“Okay, I’m tracking with you guys now. I still don’t want this one up on the wall,” Katie said.
“I agree,” Nicole said.
“Me too,” said Vicki. “That’s why I was trying to talk to you before it went up. I’m sure if you tell Carley she’ll be fine with your taking it down.”
“We can talk to her tomorrow,” Nicole said. “Or rather, later today since tomorrow already is today.”
“Carley can do the picture of her with Dean instead,” Vicki offered.
“Who’s Dean?” Katie asked.
“He was her boss at Casa de Pedro where she worked for awhile this summer. I heard her say the photo of Rick was a higher resolution so that’s why she went with it.”
“Casa de Pedro,” Christy murmured.
Katie turned to her. “I know. Doesn’t a chimichanga burrito sound good right now?”
Nicole laughed. “How can you think of food at this crazy hour?”
“It’s a gift,” Katie said.
“Do you guys want to go for burritos?” Vicki asked. “Because I’m up for it, if you are.”
“Yes,” Katie said. “But I really need to get some sleep so I better pass.”
“I need to call campus security,” Nicole said.
“You can tell them I’m leaving,” Christy said. “I’ll pass on the burrito too, Vicki, but it does sound good. I’d love to go with you guys another time. Call me if you make plans another night. Maybe a little earlier in the evening.”
“No, I think we’ll wait and call you after we’re sure you’ve already gone to bed,” Katie said. “That way we’ll be sure you’ll show up in another smashing outfit like this one.”
Christy smiled. She got up from Katie’s bed and adjusted the big sweatshirt as Nicole and Vicki left the room and headed down the hall.
Katie thanked Christy for dashing to her aid and scrutinized her outfit one more time. “What do you have on under there?”
Christy grinned in a shy sort of way. “Nothing.”
“Nothing as in nothing-nothing? Or nothing as in none-of-my-business, nighty-night nothing?”
Christy grinned and left her answer at that. Turning to leave Katie’s room, she said, “Oh, and Katie?”
“Yeah?”
“Try to get some sleep. This is too much stress for your senior year. And you’ve only just started.”
“I know,” Katie said. “You and I have a lot to catch up on. Do you want to try to get together later this week?”
“Sounds good. Let’s check our schedules and see what we can work out.”
Katie waved as her original Peculiar Treasure friend shambled down the long hall in her funky outfit. Then Katie returned to bed exhausted. She was sure she would wake up early enough for class, so she didn’t set her alarm.
The good news was that Rick called at 7:15.
The bad news was that Rick called at 7:15.
“Hey.” Katie’s voice was slow and groggy.
“I heard you had a rough night last night.”
“Yeah, how did you hear? Todd?”
“Yes, he drove me to the airport this morning.”
“Airport.” Katie propped herself up on her elbow. “Are you going back to Tempe?”
“Yes, it’s last minute. My brother was able to set up a meeting, and I just found out this morning. My plane leaves in forty minutes. I wanted to call before I left to tell you we’ll have to reschedule our lunch by the fountain.”
“Oh, yeah. Okay. Sure.” She was finding it difficult to think clearly this early.
“We’ll have to reschedule the rest of our conversation too.”
“Yeah, we can talk later. We definitely need to talk some more.”
“I agree.”
An easy pause followed before Rick said, “Katie, I have a huge favor to ask you.”
“Okay.”
“Is there any chance you could go to the Dove’s Nest around five this evening for about an hour and help Carlos with a special order? I agreed to provide pizzas for a large soccer awards night at the community center. They have someone coming by at 6:30 to pick up the order, but I wasn’t able to schedule enough staff to handle the prep. I’ve called everyone else. You’re my last option.”
“Sure, I’m free tonight. I can do it.”
“That’s great.”
“By any chance is Carley going to be working?”
“Yes, why?”
“Didn’t Todd tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“About last night.”
“He said you called Christy in the middle of the night with a problem on your floor, and the two of them came over for about half an hour. That’s all he said.”
Katie sat up in her bed and gave Rick a crash summary on the previous night’s events, complete with some of the inner dialogue she had wrestled with over whether she should distrust him.
“Wait a minute,” Rick said. “Let me get this straight. The picture was a joke, but you thought it was real?”
“It looked real. At least when I first saw it. I was really tired.”
“But you honestly thought I might have kissed Carley.” Rick’s words were slow and deliberate. That wasn’t a good sign.
“It was a prank, but I didn’t get it. I’m still really groggy right now, and I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, especially when you’re about to board a plane. I guess I just need to resolve this awkwardness between Carley and me before I go the Dove’s Nest tonight. But that’s my problem, not yours. I’ll take care of it. Have a good trip. Sorry to splurt all this out right before you leave.”
The other end of the phone was very still.
“Are you there, Rick?”
“Katie, I need you to answer honestly one question.”
“Okay.”
“Last night, did you think I might be cheating on you?”
She couldn’t find her voice to answer him. The honest answer was, “Yes, for a few minutes, at least,” but she didn’t want to say that.
“Katie . . . I, I don’t know. After all these months, and everything you and I have been through, if you still have serious doubts about me, I don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, if you still don’t trust me . . .”
“I trust you,” she said quickly.
“I want to believe that. But, Katie, you just told me that when you had a chance to either doubt me or trust me, your leaning went toward doubting.”
“I know. I wavered. It was late.”
“Yes, but Katie . . . I don’t know what to say right now. I keep thinking you and I are further along in some of the foundational parts of our relationship and then . . . I start to wonder if you’re ever going to completely forgive me and start trusting me.”
A heavy silence kept Katie’s phone attached to her ear like glue. Even after Rick said, “I need to think about all this. We need to talk when I get back from Arizona in a couple of days,” and then hung up, Katie still sat there holding the phone to her ear.
Forcing herself out of bed to make it to class, Katie shuffled down the hall for her usual morning routine. She found Carley in the bathroom washing her face.
“Vicki told me,” Carley said before Katie had a chance to say anything. “You know it was supposed to be a joke.”
Katie nodded.
“Vicki said you were pretty upset.”
“I was.”
“I’m sorry, Katie.” Carley turned to look at her.
Katie nodded again. It was the only acceptance of an apology she felt she could give at that point.
Two other girls entered the bathroom. Carley left, and Katie showered. For a long time she didn’t move from under the showerhead. The water poured over her, and Katie wished it could baptize her heart and clear her mind.
None of the scenarios or explanations running through her thoughts seemed to offer any defusing of the dilemma with Rick. She said over and over that she trusted him, but in her heart she kept waiting for something to go wrong. S
he expected to be let down. The longer they were together the more devastating she expected the break-up to be.
What is wrong with me? I’m a mess. Why can’t I trust Rick? He consistently proves his loyalty to me and his commitment to our relationship, but I keep trying to sabotage it. What’s my problem?
For the rest of the day Katie was in a funk. She didn’t want to eat. She couldn’t pay attention in class. She avoided people she usually hung around with. At noon she remembered that if Rick hadn’t gone to Arizona, they would be eating lunch together at the fountain.
She tried to call Christy. Voice mail picked up, and Katie said, “Call me when you can. I’m helping out at the Dove’s Nest at five. It would be great if you had some time to talk after 6:30 or so.”
When Katie arrived at the Dove’s Nest at 4:45, she still hadn’t heard back from Christy. Checking in the Ark Bookstore, she found out that Christy had left for the day.
It felt strange going into the kitchen and reaching for a clean apron. Carley came into the back and said, “Carlos mentioned you were coming in. I hope you’re not still mad at me.”
Katie wanted to spout off with something like, “Why should you care?” Instead she said, “I don’t know, Carley. I’m not doing very well right now. Can we talk about this later?”
“Are you upset because of the picture of Rick and everything?”
“Yeah. Everything.”
“I told you I was sorry.”
“I know. I get the whole thing about the photo being a tradition and a prank. But you know what?” Katie hesitated. She realized how much her words in moments like this could get her into trouble. Deciding she couldn’t hold in any longer what she was feeling, Katie said, “Can I just say something? Ever since last May it feels as if you have been trying to come between Rick and me. I don’t know if that’s all in my head, and I’m just having serious distrust issues, or if something is going on between you and me that I don’t know about.”
Carley looked down.
“Have I made all this up, or is something going on?”
Slowly lifting her chin, Carley said, “Do you remember what you said to me at the fall pizza night at Brower Hall a year ago?”
Katie scrunched her eyebrows. She didn’t even remember the fall pizza night, let alone anything she might have said.
“I can tell you don’t remember, but you were really bubbly about going to somebody’s house where you and all your friends had this big sleepover. In the morning you made omelets with Rick, and you were so excited that Christy was engaged.”
“Right, I remember all that. But I don’t remember the pizza night or saying anything in particular to you.”
“We were standing by the door, and I said, ‘Your life is so perfect, Katie. I wish I could trade with you.’ And you said, ‘Yeah, right. As if you could pull off that one.’ ” Carley’s expression displayed her hurt as she recounted the conversation.
“I don’t remember saying that. But I can tell that I hurt you, Car-ley. I’m sorry. I spout off far too often and say things I shouldn’t. I’m sorry.” Katie felt regret for whatever it was that caused such a wound in Carley, but she was having a hard time figuring out why her words had caused such pain.
“It’s okay,” Carley said. “I should probably apologize to you because I think I got carried away with the challenge.”
“The challenge?”
“You said, ‘As if you could pull that one off.’ People have been saying that to me my whole life. So I guess I took the challenge too far. It started out as a stupid sort of game, and then it became an obsession, I guess. I was jealous. You’ve had such a completely perfect life and — ”
Katie stopped her right there. “Oh, no! My life has been far from perfect. Believe me, if you had even an inkling of how I grew up . . .”
Katie’s expression must have turned fiercer than she expected because Carley looked startled and almost frightened.
“You know what, Carley?” Katie pulled her emotions and her words way back. “Have you ever heard the saying ‘Hurt people hurt people’?”
“No.”
“I think that’s what you and I somehow got caught up in, and it’s really wicked. Others have hurt us both, and we both have hurt others. You don’t want my life, trust me. I don’t want to hurt you with my flippant comments. Honest. Do you think the two of us could start fresh?”
Carley nodded. A soft expression replaced the stunned one. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“I’m sorry too.”
They exchanged fresh smiles and for the next hour and a half worked as a team, cranking out an Army-sized supply of pepperoni pizzas.
30
When Katie returned to Rancho Corona after working at the Dove’s Nest, she still felt heartsick about Rick. She wanted to call him to talk over her exchange with Carley and to tell him how everything had changed while the two of them were working together. She didn’t call him, though.
Changes to the relationship were likely only to occur when she and Rick could sit down for a heart-to-heart. Until then, all she could change was herself.
With that piece of truth, Katie headed to Julia’s apartment. Her door was open, and steel guitar music floated out into the hallway. Katie tapped on the doorframe, and Julia looked up from the couch. That’s when Katie noticed that Julia was on the phone.
“I can come back,” Katie said, mostly mouthing the words.
“No, come in. I’m on hold with my credit card company. I was overcharged for something last month. As a matter of fact, I’m not in the mood to hassle with them right now. I’ll call back later.”
Julia put down her phone and gestured for Katie to sit across from her on the love seat.
“I was going to call and set up a time to talk,” Katie said, “but my day got a little wacky.”
“I heard about the picture on The Kissing Wall,” Julia said. “Is everything settled with that?”
Katie nodded. She gave Julia an update on her conversation with Carley at the Dove’s Nest. “What kills me is that I don’t know how many times I’ve said the wrong thing and hurt people.”
“I think most individuals understand your humor and your pithy statements, Katie. This thing with Carley is a little unusual. You handled it well.”
“She was the one who initiated the apology, really. And I know I didn’t handle things very well with Rick this morning.”
“What happened?”
Katie gave Julia an overview of her conversation and her feelings about Rick; then, before she knew it, Katie had poured out her heart.
A few minutes into the conversation Julia shut the door to make sure they had privacy. Five minutes in, Julia handed Katie a box of tissues. Twelve minutes in, Katie felt worn out and miserable. Julia, however, looked calm and ready to give Katie some insight.
“So what should I do?” Katie asked. “Assuming that Rick will ever speak to me again, how can I convince him that I trust him? What he said is true. I keep expecting him to disappoint me or betray me or something. You don’t think I’m an absolute nut case, do you?”
“Absolutely nut,” Julia said with a smile.
“Clever. I feel like something is wrong with me. I mean, why can’t I trust him?”
“You said you forgave him more than a year ago. Is that right?”
“Yeah. I told you about the letter he sent me. That’s when I forgave him. That was way before I saw him again at the Dove’s Nest. In his letter, he asked if I would forgive him for being a jerk and for not treating me with the respect I deserved.”
“And you forgave him then?”
“Yes.”
“But you’re still expecting him to hurt you.”
Katie nodded. “Do you think maybe I didn’t truly forgive him? Is that why I’m just waiting for him to blow it?”
“Only you know whether you truly forgave him.”
Katie thought for a moment. “I did. I know I did. It was like there was this invisible measuring scale in m
y head. I took all the stuff I held against Rick that was weighing down one side of the scale and asked Jesus to incinerate it. The scales were even then. Like nothing was left to weigh down my thoughts or feelings about Rick in an unbalanced way.”
“That’s a great way to explain forgiveness,” Julia said.
“I didn’t come up with the illustration,” Katie said. “I heard a guy use it in one of my Bible classes. The picture stayed with me. I took off of the scale in my mind all that stuff with Rick.”
“In your mind,” Julia repeated. “But what about in your heart?”
Katie wasn’t sure what Julia meant.
“Let me ask you this. How did Rick hurt you? I’m not asking what he did. What I’m asking is for you to identify the injury. For instance, did he steal from you?”
“No, he used me, tricked me, and basically betrayed me.” Katie was stunned at how instantly the accusations against Rick popped out of her mouth.
Whoa! I may have forgiven him, but I certainly haven’t forgotten!
“I think you just moved from your head to your heart.” Julia’s expression softened, as if Katie had accomplished something difficult. When Julia spoke again, it was with tenderness. “The way I see it, when we’re hurt at the heart level, the forgiveness and healing have to happen in the same place the injury took place. Rick didn’t hurt your mind; he hurt your heart. That’s where you have to go to forgive him all the way.
“Now,” Julia said, taking a deep breath, “ I have another question for you. When you look around in your heart, I’m wondering, what did you do with the injuries Rick caused you? Did you give them to Jesus to incinerate?”
Katie felt a thud in her chest. The answer to Julia’s question came at her with certainty. It wasn’t as if she knew the answer in her head; she knew this answer in her heart.
“I kept some of them.”
Julia nodded slowly, offering Katie a comforting look.
“I didn’t throw them north or south or east or west or anywhere, did I? Instead of throwing the hurts away, I held onto some of them. Here.” Katie tapped her heart. “I never realized I did that. When you asked me what I did with the hurts, I just knew. They’re still with me. I’ve been saving them.”
Katie looked down at her curled-up fingers. “I don’t know why I’m saving them. It’s like having a box of hand grenades in the corner. I say I don’t want to blow up anything, but I know I have them on hand just in case I need to use them.”