‘I fright de young lady,’ said he; and offered to withdraw; but she forbid him.
I sat not long with them; but went up to my closet. My heart ached all the time I was at table, being unable to look upon him without horror; and this brute of a woman, though she knew how great my distress was, before this addition to it, no doubt did it on purpose to strike more terror into me. And indeed it had its effect; for when I went to-bed, I could think of nothing but his hideous person, and my master’s more hideous actions. These thoughts so affected me, that I dreamed they were both coming to my bed-side with the worst designs; and jumped out of bed, waking in terror. Mrs Jewkes was alarmed. I told her my dream: the wicked creature only laughed, and said, All I feared was no more than a dream; and when it was over, and I was well awake, I should laugh at it as such. Was there ever such an abominable wretch?
And now I am come to the close of WEDNESDAY, the 27th day of my imprisonment
Poor Mr Williams is actually arrested, and carried away to Stamford.158 Unhappy man! his over-security and openness of heart have ruined us both! I was but too well convinced, that we ought not to have lost a moment’s time. But he was half angry, and thought me impatient: and then his fatal confessions, and the detestable artifice of my master! What will become of us both!
But one stratagem I have just thought of, though attended with this discouraging circumstance, that I have neither friends nor money, nor know one step of the way, were I actually out of the house. But let bulls, and bears, and lions, and tygers, and, what is worse, false, treacherous, deceitful man, stand in my way, I cannot be in more danger than I now think myself in: for I rely not upon his three weeks; since, now he is in such a rage, and has already begun his vengeance on poor Mr Williams, it is but too probable, that he may come down to Lincolnshire before he goes to London.
My device is this: I will endeavour to get Mrs Jewkes to go to bed before me; as she often does, while I sit locked up in my closet. Her first sleep is generally very sound, and the moment she drops into it, she never fails by snoring to give one notice of it. And if, on her doing so, I can but get out between the two bars of the window, (for you know I am very slender, and I have tried, and find I can get my head through) then I can drop upon the leads underneath, which are little more than my height. These leads are over a little summer parlour, which juts out towards the garden; and as I am light, I can easily drop from them; for they are not high from the ground: then I shall be in the garden; and shall not fail to make use of the key of the back-door, which I have, and so let myself out. But I have another piece of management still in store; good Heaven succeed to me my well-meant devices!
I have read of a great captain,159 who, being in danger, leaped overboard, into the sea; and his enemies, as he swam, shooting at him with bows and arrows, he unloosed his upper garment, and took another course, while they stuck that full of their darts and arrows; and he escaped, and lived to triumph over them all. So I will slip off my upper petticoat, and throw it into the pond, with my handkerchief; for it is likely, when they miss me, and cannot find me elsewhere, they will go to the pond, supposing that I may have drowned myself; and, when they see some of my clothes floating there, they will be all employed in dragging the pond, which is a very large one. I shall not, perhaps, be missed till the morning, and this will give me opportunity to get a great way off: and I am sure I will run for it when I am out. And so I trust that Providence will direct my steps to some place of safety.
O my dear parents! don’t be frighted when you come to read this! But all will be over before you can see it; and so God direct me for the best. My writings, for fear I should not escape, I will bury in the garden; for, to be sure, I shall be searched, and used dreadfully, if I can’t get off. And so I will close here, for the present, to prepare for my plot. Prosper thou, O Gracious Protector of oppressed innocence! this last effort of thy poor handmaid; that I may escape the crafty devices and snares that have begun to entangle me; and from which, but by this one trial, I see no way of escaping! And, Oh! whatever becomes of me, bless my dear parents, and protect poor Mr Williams from ruin! for he was happy before he knew me.
Just now, just now! I heard Mrs Jewkes, who is in her cups, own to the horrid Colbrand, that the robbing of poor Mr Williams was a contrivance of her’s, and executed by the groom and a helper, in order to seize my letters upon him, which they missed. They are now both laughing at the dismal story, which they little think I overheard. O how my heart akes! for what are not such wretches capable of?
Past Eleven o’Clock
Mrs Jewkes is come up, and gone to bed; and bids me not stay long after her. O for a dead sleep for the treacherous brute! I never saw her so much in liquor, and that gives me hopes. I have tried again, and find I can get my head through the iron bars. I am now all prepared. I hope soon to hear her fast;160 and now I’ll seal up these and my other papers, my last work, and to Providence commit the rest! Once more, God bless you both! and send us a happy meeting! if not here, in his heavenly kingdom! Amen.
THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY, SUNDAY, the 28th, 29th, 30th, and 31st days of my distress
And distress indeed! For here I am still! And every thing has been worse and worse! O the unhappy Pamela! Without any hope left, and ruined in all my contrivances! But do you, my dear parents, rejoice with me, even in this low plunge of my distress; for your poor child has escaped from an enemy worse than any she ever met with; an enemy she never thought of before, and was hardly able to stand against: I mean the weakness and presumption, both in one, of her own mind! which, had not the Divine Grace interposed, would have sunk her into everlasting perdition!
I will proceed, as I have opportunity, with my sad relation: for my pen and ink (in my now doubly-secured closet) is all I have to employ myself with: and indeed I have been so weak, that till yesterday evening, I have not been able to hold a pen.
I took with me but one shift, besides what I had on, and two handkerchiefs, and two caps, which my pocket held, (for it was not for me to encumber myself) and all my stock of money, which was but five or six shillings, to set out for I knew not whither; and got out of the window, not without some difficulty, sticking a little at my shoulders and hips; but I was resolved to get out, if possible. The distance from the window to the leads was greater than I had imagined, and I was afraid I had sprained my ancle; and the distance from the leads to the ground, was still greater; but I got no hurt considerable enough to hinder me from pursuing my intentions. So, being now in the garden, I hid my papers under a rose-bush, and covered them over with mould, and there I hope they still lie. Then I hied161 away to the pond: the clock struck twelve, just as I got out; and it was a dark misty night, and very cold; but I was not then sensible of it.
When I came to the pond-side I flung in my upper coat, as I had designed, and my handkerchief, and a round-eared cap, with a knot pinned upon it; and then ran to the door, and took the key out of my pocket, my poor heart beating all the time, as if it would have forced its way through my stays. But how miserably was I disappointed, when I found that my key would not open the lock! The wretch, as it proved, had taken off the old lock, and another was put on! I tried and tried before I was convinced it was so; but feeling about found a padlock on another part of the door; then how my heart sunk! I dropped down with grief and confusion, unable to stir for a while. But my terror soon awakened my resolution; for I knew that my attempt, if I escaped not, would be sufficient to give a pretence for the most outrageous insults from the woman; and for the crudest treatment from my master; and to bring him down the sooner to put his horrid purposes in execution; I therefore was resolved, if possible, to get over the wall; but that being high, had no other hope to do it, than by help of the ledges of the door, which are very strong and thick. I clambered up, therefore, upon them, and upon the lock, which was a great wooden one; and reached the top of the door with my hands; which shut not close to the wall; and then, little thinking I could climb so well, I made shift to lay hold on the
top of the wall with my hands: but, alas for me! nothing but ill luck! no escape for poor Pamela! The wall being old, the bricks I held by, gave way, just as I was taking a spring to get up; and down came I, and received such a blow upon my head, with one of the bricks, that it quite stunned me; and I broke162 my shins and my ancle besides, and beat off the heel of one of my shoes.
In this dreadful way, flat upon the ground, I lay, for I believe five or six minutes; and then trying to get up, I sunk down again two or three times. My left hip and shoulder were sadly bruised, and pained me much; and besides my head bled quite down into my neck, as I could feel, and aked grievously with the blow I had with the brick. Yet these hurts I valued not; but crept a good way upon my knees and hands, in search of a ladder I just recollected to have seen against the wall two days before, on which the gardener was nailing a nectarine branch, that was loosened from the wall: but no ladder could I find. What, now, thought I, must become of the miserable Pamela! Then I began to wish myself again in my closet, and to repent of my attempt, which I now censured as rash; but that was because it did not succeed.
God forgive me! but a sad thought came just then into my head!163 I tremble to think of it! Indeed my apprehensions of the usage I should meet with, had like to have made me miserable for ever! O my dear, dear parents, forgive your poor child! But being then quite desperate, I crept along, till I could raise myself on my staggering feet; and away limped I! What to do, but to throw myself into the pond, and so put a period to all my terrors in this world! But, oh! to find them infinitely aggravated in a miserable eternity! had I not by the Divine Grace been with-held.
As I have escaped this temptation, I will tell you my conflicts on this dreadful occasion, that the Divine mercies may be magnified in my deliverance; and in that I am yet on this side the dreadful gulph, from which there could have been no return.
It was well for me, as I have since thought, that I was so bruised as I was; for this made me the longer before I got to the water; and gave time for a little reflection, for a ray of grace to dart in upon my benighted mind; and so, when I came to the pond-side, I sat myself down on the sloping bank, and began to ponder my wretched condition; and thus I reasoned with myself:
Pause here a little, Pamela, on what thou art about, before thou takest the dreadful leap; and consider whether there be no way yet left, no hope, if not to escape from this wicked house, yet from the mischiefs threatened thee in it!
I then considered, and after I had cast about in my mind, every thing that could make me hope, and saw no probability; a wicked woman, devoid of all compassion! a horrid abetter just arrived in this dreadful Colbrand! an angry and resenting master, who now hated me, and threatened me with the most dreadful evils! and that I should, in all probability, be soon deprived even of the opportunity I now had before me, to free myself from all their persecutions! What hast thou to do, distressed creature, said I to myself, but to throw thyself upon a merciful God, (who knows how innocently thou sufferest) to avoid the merciless wickedness of those who are determined on thy ruin?
And then, thought I (and O that thought was surely of the devil’s instigation; for it was very soothing and powerful with me) these wicked wretches, who now have no remorse, no pity on me, will then be moved to lament their misdoings; and when they see the dead corpse of the miserable Pamela dragged out to these dewy banks, and lying breathless at their feet, they will find that remorse to soften their obdurate hearts, which, now, has no place in them! And my master, my angry master, will then forget his resentments, and say, ‘Alas!’ and it may be, wring his hands. ‘This is the unhappy Pamela! whom I have so causelessly persecuted and destroyed! Now do I see she preferred her honesty to her life. She, poor girl! was no hypocrite, no deceiver; but really was the innocent creature she pretended to be!’
Then, thought I, will he, perhaps, shed a few tears over the corpse of his persecuted servant; and, though he may give out, it was disappointment, and (in order to hide his own guilt) love for poor Mr Williams; yet will he be inwardly grieved, and order me a decent funeral, and save me, or rather this part of me, from the dreadful stake, and the highway interment:164 and the young men and maidens in my father’s neighbourhood will pity poor Pamela! But yet I hope I shall not be the subject of their ballads and their elegies, but that my memory, for the sake of my dear father and mother, may quickly slide into oblivion!
I was once rising, so indulgent was I to this sad way of thinking, to throw myself in: but again my bruises made me slow; and I thought, What art thou about to do, wretched Pamela? How knowest thou, though the prospect be all dark to thy short-sighted eye, what God may do for thee, even when all human means fail? God Almighty would not lay me under these sore afflictions, if he had not given me strength to grapple with them, if I will exert it as I ought: and who knows, but that the very presence I so much dread, of my angry and designing master, (for he has had me in his power before, and yet I have escaped) may be better for me, than these persecuting emissaries of his, who, for his money, are true to their wicked trust, and are hardened by that, and a long habit of wickedness, against compunction of heart? God can touch his heart in an instant: and if this should not be done, I can then but put an end to my life by some other means, if I am so resolved.
But how do I know, thought I, on the other hand, that even these bruises and maims that I have got, while I pursued only the laudable escape I had meditated, may not have been the means of furnishing me with the kind opportunity I now have of surrendering up my life, spotless and unguilty, to that merciful Being who gave it!
But then recollecting, Who gave thee, said I to myself, presumptuous as thou art, a power over thy life? Who authorized thee to put an end to it? Is it not the weakness of thy mind that suggests to thee that there is no way to preserve it with honour? How knowest thou what purposes God may have to serve, by the trials with which thou art now exercised? Art thou to put a bound to the Divine Will, and to say, ‘Thus much will I bear, and no more?’ And wilt thou dare to say, That if the trial be augmented and continued, thou wilt sooner the than bear it? Was not Joseph’s exaltation owing to his unjust imprisonment?165
If, despairing of deliverance, I destroy myself, do I not in effect, question the power of the Almighty to deliver me? And shall I not, in that case, be guilty of a sin, which, as it admits not of repentance, cannot be hoped to be forgiven? And wilt thou, to shorten thy transitory griefs, heavy as they are, plunge both body and soul into everlasting misery! Hitherto, Pamela, thought I, thou art the innocent, the suffering Pamela; and wilt thou, to avoid thy sufferings, be the guilty aggressor? How do I know but that the Almighty may have permitted these sufferings as trials of my fortitude, and to make me, who perhaps have too much prided myself in a vain dependence on my own foolish contrivances, rely wholly on his grace and assistance?
Then again, thought I, wilt thou suffer in one moment, all the good lessons of thy poor honest parents, and the benefit of their example, (who have persisted in doing their duty with resignation to the Divine Will, amidst the extreme degrees of disappointment, poverty, and distress, and the persecutions of merciless creditors) to be thrown away upon thee; and bring down, as in all probability this dry rashness will, their grey hairs with sorrow to the grave, when they shall understand, that their beloved daughter, slighting the tenders of Divine Grace, despairing of the mercies of a protecting God, has blemished, in this last act, a whole life, which those dear parents had hitherto approved and delighted in?
What then, presumptuous Pamela, dost thou here? thought I: quit with speed these perilous banks, and fly from these dashing waters, that seem in their meaning murmurs, this still night, to reproach thy rashness! Tempt not God’s goodness on the mossy banks, which have been witnesses of thy guilty purpose; and while thou hast power left thee, avoid the temptation, lest day grand enemy, now, by Divine Grace, repulsed, return to the assault with a force that thy weakness may not be able to resist! And lest thou in one rash moment destroy all the convictions, whic
h now have awed thy rebellious mind into duty and resignation to the Divine Will!
And so saying, I arose; but was so stiff with my hurts, so cold with the dew of the night, and the wet grass on which I had sat, as also with the damps arising from so large a piece of water, that with great pain I got from this pond, which now I think of with terror; and bending my limping steps towards the house, took refuge in the corner of an out-house, where wood and coals are laid up for family use: there, behind a pile of fire-wood, I crept, and lay down, as you may imagine, with a heart just broken; expecting to be soon found out by cruel keepers, and to be worse treated than ever I yet had been.
This, my dear father and mother, is the issue of your poor Pamela’s fruitless enterprize; and who knows, if I had got out at the back-door, whether I had been at all in a better case, moneyless, friendless, as I am, and in a strange place! But blame not your poor daughter too much: nay, if ever you see this miserable scribble, all bathed and blotted with my tears, let your pity get the better of your reprehension! But I know it will.
I must leave off for the present; for my strength and my will are at this time far unequal to each other. But yet I will add, that though I should have praised God for my deliverance, had I been freed from my wicked keepers, and my designing master; yet I have more abundant reason to praise him, that I have been delivered from a worse enemy– Myself!
I will continue my sad relation.
It seems Mrs Jewkes awaked not till day-break; and not finding me in bed, she called out for me; and no answer being returned, arose and ran to my closet. Finding me not there, she searched under the bed, and in another closet; having before examined the chamber-door, and found it as she had left it, quite fast, and the key, as usual, about her wrist. For if I could have stole that from her, in her dead sleep, and got out at the chamber-door, there were two or three passages, and doors to them all, double-locked and barred, to go through, into the great garden; so that there was no way to escape, but out of the window; and of that window I dropped from, because of the summer parlour under it; the other windows being a great way from the ground.