“These things just take time. There’s no blueprint for diagnosing mental disorders or trauma.”
Ruby sighed heavily. “Time. I’ve given it time. It’s been twenty years of my life. At this point it’s been all I’ve ever known.” She watched as Dr. Benson looked down at her watch again, and it just made her even more angry. “And I wanted you to help me.”
“I am helping you, Ruby. We are figuring this out, and we will make this stop.”
It was a bold claim. A claim so bold that Ruby no longer believed it. She was tired and ready for it all to be over.
“I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep trying to pick apart everything in this maddening search for the cause. Maybe it’s just something I have to live with.”
Dr. Benson shook her head. “I don’t think so. Did something happen last night? Did you and Will get into a big argument or anything?”
“No,” Ruby answered, “why?”
“Well, every single time you’ve come in here and told me about the nightmare, it’s followed after something that’s caused you a great deal of stress. When you first moved to the farm and weren’t sure if you would be able to make enough money to live, the time Will got hurt on the tractor, or when your dad died. It seems that every time you are extremely stressed about something, the nightmare rears its ugly head. And because of this, I honestly believe that it’s nothing that you just have to just live with. It’s a symptom of something, and we can fix it. So, what happened last night?”
Ruby sighed. “Just the fireball.”
“The what?”
“We were sitting on the porch like we always do to watch the sunset. Now that summer is over, we’re trying to spend more time out there before it gets too cold. But last night as we sat there, a fireball shot across the sky with a huge flash and then disappeared over the woods.”
Dr. Benson looked at her slightly bewildered.
“You didn’t hear anything about it?” Ruby asked.
“No, there hasn’t been anything on the news. Maybe it was just a meteor shower or something? Those are common around this time of year, aren’t they?”
Ruby shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“And this made you anxious?”
Ruby looked at her like she was the dumbest person she’d ever met. “Everything makes me anxious now. I can’t watch the news without getting freaked out over nuclear war with Russia or terrorist attacks. Will and I don’t go to the movies anymore because I’m too afraid of being shot. If we had kids…”
Dr. Benson leaned over and looked at Ruby as her gaze fell to the floor. “What? What is it? If you had kids?”
Ruby sighed. “I was just going to say that if we had kids I wouldn’t even let them go to school. I’m too afraid they would be bullied or shot. It’s a scary world out there.”
Suddenly there was a knocking on the door. Dr. Benson stood up from her desk and stuck her head outside. After a second she turned back to Ruby and closed the door.
“I think that’s enough for now,” she said. “I think this was good, Ruby.” She went back to her desk and scribbled on a little card. “I want to talk again, in two weeks. I’ll be out of town next week, but I definitely think we are getting somewhere. A breakthrough even.”
Ruby didn’t believe a word she said. It was what she always said every time that she didn’t want to listen to her anymore. She would leave her with a sense of false hope to hang on until she got back the next time. But this time Ruby wasn’t going for it. The therapy wasn’t working for her anymore. Instead of saying anything, she painted a smile across her face and took the card.
“Thanks. I think we’ve had a breakthrough, too.”
4
Ruby was quiet the entire forty-five-minute drive home. She sat next to Will and just looked out the window as the plethora of cement and power lines transformed into long expenses of open land and fields of corn. She wanted a distraction from talking about her problems. Talking with Dr. Benson didn't help and she really didn't feel like rehashing the entire thing with Will. It felt good to escape for a while in the passing scenery. At one point, she even laughed at how the power lines seemed to stretch further and further apart as they got away from the city. It was as if the growing amount of space out in the country gave them more room to stretch and breathe. When Will saw her chuckling against the window he tried to start a conversation, but she was too embarrassed at her childish daydreaming to tell him what she was actually laughing about.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“Nothing,” she said searching for a lie, “I was just thinking about something Tucker did the other day.”
“Oh?” he said raising an eyebrow. “What did he do?”
She paused for a moment, refusing to make eye contact until she had an answer. She stared out the window desperately trying to think of something but nothing was coming.
“Well?”
“He farted!” she yelled turning her head quickly in a panic.
They both looked at each other for a solid five seconds before Will burst into laughter and nearly drove the truck off the road. He squeezed the steering wheel as his entire torso wiggled like Jell-O in an earthquake. Periodically, his arms would come up to his eyes to stop any tears from coming out as he caught his breath.
“Well now I can see what you were laughing about, but what made you think of that?”
In the few minutes that Will spent laughing, Ruby had concocted a story. She had no real reason to lie, she just didn’t feel like sharing her feelings with Will concerning her visit with Dr. Benson. She knew him well. She knew that if she let him in, even the slightest bit, he would pry and push and nag until she spilled her guts. He was always so hell-bent on knowing absolutely everything that went on in her head sometimes, and it drove her crazy.
“The other morning when I went out to feed them,” she said forcing a smile, “Tucker was sitting in the back of the pen away from everyone else. Now you know that isn’t normal for him, he’s always up in my business and always at the pen door.”
“Yeah, he’s too much of a hard ass to not be pushy anytime I go in there.”
Ruby shot him a look. “He’s not a hard ass, he’s macho.”
“Bull,” Will laughed.
“Anyway…I went into the pen and it was such a quiet and beautiful morning. I could hear the birds singing softly outside the barn, but there wasn’t a breeze or anything. It was so peaceful and serene. But as soon as my back was turned, what sounded like a jazz trumpet blasted behind me from the corner. I turned around and Tucker was still in the corner and all the other goats had backed away from him. Oh my God, the smell was so bad.”
This ignited another series of chuckles between them. It was good for them to laugh together. There was so much tension and anxiety permeating every square inch of their lives that they had almost forgotten how to laugh.
“When was this? Why didn’t you tell me? That’s hilarious.”
Ruby blushed, trying to bring the lie to completion. “Oh, I just forgot. You were busy.” She turned back toward the window and once again fell silent.
Will watched the sudden transformation and it made his eyes droop. While he believed the lie, he could sense that something was off. There was a deep sadness emanating from his lovely bride and it was starting to sink into his skin. Even his bones were beginning to feel it. As they left the city limits of Bugby behind and entered the small village of Bushnell, filling a small strip of unincorporated land between the city and the countryside, he had an idea. Up ahead, the silhouette of the most famous place in the countryside was starting to come into view. It was also a place that Will frequented.
“Hey, I’m going to make a quick pit stop, okay?” he asked her, hoping to draw her eyes back to him.
She just kept looking out the window. “Sure.”
He sighed at her lack of response. Something had a hold on her and it was eating him up inside. He just wanted to see her happy a
gain, and the only thing he knew that made her happy unconditionally was in the barn back home.
“I figured we could stop at Cray’s real quick and grab something for the goats.”
This got her attention. She turned and looked at him, her eyes scrunched in confusion. “But they have feed. Probably another day or two’s worth. It’s okay, you don’t need to stop. I just want to go home.”
“No,” he insisted, “they have feed, yes, but they deserve something special.” He quickly grasped for a reason to stop. He didn’t like lying to his wife, even if it was about something as insignificant as goat feed. “Winter’s going to be here soon, and I’m concerned about their nutrition.”
She shot him another look.
“I’m not saying you don’t take care of them! You’re a perfect caretaker, like a mother, even! I just think that maybe they aren’t getting the best nutrition from their feed. They could use some real good stuff before the winter. You know, to help keep them healthy.”
Ruby wasn’t sure what to think. She loved to splurge on her goats and spoil them, but times were tough and money was as tight as it had been in years.
“I don’t know, Will. The good stuff is expensive. They’ll be okay, really. I just want to go home.”
Will wouldn’t take no for an answer. He pulled into the parking lot of Cray’s Hardware and parked the truck next to another larger and newer looking pickup.
“It’ll be okay. I’ll only be a minute.” He flew out the door and up toward the front of the store.
Cray’s