Where the fuck is it? I swear there was a copy in here.
“Sweetie, what are you looking for?”
Glancing up from the mess I’ve made on the top of the desk, I sigh, slamming the drawer closed. “I need something for my new job.”
“Oh, no! Did you get fired from The Gap? Were you trying on all the clothes naked again? I told you they were going to be angry about that.”
Geez, you have one runway show after hours and everyone loses their shit.
It’s not my fault I didn’t realize they had security cameras in the storage room. And really, they should have used that footage for a commercial. I worked the SHIT out of those boxer briefs and scarves.
“No, this time it wasn’t my fault. They claim my birth certificate is a fake. Can you believe that? As if,” I complain with a roll of my eyes. “I got hired at Seduction and Snacks. I start tomorrow and need to take a non-fake copy in.”
My mom and dad look at each other nervously, sharing some silent communication shit before my dad hefts himself out of the sink.
“I think it’s time, Donna,” my dad tells her, grabbing a towel from the counter and wiping the shaving cream off of his legs.
“You’re right. It’s time for me to make dinner. Who wants meatloaf?” she asks with fake enthusiasm.
My dad grabs her arm before she can make it to the fridge, turning her to face him. I watch in confusion as he whispers a few words to her before they both turn to face me.
“Tyler, I think you should sit down,” my dad begins.
“Dude, this isn’t the end of the world,” Gavin tells me as I continue splashing cold water on my face in his bathroom.
I showed up at his and Charlotte’s apartment twenty minutes ago and have been in the bathroom the entire time trying to calm the fuck down.
“Not the end of the world? NOT THE END OF THE WORLD? I don’t know who I am! I don’t know where I came from. I’VE LOST MY IDENTITY!” I scream, shutting off the water and reaching blindly for a towel.
My hand brushes up against one and I quickly bring it to my face, wiping off the water that drips down my lips and chin.
“Oh shit, I wouldn’t use that towel if I were you,” Gavin mumbles.
I ignore him, scrubbing every inch of my face, hoping that maybe I can rub away the memory of the words my mother spoke to me.
“Tyler, your father isn’t really your father. I, um… I don’t actually know who your real dad is,” my mom admitted. “I really wanted a baby and I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time, so I went to a sperm bank. Also, when I say I wasn’t seeing anyone, I mean I wasn’t serious with anyone. I was still having lots of sex.”
“Son, what your mother is trying to say is that she was sexually adventurous in her twenties,” my dad added with a smile.
“If we’re going to be honest with him, we might as well do it right,” my mom cut in. “Tyler, I was a slut. Like, a really big one. I was young, though, and that’s what you’re supposed to do – sow your wild oats. I also went through a short lesbian phase, but that’s beside the point.”
I sank down into one of the chairs at the kitchen tabled and stared at them. “How in the hell did this happen?”
“Well, I picked out the sperm I wanted and then the doctor had me get on the table with my feet in the stirrups. Then he took a thing that looked like a turkey baster and shoved it up my-”
“NO! JESUS CHRIST, NO! Not that part! How the hell don’t you know who my father is if you used a sperm bank? Don’t they keep a record of that shit?” I asked in confusion.
“Well, normally that would be helpful, but I also had a foursome that same week. I’m pretty sure one of them was a woman I met in the food court of the mall, but the other two guys – no clue. I always made my partners bag it up, but something must have leaked because I found a little jizz in my-”
“MOM!” I screamed at her, shaking my head in disgust.
“Sorry, sweetie. Since sperm can live in a woman’s vagina for up to five days, I can’t be certain if it was donor sperm or…” my mom trailed off before glancing over at my dad with love in her eyes.
“Anyway, I met your father when you were a couple of months old and he adopted you. Sort of. We actually never filed the paperwork, but we made a very convincing copy of a birth certificate for you in Photoshop.”
My dad walks over to me and pats me on the back. “I think the best thing for us to do right now would be to sit down and talk about what we’re feeling. I’ll start. I’m feeling relieved that this is all finally out in the open.”
“I’m feeling like I want to puke all over this fucking floor!” I shouted.
My mom walked over to me and put her arm around my shoulder. “That’s it. Let it all out, sweetie.”
“Seriously dude, give me that thing,” Gavin says, interrupting my thoughts.
I pull the towel away and glare at his reflection in the mirror. He’s standing behind me with a look of disgust on his face and his hand out.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? I just found out that my mom was a slut and has no idea who my dad is and all you’re worried about is your precious towel?” I ramble, my voice getting that hysterical squeak to it. “What’s wrong? Is this one of Charlotte’s ‘good’ towels, reserved for guests or some shit? Fuck, are you pussy whipped.”
Gavin shakes his head at me and tries reaching over my shoulder to take the towel. I snatch it away and turn to face him.
“What is your fucking deal? It’s a Goddamn towel!” I yell.
“Yeah, it’s a jizz towel, dude.”
I look at him in confusion, glancing down at the towel and back up at him when what he said finally sinks in. He’s biting his lip and I can’t tell if he’s trying not to laugh or if he’s trying to think of a way to run out of here as fast as he can.
“Hey, what are you guys doing in the bathroom?” Charlotte asks, suddenly appearing in the doorway. “Oh, my God! Did you just use that towel, Tyler?”
I quickly throw the towel away from me like it’s on fire and it lands in the toilet.
“Dammit, don’t throw it in the toilet, you’ll ruin it!” Charlotte scolds.
“I’m pretty sure you ruined it by putting jizz on it!” I scream. “Why the fuck would you leave a jizz towel on the sink where anyone could use it?”
Charlotte shoulders past us and uses the tips of her fingers to pull the towel out of the toilet and then tosses it into the sink.
“I’d never use it. I knew it was a jizz towel,” Gavin replies with a shrug.
“Oh, my God! I scrubbed my fucking face with a towel that had your dry, crusty jizz on it!”
I can’t believe this is happening right now. My mom had a foursome, my dad isn’t my dad and now I have jizz face. Moving as fast as I can, I jump into the shower and turn on the water, not even caring that I’m fully clothed.
“Do you want us to leave so you can take your clothes off?” Charlotte asks, as the water rains down on me, soaking my t-shirt and jeans.
“I am NOT taking my clothes off. There could be trace particles of jizz on them! I’m going to have to burn these clothes!” I complain.
I keep my face under the scalding hot water, taking in large mouthfuls, swishing and then spitting on the shower floor.
“Eeeew, don’t spit in our shower!” Charlotte scolds.
“I HAVE GAVIN’S JIZZ ON MY FACE! I WILL SPIT WHEREVER THE FUCK I WANT!”
Gavin grabs Charlotte’s arm and pulls her towards the door. “How about we just give you a few minutes alone? We’ll be out in the living room. There are clean towels under the sink.”
I give him a dirty look when he mentions towels.
“Any and all jizz that was previously on those towels has been washed off, I swear,” Gavin adds before exiting the room and closing the door behind him.
With a sigh, I stand under the water until it starts to get cold.
“I can’t believe you’re making me do this. I don’t want to see him,” I
complain, flopping down on the couch.
“Stop being a bitch to him for two seconds. Tyler is having a really bad day and he could really use some support.”
I bristle a little when she calls me out for being a bitch to Tyler. I mean, I know I can generally be a difficult person and I know that sometimes I’m not very nice to Tyler, but I don’t think I’m a bitch when it comes to him, am I? He gives as good as he gets, so it never feels like I’m truly being horrible to him. Now that I think about what’s going on his life, I actually feel bad for him.
Charlotte called me earlier and told me that Tyler showed up at her and Gavin’s house having a meltdown because he found out his dad wasn’t really his dad. I feel sorry for him, really I do. I just know that if I’m anywhere near him, I’m going to want to have sex with him. It’s like a sickness. I think I need a Tyler Twelve Step Program. Or shock therapy.
“Fine. What’s the plan? And where is he anyway?” I ask.
“He sort of jumped into the shower fully clothed. Gavin is getting him some dry clothes to put on. We don’t really have a plan other than getting him drunk to cheer him up. I wouldn’t normally suggest this, but maybe you could throw him a bone. Give him a little action. That would make him really happy,” Charlotte suggests.
“I’m sorry, but did I just enter the fucking Twilight Zone? You can’t stand Tyler! You’ve been telling me for months that I need to stay away from him,” I remind her.
“I know, I know. It’s just…I’ve never seen him like this. I feel awful for him. I know I told you I’d help you find a new guy, but maybe we should hold off on that for right now. Tyler really likes you and it might push him over the edge. I already called and cancelled your blind date for tonight.”
Great. Now that my sister is on Team Tyler, I’m never going to be able to quit him.
With a sigh, I get up from the couch and head into the kitchen. I start opening cupboards and pulling out bottles of liquor, lining them up on the counter. If we’re going to do this, we’re doing it right. Maybe if I get Tyler drunk enough, he’ll act like an idiot and I won’t be tempted to rip his clothes off.
“I don’t think I understand the game of this object. The game of this game. Fuck! I don’t think I should have any more vodka,” Charlotte slurs.
I’ve lost count of how many shots we’ve taken in the last hour. We decided to watch The Kardashians and take a drink every time one of them said ‘like’. Gavin is trying to get us to play a different game now.
I watch from my spot on the loveseat as Charlotte curls into Gavin’s side on the couch and he wraps his arm around her, pulling her close. Looking over at Tyler sitting on the floor in front of them with his chin resting on the coffee table, I wonder what it would be like to have the kind of relationship that Charlotte and Gavin have. They’re so in love it’s disgusting, but it’s also kind of nice. They always have someone to talk to and lean on. They have a best friend in each other and someone to come home to every day. Maybe I’ve been too hard on Tyler.
“I think we should play ‘Ava lets Tyler stick it in her ass’!” Tyler shouts excitedly.
Never mind.
“Exit only, moron,” I remind him.
“I let Gavin have anal. You should try it, Ava. It’s gooooooood,” Charlotte says with a laugh.
I can’t help but cringe. Seriously, there are just some things you should not know about your sister.
“See? Charlotte likes it. You should give it a try. Gavin, can we borrow your bedroom and a stick of butter?” Tyler asks, looking over his shoulder at Gavin.
“What the hell do you need butter for?” Gavin replies.
“Um, duh, for lube.”
Gavin reaches for the bottle of vodka on the coffee table and pours four shots. “Moving right along. Okay, here’s how this game works. Someone starts off by saying a phrase. It can be anything you want, no more than a couple of words. Everyone else has to scream that phrase as loud as they can without laughing. If you laugh, you take a shot.”
“This sounds too easy and like no one will be drinking the rest of the night,” I tell him.
“That’s what you think. I am the master of this game,” Tyler adds. “I’ll go first.”
The room is silent while he sits there thinking for a few minutes.
I’m about ready to complain that he’s taking too long and my buzz is wearing off when he suddenly says, “Dick nipples.”
We all stare down at him and then at each other, before we scream at the top of our lungs.
“DICK NIPPLES!”
Charlotte is the first to lose it, naturally. She starts laughing hysterically before she even gets to the word nipples.
“Down the hatch, baby!” Gavin tells her with a laugh, handing her a shot.
She tosses it back, half of it dribbling down her chin.
“Alright, since Charlotte lost, it’s her turn,” Tyler tells her, getting up from the floor and walking over to the loveseat. He sits down next to me, resting his arm on the back of the couch, his fingers brushing my shoulder.
It could be the vodka, but I suddenly feel really warm. I move as far away from him on the cushions as I can, but there’s not very far for me to go. Who the fuck made loveseats so small? I can’t really get up and move without letting him know he has some sort of effect on me.
Fuck you, hormones.
“ANGRY UTERUS!” Charlotte suddenly yells.
“Seriously, that’s what you’re going with?” I ask her. “And I don’t think you’re the one who is supposed to shout it.”
“ANGRY UTERUS, ANGRY UTERUS, ANGRY FUCKING UTERUS!” she screams, bouncing up and down on the couch excitedly.
Once again, we all look at each other before shouting it back. This time, Tyler is the one who loses.
“Sorry, I couldn’t help it. I just keep picturing a uterus with tiny little fists of fury screaming at people in a chipmunk voice, ‘I’m a wee little uterus and I will fuck all of you up.’” Tyler says in a high-pitch voice before taking his shot.
I giggle and then clamp my hand over my mouth.
Jesus Christ, I don’t giggle. What the hell is wrong with me? Tyler isn’t funny. Tyler is annoying.
I feel the tips of his fingers graze my shoulder again and this time I shiver. Glancing over at him, I see him smirk and it takes everything in me not to reach over and smack him.
Fuck, why does he have to look so good? And smell good, too.
He’s taller than me when I wear heels, which immediately goes in the ‘plus’ column. He’s got blonde, surfer-boy hair that is long enough for me to grab onto, but not so long that he needs to put it in a ponytail. That’s a deal breaker for me. If you need to borrow one of my ponytail holders, you need to pack up your vagina and leave. He’s not big and beefy in the muscles department, but he’s definitely cut. I’ve run my hands over his six-pack plenty of times. If he shaved every day, he’d have a baby face, but with the stubble he’s always sporting, that face jumps right up into man territory. And good God, does that stubble feel good when it rubs up against my thighs…
“Alright, dude, it’s your turn,” Gavin tells Tyler, breaking me out of my fantasy.
I watch in horror as Charlotte moves her hand down to Gavin’s crotch.
“We should go have some sex,” she attempts to whisper in his ear.
I roll my eyes and take my shot.
“Hey, I didn’t even say my phrase yet,” Tyler complains as I slam my empty glass onto the coffee table and pour myself another.
Thankfully, the vodka starts to make my vision blur and I can easily ignore my sister as she continues to fondle Gavin through his jeans.
“Big dick titty fucker,” Tyler states.
Gavin and Charlotte immediately start laughing before we even have a chance to repeat Tyler’s choice phrase. They both do their shot and then Gavin stands up suddenly, pulling Charlotte with him.
“Alright, game’s over. My dick has somewhere it needs to be,” Gavin laughs.
Tyler and I stare after the two of them as they run from the room and down the hall, their bedroom door slamming closed behind them.
We sit here on the couch listening to laughter and moans coming from the bedroom, and after a few minutes, it starts to get really awkward. I do NOT need to listen to my sister having sex.
“So, what do you want to do?” Tyler asks.
Without thinking about what I’m doing, I push myself up, swing my leg over his thigh and straddle his lap, clutching onto handfuls of his hair.
“This is a one-time thing and I’m only doing this because I feel sorry about what happened to you today,” I tell him honestly.
His hands grab onto my ass and he pulls me down against him, lifting his hips at the same time so that I can feel how hard he is.
“I can live with that,” he replies.
Pulling his face closer, I crash my lips to his and pray to God that once my buzz wears off I’ll forget this ever happened.
“Oh, my God. You’re so wet and tight and-”
“Shut up. Stop talking,” Ava pants as I pound into her from behind.
It’s probably wrong that I’ve got her bent over the arm of the couch in my best friend’s living room, but I don’t give a fuck. If this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. I should still be freaking out about the bombshell my parents dropped on me this morning or the fact that Ava is only doing this because she pities me, but I don’t have time for that right now. I’ve been dreaming about being inside of her again and I’m determined not to think about anything else.
My pants are around my thighs and Ava’s skirt is bunched up around her waist. We didn’t bother taking our clothes off out of courtesy for Gavin and Charlotte. Sure, we’re defiling their couch right now, but at least we’re being considerate by not being naked on their couch.
“You’re pussy is like a warm Christmas cookie, fresh from the oven,” I mutter as I slam into her harder.
“Jesus Christ, STOP TALKING! Oh, my God, harder,” Ava demands.
I close my eyes and let my head fall back as I give her what she wants. God, she is such a bitch. I don’t know what it is about her, but I just can’t stay away from her. She hates me and I kind of can’t stand her, but holy fuck is the sex good with her.