tony asked.
“Fuckin’-A, it is. Want one?”
Tony smiled and did his best Bones McCoy imitation. “Dammit, Ed. You’re a lawyer, not a pharmacist.”
Ed nearly choked on his water as he started laughing. “Shit, man. I wish I could be popping these things like Pez, but I have to remain functioning.”
“In all seriousness, how are you doing?”
Ed sighed, staring into his cup. “Xanax,” he said, without a trace of humor. “And once Kaden finally gives me a break, and I can sit down and take about two weeks off, I plan on spending most of it in bed or on the couch. Probably curled up in a fetal position.” He finished his cup of water. “But for now, I made a promise, and I intend to keep it.”
“Me, too. Kaden would keep it for us,” Tony quietly said.
“Yep,” Ed agreed.” He looked up at Tony. “I’m sorry, but the next time someone—and I don’t give a shit if it’s someone I love dearly—asks me if I’ll do them a favor after they die, I’m going to flat tell them no.”
Ed’s focus returned to the cup in his hand.
“I thought he wanted me to handle his estate, or help Seth with the funeral arrangements. I didn’t know Kaden had a whole goddamned year’s worth of stuff planned.”
“A year?” Then again, Tony thought about the envelope he now had stashed in his safe deposit box. One Kaden had given to him several months back.
One Kaden had told him he wanted Tony to give Leah and Seth as soon as possible after the one-year anniversary of his passing.
“Not a whole year’s worth,” Ed clarified. “Immediately, just a few weeks of work, to get mostly Seth through things while Seth focuses on keeping Leah alive. Then there are some benchmark dates where I have to give them—give Seth—stuff. And a couple that will likely be more than a year away. Like the first Halloween party they host after he passes, things like that.”
“Ah.”
They fell silent for a moment.
“I thought he was exaggerating,” Tony quietly said. “I thought he was just being a worry-wort. His usual control-freak self.”
Ed nodded. “Me, too.”
Tony walked over to one of the chairs and sat. “I thought Leah would do her usual job of kicking ass and, yes, mourn, but be okay eventually, once she got past the worst of it. It’s not like this was unexpected. She had over a year to prepare herself. I thought she’d be okay.”
Ed shook his head. “So did I, but no, not so much. I realize now Kaden was right. If it hadn’t been for Seth…” He frowned, seeming to puzzle it over, how he wanted to say it. “If it hadn’t been for Seth,” he continued, “we would have lost her by now. I’m sure of it. It would have been a double funeral. Our backs would have been turned for a minute, or we would have thought she was asleep and we would have left the room, or something. She would have convinced us to leave her alone, that she was okay, even for a couple of hours.”
Tony slowly nodded. “Yep. Don’t think I haven’t already thought that a bunch of times.”
That had been one of Kaden’s most strident requests, especially over the last few weeks before his death.
“Do not leave her alone. Whatever you do, not for a single goddamned second—not to go to the bathroom, not when you think she’s sound asleep. Someone always needs to watch her, at least for the first week or two, and especially over the first several days after, until she marries Seth. If you don’t do that, if you don’t keep an eye on her at all times, bad things will happen. Don’t give her a second alone.”
“I’m glad he insisted,” Tony said. “Because I really didn’t believe him.”
“Hell, I’ve known her for damn near twenty years, and I didn’t believe him. How do you think I feel? If it’d been up to me? If he hadn’t put all this together? I wouldn’t have known. I’d have closed the bedroom door to let her sleep, or have run home late that night, and I’d have come back to check on her and probably found her dead.”
“Yep,” Tony quietly said. “That’s exactly what would have happened. Just like that next morning, in the kitchen.”
Tony couldn’t get the spooky memory out of his head, the one of the morning after Kaden’s death, when Leah awoke before Seth and wandered out to the kitchen and stared at the knives in the butcher’s block.
How he’d tensed and prepared to tackle her when she’d reached out toward the knives, hesitating before pulling her hand away and silently mouthing something to herself.
How she’d totally ignored his and Ed’s presence, as if they were ghosts.
How while he followed her outside as she wandered, Ed hurriedly scooped up every sharp implement he could find in the kitchen and ran out the front door to lock them in the trunk of his car before catching up with them and helping Tony keep a close eye on her.
How when they’d returned to the kitchen, she’d gone straight for the butcher’s block again and stared at it, reaching out to touch it.
How she’d looked at him, her accusing gaze meeting his before she closed her eyes and silently wept for a moment, as if she realized her chance had passed. Then she went and sat down at the counter.
From that second on, Ed and Tony had made damned sure to follow Kaden’s instructions to the letter.
Tony still shuddered to think what would have happened—not might, but would—had he been napping on the couch, or had Ed been dozing in the guest room, instead of them being on guard like Kaden had ordered.
Seconds is all it would have taken.
Gooseflesh broke out over Tony’s arms. The look in Leah’s eyes when they’d locked gazes had told him everything he’d needed to know. The tone of her voice as she’d practically begged them.
Why won’t you let me die?
He owed it to Kaden to follow the man’s orders.
There was no way in hell he’d let him—or Seth and Leah—down.
Chapter Thirteen
When a crowd of people filled Venture, it usually meant boisterous talk, raucous laughter, music, and the sounds of people enjoying themselves and having fun interspersed with noisy implements being used on human flesh…and even noisier orgasms being moaned out into the depths of the playspace.
Not today.
Today, Tony helped Ed set up extra chairs, Derrick and Marcia soon arriving to quietly help them with that task. Then the caterer arrived. She was also someone in the lifestyle, a member of the club. She grimly set about her task, preparing the buffet Kaden had ordered and paid for ahead of time, awaiting only Ed’s notice for the actual date and time.
No one spoke, too wrapped up in their thoughts.
The owner of the company was handling this herself, dressed in black slacks and a black leather corset, no makeup, and wearing eyeglasses instead of her usual contacts, behind which she bore red and puffy eyes.
Tony could sympathize. When alone at home, he wouldn’t deny he’d shed more than a few tears of his own for his friend. Although while around Seth and Leah, he’d done his best not to lose it, to stay strong for them, to make sure they knew they could lean on him if they needed to get through this.
As people arrived, most dressed either in Sunday best or fetish finery, a low, respectful quiet filled the dungeon. Marcia had the forethought to stock up on boxes of tissues, which were liberally and strategically placed all around the dungeon, and getting a lot of use.
When the planned start time arrived, the dungeon was over its usual playtime capacity by triple, at least. There had to be close to two hundred people, standing room only, packed into the main room.
Ed walked over to the TV and held up his hands for attention, the room quickly growing silent except for the rustle of clothes and frequent sniffles. Next to him, on an easel, the picture of Kaden, Leah, and Seth had been propped up, much as it had at the public memorial.
“Hey, everyone,” Ed said. “Thanks for coming today. Well, this isn’t a day I’ve looked forward to, believe me. Some of you were at Tony’s yesterday. For those of you who weren’t, please don’t feel left out. Kaden planned everything, and he did it with Leah and her well-being in mind. And as you can see by the attendance here today, Kaden didn’t want Leah overwhelmed.
“The quick version is Seth and Leah got married yesterday. This is how Kaden wanted and planned it, so no shock or judgment about it, all right? If you’re here, then you should already be aware of how much Kaden loved Leah, and Seth, too. That being said, he made a video he asked me to play today for all of you.”
He nodded to Tony, who hit play on the DVD remote.
Tony took a deep breath as he watched the screen come to life, Kaden’s smiling face looking robust and full of vigor.
Not the frail, breathing skeleton of the control freak who’d finally let go and quit fighting barely two weeks earlier.
“Hey, everyone. I told Ed he could say something before the video played, and I’m sure he gave you the news about the newlyweds. They aren’t here today by my choice, not theirs. I have my reasons. If you care enough about me to be here today, then hopefully you care enough about me to respect my decision and not ask them about it. They know
it’s happening, but I’m not putting Leah through it.”
He took a deep breath and looked down for a moment, as if composing his thoughts, before his gaze returned to the camera.
“Venture, and all of you people who inhabit it on a regular basis, have become such a large part of our lives. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am for all of you. I know people look to me as a teacher or a community leader, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. You guys know I hate titles like that with a passion. But I’ve learned far more from all of you over the years than I feel I ever imparted back in return.
“I feel like I’m letting everyone down by not being there now. We all theoretically talk about what happens when we give up the ghost, but it still doesn’t feel real. It’s not like—if we’re lucky—we’ll actually comprehend the moment we die. It’s the people we love, the people we leave behind, who bear the brunt of that heavy and harsh burden.
“I guess the most important thing I want to say today is to everyone I didn’t personally see or talk to in the months before…now, I’m sorry I missed that opportunity. It doesn’t mean you meant any less to me, but there came a point where my focus pulled in tightly on lasting as long as I could, and being there for Leah and Seth. Also, let’s be honest.”
He held out his hands, smiling, indicating his fairly healthy-looking body. “This is the best I’m ever going to look again, and there comes a time a guy is entitled to a little vanity when it’s about all he’s got left.”
The room tittered with nervous, grieving laughter. Kaden had anticipated that and paused for a moment before speaking again. “Frankly, I didn’t want to put myself through seeing my friends grieving. That might make me a coward, and I’m sorry about that, but y’all know what a control freak I am.”
Another pause for more laughter, this round coming a little easier, now that he’d broken the ice.
“And what I’ll ask of all of you is to be there for them, now that I can’t be. I don’t mean overwhelm them, because, frankly, that would be worse than not doing anything. Ask Seth what, if anything, he needs from you. Let him guide you with talking to Leah. She’ll need to laugh, she’ll need to live.