“I’m a cop; I’m also not stupid. What did you give her? You tell me and I let you walk, or I can arrest you, but considering I’m off-duty, I’d rather not.”
Tony gapes, then turns suddenly and runs through the crowd. Lucas sighs but doesn’t go after him. I guess he figures it isn’t worth the chase. I laugh.
“You,” Lucas says, looking at me. “Let’s go.”
“I’m fine here, thanks.”
“Now, Ava,” he warns.
“I’m sorry, who made you boss?”
He takes my arm and pulls me to the bar, leaning over it. “She owe you anything?”
“No.”
Then he turns and pulls my stumbling form out of the bar. I find myself in his car again. I reach for the radio, but his voice instantly stops me. “Don’t touch that, kid.”
He starts driving, and I glance at him. Such a gorgeous man. I can’t help myself. I reach over and stroke my fingers over the bulging muscle on his jaw. “You’re very pretty, Detective.”
“If that’s your idea of a compliment, please don’t.”
I run my fingers down over the stubble and to the corner of his lips. He’s tense the entire time, but he makes no move to stop me. “Are you in love right now, Lucas?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“A logical one.” I laugh.
“No, Ava, I’m not. Now, put your hand down so I can concentrate on driving.”
“Don’t you liked being touched?”
His jaw muscle jumps beneath my fingers.
“I don’t like being touched by drunk females.”
“If I wasn’t drunk”—I grin—“would you like it then?”
“No, kid.” He sighs.
“You know what I think, Detective?” I say, removing my hand. “I think you’d have dimples if you smiled.”
“Ava,” he says, his voice resigned.
“Mmmm?”
“Stop talkin’.”
“Okay, Lucas.”
“Okay, kid.”
I press my cheek against his window and fall asleep smiling.
CHAPTER 13
THEN – LUCAS
I clutch her shirt to my face and I cry, I cry harder than I’ve ever cried in my life. It’s the first time in three months I’ve come into this room, and everything was as she left it. Her little drawings. Her little clothes. Her smell. Her. I breathe the shirt in, and my body trembles with every sob. I don’t hear Jennifer approach; I just feel her arms go around me.
“I’m sorry, Luke.”
I cry harder, pained bellows leaving my throat.
“I’m so sorry.”
I clutch my daughter’s shirt until there are no more tears left in my body. Everything hurts. Everything fucking hurts. I lift my head and look over to my wife, who looks awful. Did I do this to her? Is it my fault she’s like this? I reach over, cupping her face. She turns into me, her eyes broken and drawn out.
“We have to stop,” I croak, my voice hoarse.
“We have to stop.”
“No more wallowing, no more locking ourselves away, no more drinking and no more drugs.”
“No more,” she sobs.
“I’m sorry, baby,” I groan, pulling her into my arms. “So fucking sorry.”
“You were hurting. I understand.”
“Not an excuse. Never an excuse. She wouldn’t want this for me. She’d want me to honor her memory instead of torturing it by sinking myself.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do. Honor her.”
“I don’t know how life is going to go on. I just don’t know . . .”
She holds me tight. “It’ll never go on, Luke. It’ll just get easier.”
I hope she’s right.
~*~*~*~
“You’re still doing drugs,” I say two weeks later, watching Jennifer walk around the house, a spring in her step.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says, happily cleaning the counters, way too chirpily considering she hates cleaning. “I gave that up weeks ago.”
“Don’t lie to me, Jenn,” I mutter, stopping her, curling my finger around her arm. “I’ve gone back to work. I’ve fought to pick myself up; you promised you would, too.”
“And I am, Luke. You’re overreacting.”
She’s lying to me. I know she is. I just don’t know how to deal with it.
“Jenn,” I warn. “Don’t do this.”
Her eyes flash, and she crumbles slightly. “It’s not easy to stop, Luke. You don’t understand.”
“No, I don’t, but you asked me pull myself out of this darkness. I’m asking you as well.”
She starts to cry, and I put my arms around her, holding her tight, trying to be the husband I promised to be. My emotions are all over the place. I’m trying to remember the love I have for her, but everything in my chest is breaking. My arms around her are there almost as if they know they need to be, but not because I want them to be.
I really don’t know that I’ll ever be able to find comfort again, let alone give it.
And that fucking scares me.
CHAPTER 14
NOW – AVA
I wake with a groan, pressing a palm to my forehead. I have a headache, which is unusual. What the hell did I do last night? I sit up in my bed and mumble a curse as I throw my legs over the side and rub my temples. I try to remember what happened the evening before, but it’s a little hazy. I remember Tony, and Lucas . . . oh man. Lucas found me at the bar. What the hell was he even doing at the bar?
“You’re alive.”
I jerk back with a scream and look up to see Lucas standing at my door, coffee mug in hand. I blink a few times. Rewind. Did . . . did . . . oh man . . . did I sleep with him?
“No,” he answers, as if reading my thoughts. “I brought you home. You passed out in bed.”
I glance down. I’m wearing what I was wearing yesterday. Thank god. I exhale. “And you stayed?”
He walks in, putting the coffee down beside me. He smells fresh and clean, and god, he looks so good in the morning. “You live with nobody; I wasn’t going to leave you here alone.”
Thank god dad’s patrols didn’t catch him bringing me in. All hell would have broken loose.
“Right,” I murmur. “And why exactly were you at the bar last night?”
“For the reasons you think. I was checkin’ on you.”
I meet his eyes. “And why would you do that?”
“Because I don’t like to watch you hurt yourself any more than you’re already hurting.”
I flinch. His eyes hold mine, unforgiving. “I’m sorry you had to do that,” I mutter.
“You were given drugs last night, Ava. It’s a good thing I was there.”
I flinch. “Drugs?” I ask.
“Yes, I suspect ecstasy. It’s why you probably felt different.”
He’s right; I did feel different, so different. My chest clenches, and I stare at the floor. I was given drugs? This should bother me, but the remembrance of being carefree for a small moment isn’t scaring me—it’s calling me.
“Well, I didn’t take them willingly.”
“Would you have?” he asks, and I jerk.
I don’t even want to ask myself that question, because I’m afraid as hell of the answer.
“No,” I snap.
“I know shit is hard,” he says, but I raise a hand and cut him off.
“Why are you here, Lucas? I’m not your pity case. I’m doing just fine on my own.”
“Are you?” he snaps. “It doesn’t fuckin’ seem like it to me.”
“What does it matter to you?” I yell, throwing up my hands. “I’m not your problem, so go home and stop making me your problem.”
He takes two long strides towards me, his eyes alight, his mouth tight. When he reaches the bed, he drops forward, placing both hands down on the mattress so his face is close to mine. “I found a girl, desperate, broken, having seen something nobody should see. She proceeded to lie to me—”
&nb
sp; “I didn’t lie!” I cry.
“Do not interrupt me,” he growls. “You lied to me. Whether you’re willing to admit that is neither here nor there; I know the truth. You then promised, your eyes on mine, that you wouldn’t drown—that you’d fight. You lied again. Now you’re drinking yourself into oblivion, and you have the audacity to tell me not to pity you? I do pity you, Ava, because I know how fucking awful it feels to have nobody.”
With that, he launches himself off the bed, turns and strides out.
“Yeah,” I mutter to myself. “Well fuck you too, Shadow.”
~*~*~*~
“Shift over, princess.”
I glance up from the swing I’m sitting in at the compound, staring out. Everyone’s laughing and having a good time at the cookout. Cade stands before me, holding two beers. I smile up at him. “Hey there, bro.”
He grins and hands me a beer. I graciously take it and slowly drink, not wanting to let him see how quickly I need the cold liquid to slide down my throat. “What’re you sitting over here alone for?”
I shrug. “Just thinking.”
“About . . .?”
I glance at him. “Nothing in particular.”
“C’mon, don’t lie to me. I can read you like a fuckin’ book, Ava.”
“And you’re not my father, Cade, so, not to be rude, but I don’t have to share everything with you.”
He grunts. “You coping with everything?”
“Yes,” I mutter.
“Then why do you look like someone has just told you your best friend died?”
I look away, staring out at the house.
“Ava?”
“Cade, please,” I whisper. “I just want to cope in my own way. You care, I know you do, and I love you for that, but please . . .”
“Not goin’ to push you, princess. If you’re anything like your sister, you’ll probably clock me in the guts.” He reaches out and puts a hand on mine. “But I want you to know I’m here, all the same.”
I smile, and it wobbles. He smiles back. It’s no wonder Addi loves him so much. I don’t blame her.
“Yo, Cade,” Dad says, approaching. “Scoot off and let me sit with my girl.”
Cade grumbles something and stands. Five seconds later, Dad sits down. We both stare out at everyone laughing and having fun.
“You’re not coping.”
I flinch. “Dad,” I whisper.
“See it in your eyes. You get the same look your momma gets when she’s sad.”
“I’m fine, Dad,” I lie. “I just . . . it was a big deal, and I’m still coming to terms with what I saw.”
“First time you see something like that, it fucks with your head. If I could have protected you from that, Ava, I would have. I never . . .” His voice, so pained, so broken.
I shift closer and curl into him. He lifts his arm and wraps it around my shoulder. “It isn’t your fault, Dad.”
“My mess my daughter got caught up in.”
“And I’ll be okay. I promise.”
He sighs, squeezing me.
“Is . . . is the mess cleaned up?” I dare to ask, even though I know he won’t tell me. I know the rules better than anyone.
“Can’t talk to you about that, baby girl.”
I turn and breathe him in a little, needing his comfort. The demons in my head are having a party, and I’m not coping. Not at all. I’m thinking about the nameless girl I allowed to die. I’m thinking about Lucas. I’m thinking about my next drink and wondering if I can find drugs to take the edge off. That scares me. So much.
“Did you find him . . .?”
“No, but you’re safe.”
I nod, swallowing.
“I’ll find him, Ava. Don’t doubt it.”
“I know, Daddy.”
“There you two are!”
We look up to see Ciara smiling as she nears. “Jacks, Spike needs help with the grilling.”
“Is he burning that shit again? Who gave him control?” Dad mumbles.
Ciara laughs, the pretty sound travelling through the air.
Dad turns, pressing a kiss to my temple. “Later, baby.”
“Later, Dad.”
He stands and disappears, barking something at Spike who flips him the bird. I smile.
“How you doing there, kiddo?” Ciara asks.
I smile up at her. “I’m good.”
“That’s good.”
She flashes me a smile, and then leaves me to it. I sit while the smells of brats and burgers fill my nose. My stomach grumbles, and I take another sip of beer, trying to ease the desperate twitch in my body. I want to drink more. It’s all I can think about. I have a problem. I know I do. I just don’t know how else I can cope.
“Jacks,” someone yells. “You got a visitor.”
I turn my face to see a large handsome man storming into the compound. I’ve never seen him before. He’s got blond hair and is well-muscled and tall. Dad glances his way, and his face scrunches up. I watch as he drops what he’s doing and walks towards the man, both of them stopping before the group of people.
“What’re you doing here? This is a family gathering. You know we conduct business elsewhere.”
Mom stands by Dad’s side now, her arm curled around his bicep, gently coaxing.
“I want answers!” the man barks. “I’ve given you time to find him; you’re not living up to your end of the deal. I want him dead, Jackson. He took my baby girl.”
I flinch.
Suddenly I know exactly who he is. It’s her father. The nameless girl. The girl I killed. Vomit rises in my throat, and I stand with shaky legs. The man notices me and his face changes. “You!”
I stop moving, my entire body turning to ice. He storms towards me, not angry, but desperate. When he stops in front of me, he stares down, and he’s panting. I can see the pain in his eyes. He’s broken.
“Tell me what happened in there. Tell me. No one will tell me what happened to my Bethy.”
At the sound of her name, finally hearing it, I flinch and step back.
“Leave my daughter be,” Dad growls, barging in and stepping in front of me.
“I just want answers. She was there,” the man roars. “I just need to know what happened to my baby. It’s killing me. She was my only child. I’m fucking dying. I need to know.”
His eyes find mine. I’m frozen.
His only child.
Fucking dying.
I start to pant.
“She is damaged enough from the ordeal. She doesn’t need your pressure.”
“Please,” the man begs. “Please tell me what happened to her.”
“I . . .” I croak.
“Did she suffer? Did she feel anything? Was she scared?”
Tears well in my eyes, and I can’t breathe.
“Did he hurt her? Was she okay?”
Kill her. Let me live. Please. I have a family. I don’t want to die.
I press a hand to my chest as the images of her brains coating the walls of the room fill my mind. I gasp.
“Enough,” Dad roars. “You get the fuck out of here and wait until I call you.”
“She knows,” the man cries, his voice so broken. “She knows what happened to my Bethy. I just want a fucking answer.”
“She doesn’t know,” Dad barks. “You have five seconds to leave.”
“Just answer me,” the man bellows in my face.
People move quickly after that. Cade, Spike and Muff take the man and drag him out, bellowing. Dad turns to me. His hand cups my face, but I can’t breathe, I can’t hear—everything is exploding inside me. I take a step back and gasp, “I need to . . . go.”
“Baby.”
“Please,” I rasp. “I need to go.”
“Ava, honey, it’s okay,” Mom tries.
I turn, and I run. I run with all my might. Danny calls out for me and Skye tries to follow me, but I don’t stop until I hit my car. I throw myself in and with shaky hands, turn on the ignition. Tears tumble do
wn my cheeks as I skid out of the parking lot to the compound. Memories assault my mind, and by the time I arrive at the bar, I’m trembling and an emotional mess.
I rush inside, throwing down a fifty. The bartender gives me tequila and I drink it, shot by shot, but it doesn’t ease the pain exploding in my heart. My hands shake so hard I knock a shot off the bar and it smashes all over the floor. I skid off my chair, not hearing the bartender curse at me, and rush to a seedy group of men sitting in the corner. They’ll have what I need. I’m sure of it.
“Well hey there, pretty lady.” One grins.
“I’m not here to talk. I want ecstasy.”
Their eyes widen.
“What’s a pretty thing like you lookin’ for that kind of thing for?” a man asks, glancing around as if he’s making sure no one is listening.
“Have you got it or not?” I snap, trembling.
He nods. “Meet me in the bathroom.”
He disappears, and five minutes later, I follow him. When we’re in the male bathroom, he tucks me into a corner and pulls a white pill from his pocket. “How much?” I say, my entire body shaking.
He gives me a price. I toss the cash at him, snatch the pill and shove it in my mouth. I use some water from the tap to swallow it down, and then I run out of the bar. My phone is ringing over and over. I pull it from my purse and throw it with a cry. It slams against a brick wall and smashes. I drop to my knees and sob. I sob so hard my chest burns. I stay like that until the easy rush of the drug enters my system.
Then I stand.
And I start to walk.
CHAPTER 15
NOW – AVA
I have no idea where I’m headed until I stop at the police station, my entire body loose, my mind a fuzzy mess. I push the front door open and see Amelia sitting at the desk, picking her nails. When I enter she looks up, and her eyes widen. I walk over, pressing my palms to the counter. “Is Lucas here?”
She blinks. “Detective Black? You want to see him?”
Black. Lucas Black. It fits him perfectly.
“Yes, I want to see him.”
“Does he know you’re coming?”
I slap my hand on the desk. “No, of course not.”
She jerks back and stands, scowling at me, then she storms down the hall. I walk over to the seats and flop down, staring at my shoes. They’re really very pretty. I wiggle my feet and flex them up and down. Nice.