CHAPTER XLIV.
Cum pulchris tunicis sumet nova consilia et spes.--Horace.
And look always that they be shape, What garment that thou shalt make Ofhim that can best do With all that pertaineth thereto.--Romaunt of theRose
How well I can remember the feelings with which I entered London, andtook possession of the apartments prepared for me at Mivart's. A yearhad made a vast alteration in my mind; I had ceased to regard pleasurefor its own sake, I rather coveted its enjoyments, as the great sourcesof worldly distinction. I was not the less a coxcomb than heretofore,nor the less a voluptuary, nor the less choice in my perfumes, nor theless fastidious in my horses and my dress; but I viewed these mattersin a light wholly different from that in which I had hitherto regardedthem. Beneath all the carelessness of my exterior, my mind was close,keen, and inquiring; and under the affectations of foppery, and thelevity of a manner almost unique, for the effeminacy of its tone, Iveiled an ambition the most extensive in its object, and a resolutionthe most daring in the accomplishment of its means.
I was still lounging over my breakfast, on the second morning of myarrival, when Mr. N--, the tailor, was announced.
"Good morning, Mr. Pelham; happy to see you returned. Do I disturb youtoo early? shall I wait on you again?"
"No, Mr. N--, I am ready to receive you; you may renew my measure."
"We are a very good figure, Mr. Pelham; very good figure," replied theSchneider, surveying me from head to foot, while he was preparing hismeasure; "we want a little assistance though; we must be padded wellhere; we must have our chest thrown out, and have an additional inchacross the shoulders; we must live for effect in this world, Mr. Pelham;a leetle tighter round the waist, eh?"
"Mr. N--," said I, "you will take, first, my exact measure, and,secondly, my exact instructions. Have you done the first?"
"We are done now, Mr. Pelham," replied my man-maker, in a slow, solemntone.
"You will have the goodness then to put no stuffing of any descriptionin my coat; you will not pinch me an iota tighter across the waistthan is natural to that part of my body, and you will please, in yourinfinite mercy, to leave me as much after the fashion in which God mademe, as you possibly can."
"But, Sir, we must be padded; we are much too thin; all the gentlemen inthe Life Guards are padded, Sir."
"Mr. N--," answered I, "you will please to speak of us, with a separate,and not a collective pronoun; and you will let me for once have myclothes such as a gentleman, who, I beg of you to understand, is not aLife Guardsman, can wear without being mistaken for a Guy Fawkes on afifth of November."
Mr. N--looked very discomfited: "We shall not be liked, Sir, when we aremade--we sha'n't, I assure you. I will call on Saturday at 11 o'clock.Good morning, Mr. Pelham; we shall never be done justice to, if we donot live for effect; good morning, Mr. Pelham."
Scarcely had Mr. N--retired, before Mr.--, his rival, appeared. Thesilence and austerity of this importation from Austria, were veryrefreshing after the orations of Mr. N--.
"Two frock-coats, Mr.--," said I, "one of them brown, velvet collar samecolour; the other, dark grey, no stuffing, and finished by Wednesday.Good morning, Mr.--."
"Monsieur B--, un autre tailleur," said Bedos, opening the door afterMr. S.'s departure.
"Admit him," said I. "Now for the most difficult article of dress--thewaistcoat."
And here, as I am weary of tailors, let me reflect a little upon thatdivine art of which they are the professors. Alas, for the instabilityof all human sciences! A few short months ago, in the first edition ofthis memorable Work, I laid down rules for costume, the value of which,Fashion begins already to destroy. The thoughts which I shall nowembody, shall be out of the reach of that great innovator, andapplicable not to one age, but to all. To the sagacious reader, who hasalready discovered what portions of this work are writ in irony--whatin earnest--I fearlessly commit these maxims; beseeching him to believe,with Sterne, that "every thing is big with jest, and has wit in it, andinstruction too, if we can but find it out!"
MAXIMS.
1. Do not require your dress so much to fit, as to adorn you. Nature isnot to be copied, but to be exalted by art. Apelles blamed Protogenesfor being too natural.
2. Never in your dress altogether desert that taste which is general.The world considers eccentricity in great things, genius; in smallthings, folly.
3. Always remember that you dress to fascinate others, not yourself.
4. Keep your mind free from all violent affections at the hour of thetoilet. A philosophical serenity is perfectly necessary to success.Helvetius says justly, that our errors arise from our passions.
5. Remember that none but those whose courage is unquestionable,can venture to be effeminate. It was only in the field that theLacedemonians were accustomed to use perfumes and curl their hair.
6. Never let the finery of chains and rings seem your own choice; thatwhich naturally belongs to women should appear only worn for their sake.We dignify foppery, when we invest it with a sentiment.
7. To win the affection of your mistress, appear negligent in yourcostume--to preserve it, assiduous: the first is a sign of the passionof love; the second, of its respect.
8. A man must be a profound calculator to be a consummate dresser. Onemust not dress the same, whether one goes to a minister or a mistress;an avaricious uncle, or an ostentatious cousin: there is no diplomacymore subtle than that of dress.
9. Is the great man whom you would conciliate a coxcomb?--go to him ina waistcoat like his own. "Imitation," says the author of Lacon, "is thesincerest flattery."
10. The handsome may be shewy in dress, the plain should study tobe unexceptionable; just as in great men we look for something toadmire--in ordinary men we ask for nothing to forgive.
11. There is a study of dress for the aged, as well as for the young.Inattention is no less indecorous in one than in the other; we maydistinguish the taste appropriate to each, by the reflection that youthis made to be loved--age, to be respected.
12. A fool may dress gaudily, but a fool cannot dress well--for todress well requires judgment; and Rochefaucault says with truth, "Onest quelquefois un sot avec de l'esprit, mais on ne lest jamais avec dujugement."
13. There may be more pathos in the fall of a collar, or the curl of alock, than the shallow think for. Should we be so apt as we are now tocompassionate the misfortunes, and to forgive the insincerity of CharlesI., if his pictures had pourtrayed him in a bob wig and a pigtail?Vandyke was a greater sophist than Hume.
14. The most graceful principle of dress is neatness--the most vulgar ispreciseness.
15. Dress contains the two codes of morality--private and public.Attention is the duty we owe to others--cleanliness that which we owe toourselves.
16. Dress so that it may never be said of you "What a well dressedman!"--but, "What a gentlemanlike man!"
17. Avoid many colours; and seek, by some one prevalent and quiet tint,to sober down the others. Apelles used only four colours, and alwayssubdued those which were more florid, by a darkening varnish.
18. Nothing is superficial to a deep observer! It is in trifles that themind betrays itself. "In what part of that letter," said a king to thewisest of living diplomatists, "did you discover irresolution?"--"In itsns and gs!" was the answer.
19. A very benevolent man will never shock the feelings of others, by anexcess either of inattention or display; you may doubt, therefore, thephilanthropy both of a sloven and a fop.
20. There is an indifference to please in a stocking down at heel--butthere may be a malevolence in a diamond ring.
21. Inventions in dressing should resemble Addison's definition of finewriting, and consists of "refinements which are natural, without beingobvious."
22. He who esteems trifles for themselves, is a trifler--he who esteemsthem for the conclusions to be drawn from them, or the advantage towhich they can be put, is a philosopher.