I feel it then. The break through, pain that shoots up my spine. I stiffen and gasp. It burns and feels like someone is stretching me wide. I knew it would hurt, but this badly? No.
Lucas has gone still above me, and when I dare to turn my face to his, he’s staring down at me, his eyes confused and a little concerned. “Tell me it’s just been a while since you’ve had a man,” he whispers, his voice clearly not wanting to make an appearance.
“Lucas . . .”
He jerks back, launching off me, and stands, panting, looking down at me. His cock is jutting upwards, looking strained, but he does nothing about it. He just watches me. “You’re a virgin.”
It isn’t a question.
“Does it matter?” I whisper.
He laughs bitterly, and it’s the first time I’ve heard something even close to a laugh leave his lips. “Does it matter? Fuck me, Ava, of course it fucking matters. What the hell are you doing, giving something that important to someone like me?”
I push up to my elbows. “I . . . I want to give it to you.”
“No, you think you want to.”
I frown. “Don’t tell me what I want, Lucas. I’m not a child. Whatever this is going on between us, I feel it and I want this. I want it to be you because you’re the first real thing to happen to me, and I don’t want to waste that.”
His face softens slightly and he stares at me, his eyes scanning my face. “You can’t take something like this back.”
“I don’t want to take it back.”
“Ava,” he says, his voice strained. “You’re going through a hard time; you can’t possibly know what it is you want.”
Anger bubbles up in my chest and I launch off the bed, throwing myself at him and shoving him so hard he takes two steps back. “You know what, Lucas Black? Screw you. I’m tired of you treating me like I have no fucking idea what it is I need. If you don’t want this, then don’t stand there and put it back on me. Man up and accept it.”
I go to step past him but his hand lashes out and catches me, curling around my belly and swinging me back around towards him. “Never said I didn’t want it,” he says, his voice low.
“I know what I want. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” I say, my voice softening slightly. “I want you inside me.” I look up at him. “I want you surrounding me. I want everything you can give because you’re the only person who understands me.”
His hand slides up my back, pulling me closer. “It’s your virginity, honey.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “It is, and it’s mine to give.”
His eyes flash and then he takes a deep breath before pulling me up into his arms, crushing his lips down over mine. He backs us up against the bed and gently lowers me down, kissing me softly, coaxing my body, preparing me. “There is nothing I can do to make this less painful,” he says, reaching down between my legs and stroking my pussy softly. “But I can go slow.”
“I don’t mind the pain if it’s coming from you.”
He groans and gently parts my folds, pushing a finger into my pussy. I gasp and squirm as pain shoots up my spine once more. He slowly pulls his finger out, before sliding it back in. He does this until the pain is slipping away, and something incredible is taking its place. Then he adds another finger, stretching, thrusting, until I’m bucking against him.
“This isn’t even close to how my cock is gonna feel in you, Ava, but I’m going to do everything I can not to hurt you.”
“I trust you,” I say, meeting his eyes. “I trust you, Luke.”
He flinches and his eyes close. He drops his forehead to mine. “Please . . . don’t call me that.”
“Why?” I whisper.
“Because it isn’t who I am anymore.”
“Then who are you, Lucas Black?”
He lifts his forehead from mine. “I’m yours.”
My heart flutters and I lean up, kissing him again. “Then show me.”
He does.
He removes his fingers from my depths and positions his body over mine once more. I prepare myself for the pain, and it comes. With every inch he pushes himself into me, the pain gets slightly worse. But he’s gentle. He’s soft and caring, and he soothes me with soft words as he guides his body into mine, letting me adjust to every inch.
When he’s inside me, really inside me, we both stop. My hands are resting on his back, his are up by my head and our eyes are locked. So much is passing between us, so much beauty, so much pain, so much that only we can understand. I think in that second that I’m falling in love with Lucas ‘Shadow’ Black.
And I’m completely okay with that.
“Going to fuck you now, baby.”
I nod, stroking his back as he starts to thrust, slow at first, working my body through the uncomfortable sting. That sting quickly turns into a slight throbbing and then a very light tingle. It doesn’t feel incredible, but it doesn’t hurt anymore either. I close my eyes and take it in, feeling every thrust, hearing every grunt, relishing in every stroke of his fingers.
“You feel so incredible,” he groans, nuzzling my neck. “Fuck, Ava.”
“Yes,” I whisper, feeling a light buzz of pleasure between my thighs. “God, yes.”
“I’m so deep, so fucking deep.”
“Please,” I mewl.
“Please what?”
“Please don’t stop.”
He doesn’t. He thrusts and glides until my body is arching, my nipples are hard and his body is coated in a fine sheen of sweat. He’s close, I can see it in his jaw, in the way his body has gone tense and the way his eyes have glazed over. The very idea that he’s finding so much pleasure in my body, in me, makes tingles break out across my skin.
“Are you . . . does it feel good?” I gasp.
“Baby, it feels fucking incredible,” he grinds out. “God, I’m going to come.”
He thrusts three more times and then drops his head into my shoulder and lets out a long gasp of air that’s mixed with a groan. His body shudders, and I feel his dick twitch deep inside me.
God.
Incredible.
His body goes slightly slack above mine and he drops his forehead down, resting it against my own. I look into his eyes and whisper, “That was exactly what I needed and more.”
He smiles, the first true, warm, easy smile he’s given me.
And it’s beautiful.
~*~*~*~
“Can I ask you a question?” I ask later that night, as I’m tucked into Lucas’s arms.
“Mmmm,” he murmurs, his fingers gliding through my hair.
“If you could choose how you were going to die, would you?”
He stops stroking and thinks on that a while, then in a gruff voice he says, “No.”
I blink. “You wouldn’t?”
“Nope.”
“How come?”
“I don’t think you’d ever truly be able to choose. If you could say how it was going to happen, it would give you too much control. The thing about dying is you never know when, you never know how—you just know that one day it’ll happen. It’s terrifying enough as it is, the very thought of no longer being here—imagine adding the option of deciding how that would be.”
He makes a good point.
“That’s true.”
“Would you, kid?” he asks, rolling, still keeping his arms around me. “Would you choose if you could?”
I shrug. “I guess I would, yeah. If you had asked me that a few months ago, I would have said no, but after seeing . . .” I trail off and look away.
Lucas reaches over and takes my chin, gently turning my face back to his. “Keep going.”
“After seeing Bethy—that was her name, you know—die . . . I wondered how something like that would feel. Did it hurt? Did she just disappear without any pain? I think that if I could choose, I’d go easily, simply, without any of that horror.”
“Life isn’t simple or easy, baby,” Lucas says, stroking his thumb over my bottom lip. “If i
t was, we wouldn’t be here.”
My smile wobbles, and I nod.
“My words won’t change how you feel about it all, I know that, but I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault. Any person, even the strongest of us, would weaken when faced with a choice like that. You might not believe it now—hell, you may never believe it—but I can assure you that you’re not a murderer, and it wasn’t your fault that happened.”
I stare into his eyes, and I know that he believes the words he’s saying. He doesn’t think I’m a murderer, and he doesn’t think what I did was awful or repulsive, but I just don’t know how I can ever feel that way. It doesn’t matter how much I try to reason with myself, I can’t ever seem to push the guilt from my chest.
Lucas’s phone rings on the bedside table and he sighs, rolling and taking it into his hand. He presses a button and puts it to his ear. “Yeah?”
He listens a moment. Then he grunts. “Fine. I’ll be there in twenty.”
He hangs up and turns to me. “Knew this night was too good to be true. I gotta go.”
“Work?” I ask.
“Just for something different.”
“Are you always on call?”
“Pretty much,” he says, sliding out of the bed. I catch a glimpse of his muscled ass as he leans down to find his jeans. He pulls them on and then stands. God, he looks good like that, standing there, his jeans unbuttoned, his big body strong and rippled, his hair mussed, and his eyes lusty. “If a lead for a case pops up, I’m there, like it or not.”
“That sucks,” I say, glancing down at his abs as he reaches for his shirt.
“Yeah,” he says, sliding it over his head.
I want to ask him if I’ll see him again, if this was just a one-night stand, if anything has changed, but I can’t bring myself to. It’s probably fear that the answer will be something I can’t handle, and that scares me. The best thing for me is to just pray and hope I’m not going to lose him, because I couldn’t cope.
He lifts his things and shoves them into his pockets, then he walks over to the bed again and leans down, curling a fist into my hair and bringing my forehead to his lips. He kisses me, lingering a while before pulling back just enough to catch my eyes. “I’ll call you later. Make sure you’re doin’ okay. Keep your alarm on, I’m goin’ to be looking into that fucker that caused you trouble, whether you like it or not.”
My breath gushes out with resignation and I nod.
“Later, honey.”
I smile softly. “Later, Detective.”
He grins.
I lied. I thought his smile was the most beautiful thing I’d seen.
No. His grin is.
CHAPTER 26
THEN – LUCAS
“Tell me when you last gave her drugs,” I bark, slamming the junkie against the cold brick wall.
“I-I-I don’t remember one person from the last,” he stammers.
“You’re fuckin’ lying,” I snarl, getting close. “I know for a fact you gave her drugs, and I wanna know when it was.”
“Listen, man, I don’t know her face. I swear.”
I pull him off the wall and then slam him back so hard his head cracks against the brick. “Stop fuckin’ lying to me,” I bellow.
“Okay,” he screeches. “I saw her a month ago. She came to me askin’ for a specific kind of drug. I gave it to her. End of story.”
“What drug?”
“It’s a new mix. Good stuff.”
“And where do you get this fuckin’ drug?”
“Can’t say, man. I’ll be killed.”
I pull out my gun and press it to his temple. “Trust me when I say I’ll fucking kill you if you don’t tell me.”
“Please,” he cries. “I didn’t do nothin’ wrong.”
“I beg to differ. Now answer the fuckin’ question or I’ll blow your brains out, and believe me, I’ll play it off as self-defense.”
His eyes widen, and I don’t know if he knows that I’m bluffing or not, but he quickly starts rambling. “Alls I know is that a member of the Hell’s Knights was sellin’ the drug. Don’t know if they made it themselves, but I know it’s where they started it. The girl was hooked because of them, and she came to me when they kicked her ass to the curb.”
They kicked her ass to the curb? Jackson said he didn’t see her, that she just left, but this guy is saying they gave her the boot. Something isn’t adding up.
“Are the Knights dealing around these areas?”
“Don’t know. Just know that drug is highly sought-after, and they’re sourcing it.”
“Thanks for the info,” I say sarcastically. “Now you and me are going for a little drive.”
“You said you’d let me go!” he bellows, squirming.
“Well,” I say, leaning in close with a grin, “I lied.”
~*~*~*~
I stand at the front fence of the Hell’s Knights compound, rattling the gate to make myself known. Five minutes later, Jackson, his VP, Cade, and a friend of theirs, Spike, come storming out. I cross my arms over my chest and wait for them to reach the fence. Jackson is furious, his eyes dark, his jaw tight. “What the fuck you doin’ here, Shadow?” he demands.
Shadow.
To say I’ve been on a rampage since Jenn went missing is an understatement. I’ve been digging into criminal worlds, tracking drugs, and finding out information. The nickname came from the club, because apparently I come in like a shadow and disappear as quickly as one. I have to be stealth; what I’m doing goes against the books, and I can’t risk losing my job over it.
“I spoke to a friend of yours last night,” I say, holding his eyes. “He told me about the drugs you’re makin’.”
Jackson growls, and Cade’s eyes narrow.
“I ain’t makin’ no drugs.”
“Really? ’Cause from what I hear, you’re mixing dangerous shit and hooking people.”
“Then your source is wrong,” he hisses.
“I’m never wrong. You have a connection to my missing wife, and so help me fucking god, I’ll die before I stop searching for that connection. You can either help me, or you can’t, but I won’t stop.”
“You best be careful, cop,” Jackson growls. “Your wish might just come true.”
“Which one?” I snap.
“The one about dying.”
We hold each other’s eyes. “I want no business in your fucking club, Jackson. I just want to know where my wife is. You’re makin’ shit harder than it has to be.”
“You’re a broken man that can’t let go,” he growls, “because if you stop doing this, you might actually have to face everything you’ve lost.”
I flinch, and his words hit me right in my soul, penetrating deep and causing an unwanted pain to resurface.
“In fact, I don’t even think you want to find your fuckin’ wife. I don’t think you truly care at all. You lost your daughter, and now you’re terrified of going back to a life without her so you’re clutching at straws, tryin’ to put my club in shit it has nothin’ to do with, just because you can’t face life.”
I lunge forward, curling my fingers around the barbed wire and snarling, “You don’t know a fuckin’ thing about me.”
“You want to believe my club has something to do with that woman disappearing, and you’re not goin’ to consider anything else.”
“You were the last fuckin’ people to see her. She was screwing one of your members. Don’t tell me there’s no fuckin’ information,” I roar.
He leans close. “There is no information. Whatever she got herself into, was on her, not us. We gave her no fuckin’ drugs.”
“Then explain your name comin’ up,” I grind out.
“You want my name to come up, Shadow, and if you want it bad enough, you’re goin’ to find any excuse to get it. I have enemies, I won’t lie, but I’m not makin’, dealin’ or handlin’ drugs.”
Pointless. So fuckin’ pointless.
He won’t give me what I want.
So I’ll keep digging.
I’ll never stop.
CHAPTER 27
NOW – AVA
“Stop it.” I laugh, throwing a grape at Danny. He ducks with a grunt, and then launches himself up and throws an apple at me. I duck to the side, my eyes wide, and screech, “Dude, that could have killed me.”
He snorts. “No, it couldn’t. Don’t be a fuckin’ sissy.”
“Leave her alone, D,” Skye says, watching this little exchange. “She’s going to kick your ass.”
Danny grins at her. “Like to see her try.”
“Now now, kids,” Mom says, walking into the room with Dad standing beside her, his arm slung around her shoulders. “Stop throwing fruit.”
“He started it,” I say, jerking a thumb a Danny.
“And I’m sure you didn’t mind playing.” Dad grins at me.
“You know me too well, old man.”
He winks at me. I smile. I don’t care what Lucas says; my dad isn’t at fault here.
“Yo!” Spike says, walking into the room with Mercy by his side. “What’s happenin’?”
We’re at the compound, having a cookout. I haven’t been to one since the last and that didn’t end so well after Bethy’s dad came in and made a scene.
“Go and get the beer,” Dad says, tossing the keys at Spike. “Stop bein’ so fuckin’ lazy.”
Spike flips Dad the bird, and then turns to Mercy. “Stay here, squirt. You leave, and I’ll kick your ass. And you know your old man don’t wanna do that.”
Mercy narrows her eyes at him and crosses her arms. “Can I at least find Max and have some decent conversation?”
He studies her. “He got a phone?”
“Dad!” she snaps, crossing her arms. “I’m leaving to college in a week, which means you don’t get to keep treating me like I’m five!”
“You sneakin’ out, doin’ shit behind my back is askin’ for me to treat you like you’re five.”
She shakes her head and storms out. When she’s gone, Spike sighs and looks over to Danny. “Go and make sure your sister doesn’t borrow someone’s phone to do whatever the fuck she’s been doin’.”