That was fair enough. I dragged my overly heavy body off the sofa and padded towards the door, being sure not to make too much noise. They knew I was in here but I didn't want them to hear me.
I pulled my phone out of my bag and saw that it was them that gave up, probably because they were both coming over. My phone had 23% left. I put the phone on silent and shot them a group text: 'I'm fine, please let me be alone for a while. It's what I need.'
Cradling my phone to my chest, I went back to the sofa and pulled a thick blanket over me. I felt like I was sick and resting but there was no cure for what I was going through. Time was supposed to be the magic that fixed everything but I wasn't sure how it was going to heal anything here. I wasn't just dealing with the death of my mum.
Damon replied first: 'I need you to let me in.'
I replied a simple 'no' and left it at that. He'd want to see that I was okay to believe me because I'd not been all that open before and would pretend I was okay a million times over before I admitted I wasn't.
Chloe's reply came shortly after mine: 'We just want to make sure you're alright. You're scaring us. We're worried. If you won't let us in please answer Damon.'
My phone rang, he'd given me just enough time to read Chlo's message.
I answered and said, "I'm fine but I need to be alone." Then I hung up before he could say a word.
There, I'd given them what they'd said they needed to believe me so they should leave now. Please leave now. I would be fine but I had to get my head around it and the only way I knew how to deal with things was alone. My family never talked through problems, this was the only thing I knew.
Chloe sent: 'Okay. Call when you need me. I love you. X'
Damon didn't reply and it was probably because I'd dented his male pride or something ridiculous. He wanted to fix things for me and I loved that he did but this was all on me. No one could get me past Mum's death and whatever was happening with Dad. I had to do that for myself.
Damon
"Have you heard from her?" I asked Chloe. Two days later and Nell hadn't got in touch. I'd passed on calling, she wouldn't answer, but I'd sent a few texts. She wanted to be alone and that was understandable but she couldn't just cut us out and not let us know if she was fine. I couldn't imagine what she was going through and had no idea how she was coping, or if she was even coping at all.
The whole thing was scary and out of my control. I liked control but when it came to Nell, I'd never had it, but it bothered me more now that I knew she needed me.
"I tried calling this morning but she didn't answer. I don't know what to do, I want to give her the space she clearly needs but I'm worried sick that she's not coping. There's so much more to her family than I ever knew. I know how to deal with death but this is different, her dad did this. That's the part I'm struggling with. How do we get her through the death of her mum and everything with her dad? I don't know if she'll want to see him or what'll happen. Does she hope he'll get off or go down?"
"I think you're getting ahead of yourself, Chloe. Although those are things I've been asking myself. I just want to see her, to know what she wants and how I can help."
"I think we help by doing what she asks but it's hard because I don't want to stay away. I want her to cry on my shoulder, get angry and yell. God I just want something. She was there for me through everything with Jace and then Logan and it kills me that she won't let me do the same."
"I'm going over there," I said. Half the time Nell didn't know what she needed. She spoke about wanting to let people in then she pushed them away.
"Do you think that's a good idea?"
"I don't really care right now, Chlo. We can't sit around and wait for her to come to us because we'll be waiting for a fucking long time. She doesn't ask for help often."
She sighed. "That's true. Let me know how it goes, okay. Tell her I'm just a phone call away and I'll be stopping by tomorrow regardless of what she wants."
"I will. Speak later," I said and hung up.
Raking my hand through my hair, I groaned. It was time I went over there, I knew that, but I was still worried how she'd react. Worrying about Nell was a full-time job now and avoiding us was hers. She'd not been in contact with work since she'd called to let them know what was going on. No one knew if she was going back and I suspected she wasn't. Everything that'd happened had probably put a job she hated into perspective.
That then left money for her to worry about on top of everything else. She wouldn't take any from me, that I was sure of, and I didn't know if her mum had any kind of insurance that would help her financially until she got back on track.
Stepping into my shoes, I left my flat and drove to hers. Dealing with Nell was like walking a tight rope. I had to constantly figure out how much to push her, how far I needed to back off and when I needed to do it. I was exhausted just thinking about what to do when it came to her.
I parked outside her place and noticed the blinds were closed again. It was morning so it could just be because she was asleep but I had a feeling she was trying to keep out more than just the sun.
Walking to her door, I prepared myself for a fight just to get her to talk to me. If Nell didn't want to do something it was going to take a lot to get her to do it.
I knocked on the door and blew out a deep breath. Minutes later I was still met by silence.
"Nell," I called. "Come on, it's been two days and I'm not leaving until after you've let me in."
She would've heard me. Her whole building would've heard me. Now it was a battle of wills and I was not going to give up. If I had to wait here until she eventually left her place - which she'd have to do at some point - I'd do it.
"Nell!" I shouted, hammering on her door. "Open up!"
The door flew open and she scowled. "That the fuck are you doing?"
"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked. "You've been ignoring my calls and texts. Chloe's too. We're worried and frankly this shutting us out thing is getting old. If you need time that's fine but you can't just drop off the face of the earth and expect us not to worry. Take months if you need it but check in, give us something so we're not laying awake scared shitless that you're doing something stupid."
"I'm not going to top myself, Damon."
"How do we know that? You've never been one to over share but you've also never locked yourself away for days. We know nothing about how you're coping."
"I'm coping fine," she growled, gripping the edge of the door in her hand.
It didn't look that way. She was pale, her cheeks were sunken and her eyes were bloodshot and tired. "Are you?"
"Yes."
I pressed my palm on the outside of the door because she looked seconds away from slamming it in my face.
"Then let me in for a minute."
"What for? You asked if I was okay and I told you I am. You said you'd give me space if I want it."
I closed my eyes. She was hurting. The spark in her eyes was gone.
"Please. Please just let me come in for a minute," I said, defeated.
Couldn't she see how much I needed to take care of her?
Sighing in frustration, she stepped aside and opened the door. "Fine. Five minutes but I really don't know what difference it's going to make. I'm not drowning my sorrows in booze or shooting up in the bathroom. I just want to be alone, it's my way of dealing."
"I get that," I said, taking a look around. The place wasn't particularly messy but you could tell she'd not done any cleaning in a little while. It mostly looked like no one had been here, like she'd not done or used anything in the last few days.
"Do you want a drink?" She asked, slamming the door. Her whole demeanour was hostile and all she wanted was for me to leave, which was clear from the slight glare she'd had for me since she opened the door.
"A coffee would be great, thanks."
After pursing her lips, she nodded once. "Fine."
I followed her into the kitchen, fighting the urge to grin at her stomping
around.
"Have you spoken to Chloe about the funeral arrangements?"
I knew she hadn't, Chloe was getting concerned that if Nell didn't get in contact soon she'd have to choose things like her outfit, flowers, songs, and which coffin to buy herself. The venue for the wake and catering was something Chlo could take care of and she was, but the personal things should be selected by Nell.
She shrugged and flicked the kettle on. "I'll call her tomorrow, we have time."
There was longer than usual because the nature of her death required a post-mortem and the police were investigating the circumstances but time was still running out.
"Okay. If you want I can go with you to choose the outfit and to the funeral home."
Turning around, she licked her lips. "How am I supposed to decide that? Would my mum want casual clothes or something a little fancier? White coffin, light or dark wood? We never talked about stuff like that so tell me, how the hell am I supposed to choose?"
I walked closer to her and she shook her head, telling me to back up. Her eyes filled with tears. She could tell me to leave but it wasn't what she wanted. She wanted comfort.
"Damon, don't," she said sternly, giving me a warning look.
"Shh," I said, stopping right in front of her. I dipped my head and pressed my forehead against hers. "It's going to be okay. I'm here, baby, so you don't have to do it alone."
She gulped and closed her eyes, spilling tears. "No. Fuck. Damon, I need you," she whispered.
Fucking hell. Her words and the pain bleeding from each one of them cut me open.
"Everything's okay," I said, finally wrapping her in my arms. "I'm not going anywhere. Ever again."
Nell
Damon carried me into the living room and went back to make the coffee. I felt totally bare when I told him I needed him but strangely lighter too. He was willing to share the burden of what I had to deal with and the choices I needed to make. I loved him so much more for it.
"Thank you," I said when he'd finished covering me up on the sofa and making us drinks.
"How're you doing, babe."
Now that was a good question. "Some minutes are easier than others. I spoke to my dad's lawyer yesterday. He's pleading guilty."
"That's good, right? He's taking accountability for what he did."
"Good isn't the word I'd use but yeah, I'm glad he's accepting responsibility for his part. Not sure if that means he'll do time or not."
"I guess that's up to the judge. There's no point in you worrying about that now. It's out of your hands completely."
"Right. Except that he's my dad and I kind of can't help worrying. But I'm locking it away in a box until I have to deal with it... Until he's sentenced."
"Okay. Let's focus on your mum's funeral first, give her the goodbye she deserves."
He was right. I had to make sure Mum got a good send off and avoiding it was pointless. "A coffin. You'll come with me?"
"I'll text Chloe and get her to arrange going in later today or tomorrow. You cool with that?" He asked.
I took the mug off the coffee table and held it close. "Yeah, okay. Maybe ask her if she'll come with me to pick out my mum's outfit too? No offence, but I think she'll be more helpful."
He smiled, slung his arm over the back of the sofa and brushed his fingers through my hair. I leant into his hand and closed my eyes. Being on my own wasn't what I needed, it was him. When I opened my eyes he was watching me. I saw in his eyes what he felt for me and I no longer felt alone.
"You're probably right there. I'll text her now," he replied, pulling his phone out and typing slowly with his left hand while the right one cupped my jaw and stroked my skin.
"Thanks. Think she'll be annoyed with me for ignoring her."
He stopped tapping the screen and looked up. "No, definitely not. No one is annoyed, Nell, we're just worried and want to help. Chloe hates seeing you struggle through things alone, the same as me."
"I don't deserve either of you."
He clenched his jaw and gripped the phone. His fingers froze on the side of my face. "Don't ever say that again. What a person deserves isn't based on perfection or dealing with something in the most socially acceptable way. You deserve everything good that happens to you because you're a good person who struggles with life's shit the same as the rest of us."
I licked my lips. He was right, but I still didn't feel good enough. I'd hurt him and pushed him away. Maybe I deserved to be happy but right now I just felt guilt and loss.
Sipping my coffee, I watched Damon text Chloe with a smile on his face. No doubt he'd told her I let him in and she was pleased I'd ended my hermit stage.
"She said of course she'll choose an outfit with you and we can swing by this afternoon to pick out a casket. You okay with today?"
I wasn't really okay with ever doing it, but it needed to be done. "Today is good. Thank you for taking care of me...again."
He ran his hand from the back of my head, along my jaw and across my bottom lip. "I told you, anytime. Forever."
Forever. I liked the sound of that.
"Yeah...? You mean that after everything?"
"Our path to each other might not have been straight and smooth but the end result is the same and that's all that matters."
"Wow, who knew you could be all romantic," I teased, kissing the pad of his thumb.
"I'm practically cupid, baby."
I put my drink down and crawled into his lap. "Damon, I promise that from here on out whatever drama we go through won't be from me. Well, it might be, I can't actually promise that, but I mean that it won't be me legging it drama, okay?"
His arms tightened like a vice. "That's more than okay. You talk to me and if you need space you can have space. I can give you that but what I can't do is be shut out."
"You scare me."
He paled. "What?"
"I hurt you and you're sitting here like it never happened. I know a lot of other shit has gone down but that doesn't mean the past is healed. I'm scared that you'll resent me. Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't need to talk about it but if it'll put your mind at rest let's do it. Having you worry that I'm secretly pissed at you still isn't good for us."
"Us." My heart leapt in a good way. "Wow."
"Not us?"
I shook my head, paused, and then nodded. "There is an us..."
"Slowly?"
"Please."
"Right," he replied, smirking. "We'll take it slow."
"I'd very much like to do this properly? Like, old fashioned properly, not my version."
Pouting adorably, he pressed his head against mine. "I happen to like your idea of proper."
"So do I but I'm feeling kinda vulnerable here."
"How do we get you to feel as confident and comfortable as you were when we were just fucking?"
"Romance over," I muttered, making him laugh. "Dates and talking are both a good start. I've not done anything exclusive before, so I need to feel my way through this as we go."
"Feel whatever you want, baby."
I rolled my eyes. At least he didn't treat me any differently so I knew right now there was no resentment. "Thanks!"
"Aright. How about we get through your mum's funeral, make sure you're really okay, and then I'll take you out."
"Sounds good. Mahogany."
His eyebrows shot up. "Mahogany?"
"The coffin. Mum had God-awful mahogany furniture in a lot of the rooms. I think she'd want to be buried in that."
He grazed my lips in a soft kiss. "Okay, mahogany it is. I'm sure they'll have a good selection there."
Fuck, it was so surreal to choose the last thing someone you loved would rest in, something they'd be in for eternity. The pressure to get his right was ridiculously high. Mum wouldn't give a single fuck, she was gone, and her spirit or whatever, wouldn't stand around her grave scowling at the choice of coffin. But it was important. It was so important I wanted to run from it again. I wouldn't.
/> Enough running. It was time to face my problems, issues, and heartbreaks head-on. It was time for me to live.
Nell
Four days later, Damon still wanted us to be together and I was still all for it. But he seemed too keen for it to be real and I couldn't help worrying that he was still hurt from before. Because it was so fucking unlike me to worry when I'd been reassured...
I'd give anything to fix that broken wire in my brain so I could take what people said at face value.
Right now though, I had to bury my mum. It was something that I couldn't quite comprehend. She needed to be lowered into the ground and I had to accept that that was it. Letting go was hard. It was so sudden, and I still expected a call to invite me over for a Sunday roast.
Coming to terms with my mum's death was hard enough without trying to make a relationship work too. Christ, just going to the shop for milk was too much right now. Still, I was determined not to let her death consume me completely. She wouldn't want that. As crappy as a parent as she could be, I knew she loved me and wanted the best for me.
It had been six days, and I'd called work to let them know I would be back the Monday following my mum's funeral.
I left my bedroom still in my pyjamas and made a coffee. Without Damon to talk to and concentrate on I was left with my thoughts again. Thoughts like, did she know she was going to die? Was she scared? Was it really instant? Did Dad try to help her? How had their argument started? Who initiated it?
At nine there was a knock on my front door, and I knew it'd be Chloe. She'd done everything with the funeral, completely took care of it all because I couldn't. I was not looking forward to the funeral. I didn't know if Dad would be there. I knew he'd applied or whatever you had to do to ask permission when you were locked up, but I didn't know if he'd been given permission.
"Morning," Chloe said, tucking her brown hair behind her ears and then giving me a hug. "How are you?"
"I'm okay, come in. You want coffee? I just made a pot."
"Yeah, thanks," she replied and followed me into the kitchen. "Was yesterday with Damon okay? You didn't call."
I got her a mug and made her drink. "I was fine. We talked a lot."
"Yeah? That's great. We've been so worried."
"I know and I'm sorry for doing that."
"It's okay. Are you and Damon...?"