“So, Ms. Johnson, can you describe the nature of your relationship with Nat Simms?”
“Right here in front of all these uptight people?”
Charlene smiled from ear to ear and the air thickened with rumbles of guffaws and snickers. A slam of the gavel quieted things down.
An unsmiling Judge Shelby turned to Charlene. “The witness will kindly answer the question without trying to entertain the courtroom.”
Charlene closed her eyes and shrugged her shoulders. “I worked for him.”
I cleared my throat and began again. “And the length of your employ?”
“Over seven years. I came to work for him right out of high school. First I was answering phones in the service department, and then I got myself promoted up to the receptionist in the sales department. Now I organize contracts, titles, leases and everything else that has to do with buying a car after the salesman has cut the deal.”
I decided to start out with a bomb and let old Charlene know that she was near the edge of the cliff.
“Okay, let me understand this a little more fully, Ms. Johnson. If someone comes into Simms Autoworld and buys a car, you’re the person who gives him the contract to sign…”
“Right, right, right, and I try to sell him extended warranty if it’s a used car and all that stuff.”
“And how successful are you at selling extended warranties? I mean, don’t people generally resist those?”
“Objection! The question is irrelevant!”
“Where are we going here, Ms. Thurmond?”
“I am trying to establish the character of the witness, the level of her responsibility and her value to the business. We know she has longevity with the company, but I gotta tell you, your honor, if you’ll just indulge me for a few minutes, the reason for this line of questioning will become clear.”
“Overruled.”
“Thank you,” I said and turned back to Charlene. I had to look away again because her eye makeup was applied with such gusto it was off-putting. I couldn’t imagine how a woman could even get that much mascara on normal lashes. They looked like awnings. Ridiculous.
“Does that mean I should answer the question?”
“Please. Just tell the court how successful you were in selling extended warranties.”
“Well, before I got my new titties, I wasn’t too good at it at all.” Gasping and laughter filled the air. Then, in a moment of unbridled horror for the genteel, she actually cupped her synthetic mammaries.
The gavel slammed once more, and Judge Shelby said, “Ms. Johnson, this is the last time I am going to remind you not to use coarse and vulgar language or to behave in a coarse and vulgar manner in my courtroom. The next time you say something so crass or make a motion so crass, you will be fined in contempt of court and sit in county jail for thirty days. Is that clear?” She shook her head and looked at me. “Proceed.”
“I’m sure your breast augmentation helped your confidence and, therefore, your sales. But before we discuss your various plastic surgery procedures, I’m wondering about something else. Did you ever have the occasion to receive a deposit check from a customer simply made out to Nat Simms and not Simms’s Autoworld?”
“Of course, it happened all the time.” Charlene’s face was blood red. Maybe it was sinking in that this wasn’t a joke or a show.
“And what did you do with those checks?”
“Objection!”
I felt like saying, Oh, put a sock in it, Harry, but I looked to the judge, who understood exactly where I was going, and she said, “Overruled.”
Charlene sat there wondering if answering the question would implicate her in a crime.
“Please answer the question, Ms. Johnson.”
“Nope. I ain’t got a lawyer, and if I tell the truth I might get myself in trouble, so I ain’t answering that question.”
Harry and Nat were whispering to each other.
“You have to answer the question, Ms. Johnson,” I said.
“Objection! Let the witness be informed that she can take protection from self-incrimination under the Fifth Amendment.”
Charlene looked confused at first and then remembered what she had done during her deposition. In addition, I guessed she had watched Judge Judy or LA Law often enough to recall that she didn’t have to testify against herself. She looked over at Nat and Harry, with their self-satisfied faces, because they had saved Nat by reminding Charlene of her rights. Charlene might have been a screaming redneck, but she wasn’t totally stupid. And she was furious with Nat for her own reasons.
She said, “Look, I’ll tell y’all whatever y’all want to know, but I want to be impuned, okay?”
“You mean you want witness protection? Immunity?”
“Yep. That’s it.”
Harry Albright almost burst his carotid artery with his objections, and finally after five minutes in Judge Shelby’s chambers it was settled. The judge ruled that Charlene Johnson had complete immunity.
“This is a divorce hearing, not the Enron fiasco. I want to hear what Ms. Johnson has to say. End of story.”
When we reentered the courtroom, the public seating area was filled. I suspected that while cell phones weren’t ringing, people were text-messaging each other in a fury to come watch the spectacle.
The hearing resumed.
“I had asked you, Ms. Johnson, what you did in the case of a check simply made out to Nat Simms instead of Simms’s Autoworld?”
“I deposited them.”
“In the company’s account?”
“Sometimes.”
“And where did they go at other times?”
“In other accounts that me and Nat set up for our own selves.”
Nat put his head in his hands and Albright shook his head.
I entered the accounts into evidence from four different banks, and Judge Shelby was smoldering. As a general rule, judges and the laws of the land don’t take kindly to embezzlement and tax evasion. But Shelby said nothing then. She simply listened.
“And what did you and Mr. Simms do with that money?”
“Well, all sorts of things. Mostly we had fun with it.”
“I see. Did it pay for your hotel rooms?”
“Yes, it did.”
“And dinners in nice restaurants?”
“Yes.”
“Are you involved in a romantic relationship with Mr. Simms?”
“I was, but we broke up. It was the biggest mistake of my life.”
“What was? Breaking up with him or getting involved with him in the first place?”
“Getting involved with him. Look, at first he just wanted to flirt. I could understand that. That’s how men are. They like to flatter you and then you flatter them back and then they think they’re hot sh—, you know what I mean? I didn’t say the word but you know what I meant, right?”
Judge Shelby looked over her reading glasses down at Charlene and said, “The court thanks you for your restraint, Ms. Johnson. Please continue.”
“Well, Nat started telling me that I’d be so pretty if my ears got fixed, and I said, well, you know I can’t afford to do that! Shoot, he only paid me seven dollars and sixty cents an hour. So he said, look, I can pay for it, so I said okay. Then it was my nose and my teeth. By that time we were very hot and heavy and he said he wanted to marry me. But then he seemed to be losing interest, so that’s when I went and got my chest fixed. And doncha know it, he came sniffing around again like a hungry dog just looking for a place to bury his nose. And I guess I fell in love with the son of a…gun. Son of a gun’s okay, right?”
I couldn’t believe it, but I was almost feeling sorry for Charlene. But not for too long.
“Didn’t you know he was married and had children?”
“Of course I knew that! Everybody knew that! But he lived in this beautiful house in downtown Charleston and he had two beautiful children that he said we could raise together. A nice house and a family was all I ever wanted in this whole worl
d, and I knew I’d never get it. Not unless a miracle happened. Bagging Nat Simms seemed like a miracle to a girl like me. I didn’t care if he wanted to have sex three times a day or how he wanted to do it either. All I wanted was to be in that house fixing his dinners and reading story books to little innocent children, making them all happy.”
I paused for a moment thinking of the thousands of women like Charlene who could so easily justify the wreckage they caused. Was it in the name of love or loneliness or greed?
“But I gather things didn’t work out?”
“First of all, it wasn’t very nice. I mean, I know that his wife is as homely as a hog, I’m sorry to say it…”
Rebecca gasped and I knew she was probably on the verge of crying, just listening to Charlene. What woman wouldn’t be upset?
“And she doesn’t nurture Nat like he needs, but after I spent a few days with those children, I didn’t want no part of it. Nope, I quit.”
“I see. Could you explain to the court what caused this change in your feelings?”
“Look, I can’t have my own kids, but that don’t make it right to steal another woman’s family. It was bad enough to be taking her husband, but he didn’t love her anymore, and I figured they would wind up divorced anyway. So that wasn’t such a big deal. The real killer was that Nat just didn’t want to give her anything after all those years she put up with them. No, no. Once I got in that house I saw a very different side of Nat Simms and I didn’t like it at all.”
“So, you say he didn’t want to give his wife what you considered to be a fair settlement and you had some guilt over taking her children away from her? And these things upset you. Is that correct?”
“Yeah, that’s right. And they all bossed me around like I was the maid! Nat never said a word about the sassing and all to his kids. He just smiled and said, well, if they want to go to the mall, take them! I didn’t get into this whole mess to be somebody’s chauffeur! He was supposed to love me and respect me, and he didn’t. Then we all started fighting, and finally I just said to hell with it. It wasn’t worth it just to live in a big house.”
Charlene shot the judge a look, and Judge Shelby was so entranced by the story she was hearing that she blew off Charlene’s careless use of the word hell. Maybe she agreed with her.
“So, we may assume that the relationship is over now?” I said.
“You may assume that for sure, but there’s something else to say that you didn’t ask me about.”
“Which is?”
“That house spooked me. Everywhere I looked was his wife’s something or other. I would say, oh, aren’t these towels pretty? His daughter would say, my mom embroidered them. Or I would say, oh, this is such a beautiful afghan, and his son would say, my mom made it. There was so much stuff in that house of hers that it would never be mine. Even these beautiful murals of birds and the marsh that she painted on their dining room walls. Besides, that house was hers and the whole plan Nat had was just greedy and nasty. He’s a terrible man.”
The courtroom was silent as everyone took it all in. It was the first time I had ever had a hostile witness who actually wound up testifying for my client.
“Thank you, Ms. Johnson. We may have to call you again, so please stay in town.”
“Oh, I ain’t going no place! I wouldn’t miss this for nothing.”
I nodded my head.
“Your witness,” I said to Albright.
“Your honor, we have no questions at this time.”
“Then you may step down, Ms. Johnson. The defense would like to call Dr. Claudia Kelly.”
Nat and Albright looked around to see who Dr. Claudia Kelly was and in minutes it was all revealed.
Claudia took the stand, and after the requisite questions she explained in her most professional manner that the sum total of all of Charlene Johnson’s surgical procedures could well have exceeded fifty to sixty thousand dollars. I entered the receipts I had found into evidence and made the remark that these were marital assets of which my client was entitled to half.
Poor Charlene. She had been a good girl for as long as she could. Charlene jumped from her seat and began screaming as loud as she could.
“If you think you’re getting these back, you can forget it! These boobs are mine and these teeth are mine and this fanny is all mine! Go get your own because there ain’t no way…”
Whack! Whack! Whack!
Judge Unamused Adrian spoke. “Ms. Johnson! Sit down and be quiet! Let me tell you something, your plastic surgery bills are the most offensive use of marital assets I have ever seen in the entirety of my professional career. Normally, in so much as the definition of normal applies here, your improvements would be evaluated and fifty percent of the cost of the surgeries would be awarded to the wife. But if I hear one peep from you, one peep, I will order half of them literally removed! This court is in recess for lunch. We reconvene at two o’clock.”
TWENTY-ONE
…AND I’M THE LAWN MOWER
HUEY and Byron were taking Miss Olivia back to the hotel for a quiet lunch, and the rest of us planned to walk to a nearby restaurant. It was unusual that the judge had ordered such a long lunch break, but that was probably due to her need for recovery time from the overall vulgarity of the morning’s session. God knows, I needed a break.
Claudia, Rebecca and I were leaving the courthouse when I saw Julian coming toward us.
“Abigail! I knew you were good, girl, but I didn’t know how brilliant you were!” He gave me a big kiss on the cheek. “My God! What a show! Shelby must be ready to throw Albright right out the window!”
“Albright’s an idiot,” I said. “They should’ve settled.”
“Like the young people say,” Claudia said, “no freaking duh!”
We took two more steps, and suddenly Tisdale Simms took Rebecca’s arm to stop her and speak to her.
“Becca. Forgive me. I had no idea about Nat and his…his running around and all of this horrible business. I’m an old man. He’s my only son. I believed in him.”
Rebecca burst into tears and blurted, “But I was married to him for all these years and you never even called me! You never even called me once! I took care of your wife all through her illness until the day she died. I gave you two grandchildren. I did everything I could…” Rebecca’s voice, filled with pain she had never spoken of, tapered off into whisper, and then she said, “Oh, what’s the use?”
She pulled her arm away and he grabbed it again.
“Listen, please! You’re right. I should’ve realized there were two sides to every story. I’m asking you to forgive me, Becca. When this whole thing is settled those children are going to need a man in their lives. Nat’s not going to be any use to you after today. Or me either. That lying sack of shit in there is not the nice boy his mother and I raised. I don’t know how in the world he became so deceitful to you, to me, to everyone. I can help you. I want to help you. You and the children are all I’ve got now. Please don’t turn your back on me.”
I was standing right next to her and listening to everything they said to each other. I could feel Rebecca’s frustration and disappointment in her father-in-law. It was so typical of families and how they divided their allegiances during a divorce. I looked at Tisdale’s face, deeply lined from years of living, his teeth worn down from age and his red-rimmed eyes mirroring the sincerity of his plea.
“You’re their grandfather and nothing will ever change that. I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I probably would’ve done the same thing if I were in your shoes.” She didn’t hug him. She just stepped away. “When this is over, we’ll talk, okay?”
He nodded his head, “Okay, then. Thanks.”
When he was out of hearing I said to Rebecca, “That was the noble thing to do, Rebecca. Makes me proud to know you.”
A small grin of satisfaction crossed her face. But it was a grin born of pain. It made me think again of the well of disappointments and slights Rebecca must have felt in the abs
ence of Tisdale’s loyalty. And the loyalty of her friends and acquaintances. She had done as much charity work as any woman I had ever known and there had been no calls from them, wondering what they could do to help. But you’re only as good as your last dinner dance, and perhaps she had fallen out of that circuit. It was summer after all, and she had moved to Pawleys. Yes, that was probably why.
“So where should we go?” I said. “I feel like a big hunk of raw meat for lunch.”
Claudia giggled, and at that same moment a man tapped her on the shoulder.
“Excuse me! I’m Frank Del Mastro from the Post and Courier. Dr. Kelly, would you like to comment on the judge’s remark regarding Charlene Johnson being in possession of Rebecca Simms’s assets?”
“We don’t talk to the press, Claudia,” I said.
“Hey, I’m a whole big girl, Abigail,” she said with a tone that surprised me, but then, has anyone ever been able to tell a doctor how to behave? “Listen, Frank, you can go tell the world that I said if Judge Shelby wants to repossess fifty percent of Charlene Johnson’s improvements, I’ll do the procedures on the house!”
The reporter scampered away, taking notes and very pleased with himself. Claudia burst out laughing, and then Rebecca got tickled. I stood there in Mother Superior mode for a moment, and then I realized how funny the thought of it was. Over lunch at Slightly North of Broad (SNOBs to the foodie cognoscenti), needless to say, we were reduced to giggling ninth graders, describing Charlene missing half of everything.
“Can you see it? She goes to sit down and needs a pillow to even things out!”
“Wait! Visualize this! She’s trying to sell a warranty package to some poor man and has to put a canteloupe down one side of her shirt first!”
We thought we were pretty darn clever until we got back to the courthouse. On the front steps was a film crew from every local network affiliate, newspaper and radio station.
“I guess it’s a slow news day,” I said. “Don’t talk to them.”